“Stay here.” I said to AJ and marched out of the exam room.
“Luke,” I snapped. He was halfway into his office and I caught up and slammed the door behind us. “Nothing?” I said through gritted teeth.
“Steph,” he said on a sigh.
“You think that’s what I deserve? You completely pretend I don’t exist?” My voice rose an octave.
“You asked to never see me again.” He shrugged. “I’m just trying to do what you asked.”
“I didn’t ask to be ignored.”
“I’m not ignoring you.” He took a step forward and the anger I felt vanished. I realized we were alone in his office with the door shut. “The only thing I want to do is make you happy.” He looked at my eyes and shook his head. “I love you, and I will continue to do whatever makes your life easier.”
“Luke . . .” Words failed me.
“I know.” He lowered his gaze. “You can’t forgive me.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that maybe I could when a tapping on the door stopped me. “Mom?” AJ said.
“Coming.” I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. I looked over at Luke one last time, then turned on my heel and left.
AJ and I were out of the building when he looked up at me. “Mom?” he said, pulling my attention from the thought of Luke telling me he loved me.
“Yeah?” I ran my hand through his shaggy hair.
“Can you and Luke stop fighting?”
“I’m sorry?” I stopped along the paved sidewalk and stared at him.
“I want us all to be the way we were. You were happy when he was your friend. I’m sure he’ll say sorry.”
My eyes filled with tears and I nodded.
Maybe AJ was right. It was time for us to be the way we were before.
* * *
I answered the house line late one Sunday morning.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Stephanie. It’s Sue.” Her voice was chipper. “Did I catch you at a bad time?” she asked.
“No, you didn’t,” I said, shutting off the faucet in the kitchen sink. AJ and I had been lounging around in bed most of the morning. We’d had a late breakfast, and I was cleaning up while he read a book on the couch.
“I won’t keep you long. I wanted to ask if you guys would like to have Sunday dinner with us.”
I bit along my lower lip. Sue and I had tiptoed into a friendship. Neither one of us pushed too much, and Alastair was always the mediator between us. I liked to believe that she and I were both very much alike and headstrong. AJ spent a lot of time with them, but I had never been inside their house, not since Bruce’s death. When I’d pick AJ up, Alastair would invite me in for coffee, but I never made it past the front door. There was too much history inside that house. Too much… Bruce.
“I’m not gonna take no for an answer,” Sue said, interrupting my thoughts.
I inhaled slowly and released my trapped breath. “5 o’clock?” I asked.
“Yes. 5 o’clock,” Sue replied, and I could hear the excitement in her voice.
“I’ll see you then.”
* * *
Sue had pulled out all the stops for dinner, going above and beyond to make all of my favorites. We sat in the main dining room and enjoyed dinner while AJ told us stories about his camping trip with Luke. I tried to smile and seem as attentive as possible.
I was helping Sue with the dishes after dinner when she asked me about Luke. “How are you doing?” she asked as she took the plates from my hand and loaded them into the sink. She didn’t directly come out and say Luke’s name, but I knew she was hinting around it.
“I’m fine.” I nodded, and a smile grew on my face. “It’s weird, I think I can still smell Bruce in this house,” I said, feeling nostalgia run through my veins. I remembered back to when we hadn’t yet closed on our house and lived with Sue and Alastair for three months.
“I feel that way when I go to your house,” Sue said. I rested my hand on her shoulder and sighed. “Is everything okay? You seem a little different today.” She wiped her hands on the dish towel and turned to face me. “I hope I didn’t overstep. I know you haven’t been here since…”
“No, it’s fine.”
“I know I’m Bruce’s mother, but I want you to know that I have you in my heart as my daughter, even if I haven’t acted like that for quite some time. This house is open to you any time, to you and Luke. Just because you’re dating someone new doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to be happy.”
I swallowed back as my throat tightened. “Luke and I aren’t together anymore.” I shrugged.
“Oh, no.” Sue looked up at me, and there was genuine shock in her eyes.
“We were just on different paths,” I muttered. There was no need to let her know that Luke had been the one to cause the accident that took her son. Some truths hurt too much.
“You know,” she said placing the leftovers in the fridge, “it’s interesting how your paths crossed before.”
My eyebrows pinched together, and I turned my head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“He was the first to arrive at the scene of Bruce’s accident.”
“You knew?” I couldn’t mask the shock in my voice.
“Remember when I asked you in the hospital if you guys had been friends prior?”
I nodded, unable to form any words.
“I knew I’d seen his name somewhere, so when I came home from the hospital, I pulled up the police report, and there was Luke Dixon,” Sue paused, and an awkward silence passed between us. “It’s a shame really. I’m sure he tried to help.”
I forced a small smile onto my face. Sue had moved on from that chapter in her life; she had forgiven and let go of the pain. But mine still lived inside of me. My wound was still fresh, and maybe I just needed a little bit more time for it to heal.
26
Present
I’d been through one hell of a life in my thirty-two years. I was the youngest widow I knew. I unplugged my husband’s machine and watched him take his last breath. I’d spent hours thinking I would never hold my son again. I had experienced pain that could last anyone a lifetime, but the pain of losing Luke made it all unbearable.
