“I’m fine,” I said, forcing a smile.
“You’re not fine.”
His words hit home. In the short time Luke had known me, he knew how to read me. There was no lying to him, yet I had spent two years trying to show Bruce that I wasn’t okay.
“I’m not okay,” I admitted. My eyes filled with tears, and I pulled my sunglasses from my head and covered my eyes.
“You want to talk about it?” Luke offered.
My throat tightened, and I swallowed. “Today is Bruce’s birthday,” I said as I choked on the words. Shaking my head, I kept my eyes glued to AJ’s back. “I’ve been so busy lately that it didn’t dawn on me until this morning. Out of nowhere, a light went off in my head, and I realized he would’ve been another year older today.”
“I’m sorry.” Luke’s voice was kind.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. I swallowed back, needing a few seconds to capture my thoughts.
“We can head back if you want.”
“Nah.” I wiped a tear off my cheek and smiled. “Look at AJ’s face.” I nodded, trying to justify my emotions. “He’s having the time of his life.”
“He’s so smart, too.” Luke looked back at him and then at me. “He picked up the commands right away,” he added proudly.
My heart ached at the bond he and AJ were building. The guilt reappeared. I closed my eyes briefly. “Thank you for today.” Luke reached across and placed his hand over mine—a soft and gentle touch. There were no words spoken, but I knew what he was trying to say.
Our brief moment was interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone.
“You’d think I wouldn’t get service out here,” I said, my voice filled with annoyance. I made no effort to answer, and after a few rings it stopped for a brief moment before it started up again.
“You might want to grab that?” Luke glanced at my purse.
I scrunched my nose and shook my head. “I don’t want to ruin this.” There was no way I was answering.
We sat out on the boat for a few hours before heading to Tybee Island for lunch. AJ helped Luke steer and dock the boat while I watched the two of them form a bond that I knew, without a doubt, would be unbreakable.
When I stepped off the boat, my legs buckled. AJ laughed, and Luke laced his hands around my waist. “Sea legs,” he said, whispering into my ear.
“I’m not a fan of this.” I tried kicking out my legs, hoping that the vertigo would disappear.
“You’re loving this.” Luke held my biceps so I could stand on my own.
“AJ is loving this, so next time you two can come out and fish on your own. I’ll stay home.”
“And miss out on lunch?” He laughed as he led me up the dock to the restaurant. AJ was already at the top waiting patiently for us. “It’s not every day that Steve makes his world-famous fish tacos.”
“I’m going to need a margarita or something stronger to make me get back on that boat.”
“You got it.” He turned his attention to the older gentleman who now stood next to AJ. “Steve,” Luke said, extending his free hand to greet a man who looked like he lived on his boat. He reeked of fish and his beard was long and untamed.
“How’s it going?” Steve shook his hand and then looked over at me. “You must be the lovely Stephanie,” he said as he took my hand in his.
“Everything all set?” Luke asked.
“Follow me,” Steve replied.
Luke had truly planned this day out for AJ. He taught him to cast a line, reel in a fish, and now Steve was going to teach him to properly clean the fish he caught. Luke and I trailed behind Steve and AJ as he led us to the outdoor kitchen. He took the fish AJ caught and added it to the pile of fresh fish he had caught during his time out on the water.
Both Luke and AJ were amazed at how Steve moved his knife, effortlessly filleting the fish. I, on the other hand, was disgusted. I wasn’t a girly girl, but I wasn’t a girl who wanted to know where her food came from. I just wanted to order my fish tacos with blissful ignorance . . . from a restaurant.
Every once in a while, Luke looked up at me and began to laugh. I assumed it was because of the expression on my face. I wasn’t trying to hide it; I was truly disgusted. Every time AJ said “Oh, guts!” it made my stomach turn even more.
When my phone rang yet again, Steve stopped in his tracks and looked up at me. “Sorry,” I said, and jammed my hand into my purse to silence it.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. I can wait till you’re finished if you’d like to watch.” His southern twang was thick.
I kindly smiled and shook my head. I would rather watch the guts spill out of the lifeless fish than have a conversation with my mother-in-law.
Steve continued to fillet another fish, and once he was done, he walked it over to the barbecue and placed it on the hot grill. AJ watched him reverently, as though Steve had become his idol. Luke walked over to me, holding the skeleton of the fish between his fingers. “My precious,” he joked in his best Gollum from Lord of The Rings voice.
“If you think you’re going to scare me with that thing, you have another think coming. You better put that away right now.” I tried to use my most motherly tone.
Luke only laughed out loud and made the poor little skeleton dance for me. “Give me back my Filet-o-Fish,” he sang and then began to laugh at himself, but his laugh was interrupted yet again by my damn phone.
“Ugh,” I said loudly.
He discarded the fish and wiped his hands clean. “Why don’t you silence the phone? Or, better yet, you could answer it.”
I had considered turning it off many times before—it would solve all my problems. But after I missed the call informing me of Bruce’s accident, I swore I’d always carry my phone and would never put it on silent.
“No, I need to have my phone on.” I knew there was a hint of panic in my voice, so I forced a reassuring smile onto my face.
