“Damn. Is she coming over here?” Billie hurriedly straightened her blouse, fluffed her straightened hair.
She was. Chloe could sense Kai, could almost smell her coming closer in the hot summer air, bringing temptation and all the twisted guilt she felt over what had happened between them. Seconds later, she stood just on the other side of the divider between the sidewalk and the restaurant.
“Chloe. What a surprise to see you here.” The women at the table gawked at Kai. She inclined her head at them before facing Chloe again. “Can we talk?”
Chloe muttered excuses to her coworkers, then stumbled to her feet, leaving the women staring at her out of blatant curiosity. At the exit to the sidewalk, Kai pulled the gate open for her.
As they left the restaurant, Chloe hoped that she’d remembered to pay for her share of brunch. At that moment, though, she could barely remember her own name. And all the words she’d thought and rethought about saying to Kai when she saw her again disappeared, as if they’d never been.
“It’s good to see you, Chloe.”
“Good?” She clutched at her necklace with cold, nervous fingers. “It’s tearing me apart to see you here.” She squinted into the sun, vaguely remembering that her shades were in the purse she carried over her shoulder. But then the thought flew from her head when Kai touched her arm, leading her around a set of Japanese tourists who were pointing up and taking photographs in the street.
“I didn’t come to cause you pain,” Kai said.
“I know. And I have no one to blame but myself.”
Kai took her by the arms and dragged her from the stream of traffic and under a bright green awning advertising a deli. “Stop with this blame thing,” she said intently. “It doesn’t get us anywhere.” Her hands tightened on Chloe’s arms. “I’m as much at fault as you are, but it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.”
The pain Chloe had kept inside her for all those months rolled up her body and out her eyes. “How can you say it doesn’t matter when I feel like I’m dying every day without you?” She trembled in Kai’s fierce grip. “I wish I’d never touched you. Now that I know what it’s like and how things could be between us, it feels like torture. Fuck!” She gasped as tears scorched her cheeks. “It hurts so damn much.”
“Shit.” Kai pulled her into a clumsy embrace. “Baby, don’t cry. Please, don’t cry.”
But Chloe was beyond simple tears. She broke down in Kai’s arms, sobbing as if her entire world was ending. The tears poured hotly down her face, hiccuping sobs making it impossible for her to speak. She buried her face in Kai’s warm throat and clung to her, trembling beyond control.
In the time she had been in New York on her own, she hadn’t cried once. She’d kept it moving, fitting into the life she told herself she’d always wanted, slowly trying to build herself back up, although not quite succeeding. The fissure of sadness had sat inside her chest, a steady crack in her universe, but she’d managed to hold it together. Until today. She tightened her arms around Kai’s waist, bawling.
Kai cursed again and gathered her closer. With Chloe tucked into the curve of her shoulder, she rushed to the edge of the sidewalk, through the crowd of pedestrians, and whistled shrilly.
Seconds later, a yellow cab pulled up. Kai quickly ushered Chloe into the back of the cab and gave the driver an address. Chloe couldn’t stop crying. She sagged into Kai’s chest, unable to halt the loud and ugly sobs that poured out of her. Kai stroked the back of her neck and made soothing noises as the cab bullied its way through the weekend Manhattan traffic. Soon it stopped, and Kai paid the cabbie, then rushed Chloe out and upstairs to her apartment. To the familiar couch.
Chloe cried harder and turned her face into the back of the couch, pressing her hot cheek into the rough cloth. All those months of holding on and being strong shattered, as if they had never existed.
Kai stroked her temple, her cheek. “Baby, everything will be okay.”
“You don’t know. You have no idea!”
“I have every idea,” Kai said. “Every day I want to scream about how unfair all of this is. Finally, I find the woman I want to share my life with, and it’s someone I can’t have.” Her fingers were gentle on Chloe’s face. “Believe me, I have an idea about how much this fucking hurts.”
The sadness in Kai’s voice turned Chloe to her. Kai’s face was a cool mask, but Chloe could see behind it. She could see the pain that Kai was holding on to and holding in.
