by Sharp, Tracy
Gabriel took the mug from me and picked me up, snaking an arm under my legs and one under my arms. I knew I should feel alarmed, but I was too tired to care. I felt a cool, smooth surface beneath me, and a soft pillow under my cheek. A blanket covered me and I felt myself snuggle deep beneath it.
And then I was gone.
Sometime in the quiet, black night I dreamed of a warm breath on my throat. Of warm fingers between my legs, and I quivered in ecstasy, delicious pleasure rippling over me until the orgasm faded and I dropped back under the waves of sleep.
***
When I awoke I was still on the couch, the blanket on top of me. I smelled strong, rich coffee and I again heard the crackle of the fire place.
“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty,” Gabriel said. “It’s time for breakfast.” He stood in the doorway between the living room and kitchen areas, looking angelic. His wavy blonde hair shone like a halo around his head.
My stomach growled, calling to the smell of bacon. I sat up and blinked several times, my mind fuzzy. The entire experience was disorienting to me because I’d spent most of my life as a loner, but here I’d been with people for as long as I’d been at the compound.
I looked at the smiling faces around me. People seemed happy. Perhaps many of them actually were. Who knew what their lives had been like before they’d joined the cult? I’d thought of the kids I’d seen on the streets, escaping something worse back home than turning tricks for money. Kids who would consider that kind of life a happier existence in comparison to the ones that they led.
It happened. But then, a cult was a cult. Wasn’t it? And safety was an illusion, because what if the time came to drink the Kool-aid? When that time came, there was no walking away. Loyal cult members made certain of that.
I thought of the babies who had supposedly died. Something was going on here, and I needed to find out what it was.
Christ, my mind was foggy.
“Come on, Leah. Take your seat at the table.” Gabriel gestured to a seat at the long table, the series of tables, really, next to him. Apparently I was something special. New recruit. Be that as it may, I was starving.
And it was delicious. The coffee was rich, the bacon and pancakes incredible.
Still, I felt so tired. I wondered, not for the first time since I’d walked into the compound, if I’d bitten off more than I could chew. Then I looked at Julia from across the table, her round belly and rosy cheeks. She seemed to be always smiling, and one hand always rested on her belly, lightly caressing. I couldn’t string two thoughts together. One would begin and fade before it was really fully developed.
I looked across the table at the other pregnant women. If something wasn’t done, the same fate that had come to Noel’s and Nita’s babies might befall these unborn infants. I felt my stomach clench, and as groggy and bone tired as I was, I straightened my back and smiled back at all those peaceful, happy faces.
After breakfast we were taken to another building not far from the main one. There was a small path to walk, over which empty tree branches hung. The grass had turned white with the sudden frost that had covered it. The air was damp and bitter, and I wrapped my arms around myself to keep myself a little warmer.
Gabriel came up beside me. “That jacket isn’t very warm for this weather. I think we can find you a warmer one. We have some spares in the downstairs area of the main house. You’re welcome to take whatever you like.”
I smiled at him. “That’s really nice of you. Thank you.”
He placed a hand on my lower back. “We take care of our own here. I’m sure it’s not what you’re used to, but you’ll see that it’s true. You won’t find a more loving group than this one.”
“I’m sure you’re right.” I heard dogs barking in the distance. “What is that?”
“Oh, we take in strays here. We feed them and find them new homes. We have a website, and we feature photos of all our pets for potential families of these animals. Come on, I’ll show you.”
The other members continued on to the next building while Gabriel led me to a structure a little further away. It was a large wooden building, one floor, not large in width but long.
“This is where our furry guests stay until we find them homes.” He took me around to the back of the building where an enormous fenced in area contained several dogs of all shapes, sizes and types.
“This is fantastic.” It seemed that the group really did care about the well-being of homeless and abused animals. “How do they come to be here?”
“We keep tabs on the local shelters in the area that practice euthanasia on animals whose time there has run out. We give them a second chance. None of the animals here are ever killed. We keep them as long as they need to stay.”
I bit my lip, suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. My eyes filled and I covered my face with my hands, turning away. I tried to swallow back tears before they fell.
I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Leah. What is it?”
It was a long moment before I could talk. “I lost my dog a few months back, a Rottweiler that I had rescued from a terrible home. He’d been in horrible condition, all skin and bones and I really think he would’ve died if I hadn’t taken him in.”
Gabriel’s mouth turned downward, his face red. “That is despicable. Somebody should’ve treated his owner the same way.”
“Somebody probably had while he was growing up, but it’s no excuse, is it? I could have cheerfully shot the bastard.”
“So could I, Leah.”
I took in a shaky breath. “I had Buddy for four years. Cancer took him. I had to put him down. But I waited too long, Gabriel. I should’ve done it sooner and he suffered before I finally did what I should’ve done long before. He’d had several surgeries and I thought he was fine. He wasn’t.”
“You did what you could to keep him with you. It’s what we do when we love something or someone so much we can’t let go.”
“I miss him so much.” I felt more tears spill from my eyes, unable to stop them.
