by Sharp, Tracy
I shook my head, imagining what it must’ve been like for a sixteen year old Jamie who was being coerced into signing a document that she really didn’t understand. I swallowed down anger.
“ Adrian slapped me across the face and called me a stupid little bitch. She said that my father would be responsible for all the room and board they’d provided for me, the clothes they’d bought me, the medical and legal expenses, and that she would sue him.”
“Holy shit,” Jack said, getting up and beginning a slow pace around the room. “She’s diabolical. Just diabolical.”
“These people are, Jack,” Elena said. “And Adrian is only one of them. You wouldn’t believe how many people there are like her out there, doing the same thing.”
“What happened then,” I asked Jamie.
Her face had become hard as stone. “I told her I didn’t care.”
Jack and I looked at each other and laughed. She’d been a ballsy sixteen year old.
“Oh, I bet that went over swimmingly,” I said.
She grinned a little. “I told her I was keeping my son and she could do whatever she wanted to my father and me. We’d be okay somehow. I didn’t really mean to keep him. I just didn’t want to give him up to her. I just knew something was very wrong about the whole situation. So I said she wasn’t getting my son.”
“Good girl,” Jack said.
But we already knew that it hadn’t turned out well for her. That’s why she was here.
“Yeah. Well, she stared at me for a long time, her face white. She spoke to me in a very even, low whisper then.”
“What did she say?” I asked her, almost falling off the couch, because I leaned so far forward listening to her.
“She said I could take the clothes I came in with, and I could leave right then. But I wouldn’t be given any cab fare or bus fare home. I’d have to find my own way, in the mid-January deep freeze. And that she doubted my father would be very happy with me leaving there when they were only trying to provide my baby with a better life, but if I wanted to disappoint him and make his life miserable and throw him into poverty I was welcome to do that.”
“Fucking unbelievable,” Jack said, he had stopped pacing and stood watching her, his face incredulous.
“I never signed the document. So they drugged me. One of the women who worked there had given me a bottle of water. I didn’t think about it then, but she made a show of opening it for me.”
“Of course,” I said. “So that you wouldn’t realize that it had already been opened when she’d placed the ground up pills in it.”
Jamie gave a slow nod. “Yeah. It was tasteless. Unless I was just so freaked out that I never noticed that it didn’t takes quite right. But by the time I’d gotten my things together, the things I’d brought there, I was swaying and staggering. The woman who gave me the water helped me to the bed and told me to lie down for a little while, just until I felt better. She said that I was just upset.”
When I awoke the next morning my baby was gone. They sent me to the bus station in a cab with a bus ticket home. Nobody said anything to me. Nobody wished me a nice life. They had me wait on the doorstep in the freezing cold, and when the cab came to pick me up, nobody even opened the door to wave goodbye.”
We were all silent, watching Jamie, unbelieving. Her story was unbelievable, but we all believed it. Human beings just didn’t treat people the way that Adrian treated the young, pregnant girls in her homes for unwed mothers. But Adrian clearly wasn’t human. She was some other species entirely.
“And your son,” I asked her, though I already knew the answer.
She just shook her head, silent.
***
Jamie did decide to stay the night at Elena’s house. They had a connection, and I was happy to see Jamie with somebody who could support her after the emotional scab she’d just ripped from her heart.
When we pulled up in front of the house Jack placed a hand on my arm. “You doing okay, Kicks?”
I nodded. “I’m fine. Just really, really tired.”
“Yeah. Me too. Take your time waking up in the morning, okay? We both need the extra sleep.”
“Right.” I climbed out of the truck. “I’ll call you in the morning.”
“Stay cool, Kicks.” He watched my face, looking for some indication that he should stay with me.
I smiled at him and winked. “You know it, baby.”
I closed the truck door and made my way to my own front door, excited about seeing Pango, but feeling the same old gap in the center of me open. I was in a dark mood, and the lump in my throat, threatening tears close behind it, was pissing me off. If I allowed the floodgates to open I was afraid they’d never close. I needed to keep a cap on those tears at all costs.
Pango did a happy dance on the kitchen floor when she saw me through the window in the door.
“Hey, baby girl.” I ran my hands over her head and back. “Don’t go far, okay?”
I let her out and she trotted toward the woods to do her business. I waited for her, not having the energy to keep her company. I gazed out into the darkness, then looked up at the black sky, at the stars winking down at me, and breathed in the chilled air. With a sinking feeling I realized that the sadness, the pit of darkness that yawned out of me now and then, was inevitable. Most times I can fight if off. Tonight it wasn’t working.
I couldn’t take it. Not now. Because if I didn’t do something soon, within a short period of time it would feel too much like I was dying.
I dug my cell out of my jacket and turned it on. I’d had it off the entire day, not wanting the temptation.
There was a single text message from Lucas.
My heart fluttered and I felt a grin come to my lips, and felt the first feather light stirrings that perhaps everything would be okay.
