by Hubert Selby
It wasnt yet three oclock and Sara was taking her orange evening pill and following it with a cup of coffee. She had watched the mailman walk up the street and he just nodded his head and went into the building. Sara followed, watched him put the mail in the boxes, stared at the emptiness of hers for many seconds before he left, then went into her apartment. She automatically made a pot of coffee then took her dinner time pill and sat at the kitchen table watching the new television her son Harry gave her. From time to time she looked at the clock. A little before three she was thinking it was almost dinner time. She took the orange pill and drank some more coffee. She made another pot. She sat. She thought. About the television. The show. About how she felt. Something was wrong. Her jaw hurt. Her mouth felt funny. She couldnt figure. It tasted like old socks. Dry. Sickening. Her stomach. O, her stomach. Such a mess. Like theres something moving. Like theres a voice in there saying look out, LOOK OUT!!!! Theyll get you. She looked over her shoulder again. Nobody. Nothing. LOOK OUT! Who’s getting? Whats to get? The voice kept rumbling in her stomach. Before when it started she took more coffee or another pill and it went away, now its just there. All the time. And that nasty coating in her mouth, like old paste, it used to go away, or something. It didnt bother her. Now, ech. And all the time the trembles in the arms and legs. Everywhere. Little things under the skin. If she knew what show it would go away. Thats all she needed. To know. She finished her coffee and waited, trying to think those good feelings back into her body, her head… but nothing. Paste and old socks in the mouth. Squirming under the skin. The voice in the stomach. LOOK OUT! She stared at the television, enjoying the show, and all of a sudden, LOOK OUT! Another cup of coffee and she felt worse. Her teeth felt like theyre going to snap. She called the McDick Corp., asking for Lyle Russel. Who? Lyle Russel. Im sorry, but I dont have his name listed on my directory. What was it in reference to? The television. What television? I dont know. I want to find out. Just a moment please. The operator took another call and Sara listened carefully to the silence. What show did you say that was? I dont know dolly.
He called me and said I was going on a show and— Just a minute. I/ll connect you with the programs department. Sara waited as the phone somewhere rang and rang, until a voice asked her if she could help her. I want Lyle Russel. Lyle Russel? I dont think we have anyone here by that name. Are you sure you have the right number? The operator connected me. Well, what was this in reference to? Hes putting me on a show. A show? What show? — LOOK OUT! — Sara could feel sweat sliding down somewhere. I dont know. Hes supposed to tell me. Im afraid I dont understand, the impatience in her voice was obvious, If you cant tell me— He called me and said Im going to be a contestant and he sent me papers. I sent them back a month already and I still dont know— O, I understand. Just a moment, I/ll transfer you to the proper department. She clicked the phone, and clicked and clicked, O, come on, and clicked some more as Sara clung to the phone and wiped the sweat from her face, Can I help you? Transfer this call to contestant clearing please. One moment please. Again Sara listened to a phone ringing, her eyes rolling around in her head the sweating and squirming getting worse, her mouth almost stuck together with that old paste, Can I help you? Sara couldnt talk. Hello? The sweat burned her eyes and eventually she pried her lips apart and a shock of terror trembled through her body as she anticipated the response when she asked for Lyle Russel. Who? Sara started to sink into her chair. She thought she would come out through the bottom. She thought she was dying and—LOOK OUT! — she twisted around and looked from one end of the room to the other as she repeated the name. Are you sure you have the right department? Theyre sending me here. The agony was unbearable. If only she had another cup of coffee. With intense will she unglued her mouth and told her story again to the voice on the other end, somewhere, of the phone. O, yes. Finally! Finally! Recognition. Sara almost melted away with relief. He must have been one of our phone solicitors. We have so many you know. Can I help you? I want to know what show and maybe when Im— Can I have your name and address please? Sara slowly and carefully spelled her name and address, the shiksa on the other end not understanding English too well. Finally her name and address were written. I/ll check this Mrs. Goldfarb and we/ll be in touch with you. Thank you for calling. Click. Sara was still talking into the phone many seconds after the click had drifted away and mingled with the voices from her television set. She looked at the phone, the sweat almost feeling like tears. Theyll get in touch, she shook her head, theyll get—LOOK OUT!!!!
