by R. M. Webb
It’s gorgeous, but I’m not sure why we’re here. I shoot him a questioning look and he gestures for me to wait. The silence here is pristine, just water burbling over rocks, birds calling to each other in the trees, somehow, it feels wrong to speak. There’s a dry rock right by the water’s edge. It’s huge and flat and the perfect place to sit. My tiger curls up beside me, and we wait for whatever it is he wants to show me.
Noah crouches near the stream and starts chanting an incantation under his breath. I can only barely hear what he’s saying, and might have missed it completely if I wasn’t so in tune with his magic. He waves his hands over the water and sits back, smiling triumphantly.
The little glinting flashes of gold where the sun streaks into the water begin lifting up into the air. They twist and spiral around each other, a dance of light upon water, undulating and hypnotic. It might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’m aware of movement beside me, a kiss pressed into my hairline.
“Enjoy it, Zoe. Let it soothe you.” And then Noah stands and heads back towards the Manor, leaving me alone. I lose myself in the light dancing in the air, leaning back on my hands and smiling. When I finally come to, the light is gone as the sun has dipped below the horizon line and I feel so. much. better. Like maybe everything's going to be ok, just like Noah says it will.
I wander back towards the Manor, feeling more relaxed than I have in days. I’ll throw myself into tomorrow’s classes. It’s probably best if I never actually understand my dark magic. Save myself the trouble of going through all the regret that comes from having done bad things. I’m busy humming to myself, content in my decision to devote myself to light magic, when my phone buzzes on the table by my bed.
That’s really strange. I don’t get texts. Not anymore. I haven’t seen Becca since the summit and, well, the same goes for Luke, and that about sums up the total amount of people who’ve ever texted me. Curiosity on fire, I pick up my phone. My stomach drops and my heart leaps when I see who it’s from.
Luke.
I need to see you. Meet me? I want to explain.
I should tell him to fuck off. I should tell him to go to hell because I don’t want to hear his explanation. I should tell him I don’t care and I’m better without him.
‘Should’ is a stupid word. I pick up the phone and type out a response:
Where do you wanna meet?
Chapter Four
I toss and turn all night, haunted by thoughts of Luke twisting up with thoughts of Noah, all jangled up with the big bad question of how to handle my dark magic. Do I explore it or ignore it? When my alarm goes off at five thirty, I am so not ready. My eyes are all bleary and heavy and don’t want to open at all. I swing my feet off the bed and lean over, elbows on knees, head in hands.
It’s a big day. Daya has me scheduled out in the garden, practicing my healing magic. Alone. Usually, when they have me using any magic at all, I have to have someone with me. I guess I’ve proved myself or something. I can’t help but wonder if they’d let me out there, off leash and all, if Noah had reported what happened at the coffee shop with Todd.
I think probably not.
I shower and dress before heading down to the dining hall for breakfast, stopping along the way to put in a request to leave the premises unchaperoned. It’s ridiculous that they call it a dining hall. To me, a dining hall is a huge room with row upon row of tables filled with students in a dorm. This room isn’t that. It’s big, and it’s grand, but there are only a handful of tables spaced throughout the place and we’ve got, like fifteen students here at the most. That works for me though, because that means there’s always an empty table for me. Noah typically joins me and the kids try not to be too obvious about staring at us.
Noah doesn’t show up this morning, though. He’s probably sleeping in, lucky dog. I eat, totally unaware of whether what I’m eating tastes good or not, because I’m busy trying to keep myself from thinking about Luke. There’s such an explosion of confusion dancing in my stomach right now. I’m getting equal amounts of good feelings brought on by memories of playing Xbox with him, curling up in his lap, the way he was never content just letting me be quiet and non-committal - and just plain awful feelings. You know, the way his eyes have a bad habit of turning blood-red and the fact that he built our relationship on a lie.
