by Derrick Jaxn
“I’m sorry. Who are you again?”
“I’m Shawn... I talked to you yesterday after math class.”
“Oh yeah, I remember now. Mr. Show Me a Thing or Two. Look, I’m in a rush, I have to go. Excuse me.” She turned away and left.
Plan C, D, E, and F went out the window. I broke character and said, “I just wanted to know if maybe we could talk sometime. I think you’re really pretty.”
She took a few more steps. Stopped. Then turned around. Slowly she began walking back towards me and with every step she sped up my heartbeat. I wasn’t quite sure if she was reconsidering or if I really pissed her off this time and was about to get assaulted.
She looked me in my eye as if she was searching for something and said, “You know, that’s probably the first genuine thing you’ve said to me so far.”
Embarrassed and impressed at her ability to see right through me, I just kept looking at her. I felt vulnerable.
“Well, don’t just stand there, ask me for my number. I don’t have all day.”
“Oh..um…right. Can I get your number?”
She looked at me with a motherly disappointment
“I meant, may I have your number……please?”
“Yes, you may.” she said triumphantly. She grabbed my phone and put her number in. “I’m going to be late to my class because of this so you better use it.” And then for the first time, she smiled.
Chapter 4
Game Changer
Jazmin was bouncing up and down. "So you'll never guess what happened! Lewis got me a promise ring today! Look!" She held out her hand for me to see.
"Promise what?"
"Promise that we'll always be together even when we're apart"
"Wait, so then what's a wedding ring?"
"That's different. This is just a promise ring. Stop being a hater. I think it's cute. Shows that he was thinkin' bout me."
"Ain't nobody hatin', I just don't see the point. You've known the dude three weeks and he already got you acting brand new."
"I mean, yeah, but that may not be a bad thing. It feels good to know I'm on his mind. I feel comfortable being a girly girl with him, like I don't have to always be so tough. He really cares about me. I think I'm in love." She stared back down at her hand, glowing with felicity.
"In love? You trippin'. But whatever. I mean if he was all'at then why his last girlfriend let em go?"
"Well, they were together for a while, but then the guilt of not being good enough for him began to eat at her conscience. So she broke up with him. He was really tore up about it for a while, but he knew something would come along better, and here I am!"
If I ever smelled bullshit before, there was no doubt I was stepping knee deep in it at that very moment. But there was nothing I could tell her. He paid for her dinner, let her tag him in Facebook pictures, held her hand in public, and all this other crazy stuff that only people in relationships do. Just didn’t make any sense.
"Well aight, good for you. Or congratulations? I mean, whatever. I'm happy for you. Look, I gotta go get my seat before my professor locks me out. I'll probably see you later on."
I walked off to my next class, still thinking about the news. I didn't know how to place the feeling. It wasn't necessarily jealousy, but more territorial. I had lingering hope of getting back to my flings, and this guy was making his stay less and less temporary. Promise rings. Respect. If he kept that up, she was never going to come back. Secretly, I was hoping it didn't work out, but I tried to play my position and be supportive.
We had convinced him I was like a “brother” so it wouldn't raise unnecessary suspicion. But it wasn't fair being the "other guy" without having "other guy" perks. I was lying and plotting to chill with Jazmin for no reason and getting nothing out of it. At least not what I wanted.
Until that point, I hadn't mentioned my dealings with Danielle to Jazmin. No particular reason. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like an opportunity to make her jealous. If not jealous, I could at least prove I wasn't tripping over her and her new lover. Even though I was. Hell, on some level, I was trying to prove it to myself.
Later that afternoon, I pulled up to Jazmin's apartment and saw her car there. The door was normally open for anyone to just walk in, but this time it wasn’t. I knocked a few times, waited, knocked again a little louder, and then put my ear to the door. I heard some thumping noise against the walls and faint moans. Yeah, it was a bad time. Either she was faking or he was drastically better than I was because she sounded a lot different than what I remember. I guess that was when I realized it was over. My main sex buddy was officially gone.
I went back to my apartment, flopped on the couch, and turned on the TV. Animal Planet was showing a cheetah in pursuit of the family dinner, and it reminded me of how I had to chase Danielle that day. Why couldn't she just cooperate like other girls and pretend I caught her off guard while making it obvious she wanted me?
I went into my phone to find her number but then I caught myself; it had only been a few hours since we met. If I texted now, I’d come off thirsty. Girls love a guy who doesn't care enough, at least that's how it seemed. I guess they can't want for attention they already have because as soon as they get it, they go to acquire more from someone who's not giving it to them.
I had some homework due the next day, so I did my due diligence by making sure my other chicks were aware that it was time to help me out. By help me out, I mean do it and have it printed and ready to turn in by the morning. So long as I kept them sexually satisfied, they kept the good grades coming.
Without having that on my plate to think about, it just freed up mental space for Danielle. She was a new breed, and I needed a completely different game plan going forward to deal with her.
