by Lexie Ray
“And that’s how I got involved with the mob,” I said. “I thought it was a good idea at the time. I got them to agree to help me finance the place, cut them in on some of my earnings, offered them little perks. In turn, they gave me the building, helped me buy what I needed to refurbish, and pushed some prostitutes my way. It was a business venture fueled by liquor and greed. I told myself, especially when I was good and drunk, that I was doing this to make a life for my son. But the only one who was benefiting from my business was myself. I only sent money when I could remember, and that wasn’t very often.”
The first few years had been insanity. I was drinking hard and turning tricks about as often as my prostitutes. I was hardly a pimp—just an elevated trick. I got a couple of bartenders to serve drinks and even got the place a liquor license so I could at least look legit if anybody came looking. I found street performers at first and promised them a cut of the tips if they came and played for the crowd. When we started really turning a profit, I hired professional entertainers—dancers, bands, DJs, and the like. When I could afford it, I had the kitchen redone. I could hire cooks now and sell food. There were a few legal hoops and paper work to work through, but I managed. The nightclub began to thrive as a nightspot—good food, good drinks, and pretty girls.
“Everything was looking really good,” I said. “The business was going well, and I culled the girls into a contingency I could trust. I stopped whoring so much—never stopped drinking—and started managing a real business. It was around that time that I got a call from child services wondering why I wasn’t taking care of my son. Apparently, the prostitute I’d left him with had gotten tired of him and called the authorities on me. I told them—I told them—”
I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say this aloud, not to anyone. I didn’t care if I was part of this strange sisterhood of AA. I couldn’t tell anyone about this. This was the root of everything.
In the crowd of inmates, Karla raised her hand and I nodded at her, unable to speak.
“I want to take this chance to remind everyone that this is a safe environment,” she said. “Everything that is said here stays here. We don’t judge one another. We’re here as a support system. We want to help one another work through the twelve steps and stay sober. You can share whatever you think is necessary to your recovery, Wanda. We’re here for you.”
“Amen!”
Even from up here, I couldn’t pick out the “amen” inmate out from the sea of faces in front of me. I took a deep breath.
“I had given birth to my son, and I knew that he was my own flesh and blood,” I said slowly. “At the point of the phone call from child services, he was already eight or nine. I didn’t know my own son’s age. I’d been too busy drinking and earning money to so much as think about him. But when child services called me, I told them that I was too busy to raise him and to put him in the system.”
My lips trembled at my admission and I couldn’t bring myself to look at my fellow inmates. They would hate me for sure. I’d be cast out. I was a monster.
“I’m a monster,” I said. “I turned my back on my own son. I convinced myself that the nightclub was so much more important, that it was what was going to help me rise to the top. I didn’t know what kind of top I was shooting for. I didn’t know how far I could go with the prostitution business. But I was willing to try—and wasn’t willing to let a kid get in the way. I had no desire to even see him, let alone raise him. He—he knew that I rejected him. He probably suffered through hell because of me in the system, raised by absolute strangers. God only knows what happened to him growing up.”
I forced myself to look up. I needed to be punished. I wanted to see the hatred and disgust on my fellow alcoholics’ faces, but all I saw was sympathy. Understanding. Acceptance.
“I haven’t seen him since I left him that day with the prostitute I barely knew,” I said. “I probably couldn’t pick him out from a police lineup. I know that I didn’t give a shit back then. I was too focused on alcohol and on money. But now, it is my biggest regret just discarding him so casually. Nobody deserves that. I’m a—I’m a fucking monster. He hates me, and he has every right to do so.
“I was a terrible mother. I was in no way ready to have a child as young as I did, and even as I grew older, I still didn’t want him. Now that I do want him, that I do care about him, he doesn’t want anything to do with me. You know what? I don’t blame him. I don’t want anything to do with myself. If I could open my skin up and crawl out of it and be someone else, I’d jump at the chance. I swear to God I’d do it.”
The tears came hot from my eyes, scorching their way down my cheeks like they were brimstone. I’d fucked everything up in my life, and I could hardly blame alcohol. I laughed and pawed at my eyes.
“What’s funny, Wanda?” Karla asked softly. “What’s funny when you’re so shattered?”
“I’m laughing because me abandoning my son was shitty, but it’s not like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done,” I said, shaking my head, the tears trailing down to my chin, slipping down my neck. “I’m just a bad person. I don’t see how I’m going to get through this.”
The applause started slowly, then began to pick up. Stunned, I looked up and out over the crowd of inmates. Why were they clapping? Surely it couldn’t be for me, could it?
Karla crossed to the podium, beaming.
“I think we’ve had a real breakthrough today, Wanda,” she said. “Would you lead us in the Serenity Prayer?”
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,” we all recited. I realized with no small degree of guilt that I’d eaten up all the sharing time with my story that wasn’t even half told.
“Wanda, that was amazing,” Marlee said, grabbing my hand as I walked toward the back of the room, in a daze.
“Amazing?” I asked. “I don’t know if I would use that word to describe it.”