And underneath that, the tiny voice whispering to me that this was barren terrain that I was about to visit again. That I’d crawl away from it when I discovered that the fresh, cool water I was seeing was only a mirage, and that my inevitable, unquenchable thirst would return.
When I clicked on view and read the message, which said, I want to see you, that voice of reason vanished and I felt okay again, the pain fading.
***
When I responded to his text, asking where he was, he’d replied, saying that he was at his office, that he’d be over in about an hour. He was just finishing up some odds and ends that needed to be done before tomorrow.
I couldn’t wait.
I drove to the firm, parking further back in the parking lot. There were only a few vehicles left. I sat, staring at the building for a minute. Imagining Lucas inside, in his office, head bent to some paperwork, glasses having slid slightly down his nose.
Should I wait? Go back home? This was crazy.
No. I needed him now.
I got out of my Jeep and headed for the entrance of the building. A good looking man in a dark suit was coming through the doors. His dark hair was cut perfectly, and held in place with some men’s hair product. His cologne was too strong and he smiled at me as I breezed past him. I didn’t hesitate.
My stride didn’t falter as I headed down the hall toward the security door. I needed to be let in. I put my finger on the button and buzzed Lucas’s phone. He would see me on the monitor beside his laptop.
He did, and buzzed me in.
I walked quickly to his office, my boots hitting the polished floor echoing loudly in the corridor. His door opened before I got to it. He stood looking at me, a slightly bewildered smile on his face. I stepped through the door and he closed it behind me.
“I couldn’t wait,” I said, stepping into his arms and going for his lips with my own.
“I can see that,” he said, between kisses.
“I want you right now,” I breathed into his mouth, and unbuttoned his pants.
“Leah, there’s a window in the door.”
“Everyone is gone, aren’t they?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I don’t care,” I said, sliding his boxers down his legs. My mind clouded and heat pooled between my legs. I was suddenly aware of my nipples pressing against my bra. “I need you. Right now.”
I backed him to the love seat and pushed him down into it. He chuckled as I undid the button of my jeans, zipped them down, and shoved them down my legs, kicking them off as I climbed on top of him. I left my panties on.
“My my, aren’t we feeling frisky,” he said, grinning up at me, his head slightly tilted to the side.
“Yes,” I murmured, leaning in close as I moved against his shaft slowly, teasing myself. He was already hard as I moved against the length of him, the friction against the fabric of my panties making my clit swell. Sharp little twinges of pleasure singing through me. “We are.”
His eyes softened into the look I’d come to know as his bedroom eyes. Slightly misty and far away as they watched me. His hands moved over my hips and his breathing deepened, trying to maneuver me over him so that he could gain entry.
I smiled down at him. “Uh uh. Not so fast, cowboy.”
“Mmm,” He looked up at me, his lips plumping slightly in arousal.
“I want to savor this.” I continued moving slowly, working myself into a frenzy.
“Christ, Leah.” His voice was throaty, sexy.
I felt tension ball in my abdomen, my thighs tightened, signaling that I was going to come any second. I felt the first contraction as I slid over him, and felt my walls squeezing him over and over as delicious sensations washed over me.
His head dropped back against the couch and he moaned low in his throat. I leaned back, placing my hands on his knees and moved my hips back and forth, rising slightly with each move forward, as the orgasm faded.
Lucas grabbed my hips and lifted me higher, thrusting deeper into me, making me cry out. Heat moved over my entire body and I felt myself flush, pleasure prickling deep inside of me. I moved forward, grasping his shoulders, fucking him hard until the next orgasm exploded inside of me, rocking me out of my senses, my eyes squeezing so tightly shut that everything was white behind them.
I heard Lucas cry out as his hands grasped my hips so hard it stung, his nails digging into my skin. He thrust deep into me and pulled me down tightly, taking quick, ragged breaths.
I leaned forward as my orgasm ebbed. I wanted to grasp onto it, but it slipped away, the emptiness seeping in close behind it.
“Jesus Christ,” he breathed against my neck.
“Well said,” I whispered, my forehead pressing against the fabric of the loveseat.
This was the awkward part. Now what do we do? We weren’t exactly dating. He was married, had a wife to go home to. And I was just as emotionally unavailable as he was. My desire to push off him and snatch up my clothes probably mirrored what he was feeling. Because he wasn’t mine, and he never would be. I wanted to be close to him, to snuggle into him and feel safe and warm, but it wouldn’t be real. It would be a dream. Another mirage.
I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of loving him, because I couldn’t afford it. And neither could he.
Knowing this was both comforting and isolating, and I remembered the tiny voice that had, once again, tried and failed to warn me. My drug of choice had left me longing. Something close to despair feathered fingers along my heart. I pictured a barren dessert, no rescue in sight. Like always, I’d have to wander the nothingness until I found my way back out.
“Thank you, Ms. Ryan,” Lucas said.
I moved back until I was looking at him. “You’re welcome. It was my pleasure.” And it had been, but my voice betrayed me, cracking slightly, hinting at the loneliness I was feeling.
