I choke on my olive. “What!”
Jenna goes on. “Yeah, girl. It’s legit. Don’t worry. I tested it out a few times to make sure. Lots of dick on it. Some great, some not so great dick, but dick. Lots of dick.” Jenna snatches my phone and slaps the screen with her long nails. “There! I downloaded it and signed in.” She points the phone toward me, and my head jolts back in confusion.
FitItIn?
“How…how do I already have twelve reviews?”
Jenna shrugs. “Like I said, I tested it out for you. You needed some sex reviews so people don’t think you’re bad in bed…or a serial killer. Now, you just have to go on the app, swipe left or right, pick a guy, and have him clean out the crawl space.”
“Crawl space?”
“Yeah, your lonely vagina. I’m sure it needs a good cleaning. I can send you to my wax guy. He does amazing work.”
Jesus. Maybe tripping would have been better. “I don’t know about this. I can’t really just have sex with someone without building a relationship first.”
“Oh yeah? And how did that work out for you? Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to rub the salt in, but, girl, we’re just looking out for you. We want you to be happy. And you sitting around rearranging your book collection is not going to do it. Trust me. Although…I wouldn’t mind a man doing some of the things in those books.” I do own a ridiculous amount of top-notch romance novels from some of the best authors in the world. “Last girl’s night, I started reading Bad Daddy. Holy hell, sign me up.” Jenna holds her hand up to her face and repeatedly jabs her tongue to the side of her mouth. Sick.
“Ew! Stop!” Deanna pipes in. “You probably did that before you came to dinner.”
Jenna shrugs. Double ew. “Maybe. Not the point. It’s about Mel tonight.”
Deanna extends her hand to cover mine, her eyes filled with sympathy. “Girl, I know this is out of your comfort zone, but I feel like you need this. Like a reboot.”
“Reboot?” I laugh. “I’m not a computer. You can’t just control, alt, delete, and make my life all rainbows and butterflies.”
“We’re not!” Jenna boasts. “We’re going to control, alt, bang! So, let’s drink up and find you a guy to bang!”
Chapter 3
Ctrl+Alt+Bang
Melanie
* * *
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Yes, I can. With my friends? Yes. I. Can.
My eyes start to burn after scrolling through so many profiles. And holy options! There were big ones and small ones. Some for sure fake ones. I couldn’t believe this site was even legal! But talk about having to go through a lot of frogs to find a prince.
“How about that one?” Jenna points. “He’s hot, and his tight pants show he’s well endowed.” She is about to fall out of her chair to get a better look at the current prospect. “I mean…come on, cop suit? Total swipe material.”
“Are you kidding me, read his bio! Have you ever said, ‘Fuck the police’? Now’s your chance.” Jenna busts out laughing and falls over onto the ground.
“I mean, I’ve always fantasized about being tied up,” Deanna chimes in, her cheeks overly flushed. Maybe we should consider cutting her off soon.
“Yeah, right, Dee.” Jenna snorts. “You know you were more than tied up in Canc—”
“Don’t say it!”
I shake my head and swipe left. Sorry, Mr. Officer, you’re concealing more than just a large gun.
“Dude! You swiped the wrong way! He was perfect! Three miles away!”
“I need a starter dick! That guy might break me in two! I’m looking for someone more on the smaller side for practice.”
Jenna huffs and throws herself back in her seat, waving down our waiter, who can’t wait until we leave. I move on to the next guy. He’s pretty cute. Nothing crazy, but he has a nice smile. His bio reads: Will do anything for alcoholic shots. And I mean anything. Swipe left.
Next: Don’t worry, it’ll fit.
Swipe left.
Next: Girls who swallow only, please.
Jesus! Swipe left.
Next: I don’t care at this point if you’re a serial killer…
SWIPE LEFT!
Next, next, next.
“This is hopeless. I have a better chance of finding a guy at a—”
“Don’t say funeral.” Jenna shakes her head, shoving an olive into her mouth.
“What! Why would I go to a funeral to find a guy?” Ew! “Jenna!” My nose scrunches.
“What? I was at a stoplight and saw this cute guy walk into a funeral home. I don’t discriminate.”
Jesus.