He took me in his arms and held me, patting my back. “He’s still with you, Leah. The ones who really love us, the ones we love so fiercely, they stay with us. He’s still here, watching over you.”
I moved away from him, wiping my eyes and feeling like a child. What the hell was wrong with me? Yes, I did miss Buddy, but blubbering like an idiot to the leader of a cult wasn’t my style.
Or maybe it was.
Maybe he’d buy my being sucked in to his bullshit more easily if I seemed weak. The trouble was, I was feeling weak. But Noel was counting on me, and so was Jack, Declan and Callahan, and so were all those smiling pregnant women at the table that morning, although they didn’t know it yet.
“I have something for you,” Gabriel said, taking me by the hand and leading me to the fence. “Pango!” he called. “Pango, come here girl!”
I saw a large tan and black shape come trotting toward us and my breath caught in my throat. My heart ached when I looked at her. She was a spectacular Rottweiler, she was a big girl, with a large, blocky head and a wide smile on her face.
“Oh, my God. She is so gorgeous!” I watched her come up to the fence, tail wagging.
“She is. She’s very regal, isn’t she?” He opened the door and Pango came walking out, muscles rippling under her shiny black fur.
I knelt down and let her sniff my hands. “Oh, you are so pretty. Do you know what a pretty girl you are?”
Her smile seemed to grow wider and her dark eyes shone. She was easily gorgeous enough to be a show dog. “What happened with her? I can’t believe that nobody would take her.”
“Well, I confess, I snapped Pango up the first day I saw her picture on one of the sites. Her family dropped her off at the shelter because they were moving. The parents were divorcing and had sold their house. Neither of them could have her in their newer homes, for whatever reason. Most landlords won’t take pets, especially not a Rottweiler.
“That is so sad,” I said
, running my hands over her fur. It was love at first sight, and she was coming home with me no matter what, even if I had to hold every cult member at gunpoint.
“It’s a common story, sadly,” Gabriel said. “It’s the reason many of the animals we have are here. We have cats inside the animal structure, and various other critters.”
I looked up at him. “This is a wonderful thing you’re doing here, Gabriel. It really is.”
He looked at me, his eyes serious. “What you do comes back to you, Leah. What you give comes back, too. It’s karma. I’ve seen it over and over again.”
“I’d like to think that’s true.” I moved my hands over Pango’s huge head, my heart filling and feeling lighter.
“Oh, it is.” Gabriel squatted down beside me, stroking Pango’s thick coat. “If you stay with us, she’s yours, Leah.”
He made it sound as if I had a choice.
I glanced up at him. “I guess I can’t take her home with me when I have no home to go back to.”
He reached out and cupped my cheek in his palm. “This is your home now, little one. You’ll never have to want for another thing ever again. I will take care of you. You have a family here with us. We look out for each other.”
“What’s the catch?” I said, cringing inside. It was a bold question to ask a cult leader.
He lifted his hands a little. “I want only your loyalty and respect. That’s it.”
“Sounds like a good deal.” I stood slowly, my knees feeling weak. I wondered if I were coming down with something. I felt run down and exhausted.
“Absolutely the best deal you’ll ever find. Trust me.”
Trust me. Famous last words.
I was carrying one of the bugs Declan had given me attached to the inside of my bra.
Now it’s for real, guys, I thought. Are you getting this?
Christ, I hoped they were.
***
I asked Gabriel if I could help with the animals. He said he saw no problem with that, then winked at me, adding, “as long as you follow our ideology for a better life.”
And just what in hell was that, I wondered. I was about to find out.
He took me to the structure the other members had gone into. Inside, I was subjected to three hours of intense lecturing on the evils of modern society. He was charismatic; hypnotizing to watch, using large, flowing hand and arm gestures. His voice was confident, booming, not a shade of doubt to be heard. My senses of sight and sound were completely engaged, and I could see how easily it was to get completely caught up in what he was saying. What mattered most was his confidence, his righteous conviction. The family was the only safe place. The only place we’d ever find true love. The outside world couldn’t be trusted. Look at the state the country was in. None of the mess we were in as a country, as a people, would’ve happened if everyone was true at heart. Everyone was out for themselves. Greed was destroying us.
And here it was. The real sales pitch.
We needed to be enlightened to enlighten others. We had to be true at heart, loyal and faithful to him, in order to be saved. We had to be completely open to him. Otherwise we’d go down with the outsiders.
It was simple enough, easy for many people to swallow. It was true. Our country was in a mess. People are greedy. He took the truth and he used it to his own advantage. He twisted it to serve himself. To create fear, so that his followers would never, ever want to stray. It was dangerous out there, and if they didn’t follow him, they’d be out on their own.
It would be terrifying for a group of people who had found such love, security, friendship and safety. In the outside world, they’d be fish among sharks with blood in the water all around them.
Just like I was, right then.
I was treading water.
Chapter Six
The headache pounding behind my eyes and the grogginess dragging me down made me certain that Gabriel had drugged me. I knew what it felt like. I’d tried sleeping pills for a very short while right after the death of Caroline. The girl I’d been guarding when her throat was slit. The sedatives always left me with a splitting headache and grogginess the following day.