“Don’t be silly,” Marlee said, hooking an arm with mine and marching us off to the cafeteria. “It was amazing that you shared all of that with us. When you can pinpoint a reason for your drinking and take stock of yourself, never being anything less than honest with yourself and the people around you, that’s amazing.”
“I just wish that I could talk to my son again,” I said. “I’d have a lot to say to him. I don’t know if he’d listen, but I’d have a lot to say. I have his number. I just don’t have the courage.”
“Let’s go after dinner,” Marlee said. “Wait for me to get everything squared away for cleanup and I’ll go with you.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I called him once before, when his wife figured out I existed and sent me a wedding invitation, but it didn’t go well at all.”
“How long ago was it?” my cellmate asked.
“Five years, maybe,” I said. “It’s hard to tell.”
Marlee nodded. “Alcohol’s hell on memory,” she said. “Memory and time. Those leave us so easily.”
I ate dinner feeling strangely light. It helped that Marlee had planned some sort of delicious pasta with real sauce made from scratch. She confided that it was a family recipe, except that she had to double the recipe practically a hundred times.
I helped the kitchen crew clean up even if it wasn’t my responsibility. I just needed something to keep my mind occupied, to keep it from dwelling on the possibilities of calling my son now. I couldn’t even consider the idea of rejection. It would ruin me. Instead, I focused on wiping down tables.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Marlee said, snagging the rag from my hand as I polished the metal at the buffet line.
“I just wanted to keep busy,” I said.
“Are you ready to make the call?”
“I don’t think I ever will be,” I said. “I can’t—he hates me, sugar. It’s plain and simple there. He has every right to and I just have to accept that.”
“Wanda, you did a hell of
a job tonight at the meeting,” Marlee said. “You admitted that you were powerless when it came to alcohol, and it takes a lot to even realize that about yourself. You’re making a fucking fearless personal inventory. I can’t wait for next week.”
“I might not get to share again next week,” I said. “I felt bad because I took all the sharing time today. I can’t believe Karla let me do that.”
“You’re the first new attendee in almost a year,” Marlee said. “Believe me. Karla will let you share until we’ve heard your story five times, at least. Everyone else has heard everyone else’s story probably fifty or a hundred times. It doesn’t make them any less compelling—don’t get me wrong. We’re gleaning new insights every day. But a fresh story leads us to fresh insights, to places we’d forgotten about. It challenges us to think of new possibilities and encourages us to support a new person in our midst. You’re doing us a favor, Wanda, by sharing your story.”
“I’m glad someone’s getting something out of it,” I said, smiling wanly as we walked to the bank of pay phones.
“All I’m saying is that you don’t have to rush through the steps,” Marlee said. “You’ve made great progress. When you call your son, it doesn’t have to be anything other than checking in, seeing how he’s doing, telling him how you’re doing. You don’t have to talk about anything serious right now. That part comes later. Just touch base.”
“Okay,” I said. We reached the phones and I realized that I was more nervous than I’d ever been in my life. I’d never really had any anxiety over the trial. My lawyer had told me more or less what I could expect—despite his legal abilities and support. But this was different. This was my son, whom I hadn’t talked to in years. He’d been pretty unpleasant the last time I’d talked to him, but I could hope, couldn’t I? Maybe he was ready to have his mother in his life again. I could be that for him. I really thought I could.
“The phone doesn’t dial itself,” Marlee said, smiling.
I slipped my change in and dialed the number that Pitt had given me. The slip of paper was already worn from the sweat of my hand, but I resolved to write it down in a notebook I kept for GED class. No—I’d memorize it. That was the best thing I could do.
The phone rang and rang, but someone finally picked up.
“Hello?” It was a female voice—Jules, my daughter-in-law.
“Hi, Jules,” I said. “It’s Mama.”
There was a very minute pause before a gasp of recognition. “Oh my God,” she said. “Mama. It’s been way too long. How are you doing?”
“Well….” I tried to take stock of myself. I’d been sober for longer than I ever had. I wasn’t doing anything illegal. I was ready to do right in my life.
“I’m doing pretty well, sugar,” I said. “How about you?”
“I’m great, Mama,” she said. “Thanks for asking. We, um, we saw you on the news and stuff.”
My heart sank a little bit. “I was kind of wondering if you had. I’m calling from prison, you know.”
“Yes, I figured,” she said. “There was a little message telling me when I answered the phone. I guess they do that to warn you before you commit to talking to a prisoner.” She laughed lightly. “Are you doing okay there? Is there anything you need?”
“They’ve got about all I need in here,” I said. “I didn’t need anything specific. I just wanted to hear some friendly voices. Is Marshall there? I’d like to talk to him. Just—just, check in.”
Beside me, Marlee gave me a nod of encouragement.
Jules paused. “He’s here,” she said after a beat, “but I don’t know if it’s such a good idea that you talk to him. He pretended not to follow the trial, but I know that he did. It hurt him, Mama. He’s just been through a lot.”
“I understand that,” I said. “I certainly do, sugar. Would you give him a message for me, if you think he won’t talk to me?”
“Of course, Mama.”
“Would you tell him that I’m thinking about him?” I asked. “That I love him? That I’m sorry?”
“I’ll tell him that,” Jules said.