Chloe touched that beloved face, tracing the tense muscles under her cheeks, the tight flesh over her forehead and under her eyes.
“I feel like such an asshole for what I did,” she whispered, her words thick with tears. “And I know I did this to both of us. I should have just stayed in California and worked my shit out myself.”
“No. This thing between us had to come to a head sooner or later. Even Noelle agrees.”
“You talked to her?” Chloe’s eyes widened. A tiny spurt of happiness bubbled inside her. Did that mean her mother had taken her advice, after all?
Kai nodded. “She called me a few days ago. I was shocked but so damn relieved. After thirty-plus years of being friends with that woman, she means more than the world to me.”
“More than I do?” But she hated the words that came to her lips as soon as she said them. This wasn’t a contest. This was about happiness and making sure that, whatever happened, Kai and her mother were all right.
“No. In a different way.” Kai stroked the backs of Chloe’s hands with her thumbs. “I love you. I’ve had to accept that it’s not wrong. You’re not a child anymore, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my life. This is something I’ve been processing with Adi and with your mother, trying to understand what I feel and making sure that these things aren’t going to harm Noelle.”
“What did Mom say?”
“You should ask her yourself. I’m having dinner with her tonight.” A smile drifted across Kai’s face. “You should come.”
Chloe struggled into a sitting position as hope for the women’s friendship surged in her chest.
“This dinner is something private between the two of you,” she said.
“What’s happening concerns all of us.” Kai’s voice deepened with emotion. “I’m sure she doesn’t mind. Besides, I think it would be good if you were there too.”
Did Kai already know something about the impending conversation that she wasn’t saying? Chloe clasped her hands in her lap. “You’re right. We all need to put our true feelings out there and see if it’s possible to move forward in a way that we all can live happily with.” She nodded. “If Mom says yes, then I’ll come.”
“Good.” Kai drew a breath and smiled again. “Her plane gets here in a few hours. I’m picking her up from the airport.”
“Then we should have dinner here,” Chloe said, making a sudden decision. “I’ll cook.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I want to do something for the two women I love.”
She stared at Kai. At the freckles across her nose and cheeks, the lush brown lashes dipping low over mutable eyes. The faint laugh lines around her mouth. Her mouth. For as long as she lived, she would love this woman.
Kai brushed away the new tears that tumbled down Chloe’s cheeks. “I’m humbled by you.”
Don’t be humbled, she thought. Just love me.
But she only looked away from the penetrating eyes to her hands in her lap. It was overwhelming to see Kai again after so many months. The absence had eaten away at her so much that she barely knew what it felt like not to miss her. The pain was even sharper now, for she knew that she had to endure the separation and the raw feeling of loss all over again.
But damn. It felt so good to touch her again.
Chloe clenched her hands in her lap. “I’ll see what’s in your pantry, then go to the market to get whatever else I need. Is that okay?”
“That’s more than okay.” Kai put something in her hand. “Here’s a spare key to the apar
tment. You can come and go as you like. I need to go out and take care of a few things.”
Chloe suspected that Kai just didn’t want to be closed up in the apartment with her.
“Okay. That’s fair.” She stood up. “I’m going to wash my face and get started.”
She felt Kai’s eyes on her but didn’t turn around. The other woman said something, a soft exhalation of sound, just before Chloe stepped into the well-lit hallway and headed to the bathroom.
When she returned, Kai was standing by the door, keys in hand. “I’ll be back later on,” she said. “Make yourself at home.”
Chapter 13
Chloe found only a few of the things she needed in Kai’s kitchen. Understandably so, since this was her work space and a bachelor pad. After a quick visit to the nearby market, she returned to the apartment, turned on music to distract her mind from thinking about Kai, and began to make a meal for three.
When, hours later, Chloe heard a key in the door, she quickly snatched off her apron and stood by the kitchen sink, steeling herself for her mother’s reaction to her presence in Kai’s apartment.