I sigh heavily. “Look, I know you guys are just trying to help me, but seriously, I’m good.” I stand up and sway a bit to the right. Whoa, maybe I’m not in any better shape than Deanna.
“Whoa, where you going?” Jenna whines.
“I’m tired. Should probably call it a night.” After a dramatic whine from Jenna, we pay our bill, and our waiter sighs in relief. Jenna, of course, can’t help herself and squeezes his ass on the way out. We’re probably being banned from ever eating there again as we speak.
As much as I have zero interest in finding a guy this way, I can’t help my curiosity. I mean, these guys are ridiculous! I swipe another one, reading his bio. “You have got to be kidding me! This guy’s profile pic is literally his di—shit!” I drop my phone as I run into a wall. I lift my hand to my nose because I may have broken it. When my eyes level out, I realize it wasn’t a wall at all.
Well hello there…
Tall, dark, absolutely delightful, hopefully single. Why are my eyes trailing down his tight shirt and not stopping until they check out his—
“See something you like, baby?”
And nope.
Ew.
My gaze shoots up, ignoring his toned biceps, tanned skin, and Adam’s apple I’d lick, given a chance. No—I’d actually start with those plump lips. Shit, I’d lick his nose. Damn, he is hot. How do I swipe right—
“Earth to stalker. You gonna keep staring at me or move out of my way?”
—I mean left. Asshole! “Yeah, I’m not checking you out.”
“I didn’t say you were. But since you just did, I agree, you were checking me out.”
“I was not!” I was until he opened his mouth.
“Sweet cheeks, you look like you need a dessert, and I’m a walking ice cream cone.” He laughs along with his buddies behind him, and it lights a fire inside me. His laugh is deep and lovely, and I have to remind myself he’s being a total jerk. I don’t have time for jerks.
“For starters, I prefer salt over sugar. Second, I don’t pick up jerks in restaurants—especially not condescending ones. But feel free to pretend you’re wanted. Make your tiny dick feel better about itself. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” I look down, mortified to see my phone landed screen up. A nice, big ol’ dick staring back at me. I reach down to snag it, but he’s faster.
Shit!
“Hey! Give me that back!”
He doesn’t. Go figure because who wouldn’t take an interest in a stranger’s phone with a huge penis winking up at you. “Wow,” he starts. I reach for my phone, but he pulls it away and begins to tap on my screen. “You don’t pick up guys in restaurants, huh?” he laughs, continuing to inspect my profile.
“It’s not what you think,” I grumble, my cheeks close to melting from embarrassment.
“Really? ’Cause...MagicMike25 gives you five stars—says you were a cheap dinner date and dessert was priceless.”
I’m going to kill Jenna. “Yeah, not what you—”
“Greg—five stars. Swallowed like a champ.” His brow raises in interest. Mine scrunches as I turn to Jenna.
“Sorry!” she shrugs.
“So, MegaMouthMel, it says to make you an offer you can’t refuse. What are you willing to do for another five-star, sweetheart?” His friends burst out laughing. I’ve had enough. Hot or not, he’s the kind of dick I’m most
certainly not interested in.
“Tough luck, pal. I don’t open these legs for tiny dicks. The way you seem to treat women, I’m guessing you’re compensating for something. And the only thing a man has to prove is his dick size, which, let me guess…” I lift my fingers, measuring an inch, “This small?”
His friends break into another fit of laughter, but his smile falls. “You wish, babe. If you want me to prove you wrong, we can go into the alley right now. And since it says here you’re a swallower, if you do a good job, I’ll reward you with a salty treat.”
He winks at me.
My girls hiss behind me.
I throw my hand up for them to back down. I got this. “Oh, good luck with that. You couldn’t pay me to pretend to be interested in someone like you.”
“And who’s that?” His condescending smile is back.
“Oh, I don’t know, men who probably still live with their mothers and jack off to their old high school photos because they’ve never amounted to anything but being bitter assholes.”
His brows crinkle. His frown is a point for me. “Oh, wait, did I hit a sore spot? You hear that? It’s your mom calling you home for meatloaf night.” I snatch my phone out of his hand while he’s caught off guard. “That’s what I thought. Enjoy your dinner, boys. I’m gonna go enjoy myself some dessert.” I make a popping sound with my lips, wink at the douche, then sashay away.
