“I’m not going to discuss my son’s dreams or whatever else, unless I know exactly what he has revealed so far.”
She looks at me and nods. “When Vin sleeps, he has nightmares. They’re bad Catherine, most of the time I can calm him. But sometimes, even when I calm him, he might stop fighting in his sleep, but he still talks. I know about the beatings Catherine. I know that William use to hit him and you repeatedly. I’ve seen the scars Catherine, so I know how bad they were.”
She wipes her eyes and continues, “The only time I questioned any information about them, is well, sometimes he refers to you as Catherine and sometimes momma. It’s almost like you are two separate people. I can tell though that he loves you without a doubt. His dreams go back and forth in time so sometimes it’s just a little hard to understand the timeframe. He also dreams about the war. Horrible dreams Catherine.”
She takes a deep breath before continuing, looks me straight in my eyes and says, “I told Vin that I know about his dreams, but I never told him everything. I don’t think he could handle the idea of me knowing.”
“Knowing what?”
“I know Vincent killed your husband.”
I stare back at her realizing she knows the worst, but not all.
I believe and trust Brittany. She would never hurt me, and she knows that hurting Vincent would hurt me. So, I decide to fill in the blanks.
“Vincent killed his father.”
She looks at me in shock, her eyes close when she understands what I just said.
“William was Vincent’s biological father. But I am not his biological mother.”
I stand to fix me a well-needed drink. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to talk about any of this.
I swallow down my scotch and let the burn take over. “I found out that my husband had a mistress he kept. She was an ordinary prostitute. Like many, she captured my husband’s eye. I found out about her when she cornered me one day, when I was out with my infant son, Gabriel. She told me she was pregnant, and she was going to marry William, that he didn’t love me or our son. She said he loved her and that her son was going to be his heir, his legacy. Her son, not mine would rule the empire that William had acquired. I instantly hated her and her child. I was scared that this woman had the power to take everything away from us. I couldn’t raise my child like he should be raised if she was right, and I refused to be kicked out like garbage. Not anymore.”
“At that time, I thought there could be love between William and me. We started off as an arrangement, nothing more. But when I got pregnant he started showing me affection for the first time. But he was a cruel man, I should’ve known better. When I confronted him about her, he told me she was lying. That he had fallen in love with me and our son. I was stupid enough to believe him. But as time went on, so did his relationship with her. When he realized that the idea of her bothered me, he thought I was jealous. He thought that meant I loved him. I might have felt something for him, but it was not love and he made sure from then on, I never would”.
“He knew I feared her, so he used her as a weapon to keep me in line. When Vincent was born, he made sure to go see him, not because he loved the child, but to hurt me. After that visit, I changed. I knew he would continue to taunt me with them. From then on, I refused to show them as a weakness anymore. That just angered him more. I didn’t think it was possible, but he became even crueler. From the beginning, he would slap me around a bit but then he started beating me. He claimed that he loved me so much that I drove him mad with my indifference.”
“After a while, his drug usage increased. He was becoming nothing more than a shell of the man he once was. Vincent’s mother reached out to me, saying she needed money. That William was behind on her bills and her baby was hungry. I still hated her, but I also needed her. The only time I didn’t have to worry about William’s attacks was when he was with her. So, I agreed to go see her and pay her bills myself. I was not expecting to see what I saw.”
“Upon my arrival to her apartment, she opened the door not looking like the beauty I had remembered. She was now a full-blown drug addict like my husband and she had a black eye showing me that William treated her the same. That, however, did not make me offer her any sympathy. I still hated her, I just felt justified. William had no more love for this woman than he had for me. That black eye verified that I never had to worry about her taking my place. But then I heard a baby cry. She asked me to wait while she went to get him.”
I stand to fix another drink. I will need it in order to admit what I’ve never told anyone.
