by Mia Madison
She’s quiet after that. What does her subdued mood mean? Am I right? Does she want more?
I have to remind myself again how I can’t offer her more, even if it feels like I don’t want it to end when I’m with her. I know I should put a stop to it now before we both get hurt. Tonight, out here, would be a good time to have that talk. But I can’t do it. It’s like we’re on course for a collision and I forgot how to handle a steering wheel.
When we arrive at the part of the walk where I kissed her the first night, all I can think about is how much I want her again. One look at her, as she looks back at me, goes right to my groin. I hold my arms open, and she falls into them like she was made to be there. Like she always does.
A kiss is never just a kiss with her. It’s a whole body head to toe experience, every part affected. When we pause, my cock is so hard, walking around the walls is the last thing on my mind.
“We should go on so you can finish checking,” she says. “Maybe I’ll manage to get around the whole perimeter tonight.”
“I don’t know about that. There’s an old summer house on the west side of the house. I thought we might need a… rest there.”
She laughs. “A rest? Is there any resting with you?”
“Not much.”
“Won’t Tessa wonder where we are if we take too long… resting?”
“Probably. So we won’t be too long.” I whisper in her ear. “But I want you right now. Hard. Fast. Are you ready for that?”
Her breath hitches.
CHAPTER 19
Paige
The summer house looks like it has had a beating from the outside, but inside it’s not so bad. Even in the dark, I can see the furnishings are faded, but the air is far from the dank and mildewed that you might expect from a neglected building. It smells of the cedar wood it’s probably made from. Maybe the previous owners loved it here.
But all those thoughts pass through my head in an instant, and I hardly have time to register where I am before Grant closes the door and backs me against the wooden surface, kissing me with an intensity that surprises me, even for him, his body hard against mine, sending a fiery ache right through me.
I writhe against him, deliberately tormenting him, and a low warning growl escapes from his throat. He’s at the button of my jeans, pulling down the zipper, wrenching them off almost before I snatch a breath, his eyes dark, hooded with lust. He tears at my drenched panties, yanks them down my legs. His fingers are there, testing me, teasing, probing, massaging me inside.
I’ve never been so wet, so aroused. I want to spread my legs for him, let him see and touch and have all of me. Only the clothes tangled around my feet stop me from splaying myself wider for him, but my thighs open and close around his fingers and hand, as I squirm and moan.
And suddenly, I’m coming on the palm of his hand, his fingers inside me, coaxing me over the edge, and I call out meaningless words into the dark, my face against his chest.
I pull at his belt, grabbing at his cock, and he helps me like there wasn’t a second to lose. Then he’s inside me, filling me, stretching me as only he can, making me feel the power of his cock deep inside. He powers into me over and over, ramming me against the door, lifting me off my feet so my legs are wrapped around him, and it’s so good I never want it to end.
And though he said we wouldn’t be long, not long turns into again, because I lose all power of thought with him.
Not long turns into twice.
It turns into us leaving and rushing right into Tessa. She’s clearly distraught, her cheeks a river of mascara and tears.
CHAPTER 20
Grant
Tessa takes one look at us, and there’s such a look of anguish on her face, I know there must be something more than catching Paige and me in the summerhouse going on.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
But she can’t speak, she’s sobbing so much, and she turns away as if she can’t look at us.
Paige tries to hug her, but Tessa shrugs her off. “Why didn’t you tell me you and Grant were…?” She can’t bring herself to finish her sentence.
“Tessa, what’s happened?” I ask.
“Never mind. What does it matter to either of you? I thought I could trust you. Both of you.” And she bursts into a fresh set of tears. “Have you been laughing behind my back, thinking how stupid I am not to realize?”
“It’s not like that,” I say. I hate that we upset her like this. “We’d have told you eventually, but it’s really nothing. We’re just friends.”
I want to know what made her come to find us. I look to Paige for help, but then I see her distraught face. What did I just say? Fuck! In my haste to reassure Tessa, I just implied what Paige had with me was nothing. She looks like I just slapped her.
And I feel like someone kicked me in the gut that I made her feel like that, even for a moment. I’ll have to make her see I didn’t mean it. But there’s no way to do that right now. Not in the middle of whatever is happening here with Tessa.
“Why did you look for us? What’s going on, Tessa?” I ask, because if it’s nothing serious, so help me, it’s going to be a struggle not to lose my temper and give her a piece of my mind, and I know she’s vulnerable.
CHAPTER 21
Paige
I pull Tessa over to sit on the edge of the summerhouse decking. Even if she doesn’t need to sit down, I do. Grant said we were nothing! After the week we just shared, the intensity of what happened in the summerhouse. And it hurts.
But it’s my own fault. He warned me he didn’t do relationships, and I agreed to be nothing but friends with benefits. He’s never said anything about changing that. He’s told me all the things that make him the loner he is, so I can’t blame him.