“Wow, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever witnessed!” Jenna exclaims.
Knowing we’re out of eye range, I whip around to her. “Are you for real? That guy was a total jerk! And seriously, Jenna?”
“That dude was eye-fucking you even after you insulted him about living with his mom. I’m pretty sure he’s still thinking about you.”
Yeah, thinking about bitch slapping me. Man, why do the super-hot ones have to be the biggest jerks? I should have known right away no one who looks like that is a decent human being. More like a guy who’s full of himself. I hug my friends goodbye and take an Uber home. The whole ride is consumed with that jerk’s crude comments and his plump lips—
“Ugh, go away!”
I stare out the window, needing to reroute my thoughts. Maybe I should give this app a try. What’s the worst that can happen? “Dick can happen. And it’s clear I need dick.”
“Excuse me?”
Shit. I lift my head to the driver. “Sorry, nothing. Never mind. Ducks—I saw a duck.”
After getting to my building, I stumble into my apartment and toss my heels across the room.
“Honey, I’m home!” I laugh. No one is coming to greet me. My lips purse at the reminder of Tad. I search for the pain in my chest that I used to feel knowing we were done, but relief is the only emotion that surfaces. I walk over to my fridge, open it, and sigh. All the stuff I bought for myself is still there. The milk cap is on, and the cheese package isn’t ripped open, collecting fridge mold. This is…great!
I shut my fridge, taking in and enjoying every single thing about having Tad gone. “Why the hell didn’t I kick him out sooner?” I ask myself, changing into a soft pair of pajamas. As I snuggle into bed, my phone dings. Probably Deanna, letting me know she got home, or Jenna screenshotting me a photo of a bar she ended up at.
I gaze at my screen, and my eyes widen. It’s a friend request—on my FitItIn app.
Dallas James would like to be friends
Intrigued, I pull up his profile. He’s super attractive. Dark blond hair, green eyes, and a toned body. His interests are sports, cooking, and golf. His bio says All Game. Seems normal. Since I’m drunk and will end up deleting the app come morning anyhow, I accept.
The message comes through instantly.
DallasJames: Hey, MegaMouthMel, I’m in the mood to make you an offer you most definitely won’t refuse.
Ew. That damn bio. I need to change that. If I’m keeping the app, that is…
I type back.
MegaMouthMel: No longer accepting offers. Sorry. I’m actually about to delete this app. Hope you find what or who you’re looking for.
Three little dots pop up. I’m about to click off when his message appears.
DallasJames: Oh, man, sorry. I’m new to this. I’m not very aggressive, and my friends told me to be. I’m really just looking to chat with someone. I don’t know how people can just meet and seconds later have sex.
“I totally agree, Dallas James.” I snuggle into my bed.
MegaMouthMel: I totally agree! To be honest, my girlfriend set this app up for me. The reviews aren’t even about me. Sorry to disappoint.
I wait for him to get offline now that the big secret is out, and I don’t actually swallow, but he responds.
DallasJames: Oh, good! Your profile was intimidating. It is too much to assume your pic is real?
It’s the only thing Jenna did tell the truth on. It’s a picture of us all at an old college roommate’s wedding. I’m smiling wide, super tipsy, but my hair and makeup are on point.
MegaMouthMel: That actually is me.
I wait for him to respond, but it takes him a bit longer. Thinking he’s lost interest, I put my phone down on my nightstand, then snatch it back up when it dings.
DallasJames: Wow. I’m sure you know how gorgeous you are, so I won’t scare you off with cheesy pickup lines. Humor me—why does someone as beautiful as you need to be on a site like this?
Well, my friends suck for starters.
MegaMouthMel: My friends thought it would be a good idea to get me back on the market. My boyfriend cheated on me, so to get over him, you know what they say…get under someone new. Gah! Why did I just admit that!?
Why am I telling a complete stranger my business? And admitting I’m a loser who got cheated on? I need to get off this app.
DallasJames: What’s his name? I’ll go kick his ass. I hate cheaters. To be honest, that’s why I’m on here too. I guess it’s not too embarrassing now that we share the same reason.
MegamouthMel: LOL!