“The minute she brought that child into the room, I recognized his eyes. They were my Gabriel’s. Proving that no matter what I felt about his mother’s place in my life, that boy was dangerous to me and my child. He was the one that had the power to destroy everything. I hated him with everything I had in me. His very existence was an everyday threat to our life.”
I see Brittany wipe away some tears, “I thought so. I wasn’t sure, I mean everyone thinks that Vincent isn’t a true Stern, but when I saw his eyes up close, they looked so familiar. They have some of the same amber color as Gabriel’s.”
“Yes, they do. I hate to admit that I hated a child Brittany, but I did. I won’t lie about that. Vincent knows, he felt my hatred.”
“Will you tell me the rest?”
“Do you love my son, Brittany?”
She starts fidgeting again looking around the room in order to buy time to put her wall back in place. But I know that trick, I used to do the same thing.
“Brittany look at me. There is no need for you to protect yourself with me. I think I have proven myself to you over the years. This is my son, you owe me enough respect to be honest with me.”
“I didn’t mean to Catherine, I really didn’t. You know I accepted a long time ago that I would never have the love of a man. But somewhere in our arrangement, my feelings grew for him.”
She whispers the next part, “I love him.”
“Then I will tell you all of it.”
She nods her head waiting for me to continue, “I decided I needed to find a use for Vincent’s mother. If she was going to be in my life, she had to be of some use. So, I told her from then on, I would pay all her bills and some extra for her to keep seeing William. It wasn’t a hard sell, she was in love with him, but I needed her clean and sober. I knew William was going to be out of town for work for a while, so I told her I would pay for a nanny and I’d do everything I said I would if she went away to get clean. I told her I wanted to know everything from then on. Sort of like you do for me, she would tell me everything from his moods, his drugs, and anything else he would let slip in front of her. She agreed and for years, it worked perfectly. I found out enough information that I was able to use it against my husband behind his back. It helped me gain power. But that story isn’t important now.”
“As the years went on, William became more of an addict and so did she. I tried to keep her clean, but it never held. William kept feeding her the drugs like candy. He also kept beating us both. Vincent grew up in that shit. But I didn’t care, every time I saw him, I felt nothing but hatred.”
“I remember the day I got the call. She had my number programmed into her phone because she couldn’t remember anything anymore. She called me, or at least I thought it was her when I saw her number on my cell phone. But then a child spoke, crying saying his mom wouldn’t wake up. He had pressed the button to my number, not knowing who I was. He kept begging for me to come. I was so close to hanging up on him, but then he said my name. I thought he didn’t know but she must have gone over it with him, teaching him that if anything ever happened, to call me. I was frozen on the phone, he just kept repeating himself, calling out my name.”
“I eventually hung up on him and made an anonymous phone call to the police. I told them there was a child screaming from inside the apartment. Then I drove to the apartment and sat, watching, making sure that she was dead. If she were, then I would
allow them to take Vincent into the system. It would be perfect. William didn’t care what happened to the boy and he was too young to ever remember any of us. I would be rid of him just like I was now rid of his mother. I would no longer ever have to fear this boy trying to come after what was mine and my children’s. But that’s not what happened.”
“As they carried her covered body out on a stretcher, I knew she was dead. I figured she had finally overdosed. I got out of the car to get a closer look. I’ve wondered many times if I would’ve stayed in the damn car, how things would have turned out. But I didn’t and now, today, I am thankful I didn’t. I heard him before I saw him. He was screaming and kicking, as they were trying to restrain him. But he was giving them the best fight he could for a seven-year-old. When they got him to curb he froze, he stopped crying and begging. He stood there, staring me down, making direct eye contact with me. I saw all his hatred for me in that one look, but then I saw his desperation and his fear. I saw the hopelessness in him. And he had every right to have those feelings. I had been in the same position he now found himself in; alone and scared. I know what happens in the system, so I knew what was more than likely going to happen to him. Standing there, I was ready and willing to let them take him off to a life he might not survive. But something else happened when they took their attention off him. He tried to run to me, yelling my name. I knew right then he might hate me, but he needed me, and, in some sense, I needed him too.”