“Mom!” AJ called out, and Luke and I both spun. “Steve said the fish is almost ready and we can go grab our seats.” He jumped up, unable to contain himself.
“Do you think he’s having a good time?” Luke asked
“I think you’ve become his very best friend.” I smiled as we walked from the outdoor kitchen toward the tables scattered on the dock. AJ was already sitting in his chair with a lobster bib tied around his neck.
After the waitress brought our drinks, Steve served our lunch and then went back to check on his boat. AJ quickly devoured his tacos and sat up. “May I be excused, please?” He chugged his apple juice. “I want to watch Steve clean his boat. Please, Mom?”
Steve’s boat was docked close to ours, and he was walking around, moving what I assumed was his fishing gear. “You can sit on the dock,” I said. “But you may not go on the boat, and you may not ask him to go on the boat. You can sit on the dock and observe, understand?”
A smile crept up on AJ’s face as he nodded.
The phone rang again, and Luke glanced up at me. “You know, it would probably stop if you just answered.”
He was right. Clearly, Sue wasn’t going to give up, and I’d end up answering it sooner or later because I always did. I always answered. I slid my finger across the screen and lifted it to my ear. “Yes?”
“You ungrateful woman!” Her voice bellowed from the small speaker. “You killed Bruce!” she cried, and I pulled the phone from my ear. “I would have him here if it wasn’t for you! You should have died, not him!”
The tears welled in my eyes, and I lowered my chin in shame. I knew her spiel all too well. She had done this for four years now. I forced my tears to stay in as I focused my gaze on the grain of the wooden table. She would speak her peace and then let me be.
“I don’t know how you live with yourself.”
Before she could finish, the phone was pulled away from my hands. I snapped my head up, blinking away a tear that had made my eyes blurry. “That’s cruel,” Luke said, tossing the phone on the table. “I had no idea it was like that.�
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“It’s her son’s birthday.” I cleared my throat and wiped the tears from my face. “Today she gets to hate me a little bit more than any other day. I have a son and I would probably be even worse to the person responsible for his death, so I get her anger.”
“It was an accident,” he said to console me. But I had gone through this for the past four years. It didn’t matter that it was an accident. In Sue’s eyes, I took her son away from her, and I was at fault. There was no other way to explain it. I was the reason Bruce wasn’t here.
I opened my mouth to explain that it didn’t faze me anymore, that I let vent her anger, when my phone rang.
Luke reached for the device faster than I could and slid his finger across the screen. “Stephanie is busy right now. She’s going to have to give you a call back—”
His words were interrupted as Sue continued to scream on the other end of the line. I couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying, but I knew it was filled with hatred and pain. Luke listened quietly until she calmed down.
“I’m very sorry for your loss, ma’am,” he said. “But what you are doing is cruel and unfair. You need to let it go. You need to remember that Stephanie and AJ are all you have left of your son, and maybe if you focused more on building a relationship with them, you wouldn’t be so miserable on this day. Have you stopped to think how this affects her? How this day must be terrible for her as well?”
Sue said a few things, and Luke slowly pulled the phone from his ear before disconnecting.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said. I was sad that it was another birthday that AJ wouldn’t get to spend with his dad, but I was also happy to not have to hear Sue yell anymore.
“If she wants to be angry, she can, she has that right, but she doesn’t have the right to take it out on you,” Luke reminded me.
“Thank you.” I said quietly. Having Luke on my side made me feel as though I wasn’t all alone anymore. After years of carrying the guilt on my back, I had finally found someone who eased my loneliness.
* * *
One thing I never did was return to the graveyard after we buried Bruce. Truthfully, it was too much for me at the time. I was emotionally broken and not in the right frame of mine. Internally, I said that Bruce lived in my heart, and he lived in AJ. Therefore, visiting a piece of grass was a waste of time. I didn’t want to remember the cold body that was laid to rest. I wanted to remember the man I fell in love with, the one I married, and the one who fathered my son.
“Mom?” AJ said as I put the car in park.
My sunglasses covered the majority of my face, and I quietly thanked them for hiding my fear and anxiety from AJ.” We’re here, sweetheart,” I said, shutting off the car and looking back at him. His hands were coiled around the bouquet of flowers we had picked up at the local market.
He looked at me and then out the window at all the gravestones. It was hard to explain to a child—a six-year-old, nonetheless—what we were doing. It was even harder to explain to a child that his father loved him even though he was dead.
“If you don’t want to go, I can do it, honey.” I focused on keeping my voice low and calm.
“No, I want to go.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and slid from his booster seat.
I swallowed, hoping to alleviate some of the tightness in my throat before stepping out of the car. With AJ by my side, I rested my hand on his shoulder as we walked. Each step brought us closer to Bruce’s final resting place and my heart began to race.
Beloved husband.
Beloved father.
Beloved son.
Taken from us too soon.
Alistair Bruce Johnson.
My eyes filled with tears as I read the engraved gravestone. It was a classic plaster piece, manly and handcrafted.
“Happy birthday, Dad,” AJ whispered and slowly laid the flowers on the grass. “We miss you.”
It was what we had practiced.