At the same time, I can’t help wanting to be more than a friend. Worse, I was starting to believe we could be more, despite only knowing him such a short time.
It serves me right for hoping. Tessa’s not the stupid one around here; I am.
I try to comfort her, but I don’t know what’s happened, and I feel like I need comfort myself.
Finally, she starts to speak. I guess she’s got no one else here in Scotland, and it’s obvious she needs to talk. “It’s Jeremy. He wants a divorce.”
Poor Tessa. No wonder she was upset and came to find us. And then to discover us together. It must seem like another betrayal from those around her, because we hadn’t told her. I feel terrible about the whole thing.
“I’m so sorry, about Jeremy, and that you found us here,” I say. “It’s just a harmless flirtation. Nothing to write home about.” I feel the need to get Grant back, and I sense him wincing at my words.
I hope they sting. He deserves it. For not being what I want him to be. For making me like him too much. For looking at me and holding me and treating me like more than a friend. And calling it nothing.
That makes him a creep in my eyes right now. And a rat, a snake, and an ass. He’s the whole damn zoo. And that’s being unkind to animals. I feel like he punched me.
I take Tessa back to the house. Grant says he’ll see us later and goes off to finish his inspection.
While Tessa mops her eyes with a Kleenex, I ask her questions, trying to find out what Jeremy said. Bit by bit, between tears, the whole story emerges.
He has someone else. A guy from work.
“It feels like my whole life has been a lie,” she says. “According to him, he didn’t know when he married me. But I don’t believe him. Even on our honeymoon, he paid more attention to the waiter than he did to me. Our sex life dwindled to nothing very quickly. I hoped for children, but he rarely touched me, so that was never going to happen.”
I don’t know what to say other than how sorry I am and how it must be a shock for her. It would be for anyone. I make her a drink and hold her when she needs that.
Every time the tears stop and she looks like calming down, she thinks of something else and that brings on another round of weeping. I ca
n’t say I blame her. I’d have cried just as much, if not more.
“I tried to keep myself looking good for him,” she says. “But I was never enough. He lavished me with presents. So many presents, as if he worshipped me. It must have been guilt, I think. He wouldn’t come with me for couple counseling even though I begged. Deep down, I always knew I wasn’t what he wanted.”
*
The next day, she’s more accepting. But I’m just as unhappy with Grant. He’s staying out of my way. Out of the way of both of us, not eating in the dining room and generally making himself scarce, though I guess he’s still checking everything, still keeping us safe (if we were ever in danger from the vandals in London).
Tessa said Grant had a few words with her, hoping she was okay, but that he would give her space and keep in the background. I guess, given he’s allergic to emotion, this situation is probably too much for him.
Often, in the days following Jeremy’s call, Tessa and I don’t discuss design; we talk about men.
I tell her I think she should forgive Jeremy.
“How can I? So many years, all gone because he lied to me about what he wanted, who he was.”
She asks me about Grant, and so I give my side of the story.
“Men would be so much better if they would just do what we want them to,” Tessa says, and we laugh. We’re on our third glass of wine.
“We could easily talk ourselves into writing off the whole species,” I say.
“That’s the truth, but I don’t know—there’s something about them…”
“Yes, we can do without them, but can and want are two different things.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about you and Grant? You know, when you got together. Be honest with me.”
Her question takes me by surprise. And I tell her it’s because I thought she liked him too, at first. And that she might send me home if she was upset, and what that would mean to me.
“I’d never do that to you,” she says.
“I know that now. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you at all when I thought that. And then it was easier not to say anything. The whole thing was so new, and it turns out, there actually wasn’t anything meaningful to say. I just thought there was.”
“I did flirt with him, I suppose,” she says. “I can see where you got that idea. I would have run a mile if he’d acted on it, though, because I’ve never been unfaithful to Jeremy. I guess I was just looking for affection from anywhere to feel attractive. I flirted with anyone who came here, not just Grant.” She giggles. “But you must admit, he is pretty hot.”
“Yes, damn him.” And we laugh. It’s good to hear her laugh more tonight, even if the wine is causing it.
“I’m not letting him off, though,” I say.
“But you told me I should forgive Jeremy and wish him well!”
“I did, didn’t I?”
“What did he really do to you? Was it so bad?”
“He made me happy and then snatched it all away. I know I can’t really blame him, but if I’d never met him I wouldn’t be feeling like this, so it’s his fault.”
“That’s wine logic,” Tessa says. “Cold light of day logic is different. Talk to him.”
“He doesn’t care if I talk to him or not. Except if we’re not friends, there are no benefits.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t see it like that.”
“I’m not so sure. He told me he doesn’t do emotion.”
“Everyone does emotion. Some just hide it better than others.”
CHAPTER 22
Grant
Paige doesn’t even look at me now. When I try to speak with her, she makes like she’s in a hurry and can’t bear to be around me.