“It smells like someone made an amazing summer feast.” Her mother looked over her shoulder at her best friend as they came in, a strained smile on her face.
Kai carried a bag over her shoulder, something big and pink, obviously not hers. She looked nervous but happy. The door closed with a heavy click behind her. Chloe picked that moment to step from the kitchen so they could see her.
“Hi, Mom.”
Her mother stopped and stood still. “Chloe.” There was no surprise on her face, only a wary gladness.
They’d seen each other a couple of weeks before, when Chloe visited Atlanta for her stepfather’s birthday. It had been a great visit, but Kai’s absence had lent a somber air to the annual festivities, which she usually attended. Noelle Graham had been noticeably unhappy. That was when Chloe decided she had to do something other than wish for the two women to reunite. This response to her letter was even more than she could have hoped for.
“It’s good to see you, darling.”
“It’s good to see you too, Mom.” With a sob, she was in her mother’s arms, eyes tightly closed as she clung to her.
She heard Kai move out of the living room and around the apartment to give them some privacy. Chloe pulled back. “I’m so glad you came.”
“Me too.” Her mother clasped Chloe’s face between her palms, looking intently into her eyes. “Thank you for writing that letter, and thank you for not giving up on me.” Her own eyes glistened with unshed tears.
Chloe nodded, unable to say anything.
Her mother sniffled and wiped at Chloe’s tears, ignoring her own. “Now, let me help you set the table for dinner, or whatever it is that you need.”
They set the small square table—it was perfect for two, but it would do for three—that sat at a window overlooking the street. In the summer evening, tourists and New Yorkers alike strolled in their shorts and T-shirts, the tender parts of their bodies bare to the warm breezes. The sun was not long from setting, and golden light fell into the kitchen like a blessing.
“Thank you, Mom.” Chloe hugged her mother once more. “Go wash up, and I’ll finish in here.”
She couldn’t stop the tears that spilled over as her mother turned away and left the kitchen. The two best friends were speaking to each other again. Her mother looked happier than she had in a long time. Kai was . . . still Kai.
Chloe wiped her face and blew out a calming breath. She had herself back under control by the time her mother and Kai sat down at the kitchen table.
After she married Duncan, her mother’s appreciation for Jamaican food heightened. Now her favorite meal was the traditional dish called run down, a slightly sweet seafood stew made with fish or shrimp, coconut milk, tomatoes, and spices. In California Chloe had practiced making it, wanting to serve it to her mother on a special occasion one day. This seemed like the perfect occasion.
Kai, a Southern girl to the core, loved chicken and dumplings. And so Chloe had made the two dishes for the women, along with the Mexican corn bread they both loved.
“Oh my God. Is this what I think it is?” Her mother, seated at the table across from Kai, sighed as Chloe set her food in front of her: a wide plate holding two small bowls, one for each main dish. Chloe put the corn bread, cut into squares, in the small space in the center of the table.
“I made your favorites,” Chloe said with a timid smile. “I hope you like it.”
She’d never cooked for her mother before. Noelle Graham was an award-winning chef who had created dishes that literally made people cry. Chloe had always been intimidated by the idea of cooking for her, but she had wanted to show her love in a way her mother would understand.
“It looks incredible, darling.” Her mother looked at the table, then at Kai. “Everything smells wonderful.”
“Thank you.” She placed an identical plate in front of Kai, served herself, then filled their glasses with the fresh peach iced tea she’d made earlier. Finally, she set a bottle of white wine and three wineglasses on the table for later.
She sat on the third chair at the table, draping a napkin across her lap. “Do you want to say grace, Mom?”
Her mother’s chin trembled with emotion. “I think I’ll let Kai do the honors tonight.”
They held hands, Kai’s cool palm against Chloe’s left hand, her mother’s hand in her right. For a moment, Chloe felt the awkwardness of it. The woman she had made love to, whom she wanted to love for the rest of her life, was holding her hand at the same time as her mother. She bit her lip. Then her mother squeezed her hand, and the feeling of awkwardness went away. Kai began her prayer.