Combine all of that with the fact that I’ll be out alone, in the garden, trying to weave a pretty complicated healing spell all on my lonesome, and, well, I’m just not all that hungry. Gonna have to force some food down though. Magic is like a muscle. It wears out and gets fatigued and needs extra fuel to get strong. It also gets stronger the more you use it and atrophies when you don’t. I’ve spent, you know, my whole life not using my magic, so as you can imagine, I’m going to have to work to make it as strong as it should be for someone my age.
When breakfast is done, I wander outside. The sun is just beginning to rise and there’s a coat of frost on the ground, shining in the early morning light. My breath puffs in front of my face and I’m thankful I thought to bring a jacket. Even though I’m the only person out here, somewhere, somehow, they’re bound to be watching me. As much as I’d like to procrastinate, you know, take my time, maybe hike back to that place near the river and see if I can make the light dance on the water like Noah did, I square my shoulders and march back to my station.
With the days getting shorter and colder, and with frost coating the ground most mornings, the garden is suffering. I’ve been tasked with healing a small section of the garden. If that goes well, I’m supposed to try a small protection spell to see if i can keep the flowers from dying in the cold. The healing spell will be difficult because I’m basically fighting mother nature and that’s kind of a big no-no. I know I’ll be worn out after I finish. I’ve mastered the protection spell, getting that one off will just be a matter of having enough stamina.
There’s a bench waiting for me and someone thought to leave a cup of hot chocolate. Someone who knows I really don’t like coffee. I smile and mouth a ‘thank you’ to Noah - like I said, I don’t know how they’re watching, but I do know they’re watching - before taking a big drink. Of course, they’ve got me in a spot that’s been most affected by the cold. Flowers wilted and dead. Leaves totally evacuating branches, leaving them sparse and angular, little black fingers reaching out across the rose-colored sky.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, ignoring the rumble of worry in my stomach. My tiger is right there waiting, tail swishing impatiently. She doesn’t like being cooped up for as long as I have to keep her cooped up. If she had her way, I’d be using my magic all day every day, loosing her from my mind to play.
With a word, I summon her and the worry subsides having her at my side. I ruffle the fur between her ears as I work on expanding the edges of my focus, kind of reaching out with my magic like I’m trying to stretch my arms extra wide. Another nervous little breath escapes my parted lips and I bite it off. Nerves will get me nowhere. Action will get me everywhere.
“Sanitas valitudo.” I chant the words over and over, focusing on the plants inside the reach of my power. There’s that little pop of my magic kicking into action and calm rushes through me, chasing worry away. Healing magic comes from deep inside, a place of peace and tranquility. It’s impossible to cast if the witch is upset or nervous.
When I feel like I’ve gotten control over myself, like I’ve gotten to a place where I can focus on nothing but health and happiness and let it spread out from me, I open my eyes. The sun has made it’s appearance at the horizon and the beautiful sky is the first thing I see. I’ve always felt a sense of awe looking at the sky. A smile twitches across my face and I lower my gaze to the garden stretching out in front of me.
Waves of magic are undulating off of me, the dead and dying flowers are already starting to perk up, color bleeding back into their petals. This spell is supposed to be a real challenge, supposed to really put a strain on my magic. I’m not gonna lie. So far, it�
��s not that bad. In fact, all the things that have been supposed to be challenging, really haven’t been that bad. At the summit, Luke had mentioned he’d been dating me for the power. And Lucy had commented on how much power I have.
God, she was creepy. I hope I never have to deal with her again.
But it makes me wonder, I don’t really know my birth parents. Were they witches, too? Maybe they were super powerful, and so, I’m extra powerful because of how powerful they were. And if I’m being super honest, as much as I love the people who raised me, the people I think of when I use the word ‘parents’, I get a little sad when I realize that I’ll never know my birth parents.
And then there’s the whole thing where part of me thinks that maybe, just maybe, my birth parents were killed because of me. At the summit, Becca said that someone with authority, someone she was afraid of making mad, ordered her to put a magic dampening spell on me, to keep me from knowing who and what I really am. Did that high up person also manage to kill my parents? You know, to be extra sure that I never came into my powers?