I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t force her to talk to me, and even if I could, what would I say? I’d like to let her know that she means much more than my dismissive statement at the summerhouse, but nothing fundamental has changed. I can’t offer her a future. I’m still me. This has only pre-empted the end. There’s no point making things worse for us both.
If the misery I’m feeling now is an indication of how I’d feel if we had been together for the whole month and then had to part, I don’t want to go there, and it’s just as well we broke up.
But it doesn’t make me feel any better now.
Every time I see the summerhouse on my rounds, I think of our last time there. I miss Paige more than I can say.
And I’d like just one more night—one magnificent no holds barred night where we part as friends, and not as we are now, not speaking at all.
As I walk around the grounds, looking for evidence of breaches to the perimeter I know won’t be there, Tessa catches me. I’ve only ever seen her out here on that one day by the summerhouse.
“Getting some fresh air?” I ask. “Not like you.”
“No, not like me at all. I came to find you.”
“I’m here. What is it?”
“Paige wants to talk to you. I told her I didn’t need you this afternoon. I just came to let you know. She thought about two o’clock in the conservatory. Is that okay for you?”
“Yes, I’ll see her there. And thanks, Tessa.”
“No problem. I hope it works out for you both.”
I don’t know why Paige didn’t just come and speak to me. Was she worried I wouldn’t want to talk to her? Even so, there’s a spring in my step that wasn’t there before as I finish my perimeter walk. I don’t know what Paige wants to say to me, but it’s a step forward from not speaking at all. And I need to think what I’m going to say to her, before she’s standing right in front of me, and my brain cells go to mush.
CHAPTER 23
Paige
I’m nervous about meeting Grant, but I guess we can’t avoid talking forever. He hurt me, but I don’t want him to know quite how much. It’s been a few days now. Hopefully I’ll be able to act like an adult and keep my dignity intact, whatever he says to me when I meet him.
The smashed panes in the conservatory are all boarded up and the roof beams secured, so it’s protected from the outside elements, but it’s still cold and bleak.
At first I think there’s no one there when I arrive, but he’s standing against the far wall, completely still, watching me come in.
Am I deluding myself, or do his eyes light up when he sees me?
“Tessa said you wanted to see me,” I say. I can’t get too carried away until I know what he wants.
His eyes flicker in surprise. He wasn’t expecting me to say that.
“She said you wanted to see me,” he says, and then adds quickly, “not that I don’t want to see you. I do.”
My heart lurches with disappointment. “Tessa set this whole thing up?”
“It looks like it.”
I guess she meant well, but now I feel worse than ever.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “For what I said to Tessa at the summerhouse.”
“Well, you said we could just be friends, and we were nothing more than that. Just like you said.” I just about manage to get the words out, my voice catching.
“I’m sorry I can’t be more. You’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m okay.”
I have to get out of here and get to my room without breaking down. I should have been ready for this. It’s what I expected from the start, after all. But I’m not ready, and as I turn to leave, a little sob comes out of my throat.
CHAPTER 24
Grant
Why isn’t she missing me like crazy, like I am her? She’s subdued, but she says she’s okay. How can she be okay when I’m not even close to okay? As she turns to go, I think that’s it, it’s all over. There’s nothing I can do, but then I hear the little sobbing sound she makes.
“Paige?”
She stops, but she won’t look at me.
I catch hold of her arm and swivel her around.
What does it matter if this will make things worse in the end? I feel like crap now, and I want to hold her, so I do. And th
en I make things more complicated than ever and kiss her.
At first, she goes with it; she kisses me back. It’s as passionate as it’s ever been, but then she pulls away.
“No, I can’t do this,” she says. “Sorry. I thought I could do the whole friends with benefits thing, but I can’t. I know that’s what you want, but I just can’t. It’s not enough for me.”
I almost say, “It’s not enough for me either,” but the words stick in my throat. I can either disappoint her now or later. But to avoid disappointing her now, I’d have to lie about there being a future for us, and I can’t lie to her.
“I’m sorry I’m not what you need. I really am.”
“Yes,” she says. “I’m sorry, too.”
“Do you want to tell Tessa her ploy didn’t work, or should I?” I ask. I don’t hold it against Tessa. I’m sure she was trying to help.
“I’ll tell her,” Paige says.
“All right, then. I’ll speak to Jeremy again about letting me go, and then I’ll leave you two in peace. I’m glad you’re friends now. You don’t want me hanging around.”
I watch her go, and then I place a call to Jeremy, who agrees that I can leave at the end of the week.
The sooner I get out of here, the sooner I can get back to normal. If it’s even possible.
CHAPTER 25
Paige
It will be easier when Grant has gone and I can start to forget him. Despite how little time I’ve known him, I don’t think I’ll forget him as easily as Ian. It’s ridiculous. But that’s me, Paige get-in-a-scrape Newman.
He only has a few days left, but I see very little of him. He always eats in the kitchen now, even though Tessa invites him for dinner, and I never catch him in my part of the house. But when I do come across him it hurts.