The really frightening question was what had taken place after I’d passed out? Something had to have, why else would he have drugged me? Unless it was just another method of keeping my mind foggy and therefore more suggestible.
I hoped like hell that was the reason. Because if I found out that I’d been used in any sexual way while I was in a drug induced stupor, there would be blood. No doubt about it. And I didn’t care about the consequences.
I stopped eating or drinking anything anyone gave me. I was famished, but I wouldn’t eat. I took water only from the tap, so at least I wouldn’t become dehydrated. I’d have to try and get food in the middle of the night somehow. If I could find nuts of any kind, they would hold me over for a while.
“You have to eat, Leah. You’ll get sick.” Gabriel’s disapproving face made me want to spit at him. I knew why he wanted me to eat, and it wasn’t concern over my physical well-being.
“I’m not feeling well.” I moved a hand over my face and forehead. “I feel really queasy. Might be something that didn’t agree with me,” Like the drugs you gave me, you sick fuck.
“You should lie down for a while,” he said. “Meredith, go with her.”
“No, I can make it there myself,” I said, standing up slowly.
“No, you don’t look very strong. Meredith will go with you. She’ll make sure you get up there okay. Stay with you in case you need anything.”
Yeah, whatever you do, don’t let me have a moment alone to think. I said nothing for fear that I’d tell him what I really thought.
Meredith took my arm and led me up the stairs. I was happy to lie down, but the rows of beds disturbed me. Nobody here was an individual, and things were definitely arranged to reinforce that idea. The rows of beds, side by side by side, screamed it.
For me, this was a cruel and unusual kind of torture. I need my time alone or I start to go wiggy. I’ve actually come down with colds during stretches that I haven’t been able to spend some time alone and recharge.
Everything about the place worked to weaken me. I had to find a way to keep my mind alert.
I felt grubby and gritty, and realized that I hadn’t showered yet and had been wearing the same clothes for two days. When I got back up I’d go into the room downstairs and find a fresh pair of clothes and get a shower. Then I’d feel more human.
Meredith sat on the bed next to me, her legs crossed Indian style. “Sleep for a little while. I’ll watch over you.”
Christ. I just wanted her to go away. “I really don’t need you to watch over me. I’ll be okay. I just need a little rest to kick whatever this is.”
She smiled as if she were humoring a four year old child. “I’ll stay. Gabriel wants me to stay with you.”
“And Gabriel’s word is gospel here, isn’t it?” I was moving into dangerous terrain here. But I was too tired and cranky to care.
She looked startled. “Of course it is. Gabriel has changed all of our lives. He’s made us see the light.”
“What light?”
“Well, how meaningless our lives were before him. Struggling against everything in life, to keep up with the Joneses, to make ends meet and to make it as a respected member of society. To be respected in their society you need to be rich, otherwise you are nothing. It’s not like that here. Everyone is equal. No one is better than anyone else.”
“Except Gabriel,” I said.
“Yes. But he’s our leader. He is showing us the way to a more fulfilling, meaningful life.”
“Ah,” I said, my eyes closing. I’d just close them for a minute. “I’m still listening.”
“I’m still watching.”
***
When I awoke my heart sank. I was still at the compound. Meredith was still sitting on the bed beside me, but her eyes were closed and her wrists lay facing up on her legs. She was
meditating. I wanted to enjoy just a few minutes more of resting, especially since she wasn’t looking at me, but she sensed that I was awake and her dark eyes opened.
She smiled. “Well hello. Did you have a good nap? You were sleeping for about an hour.
“I feel like I could sleep for an entire day,” I said, and it was true. As soon as I got back home I was going to do just that. Maybe I’d sleep for several days.
“Do you feel better?” She asked me.
“I’d feel better if I could have a shower,” I said.
“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “We’ll have to ask Gabriel if you can shower.”
Of course we’d have to ask Gabriel. “Why, I won’t take long.”
“Because we shower on specific days so that we don’t run out of hot water. I take one on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today is Saturday.” She nodded once with conviction. “We’ll have to find out if it’s okay for you to shower on a Saturday.”
Jesus. How did these people live this way? But then, some people might find it comforting to not have to make single decision. I was all for saving the environment, but that wasn’t the real reason Gabriel had these people on such a tight regimen. Everything was thought of for these people. They didn’t do a thing without Gabriel saying it was okay first.
“Okay,” I said. “Can we ask him now? I need fresh clothes, too. He said I could look through the boxes downstairs.”
“We’ll just make sure that’s okay too.”
“Oh, is that not allowed on a Saturday?”
Her face hardened. I wouldn’t make allies here with my attitude.
“Just wondering. This is all new to me,” I said. “You know? Not used to being told what to do all the time.”
She gave me a forgiving smile. “Oh, you’ll get used to it. It’s for the betterment of everyone. You need to be assigned a number, too.”
Ah. The numbers. “A number?”
“I’m number eight,” she said proudly.
“Why numbers?”