Tyrone laughed, Ahm glad ah dont have no one laying any a that kind of heavy motha shit on my jim. You honkys is too much with that guilt shit. Krist, you aint kiddin man. I dont know what it is, but I try to do the right thing with the old lady, but… and Harry shrugged… but she always comes on with that Jewish mother shit. Sheeit, it aint just you jews jim, its all you honkys. You guys dont get that shit, eh? Sheeit. Moms liable to get upside your haid, but she aint about to beat her breast, uh uh. She beat your ass instead. You know, I sometimes think we/d be better off without mothers. Maybe Freud was right. Ah dont know man. Mah moms died when ah was about eight, but ah remember she was one groovy woman. She have seven kids jim an she was like one of those movie mammys, all big like an all the time singin and smilin. She have a big chest like this and she used to cuddle me jim an ah remember how good it felt in there an how sweet she smell. Seven kids man an she never hit nobody. She just love us all up and down… an everybody love her. An she be a singing fool. Ah mean all day an night she be singing those gospel songs so it make you believe heaven jus aroun the corner. You know, she sing an it make you feel good all ovuh, jus like dope. Harry laughed then chuckled, A regular Mahalia Jackson, eh? O she be somethin else jim. Yeah, I guess it was pretty cool in my house when I was a kid. I mean the moms was still alive and it seemed like everything was groovy. You know, like going places an doin things and sort of having fun in the house. Then the moms died an… Tyrone shrugged… Whatever happened to your old man? Sheeit, he done split a long time before the moms die. He probly still out there doin his own thang. When moms die we all sent to different peoples. Ah went to mah auntie in Harlem an we live there for a while. She your mothers sister? Yeah, but she be a lot different jim. But nice. She dont do no singin an she like to lay a stick on your ass, but she always see we get a sugar tit when we got home from school. Sugar tit? What the fucks that? What that? You mean you doan know what a sugar tit? I know what some sweet pussy is man, but a sugar tit beats the shit outta me. They were laughing and Tyrone shook his head, A sugar tit is some butter and sugar stuck in some cheese cloth and you suck on it like a tit. O, is that what they call that? Damn, you sure is one ignorant son of a bitch… She a nice lady ol auntie… but ol moms was somethin else, she really somethin else. Harrys eyes were closed and he was leanin back remembering how his mother always protected him from the cold wind in the winter when he was a kid, and how warm she felt when he got in the house and she hugged the cold out of his ears and cheeks and always had a bowl of hot soup waiting… Yeah, I guess the old lady was pretty groovy too. I guess its a bitch being alone like that. Harry Goldfarb and Tyrone C. Love sat loosely in their chairs, their eyes half closed, feeling the warmth of fond memories and heroin flowing through them as they got ready for another nights work.
One thing Tyrone loved was fine silk shirts. Damn! he sure did love the way they feel so smooth an fine, just like his old ladys ass, and she be an out of sight fox jim, ah mean somethin kinda fine. He had a couple dozen or so shirts hanging in his closet, various styles and various colors, all kinds of colors. He liked to stroke his shirts just like he liked to stroke Alice, an sometimes he just stood in front of the closet and dug all them fine shirts jim. Damn! he even liked that closet. It had two big sliding doors and the whole front was a mirror, one big ass mirror jim. Sometimes he would just slide the doors back and forth getting his rocks off. What you doin honey? Why dontcha come back to baid? Sheeit, plenty time for that baby, I got me a big ass toy