MegaMouthMel: I mean, not lol that you got cheated on! Shit, sorry. I meant funny how we both ended up on here. And yeah, cheaters suck. Can I ask how long you were with your girlfriend?
DallasJames: Two years. She cheated on me with a guy from her work. Swore they were just friends until I caught them red-handed.
Why do people cheat? It’s such a cop-out. No one’s perfect. And if they are, I probably wouldn’t even want them. I’m drawn to flaws. Perfectly imperfect people. Take a look at Jenna! Tad wasn’t the best candidate for a husband and partner, but we meshed. We never fought. Never had sex. Cohabitated well. Never spent time together. Enjoyed the same things. Did not see eye to eye on me paying for him to become a male whore.
Jesus, have I been in a coma for the last two years?
MegaMouthMel: Gross. Same with mine. He took all my money then cheated on me with more women than I can count on my fingers and toes. But I got revenge, so it’s cool. My pride is slowly mending.
I don’t see the three dots and smack myself with my phone for word vomiting! This guy has to think I’m so pathetic.
DallasJames: I’m sorry that happened to you. You seem pretty cool. He obviously didn’t deserve you.
Awww, thanks, Dallas James. He sure didn’t.
Surprisingly, we fall into a comfortable conversation. I share more about myself, and he does the same. He avoids specific questions like what he does for a living and where he lives, but I’m sure it’s just the whole being uneasy and letting a stranger know your personal info, so I let it go.
Before I know it, it’s close to three in the morning.
MegaMouthMel: Shit, I need to get some sleep. I have to be up early to meet my friends. I had a great time chatting. Maybe…we can do it again sometime?
Yeah, I asked it. I asked a random guy on a hookup site on a second chat date. I blame it on the exhaustion. And when he turns me down, I’ll never speak of it again.
DallasJames: I’ve been crossing my finge
rs you’d ask. I’d love to. Sweet dreams, Mel.
Then he signs off.
Shit…
Are those…butterflies? “Shit!” I smash my face into my pillow, laughing at how unconventional this is. Did I just make a connection with someone online? Based on a photo and text messages? My cheeky grin confirms it. I sure did.
“Sweet dreams to you too, Dallas James.”
Chapter 4
Eating out of the palm of my hand for five-hundred, Alex
Lukas
I push through the doors of the crowded sports bar. Loud voices and the smell of wings fills the air. Harry waves at me from across the room, and I beeline toward their table. Football and beer—exactly what the doctor ordered after last night.
It was supposed to be a crazy night: meet up with the guys, enjoy an overpriced steak, and get laid. That is until a hot little brunette put a damper on my mood. She thought she was all high and mighty, talking shit to me in front of her prissy friends. Shit, even my asshole friends laughed. But I sure as hell didn’t. I met her match for match until she got one up on me and walked away before I could cauterize her.
As she walked away, I fought not to grab her back and wipe that smug smile off her face. Kiss it off, more like. Damn, she was hot. Almond eyes, plump lips, legs that went on for days. But that mouth... I wouldn’t have had a problem silencing her. All women have mute buttons, but this one…I couldn’t get her to shut up. She got under my skin. Insulting me in front of my friends. Thinking she one-upped me. She may have won the battle, but I plan on winning the war. No one crosses me like that.
She needed to be taught a lesson, and I was willing to take on the task. I sat at dinner and appreciated the scenery. New York’s biggest hot spot for singles. Blondes, brunettes, redheads. It was a sea of available and willing women. Too bad I had my eyes and mind set on one mouthy brunette.
MegaMouthMel
That was all I needed to get my revenge started. I downloaded the silly hookup app, FitItIn. Okay, maybe it was already on my phone. I’m single and have no interest in being tied down. I don’t do romance. I do sex. Physical, yes. Touchy-feely bullshit? Not a chance. Hence why, even after her little mouth pissed me off, I was still willing to take her around the side of the building and let her gag on my cock. A big cock, by the way. It pissed me off when Joe and Harry laughed at that shit. They’ve heard enough stories and enough one-night stands beg for a second round to know this dick is spectacular. Tiny, my ass.
I Have Lived And I Have Loved: A Charity Romance Collection Page 52