When I told him we were coming to see where his father was buried, he asked me what he should say. “Wish him happy birthday, honey, and tell him we miss him.” I ran my hands through his hair and he looked up at me. I hadn’t expected the disappointment in AJ’s expression. Was he expecting more from a cemetery? Or was he himself facing his own turmoil over coming to visit?
“That was perfect.” My voice held more trepidation than I’d have liked. “Your daddy is very proud of you.” I knew my eyes were filling with tears; it was only a matter of time before one slipped out.
“Can I go sit in the car?” AJ asked, and I nodded. I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts. A few minutes to speak to Bruce.
I stood before the tombstone and held my breath until I heard the car door shut. I exhaled slowly and let the tears drip down my face. I hadn’t expected it to be this hard. I should have visited him sooner.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, my voice barely audible as my throat tightened. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you. I’m sorry that in the four years you’ve been gone, you’ve missed so much of AJ’s life. It pains me to know how much more you will miss.” At one point in our short lives together, he was my very best friend, but toward the end we had grown apart until we were more like strangers. I pushed all the doubt aside and spoke from my heart. “I’m better now. A lot better. I wish you were here to see the changes. I wish you were here to help me on the nights AJ has bad dreams. I wish you were here to hold me at night. I miss you, Bruce.”
I walked forward and rested my hand on his stone. It was warm from the sun, and I closed my eyes, imagining how Bruce always looked on his birthday. He wore his famous birthday shorts that had an elastic band, so he could eat with leisure, and every year I challenged myself to make his cake from scratch. He loved it, but not as much as his favorite boxed funfetti.
“Happy birthday, my love.”
I smiled and looked down at his name again. I didn’t tell him about Luke. I didn’t tell him I’ve moved on. He didn’t need to know that, but I was certain the only thing Bruce ever wanted for me was to be happy.
And for the first time in a long time, I was.
11
past
Marriage is one person always having their foot out the door, and in order for the marriage to work, the other person has to give them a reason to stay.
After Bruce left, I didn’t cry. I sat at my kitchen table unable to move. I realized that crying and arguing would never get me anywhere. The weight of my marriage and family sat on my shoulders, and I refused to continue to live like this. I couldn’t hold on to that this too shall pass bullshit anymore. That after some time we would find our way back to a happiness we once knew. Sometimes people in our lives had an expiration date, and sometimes you needed to take a step back and ask for help.
I needed help.
Bruce and I needed help.
My family needed help.
My poor baby.
I wasn’t ready to let go just yet. Not when I had AJ’s future to worry about. I opened a browser on my laptop and Googled a couple of therapists in the area who had great reviews. I had never understood therapy because I’d never needed it before. Was I going to therapy because I wanted to work on my marriage with Bruce? Or was I going to therapy because I wanted the courage to finally leave him?
The phone rang in my ear, and a ball of nerves formed in my throat. “Sunnyside Medical Group. How can I help you?”
My stomach turned, and I quickly hung up. How was I supposed to tell them my deepest secrets and fears when they seemed happy with life? I didn’t want their judgey eyes on my marriage. How could I sit there and explain to a stranger how lonely I was? How insanely sad my life had become? How could I tell them that at times I wished I could drive away and never come back? I pressed my fingertips to my eyes in hopes that it would stop the tears.
I sighed and looked over at my fridge. Picture magnets of AJ smiled at me. He deserved a loving home. He was worth fighting through every doubt, fear, and argument. He was our main
priority.
I Googled another therapist, Sandra Kaar. I read through her website and she seemed somewhat normal, so I hit the call button. Like before, the phone rang but a voicemail picked up. “You have reached the voicemail of Sandra Kaar. I’m unavailable at the moment or away from the phone. Please leave me a detailed message and I’ll return your call.” The phone beeped, and the line went silent. This was when I was supposed to leave my information. The next step in the right direction. But again, I chickened out.
Feeling like a failure, I let my tears drip down my cheeks. Where would I even start? How would I begin to tell a complete stranger the problems in my marriage? I had fought for so long that I was now drained and there was no fight left in me.
I didn’t say anything. I sat there with the phone glued to my ear as words refused to form. Anger overtook me, and I felt like a complete failure. I had failed in life. I had failed in my marriage. And worst of all, I was failing AJ. With every fiber in me I threw my cell phone across the kitchen. It shattered into pieces.
When the house line rang at exactly 12:06, my blood boiled with rage. Every painful emotion coiled around my soul, making it impossible to think clearly. I marched over to the receiver and brought the phone to my ear.
“What?” I barked into the phone.
“Are you okay?” Bruce asked.
There wasn’t a single part of me that was okay. Who in their right mind would think I was okay? I inhaled slowly and tried to calm my rapid heartbeat. Then I sighed into the receiver. “Bruce . . . I am so tired. So fucking tired.”
“What can I do?” he asked. “I don’t know what to do to make you happy.”
I closed my eyes as heavy tears dripped down my cheeks. There was nothing he could do. We had failed. “Just forget it, Bruce. There isn’t anything you can do. I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.” It was easier to lie than admit the truth. I didn’t wait for him to say good-bye. Instead, I clicked the button off and headed to the pantry.
The Perfect Life Page 12