There was a brief rustling sound before a male voice spoke.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Marshall,” I said, smiling. Marlee gave me thumbs up. “It’s Mama. How you doing, sugar?”
“Don’t call here again.”
The dial tone sounded, and I listened to it for a full minute. When Marlee realized that the call was over, she took the phone from me and hung it back up in its cradle.
“You’ve made initial contact, Wanda,” she said. “That’s good. That’s all that matters. Now, just be persistent. You being in his life—that’s a new thing for your son. You just have to keep trying —”
“Marlee.”
“Yes?”
“I just want to be alone.”
“I’ll take you back to the cell,” she said. “I’ll give you the time you need, but I’ll be close by.”
We walked away from the phones, and it felt like my world was ending. How many times had I felt like that? I knew that it was only fair, that I was being punished for everything wrong I’d committed. I deserved all this. My son had every right to reject me, just as I’d rejected him when he was young. Nobody wanted a relative in prison, clinging to the outside world. I’d just remind him of my failings.
I was only vaguely aware that I was lying down on my bed in the cell. Maybe I shouldn’t call anymore. If I only caused pain to Marshall, I didn’t want to call anymore. Jules had been nice enough, though. I wondered how long she’d tolerate me for before she told me to stop calling.
Maybe I just needed to slip away, become forgotten. I was a problem for so many people that it seemed like the right thing to do. Johnny French wanted me forgotten, that was evident. And I’m sure Don Costa was feeling a little twitchy, wondering if I might be mulling the idea of giving the authorities a little information on him and the Costa mob in order to try to lighten my sentence.
And then there was my son, who wanted nothing to do with me. That was all right. I understood. He was ashamed of me. He hated me. He hated that I existed. It would be easier if I just slipped away. It would be easier if he didn’t have a mother. He’d gone without one for so long that maybe it’d make him happier if I didn’t exist. Then, there would be no sting of rejection, no knowledge that I’d given him up for booze and money and a dream.
The edge of my bed sank and Marlee laid her hand on my back.
“Marlee, I don’t think I’m—”
“It’s Tama, sexy.”
I jerked up with a speed I hadn’t known I’d had and scowled. It had been half a goddamn year. Had Tama really been willing to bide her time that long, waiting for the opportunity to present itself? More impressive still, had I really managed to keep a security detail around me at all times for the last six months?
“Get out of here,” I said. “It’s going to be lights out soon and my cellmate will be back.”
“There was something in the kitchen that needed seeing to,” Tama said coolly. “Your cellmate will be back late. It’s just us, baby.”
She slipped her hand up my thigh, squeezing gently. Even though it’d been months and months since I’d had any other human physical contact like this, I was repulsed. I didn’t want her. I was sick of the specter of her haunting me at my every turn. I wanted to just move on and not have to worry about this anymore.
“I’ve heard I’m your type,” I said, scooting away from her.
“Hell, yeah.”
“You’re not mine,” I said. “I like my lovers with cocks.”
Tama laughed. “You’re going to think I have a cock once I’m through with you,” she said. “What’s the matter? You never have a woman before?”
“I’ve had women before,” I said. “And you’re not one. You’re subhuman. You don’t take no for an answer.”
Tama’s face darkened. “You’re gonna make me mad and I’m not going to be as nice to you,” she warned.
�
��I don’t want you to be anything to me,” I said. “And I don’t want to be anything to anybody. Tell me. Do you have a child? Anyone on the outside?”
She wrinkled her nose. “No. This your idea of foreplay?”
“This is me telling you that you have no idea what real rejection is like,” I said. “I think you could use the lesson. See, if you got used to being rejected, maybe you wouldn’t pursue people who didn’t want to be pursued. Maybe you’d lay off instead of hounding girls who don’t want to spread their legs for you. Let this be your first lesson in the word ‘no,’ Tama. You’re a problem in here. Nobody likes you. You scare girls into sleeping with you. If that’s your way of looking for affection, you’re doing it all wrong.”
“I’m just looking to fuck,” Tama said. “That’s all.”
“Then look for a willing partner,” I said. “I’m not her. Have you ever had a willing partner in here?”
“There are plenty of girls willing to take me into their beds,” she said. “I’m not interested in them. I’m interested in you.”
“I’m interested in you getting the fuck up out of my life,” I said, standing as my voice grew louder. “I’m interested in you stopping your pursuit of me. I’m interested in you getting the hell out of my cell.”
“I’ve got hooch,” Tama said, standing up, too. “And I know you want that. You can’t lie to me, now. I saw how much you wanted it that day in the commissary.”
“That day was half a year ago,” I said. “I don’t want it. I don’t want it at all. I’m in AA, now. I’m in the middle of turning my life around and I don’t want some moldy-ass prison-brewed bag of shit ruining that for me. You don’t have a goddamn thing that I’m interested in. Get out of here. Find someone else.”
I braced myself for a fight, but Tama just gave me a look that fell somewhere on the spectrum between hurt and bewildered and left.
Well. Hopefully, that solved that. Maybe now I could actually walk by myself to and from places in the prison. With a start, I realized how much I’d come to enjoy my little security detail. It was like being surrounded by friends at all times.