My legs pushed my feet one in front of the other. My heart pounded, and my chest fluttered like a hummingbird. My mouth was dry, and I felt as if I would pass out at any second. But I needed to tell Luke. I needed to come clean with him. I needed closure.
My hands were shaky as I rang his doorbell. The few seconds I waited for him to open the door felt like an eternity.
“Steph?” His eyebrows furrowed when he saw me standing there. “Is it AJ? Is he okay?” Anxiety crept into his voice.
Slowly, I lifted a hand to stop him. “I . . . I . . . I-I love you,” I stammered and shook my head, not knowing exactly what to say next. “And I hate you. I hate you so much that I love you. I’ve been trying so hard not to feel it, but I can’t stop myself anymore. I came here because I can’t lose you, Luke. I’ve spent so much time taking what we had and what I feel for you and trying to shove it into this tiny little box. I’ve tried to pretend it doesn’t exist. Hell, I’ve even tried to shove it in a different part of my brain, but all I keep doing is thinking about how much I love you,” I cried.
He stepped forward, but I raised both hands. “It’s like I’m sick. As much as I try to stop myself, all I can think about is you. I want to talk to you and be around you all the time. And the way you are with AJ makes me love you even more.” I shook my head and he stepped closer.
“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t be who I am because I feel like a piece of me is missing. And that piece is you. I love you, Luke. I love you every second of every minute of every hour of every day. And I can’t stop.”
His lips crashed over mine. Luke coiled my body against his as he kissed me with desperation and hunger. My hands laced around his neck and I deepened our kiss. I couldn’t breathe, but never had it felt more right.
&n
bsp; “Can you forgive me?” he asked when he pulled away.
“Being with you will be a constant reminder of how I lost Bruce,” I admitted. “But not being with you the last few weeks has caused me so much pain. I’m in pain, Luke. Constant, numbing pain. A crazy pain burns deep in my gut, and I can feel it to the core. It’s a scary pain that won’t go away.”
He pressed his forehead to mine.” I’m sorry.”
“I’m in pain with a broken heart, and you’re the only one I know who can make it better. You’re the only one I know who can make this pain that consumes my body and soul go away. I know my life won’t be perfect with you because I’m not a perfect person. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last few years, it’s that I don’t want perfection.”
He kissed me softly.
“I don’t need the perfect life with the perfect house. I want a love that has its imperfections. I want to be imperfectly in love with you. I want to hate you at times and love you so much I can’t breathe. I want the good, the bad, the ugly, and the in between.” I sobbed against his lips. “I want you, Luke, so please make this pain go away.”
“Steph.” He framed my face with his hands.
“I don’t blame you for Bruce’s death. It was an accident. No one is perfect, and there’s no perfect life. But for whatever reason, I’ve been given a second chance at love, and I need to seize the moment. I know firsthand how precious love can be. How, in a blink of an eye, with one stupid argument, it can be taken away.”
“I love you,” he whispered.
“And I love you,” I cried.
Luke scooped me into his arms and brought me inside his house. Kicking the door behind him, I left every pain and heartache outside. I was honest when I said I didn’t want a perfect life with him. I wanted moments that were imperfect and real. I wanted the good, the bad, the ugly and the in-between. The imperfections that made us perfect together was truly the perfect life.
Epilogue
One Year Later
Luke
The grass was saturated from the early morning rain as I walked across the cemetery, my body moving slowly as my foot sunk deep into the ground. I said I wasn’t going to come, that there was no need to talk to him about it, but the constant nagging in the back of my head had my feet covered in mud.
The dark clouds had moved to the north, and the sun was threatening to shine on the world below. The cemetery was empty at this time in the morning, but the fewer people who saw me here, the better. After today, our lives would change as we’d known them.
After the accident, I was too mentally unstable to pay my respects at the funeral, and since I wasn’t family, the cemetery director wouldn’t give me the exact location of his burial site. It wasn’t until last Christmas, when Stephanie and AJ asked me to join them as they placed a wreath on his grave, that I paid my respects. I was hesitant at first, and the guilt that festered in me only intensified when I realized how his misfortune had made my dream come true. Stephanie was my world, and AJ was the best kid I’d ever met.
Cracking my knuckles, I lowered to the ground. Hesitantly, I moved the leaves that had fallen on the grass and cleared my throat. “Hey, man.” I swallowed back. “I’m sure I’m the last person you want visiting you, but I feel like I owe you this.”
I rested my hands on my knees and looked around. In the distance, I spotted the groundskeeper with the leaf blower in hand. He waved at me and then returned back to his job.
Focusing back on Bruce, I lowered my head. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I caused you to swerve off the road. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m truly fucking sorry. Had I known…”
My words failed me. I felt like I was going to be sick.