I got tired of waiting so I went ahead and texted her; waited a couple seconds, no answer. The more I waited the more I couldn't imagine what else she had better to do than to reply to my text. Once again, I broke the code and did the unthinkable. I called her, but this was an emergency. She needed to hear the unsettling in my voice about her behavior. I wasn’t having it.
It rang at least six times before she picked up. I could tell by her voice that she was very comfortable, not breathing hard, or showing any other signs of rushing to the phone in case I called. Some nerve she had.
“Hey, wha’s good? Why you ain’t answer my text?”
“Is this Shawn?”
“Yeah, this is me. But answer my question. Why you ain’t-“ click
She hung up. Where the hell did she get off? I had to call one more time to make sure it was an accident, and if she hung up on me this time, I was deleting her number out of my phone and taking the L.
Phone ringing.
I heard her pick up and then silence. So I spoke first.
“Hello? Danielle?”
“Yes, this is she. Hi, how are you Shawn?”
Was this some kind of mind game? I thought. “I’m good. Is something wrong with your phone? It just hung up on me last time.”
“My phone is fine. Your tone wasn’t. You don’t call people just demanding stuff, at least not my phone you won’t.”
“I’m sorry, I got a little ahead of myself. I just wanted to know why you didn’t answer my text message,” I said, now finding myself using more of a proper accent for some reason. It came out of nowhere.
“Well, I saw it, but I was finishing up my homework. Besides, some things are just better when you wait for them.”
I felt her smiling through her voice. She was a step ahead of me no matter what, sometimes literally, but I could keep up. I couldn't put her in the rotation with the rest of the girls, but I liked where things were headed. Not being able to predict what was next all but satisfied my curiosity.
We went back and forth for hours. She was everything I didn’t expect: humble, funny, and single. She came from a wealthy family and was raised in the suburbs, unlike myself who grew up on a dirt road and didn’t even have c
able until 10th grade. She had only been in one relationship that ended mutually instead of in flames like in my past. She wasn’t damaged or poisoned by society’s image of a “bad bitch” and how she should aspire to be one. Danielle was as wholesome of a girl as I had come across outside of my own sisters. Normally, I can spot personality flaws from a mile away, but hers were well hidden. I could’ve worn Ray Charles’ glasses and still saw that this one was special.
I woke up the next morning wanting to pick up where we left off, but that would require a good morning text first. After the first time of talking to someone, you're never really sure if the impression is mutual, and I wasn't about to put myself out there to be shut down. She may have been unimpressed with me and already decided that the first conversation we had would be the last. Maybe she didn't think much about it at all and would act like it never happened.
Either way, I was still anxious to go to math class to find out and walked in to see she already had beat me there. She met my eyes with a welcoming smile. Didn't expect that. She had a vintage natural hairdo, something like Janelle Monae. White blouse and khaki high-waist pants. She didn't have on any make up but the lip gloss was confirmation that she was putting in a little more effort which I appreciated. Either she woke up feeling good or had me on her mind, and I conveniently assumed the latter. When I saw that she had used her books to save the seat beside her, my insides did the electric slide.
"Well, hello there. Don't you look lovely today? What's the occasion?" I said, looking for a confession of my unrelenting presence on her mind when she woke up.
"The occasion is that I'm alive and healthy. I try to look my best every day, but I can see I've fallen short by your tone."
"Oh no, I'm not saying that. You looked good before. I'm just saying that you look especially good today." Why do girls have that ability to turn any compliment into an insult? It's like we need a disclaimer before we can even be nice.
"I get it. I was just kidding. Take a joke."
" Oh okay. Is this seat for me or-"
"Yes, it's for you. I figured you were going to be late again and didn't want you getting stuck in the very back where you couldn't hear the professor. You do know that's where all the slackers sit, right?"
I was offended.
"Hey, nothing's wrong with being a slacker. They work hard to not do anything so that people like you can shine. Give them some credit. You need them."
"Oh whatever, I give them two years tops. Whoever it is doing their work for them will eventually find real boo's to do work for and they'll be so far behind that they'll get frustrated and fail out of college. And if they're playing sports, their grades will drop so low they'll be ineligible and won't have enough to pay tuition out of pocket so they might not even last two years."
"How you know?"
"It's common sense. Next thing you know they're back at home working at McDonald's, fighting child support, and telling their kids not to make the same mistakes they did. Do you want to end up like them?"
"Of course not."
"Then sit up front and pay attention. Oh, and you're welcome for your seat."
I had no choice but to do what she said; flipping burgers for a career wasn't exactly what I considered success. It just struck me how, in some small way, she actually seemed to care about me. I had forgotten what that felt like.
A few weeks had gone by and our conversation evolved discussing our views on politics, religion, and family. We hadn't discussed sex as much as I would have liked to, but in an effort to not be "that guy" I was going to wait for her to take the lead on that one. The lack of intimacy actually turned out to be a good thing. We always found a way to spend time together whether during lunch hours or after class. If there was a secluded place to go, we found it, and had those talks that made you late for everything else you had originally planned.