“We thank you, Creator, for allowing these two wonderful women into my life. I am thankful for having them at my table once again. Whatever may come, know that we are grateful for each other and all the happiness we’ve shared over the years. We live in gratitude for this meal, for our love, for being able to share both freely. Amen.”
Amens echoed around the table before hands were released.
“Thank you.” Her mother glanced at Kai.
The green and gold eyes were dark with emotion. “I’m the one who should be thanking you.”
“Weren’t either of you paying attention to the grace Kai said?” Chloe picked up her spoon and prepared to dig into the run down. “We’re all grateful, so that’s that.”
Soft laughter rippled around the table.
Chloe dipped her spoon in the bowl. “I really hope you both enjoy this. You were in my heart the entire time I was cooking.”
Her mother touched her hand, eyes again shining with tears. “I know, my darling. I’m sure it is wonderful.”
“Don’t be so sure. Remember that one time I tried to make Kai chicken and dumplings when I was in high school? It was so awful that she threw up right after she finished choking it down.”
A smile tugged at the corner of Kai’s mouth. “I think everyone remembers that day.”
Which was why whenever Chloe offered to make a meal, the response was invariably a resounding no. With amusement, she watched her mother and Kai approach their dinner with cautious spoons poised above their bowls.
“I’ll go first.” Chloe put a spoonful of the Jamaican dish in her mouth. Just like when she had tasted it in the kitchen, the mixture of coconut milk, spices, sautéed onions, and tomatoes was fragrant and delicious. The shrimp, which she’d added during the last few minutes of cooking, was perfectly tender, perfectly seasoned, with just a hint of heat from the Scotch bonnet pepper she’d put in the dish.
The two women watched her face carefully as she chewed and nodded, giving them permission to eat their own portions. Not tasting her food while she cooked was a failing of hers while she was growing up. She had thought that since her mother was such a wonderful cook, culinary genius practically ran in her veins. Not at all.
“Oh, wow. This is amazing.” Her mother’s eyeb
rows rose in surprise. “Really, really good.”
Chloe was grateful to see Kai aim her spoon directly at the chicken and dumplings. She spooned a large portion into her mouth, her face neutral but committed. Chloe saw the pleasure overtake the careful mask, her mouth moving as she chewed, a low sound of appreciation leaving her throat.
“Excellent,” she said once she’d swallowed.
Chloe released a breath of relief. “Good. Success!”
“I see what you’re doing here, love.” Her mother had also taken her spoon to Kai’s favorite dish, eating it with a smile of delight and, of course, surprise.
“I wanted to make sure I got it right this time,” Chloe said.
“It’s perfect.” Kai’s smile was warm and soft around the edges, as if there was something she was longing to say or do but didn’t dare.
“Thank you.”
But it was her mother who lightly touched her hand. “That’s not what I mean. I appreciate the love you’ve put into making this meal for us.”
The tears Chloe had sworn to banish for the evening surfaced again. “I love you both so much!” The words rushed from her. “I’d rather anything in the world happen to me than lose either of you.” She batted her tears away. “But it would be even worse to see you lose your friendship with each other, especially because of me.”
“We haven’t lost anything, Chloe.” Kai spoke carefully, tenderly. “We’ve been dealing with the situation. Noelle may talk a big game, but there’s no way that I’m going to let her out of my life. Not ever.” She put her spoon down in her bowl, glanced at both women. “I’m not going to minimize what happened. But the thing that I want to be clear about with you, Noelle, is that I love you like a sister and you’re in my life to stay. I’m also in love with Chloe.”
Chloe’s spoon slipped from her hand and clanked against the edge of the table. Hot color surged beneath her cheeks, and a tidal wave of hope began to swell in her heart.
Kai continued. “But I would sacrifice what I feel so that you and I can have what we once did.” Her lashes dipped as she glanced at Chloe. “And I think your daughter feels the same way.”
Les Tales Page 34