that ahm groovin behin. Ah remember seein a movie once when I was a kid an this dude have him a big ass closet like this with sliding doors and the whole thang was filled with suits an behind them was a secret passage. It was a gasser. What he need a secret passage for? Ah doan remember, ah just remember the closet. Tyrone closed the doors and looked in the mirror, seeing his fox behind him, and he smiled at her. When Tyrone first came to look at the apartment he fell in love with the closets in the bedroom and they made up his mind for him. It was one of the first things the super showed him. Them doors is ten feet wide and all mirror. The closets about twelve feet I think. Both ofem. One on each side a the room. Ya put a bed in between and you got yaself a good show, and he laughed and winked and poked Tyrone in the arm, harharhar. Tyrone was naked and stood by the side of the bed rubbing his stomach, Yes sir, mah names Tyrone C. Love and thas what ah am, and Alice started to giggle when he jumped, kapoing, in the bed. Doan do that Tyrone, you scare me to deth. O little momma, ah wouldnt wan to scare you, rubbing her neck and shoulder, gently, so soothingly, ah doan wan to scare nobody, especially the finest fox that ever did live, and Alice started to squirm slightly as he kissed her on the neck and then she held him close to her as he kissed her throat and then her breasts as he caressed her things with his hand and she grabbed his head and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and hugged and squeezed and squirmed and sighed and moaned as Tyrone C. Love made her feel so good and so special with his lovemaking and when he finished and was lying on his back she just sort of vibrated all over for a second and squealed, Oooooooooooooo, then quickly rolled over on her side and hugged and kissed until they both lay quietly and peacefully, arms around each other, Tyrone on his back, Alice, his lady, on her side, her face nuzzled so warmly in his shoulder, feeling a peace and contentment and excitement neither had ever known before, with or without heroin. From time to time Tyrone would open his eyes, slightly, to reassure himself that this was real and that he was lying on this bed, in this room, with this woman, and then he would sigh deeply within himself and feel her smoothness and warmth next to him and the peace and contentment within him. He allowed his head to roll slowly to the side and he kissed his Alice on the forehead and stroked her head, You is really here, and she squeezed him and nuzzled harder against his shoulder and he could feel her breath on his arm and he somehow felt and sensed that life in her that was now a part of him, and that he wanted to be a part of, and take care of. He wanted to keep her in his arms all nice and safe an they would just sort of be cool and laugh and have a ball an there would be no hassles.
* * *
The honeymoon was over. The dynamite was gone. Brody told Tyrone he didnt know exactly what happen, but it probly got somethin to do with those dudes they foun in the garbage cans. You mean those dudes with their throats cut and the signs, Keep our city clean? Yeah, Brody was nodding his head and they both chuckled. Sheeit baby, if they fuck up that dynamite scag it aint nothin to laugh at. Brody continued to nod his head for a moment, Right on, brother, but the way I heard it they fuck with the wrong people. They ripped off a couple a keys from the Jefferson brothers and wanted to make it quick so they put out that dynamite. But the Jeffersons burned their asses? Brody chuckled, Who else do that? Aint nobody fuck with the Jefferson brothers baby… an git away with it. Tyrone rubbed his head, back and forth and around. How this stuff? Just like it used to be? You caint do no moe than cut it in haf if you wants to put anything in the bag. Tyrone just shrugged and took the stuff back to his old pad where Harry was waiting for him. Before they did anything else they dumped some in the cooker as usual, and got off. They looked at each other as they booted a few times, waiting for that flash. It never quite happened. There was a hint of a flash, but it didnt rush them like they were used to. Sheeit, that mutha fucka werent kiddin when he say this aint no dynamite. You aint kiddin man. We/d better cook up some more. That taste was a drag. They dumped more in the cooker and got off again and this time it was a little better, at least good enough for them to feel it in their gut and on their eyelids. They looked at each other and shrugged. Lookit all the money we save on milk sugar, Harry laughed and Tyrone giggled. We/s doin alright anyways. We still be makin some bucks.
By the time they used what they wanted there was a lot less left to be sold now, and they didnt make a hell of a lot more than expenses, but that was no big deal, they had some bread stashed and pretty soon they should be able to score for weight, and score some dynamite again, and soon theyd be able to get their shit together and get that pound of pure.