There was just one problem. The closer we got, the more I realized that she was way out of my league; the last time I checked, I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and eventually I’d have to break the bad news. The I'm just not ready for a relationship talk was tricky because no matter how gently you tried to put it, you were going to end up being the bad guy and every nice thing you said and did was now a lie. But you meant the bad things, and they know next time to not ignore them. Same ole' same.
That "talk" usually happened after we had sex and after they tried to lock me down first. Danielle was in neither category, but she was either going to dislike me now or really hate me later, so it needed to happen immediately.
I ran her hypothetical responses, both physical and verbal, through my mind, Googled a couple of motivational quotes, then drove to her dorm where she'd be waiting for me to pick her up.
We had our nightly getaways by the city lake in my '99 Grand Am; that way we weren’t in the privacy of my apartment and my car did more to turn girls off than on so it provided a safe ground for strictly non-physical interaction. We pulled up to our normal spot at the park, and while I still had my chest poked out, I went ahead and just spilled it.
“Danielle…there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“Like what?”
"First, promise me you won't hate me."
"No. Now what is it?"
"So you gonna hate me?"
"Depending on what it is and especially if you keep beating around the bush. Now tell me. What is it?"
“All right. Well, here's the thing. I really like you. I think you’re cool. I find you attractive and I enjoy kickin’ it with you.”
“Okay?”
“I’m just not ready to feel this way…yet. One day, I probably will but not right now. I got scars that need to heal, memories that need to be forgotten, and a bunch of other baggage you don’t need. I can’t settle down with you yet. I just can’t.”
"Hold on a second. I'm not asking you to settle down with me. I thought we were just getting to know each other."
"Yeah, we are...right now. But what happens when you fall in love with me? Then you're not going to want to leave me alone and it's going to be too late because you'll already be hooked."
"Shawn, is this one of your jokes?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm serious."
"Well, I think I can manage not getting 'hooked', but as for the rest, I’m not trying to push you into a relationship. I like you as much as you like me and I don’t know what makes you say all this, but if you’re not ready, then that’s fine. We can’t be ready until both of us are ready, and that’s what matters.''
"So you're not mad?"
"No, am I supposed to be?"
"I'm not saying that. I just figured you would-"
"Would be like all the other girls you told you wasn't ready for a relationship? Well, no, I'm not. As long as you can be honest with me about how you feel, take whatever time you need. I'm not going anywhere any time soon."
I felt her forehead to see if she had a fever. Nope. She was actually in her right mind.
I had gotten so used to dealing with dimes that a diamond was before me and I didn’t know how to handle it. Guys like me weren’t supposed to talk to girls like this.
I mean, in a perfect world, a relationship would be nice; a part of me was willing to go for it, but the rest of me remembers what it felt like the last time I did and branded serious relationships as something I needed to do when I was about 50, not 18. My last attempt at a relationship was back in high school but the lesson I learned from it was permanent: Life is a game that'll defeat anyone who refuses to play. I had developed quite a system to win, and so far it was working for me. But why does it seem like all the right people come at all the wrong times?
Chapter 5
Game Over
For about the next month or so, Jazmin and I became distant. We texted often, but when I mentioned coming over just to speak, she stopped replying. I could do without overhearing her and Lewis knockin' the boots so coming over again unannounced was out of the question.
I was cu
rious as to whether or not she told him the truth about who we used to be to each other, but I knew better. She was more adamant about forgetting that ever happened than I was. I never had feelings for Jazmin, but on some level I missed her presence. Sometimes you might not have an emotional connection with a person, but just having them around makes things better.
She was a rare breed, but the prototype for who I wanted in my circle. We could talk about anything and almost always were on the same page. She was like a homeboy put in a dream girl's body, and because there were no feelings involved, I didn't mind trusting her. My heart wasn't hers to break and her apathy for me gave me comfort.
At minimum, I wanted to see how my friend was doing and what she was up to. So, I started taking different routes to and from class, hoping that I'd just run into her, and got lucky one day. I caught her leaving class walking to her car.
“Hey yo, Jaz, what’s up!? Where you been hiding girl?” I said, grinning, trying not to be so obvious about speeding up to cut her off from opening her car door.
“Well, hello, Mr. Shawn, I have been hiding in class. That's what we're in school for," she smirked. “How about you? You still cuttin' up, huh?"
"Actually no, I've been chilling. I don't even go out anymore unless it's with Danielle."
"That's the new girl, right? So she made it past two weeks? She must be special."
“Yeah, she really is. I don’t wanna get my hopes up though. Anyway, how’s what’s-a-face treating you?"
“Lewis. And he's treating me great," she said, holding up her ring finger.
“Wow! A new promise ring. Nice."
"No, silly, it's an engagement ring. He asked me to marry 'em." she forced a smile and looked down.
"You sure sound excited."
"I mean I am. I guess it's just happening a little fast for me."
"When'd he propose?"
"Last month. We were celebrating his game-winning shot at Waffle House. He went over to the jukebox, put on a nice slow song, and then got on one knee. But I just bought the ring yesterday though."