“AJ, he is such a great kid, and I know Stephanie is raising him to be just like you. They’re good, Bruce, happy and healthy, and I want to let you know…” I ran a nervous hand through my hair. “I want to let you know that I plan on asking Stephanie to marry me. I want you to know that I love her, and I promise you that I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving her the best way I can. I don’t plan on taking your spot—not with her, and not with AJ. You will always be a huge part of their lives, and I will continue to honor your presence. See you soon, man.”
I stood and walked away.
* * *
“He’s going to tell you that you’re going to be late,” Stephanie said as I jogged back inside our house. AJ hated being late to everything.
Discarding my running shoes at the door, I ran over and kissed her. “Five minutes,” I muttered as I kissed her cheeks.
She had forgiven me, and in turn, she had taught me how to forgive myself. It took time for us both, but together we’d found our way. There were days I still couldn’t believe it was real.
We also bought a house together. We had both decided that we needed a fresh start, so I put my place on the market, and she packed her belongings. Her house, the one her husband had built for her, we both agreed that it would be best not to sell it and leave it for AJ to have when the time was right.
It wasn’t an easy transition. She was set in her ways and had spent the last four years living on her own. She’d forgotten what it was like to share her life with another adult. We fought along the way, and she tried to leave a few times, but I refused to let her go again. She was stubborn, but I loved her. God, did I fucking love her. I knew her fears and her reservations with marriage. I had to teach her how to trust again. I had to slowly peel back the layers she had built around her heart.
“Hurry,” she said, pulling me out of my thoughts. I kissed her one last time, but this time I made sure to grab her butt in the process. I was halfway down the hallway when I heard her shout, “I don’t know whose idea it was to train for a marathon during baseball season.”
“Yours,” I retorted.
We had been training for the last three months, and the marathon was just a few weeks away. After AJ started school and we found our way back to us, we’d started running together. Then Stephanie became competitive and signed us up for a few races.
After a quick shower, I found AJ with his baseball uniform on and his arms crossed at his chest in the foyer. “Ready?” I teased. This kid hated to be late for anything.
“We’re going to be late,” he quipped.
“We have plenty of time.” I grabbed my bag and unhooked the keys.
“You’re pushing it close you know,” he whispered.
“Shh,” I said and looked back to the kitchen. “You don’t want to ruin my big plan now, do you?”
He beamed up at me and smiled. “Bye, Mom,” he hollered through the house. “See you at the game.”
A few other dads and I had volunteered to coach this season. I was the new guy to join the team, which meant I did all the work and they sat around, but I didn’t mind. I loved it, really. It only strengthened my relationship with AJ. We’d spend hours talking about baseball, and after dinner, we usually tossed the ball in the backyard before bedtime.
Now he was going to help me propose to his mom.
* * *
I was warming up with the boys when she pulled up. I watched as she walked out of her car and met with Laura at the snack table. She waved when she spotted me, and I smiled. I had planned everything, including where she would sit. All she had to do was say yes.
“Nervous?” AJ asked as he tossed the ball at me.
“Nah.” I laughed, knowing very well I was lying through my teeth.
Scott walked over to the pitcher’s mound with the microphone in his hand and cleared his throat. He tapped the microphone and looked around the bleachers. “AJ’s Mom, Ms. Stephanie,” he said into the microphone, scanning the audience until he spotted her.
Stephanie waved and stood. The other parents clapped, and I nervously watched as she pushed against the gate. Her smile was bright, and I could see the nerves building inside of them. If she only knew how terrified I was.
It was tradition that the first pitc
h was tossed by a parent on the home team. It was a tradition I had started for this reason.
I had orchestrated this plan three months early.
Scott stepped to the side, and I handed her the first ball. AJ crouched and lifted his mitt. Stephanie pulled her arm back and flung the ball with all her might. It was short and landed ten feet from AJ. The crowd cheered enthusiastically as I handed her the second ball. Unlike the last, this one curved to the right and AJ missed it. When she turned for her last ball, I dropped to my knee.
“Oh, my god,” she whispered.
The crowd roared as I reached for the microphone. “Stephanie, I’ve known for a long time that you were the woman I wanted to marry. You are beautiful, kind, and loving. It would be my honor to be your husband.” I paused and waited for AJ to hand me the ring. Holding it between two fingers, I lifted it up to her. “Will you marry me?”
She covered her mouth with her hands and nodded. “Yes. Of course—”
Before she was finished with her sentence, I was up on my feet and crashing my lips on to hers. “I love you,” I muttered into her hair as I hugged her.
“And I you.”
* * *
Stephanie
Ten months later
The scent of fresh flowers had always brought me back to Bruce’s funeral. For a long time after Bruce passed, I couldn’t have them near me because they would make my stomach turn and the unwanted memories would flood into my mind. But after much time, and even more healing, I’d been able to appreciate the true beauty in a plant that absorbs its nutrients from the earth and sun to bloom its most beautiful creation.
My fingers ran along the soft petals of the cream rose that was sitting neatly next to a beautiful blooming hydrangea. The centerpieces were beautiful, breathtaking, and yet small enough not to overpower the wedding. When Bruce and I got married, we were young and in a rush. Luke was perfectly happy going to city hall to make it official, but I wanted to be surrounded by the people I loved most in the world.
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