Sara got easily into the red dress now, but still she didnt know what show she would be on. She. called two times every week, but she always got the same answer, that they were processing her application and she would be notified. Now when she called and left a message the girl simply nodded her head at the phone while looking at the others around her and smiled. Its her again, eh? The girl nodded and had to make a strong effort not to laugh. Sara always stared at the phone for many minutes after she hung up, then went into the kitchen and made another pot of coffee. She was saving money on food, she was eating so little, but she was spending it on coffee. And the price of coffee today, ahhhh. She tried, from time to time, to go back to tea, but somehow it left her with a vague yearning in her stomach, a vague dissatisfaction, that only coffee satisfied. But the coffee no longer satisfied the real need the way it had, but it left less of a yearning than the tea. She felt constantly uneasy, which was bad enough, but what made it even worse was the fact that she didnt know why. Something was wrong but she didnt know what. All the time she felt like something terrible was about to happen. And sometimes she felt like crying. And not like before when she felt sad when she thought about Seymour or Harry, her boobala, and felt so lonely. Now she/d be sitting and watching the television and start to cry—LOOK OUT! — her heart rolled over and caught in her throat—and she didn’t know why. When she called about her show she almost wanted to cry. She wanted to tell the girl how important it was, but her head was all confused. If she could tell her already the names of the shows they got people for she could have something, but the girl told her that that was confidential information and held her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone as she giggled and winked at the girl at the next desk. Sara spun the dial on her TV set and tried to watch as much as possible of all the quiz shows, but somehow she couldnt sit still long enough to really watch them and find out what they were like and watch her image walk across the stage. A couple of times she managed to get herself started across the stage from the far corner, but it seemed like all her energy went into keeping the dress red and the shoes gold so that the entire image faded almost immediately and she ended up just sitting in her viewing chair looking at something but she wasnt there. She wasnt in the show. She tried to sit for a whole show, but couldnt. She got up and poured another cup of coffee, or stood over the stove while she made a fresh pot, vague thoughts going through her head that some more pills would make it better. She started taking the purple, red and orange pills all at once in the morning, and that made it better for a while and she got her house cleaned in no time at all and was ready to go out and get some sun, but by noon her body was crawling and knotting and—LOOK OUT! — and she kept waiting for a car to come up on the sidewalk, crashing through all the parked cars, and hit her; or maybe something is falling off the roof, or… She didnt know, she didnt know, but something bad. She couldnt sit. She got up and the ladies laughed and kidded her, Antsy pants Sara, and she walked around thinking thin and zophtic, and even when Ada touched up her hair every couple of weeks she could hardly sit still and kept bouncing up, not knowing ahead of time that she was going to, and Ada pushed her down, If you want red hair you got to sit still already. She was losing, she was losing. The dress fit nice. No stuffing. No huffing. She was losing. She should be happy. The red dress fits, her hair is like Rita Hayworth, her gold shoes sparkle and she was going to be on the television, a dream, a dream, and she should be happy, she should be happy!!!!
New York was no longer a summer festival and Harry and Tyrone were hit with a cold shot… Brody couldnt score any more uncut weight. What! Thas right. He can get weight, but its been cut. Shit man… what happened? Tyrone shrugged and rubbed his head with the palm of his hand, Brody say it look like somebody trying to stretch out their dope. Stretch it out? Tyrone was still nodding, An if Brody caint get no uncut weight aint no body gettin it. Harry was staring at the package on the table, We cant do any more than pay for our own stuff this way. Well, why doan we just stop using???? They stared at each other for a moment, the implication of Tyrones question slowly, through much resistance, sinking in and registering. Harry shrugged, Yeah, I guess we/d better. But I guess we may just as well get off now an cool it tomorrow. Yeah, baggin this shit without a tase is a draig. Harry chuckled, Looks like we/re gonna end up with a supply of milk sugar. Thas okay baby, someday we be gettin us that pound of pure an we be needin it than.
Marion and Alice were all for not using and so all went to sleep that night with a grim resolve. They got up about noon, smoked a joint with their coffee, feeling good about the fact that they werent giving any thought to, not using, and sat around for a while, watched a little television, talked about maybe eating something, but not really feeling like it, then sort of moped around thinking and talking about the various things that should be done that day and making plans for doing them, then watched a little more TV, and more coffee, and more grass, spending much of the time dabbing at their running eyes and noses, and by three oclock they realized they were making a big deal out of nothing, that if they really wanted to stop using they certainly could, they were proving that right then, but it was stupid to panic and to think the world was coming to an end just because they couldnt score for any uncut weight right now, so they got back into the spoon. Their noses and eyes cleared up and they listened to music as they ate.