I’d love to get some time alone with Becca, ask her all the questions that are locked up in my head, the ones that spin up when I’m trying to fall asleep. Did she ever like me at all? Did she ever care? Were all our years together, like for my whole life, were all those just about her following orders?
And then I have even bigger questions. Who ordered her to hide me? Who do I have to thank for a lifetime of self-doubt and embarrassment? ‘Cause what I’d really like to do is find that person and hurt them. I mean, if I get down my most base reactions, the pure, unadulterated place where I am my most true self, the self I won’t show to anyone else, I want to look that person in the eye, send my thoughts all sharp and pointed into their brain, and slam around until I get the answers I need.
Why do I have access to both light and dark magic?
Why did I need to be kept a secret?
Why did my birth parents die?
Who am I?
Maybe Luke knows. Maybe, if I get permission to meet him, he can give me some of the answers to these questions. He owes me that at least.
My thoughts have led me down dark paths and I’m not really feeling peaceful and pacified any more. My heart is filled with hate and my thoughts of the things I’d like to do to the people who’ve done this to me are filled with pain and blood and whimpering. A smile creeps across my face.
I like the thought of making them whimper.
I like the thought of making Becca feel self-conscious. Of making her submit to me for a change. I’ve been in her head once, that night I killed Carter. There was pain on her face and there was nothing she could do to get me out of her thoughts. That’s strange. Maybe I’m stronger than her.
Maybe I could just sneak out and creep into the apartment and with one swift thrust of my magical fist, destroy her. Except then, I wouldn’t get the answers I want. If I destroy her, I destroy all my chances of learning what the hell my whole life has been about.
Instead, maybe I can just cause her enough pain to make her want to tell me everything. Ya. That sounds good.
Magic is pulsing off me in huge waves and the tiger is pacing in front of me, snarling and twitching her whiskers. I open my eyes.
Shit!
Instead of golden light, sparkling and glittering around the plants, there are massive purple clouds, seeping into the ground. Bits of fire scorching the earth at my feet. Green, oozing drops of something dripping from leaves and branches. Instead of flowers blooming and buds sprouting on trees, desecration stretches out in front of me. The tiger whines and places her great head in my lap.
What have I done?
Beads of sweat drip off my forehead and my shirt is clinging to my damp back. When I raise my hand, it quivers in the air in front of me. I’m exhausted. Spent. But I can’t leave things like this.
Blowing a deep breath out through my nose, I concentrate on finding that place of peace. I look for the solace that Noah brought me near the river, the warmth I felt with his lips pressed to mine yesterday. Somewhere, deep inside me, buried under all the hateful thoughts of revenge and betrayal, is the good part of me. The part that wields light magic and cares about what happens to people. The part that Noah believes in.
“Sanitas valitudo.” I chant the incantation over and over, my voice shaking in exhaustion, desperate to reverse what I’ve done. I look down at the tiger. “Help me.”
She lays down at my feet and wraps her tail around my ankles. The contact brings me comfort. I become aware of a voice, deep inside my head, a voice that sounds like home. “Concentrate, Zoe. You can do this.”
Somehow, Noah’s been here with me the whole time.
There’s a woompf, and then, there’s, like, no sound at all. Magic explodes out from me, plants bending in the wind caused by its passing. I open my eyes in time to see the entire garden die. It shrivels up into a brown tangled mess. A bird drops out of the sky and lands on its back at my feet, its eyes open and its neck twisted.
And then, a golden pulse of light magic starts at my feet and ripples out away from me. The bird hops to its feet and flies away. The plants spring back to life, luscious and overgrown. Barren trees now laden with leaves and blossoms that quickly change into fruit.
The world is spinning and I’m so tired I’m cold. My hands fall to my side and I’m vaguely aware of warmth spreading across my legs. It seems I’ve managed to spill my hot chocolate. Things get all tilted and I think that’s because I’m falling.