“They finally got him in the car and took him away. I watched as they drove off. I still felt hate for him but something else was there. Regret, remorse, I don’t know how to explain it. But I couldn’t get him off my mind. Arriving back home, William was there, wanting to know where I’d been. I made some story up that he bought or at least I thought. That night, he beat me so bad it took days for me to even be able to walk straight. For those days I stayed in bed, I thought of nothing else but the boy screaming for me. How could I do that to him? How could I let him live in the system with all its horrors? The more my children would come to see me, the more I saw him. Every time Gabriel looked at me, I saw Vin and his pleading eyes.”
“One night, William was so drugged up he started talking gibberish. Like you, I listened. I learned that the night Vincent’s mother died, William was there. He was with her in the apartment. The son of a bitch left a woman who loved him and gave him a child, there to die as he snuck away; not caring what happened to her or his son.”
“Right then I knew Vincent also knew what his father did. He would hate him just as much as I did. I planned on using that. He could become my weapon against my husband.”
I snicker because I see the horror on Brittany’s face. “Don’t judge me, girl, you have no idea what I’ve lived through. You don’t have a fucking clue! Yes, it’s horrible to hate a child, yes, it’s horrible to have thoughts of using a child as a weapon but it’s also horrible to have left him where he was. It was all horrible, but I think the worst was going back for him. No matter how horrible my plans were, or the system, even today, it’s nothing compared to what I put that child through. I should’ve forgotten about him and I will never forgive myself for not doing so. If I would’ve left him, he would have had a chance, a slim one, but by taking him, I was sentencing him to a life of torture.”
“By that time, I had gained enough power in the state, I didn’t need William’s help to adopt Vin. I paid a judge off and was then able to adopt him by myself. I didn’t even tell William I had done it. The first time I saw Vincent again, I saw the same hate in him that I had for him, and I accepted it. I would feed that hatred, but I would turn it towards his father. That was my plan, but I should’ve known I was acting without thinking it all the way through.”
Brittany asks, “What happened?”
“My husband happened. When I brought Vincent home, William was angered beyond recognition. He told me to take him back, but I refused, telling him that I would leave him and take my children. He knew that every time I had ever threatened it in the past, it was all bullshit, but now I had some level of power and he was scared I’d carry through. From then on, his anger was unstoppable. William blamed Vincent for me not loving him. He refused to ever acknowledge that Vincent was even his child. He would belittle him, refusing to call him by his name. Bastard, was the only name William ever called him. He wouldn’t even let Vincent have a room near the other boys. I left it alone thinking it would just feed into Vincent’s hatred for William. I lived my life taking care of my sons and cared very little for Vincent.”
“How could you do that, Catherine?”
“I don’t know Brittany! I was not in the best place back then. I was barely hanging on, myself. I had a brutal husband and my own three sons. You don’t think that every day I don’t wake up with regret? None of the other shit I’ve ever done in my life haunts me like what I did to that child by not leaving him!”
I fix another drink, again needing the courage to finish my story. “One day, the maid told me that Vincent had a fever. He was sick and was refusing to let her touch him. I went to his room to see for myself what the problem was. When I got there, I saw he was flushed with fever. As I tried to get closer to him, he would back away from me, trying to shelter himself from me with his blanket. I was tired of his foolishness, so I removed it from him and told him to stay still. I felt his head and realized he was burning up. His clothes were soaked. I tried to remove his shirt, but he fought me. When I finally got it off him, I saw the burns and cuts. I grabbed his arm and demanded he tell me what happened. His eyes were venomous but then he answered, telling me that William had done it to him. I called my doctor, knowing I could trust him not to report it. Some of the wounds were so deep they needed stitches and Vincent had developed an infection from them. The doctor gave me some antibiotics and creams. He told me how to wash his wounds and how to keep his fever down.”