He must’ve heard it because he took my face in his hands and moved toward me, kissing me on the nose.
I offered a tiny smile.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said, gently pushing me backward.
“Right,” I said, as I climbed off him and started getting dressed.
***
I drove home, picturing the session that Lucas and I had just had to stave off the emptiness I felt. I wanted the feel of his hands on me, the taste of his lips. I could smell his cologne, which lingered on me. I remembered the feel of him as he’d pulled me down on top of him, desperate to have me. The look in his eyes as he’d watched me and the sound of his moans and ragged breathing.
And I felt aroused again, which was better than feeling empty, and I held on to that feeling all the way home.
I was tired enough to sleep. It turned out I was even more tired than I’d thought. I was exhausted. I climbed the stairs to my bedroom with Pango close behind me, stepped out of my jeans and fell onto my bed. I pulled the comforter over me so that I was lying on half of it and the other half covered me, and I tucked my face into it and let the abyss take me away.
Chapter Fifteen
“Kicks.”
I peeled my eyes open. Saw a blurry blob standing next to my bed. Closed them again. My head throbbed. “Oh. My. God.”
“Threw a few back last night, did we? You shouldn’t drink by yourself, Kicks.”
“I didn’t.” My voice felt like sandpaper vibrating along my vocal cords.
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No.” I was getting pissed that he was making me talk. The sound of my own voice made my head hurt, and my stomach roil.
“Are you sick?” He carefully sat on the bed next to me, placing the back of his hand against my forehead, then my cheeks. “You’re warm. I think you’re sick.”
“I’ll be fine.” I sat up. Took a few deep, slow breaths and the world came into focus. Still, I just wanted to crawl under the covers and hide. “I just need. . .”
He watched me, assessing. “What?”
Pango’s head appeared on the bed. I saw movement. Her tail was wagging, slowly, unsure.
I shook my head then regretted it. “Coffee. Please.”
“Okay. Get in the shower. I’ll make it.”
I nodded and regretted it again then closed my eyes against a ripple of pain. “Strong, Jack. Okay?”
“Is there any other way to make coffee?”
“Right.”
I felt his weight lift off the bed as he slowly climbed out of it. He headed toward the bathroom.
Pango hesitated in the doorway, looking back at me.
“It’s okay, pretty girl. Go with Jack.”
She turned and headed down the hall and down the staircase after Jack.
I turned the shower on cool to wake myself up. Could I be getting sick? But I knew better. I’d felt like this before, and it had been getting worse, with every session I had with Lucas. It felt like a hangover.
It was a hangover.
He was my bottle. My drug. This was the aftermath.
I stood under the cold spray for a few moments then adjusted the water to warm. I leaned my arms against the tile and lay my forehead on an arm, watching the water move between my feet. The feet that were finally starting to heal.
“Christ,” I murmured. This shit had to stop.
Why did I feel so bad after having sex with Lucas? Because he was bad for me? He was a person I shouldn’t have started having a sexual relationship with for too many reasons. He was also someone who tweaked all my abandonment issues. He was unavailable.
Just like me.
And he was my escape. It had turned into an addiction.
But I wasn’t quite ready to stop just yet. The thought of stopping sent fear and panic shivering through me.
Maybe I could just slow down.
Yeah. Right.
I finished my shower and dressed in a comfortable, soft pair of jeans and a turtleneck, and went downstairs to join Jack. The coffee smelled incredible.
“Feeling better?”
I filled a mug he had already placed next to the coffee pot for me.
“A little. Thanks.” I headed for the living room and my overstuffed sofa, curling up on one end with my mug resting on the arm.
&nb
sp; My cell sang out Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing. I glanced at it, snuck a guilty dog glance at Jack.
“Lucas.” It was a statement. Not a question.
“Uh huh.”
“Nice.”
“You have no idea,” I said. “Hey,” I said into the phone.
“They’ve found another one, Leah.”
I closed my eyes. Squeezed them tightly. “No.”
“I’m sorry.”
I looked at Jack and he read my mind.
“Oh, Christ. Not another one.”
“Where is she?” I asked Lucas.
“She was under the ice. Snowmobilers found her. Hudson River.”
I swallowed down tears as I listened to his directions. I knew where she was.
“They are processing the scene now,” he said. His voice sounded tired. Resigned.
For a long moment I said nothing.
“Leah?”
“Yeah.” The energy had seeped out of me. I stared at the floor.
“Are you okay? You don’t need to go there.”
“Yes,” I said. “I do.”
I had to go there. I had to see what the monster had done to this woman. The horror, the tragedy. The very reason I kept doing this fucking job, was for people like this woman. I wasn’t going to protect myself from it now.
I ended the call. Looked up at Jack.
He stood slowly. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Want to? No. Need to? Yes.”
“All right. Let’s go.”
***
She lay on top of the ice when we got there. I could see her dough white skin shimmering under gloom darkened sky, casting her with a slightly blue hue. Police, medical examiner and crime scene investigators worked morosely around her, trying to do whatever they could for her now that she was gone.