One more thing. I had to do one more thing. A protection spell.
“Vigilens servo cortego”
I whisper the words, only vaguely aware that I’m making a sound at all, and then the world gives one last revolting lurch and then everything goes black.
Chapter Five
I wake in my bed, swathed in blankets and sweat. My body feels tired and bruised, the way I imagine a runner feels after a marathon. I struggle to sit up and instantly regret the decision. My head throbs and I feel hung-over in the worst possible way. Sunlight pierces through the slats of my closed blinds, leaving linear bursts of brightness on the floor that point and laugh at my headache.
“You ok?”
The voice comes from someone in a chair in the far corner of my room and I jump and yelp. “Christ, Noah.” I rub my forehead.
“Sorry.” He gives a little laugh. “I thought you could see me.”
“Nope. The floor’s too bright.”
Noah kind of snorts and stands up. “I’ll pretend like I know what that means.”
I just smile instead of trying to explain. “It’s probably better that way.”
When Noah sits down beside me, he sinks into the super soft mattress, creating a little downward hill. I topple over and lean into him, letting my head rest on his shoulder. It’s good he’s here. I’m not sure I could stand being alone right now.
I sigh and close my eyes. “What happened?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing.”
“I guess, what I really want to know, is what could you guys see?”
“I think what Daya saw and what I saw were two very different things. I clued into thoughts from the get go. I’m pretty sure she was just watching what happened to the garden.”
“Ok, so, what did Daya see? How much trouble am I in? ”
Noah wraps an arm around me and I’m acutely aware that my back is still tacky with sweat. “I think all Daya saw was the garden go from a normal, well-cared for garden going dormant at the start of autumn into an overgrown jungle with monstrous flowers and insanely large trees bearing freakishly perfect fruit.” I sit up and stare at him, perplexed. “I think she missed the part where you killed it all first.”
I remember the bird dropping at my feet, it’s black eyes blank and lifeless. “I didn’t just kill the garden.” I pull out of Noah’s arms and stumble to my feet. The cool tile feels good on my bare feet. Somewhere, on the disaster that is my desk, is a hair tie. I rummage around,
thankful for the distraction, until I find it. Noah stays silent and I feel his gaze boring into my back, watching me as I pull my hair up into a high bun. “I’m so hot.”
“That’ll wear off. Just a side effect of using so much magic.” When I turn to face him, he offers me one of his most charming smiles. “The bird’s fine.”
“But it wasn’t.”
“But it is now.”
I move to the window and lean against the wall, arms crossed. “How many ‘accidents’ do I have to have before you admit I’m not going to figure out how to control my dark magic?”
Noah flinches. He swallows and looks away. “This just has to be the way we do things.”
“You keep saying that, but, I’m not so sure it’s gonna work the way you want it to. It’s like there’s this big ball of darkness inside me, and the more I ignore it, the bigger it gets. It wants me to see it. Hell, it’s a part of me. And it doesn’t matter if I like it or not, it’s who I am. It’s like you’re trying to get me to believe that I really have brown hair and then to go out and convince everyone else I’m a brunette, too, even though I know I’m blonde and they know I’m blonde...”
“Zoe, look, it’s a challenge now, sure, but you don’t know what the alternative feels like … it’s …” Noah meets my eyes and it’s clear he’s talking from a place filled with hurt. Maybe more hurt than I’ve ever come close to experiencing. “It’s easy to lose yourself.”
“But maybe I need to get lost in order to understand-”
Noah lurches off the bed and crosses the room to put his hands on my shoulders. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” His voice holds an urgency that I’m not sure what to do with.
I make an exasperated sound and push off the wall, out of his grasp. “Then explain it to me.”
It’s taking a lot out of me to be up on my feet. My legs feel all quivery, like they might give way any second, but the look on Noah’s face says that he’s softening. If I show weakness now, he might clam right back up again.