“That was when things changed. There was something in him I recognized. Myself. He was just like me at that age. He was strong and willful. The pain of recognition from him suffering in silence nearly destroyed me. I became Vincent’s nurse and over the next few days, I became his mother. I never expected to fall for him, but I did. I fell so in love with that little boy. He became mine, my son. My plans changed. I no longer could use him as a weapon. Now I would have to protect him from William as much as I could.”
I stop to laugh.
“Why are you laughing, Catherine?”
“Because, no matter what my intentions were to protect Vincent, I was useless. I had overestimated myself. That’s a mistake I will never make again. The more I tried to protect Vincent, the more William took his aggression out on me. Vincent would watch as I interfered in Williams abuse of him. He watched his father beat me over and over. Several times he tried to stop William, but I would beg for him to leave and run. I was willing to take all the beatings to protect my son. I still would. I tried, I really did, all while trying to hide it from my other sons. I failed though, the older Vincent got, the worse William got. He started using Vincent for his drug runs. He also lured Vincent into using the drugs with him. I didn’t know at first, I swear I didn’t. But when I found out Vincent needed help, he begged me not to help him. He claimed that if he kept William drugged up enough, then he didn’t have the strength to hit me anymore. Vin was protecting me the only way he knew how. But I couldn’t let him drown in drugs like William or his mother. I needed my son to live. So, I got him help.”
“He returned home after getting clean, talking about killing William. Something at one time, I hoped for but now, I prayed would never come. The more he swore it, the more I prayed.”
“Why not let him? He deserved to kill him.”
“I couldn’t let him. I might have trained my sons to take lives when needed, but I knew that taking the life of his father would haunt him for the rest of his life. No matter what the man did to him, he was still part of Vincent. I didn’t want my son to go through that kind of pain.”
�
�Then why didn’t you kill him?”
I stare at her trying to figure out how to make her understand. “I owed my husband. I might not have loved him like a wife should have, but there are things you don’t know. Even with all the horrible things he put me through, I owed him. He gave me this life, he gave me my children and without him knowing, he gave me my power. I’m loyal to people that have done for me, and William had done the worst, but he also did the most. I won’t go there with you. Let’s finish the story. It wasn’t long before Vincent started using drugs again. One night, William was beating me. I don’t even remember what I’d done, although it never took much. Zander heard my screams and came running to my rescue. He tried to kill William but again, I begged, not wanting any of my sons to go down that road. When Zander left, I saw Vincent staring at me. The pain in his eyes said it all. I knew he was close to snapping. I couldn’t stop any of what was about to happen. When I knew Zander was safe and Vincent had left, I thought the fight was over, but I was wrong. William continued to hit me until I passed out on the floor. I don’t know how long I was out for, but when I woke, I saw Vincent and William sitting on the floor with their backs propped on adjacent walls. Vincent had a needle in his arm and William was barely breathing.”
I continue to tell her the rest, but I can’t hear my own voice. It all comes rushing back to me like it was yesterday.
“Vincent, Vincent!” I crawl on my hands and knees to my son, slapping him awake. “Vincent, what did you do?! What did you do?!”
He tries to answer, but it’s nothing more than a whisper. I lean in closer to hear him, while removing the needle from his arm.
In a drugged slur he whispers, “I called Theo, Mom. I killed him. I needed him to die like he killed my mother. Before he kills you, Mom. Forgive me. I love you Mom, forgive me.”
“You stay awake, you hear me, Vincent?!” I crawl to William and see he’s still breathing, barely hanging on, but we still have time. I crawl back to Vincent. “Son, look at me, he’s not dead, you did nothing wrong, you hear me?! You stay with me! I’m calling the ambulance, they’ll save the both of you. You hear me?! You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You didn’t kill him!”
Art of Loyalty (A Stern Family Saga Book 4) Page 23
