by Derrick Jaxn
I started up the Grand Am and pulled off. At first I didn’t have a destination; I just needed to get away. I could go to my sister’s house, but that’d require an explanation and I really didn’t feel like talking. Since football camp was a few weeks away, I decided to just drive the two hours back to campus and find a place to lay my head.
I ran every red light through downtown to the highway. Luckily, it was about four in the morning so there wasn’t any traffic. My thoughts were skipping worse than an old CD player.
Did my mother just side with this man she met 4 years ago over me? My world was flipped upside down. Memories of my childhood of me in kindergarten, going to my first day in school, and times I gave her homemade birthday cards began sending piercing pains through my chest. Those times alone should've been enough for her to have my back.
And then I thought about his words, You gone look back and realize I was right about you. For the first time in my life, I hated someone. I glanced down at the dashboard and caught myself going 120 miles per hour in a car that was in desperate need of new tires, so I slowed down. The I-85 north was dark and monotonous, forcing me to focus on everything I didn’t want to realize.
I thought to myself, So this is what it feels like to be an orphan. Because that's how it seemed. Over dramatic? Maybe. But it hurt like hell. I cried, then I sucked it up, then I cried again. I needed somebody to come and explain to me what the hell was going on. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to give up. But I just kept driving.
I finally made it back near campus and my gas light reminded me of another grim reality. I was broke. Usually, I could squeeze about 20 more miles after the gas hand hit zero and I was close to campus, so I went ahead and pulled into a Wal-Mart parking lot nearby. If I needed a bathroom or other daily amenities, this was about as close to the Hilton as I’d get.
After three hours of sleep and one hell of an emotional night, I was exhausted. I took some sweats out my duffle bag, folded them up, and used them as a pillow. Let the seat all the way back and took the key out the ignition. The sun was on its way up, but broad daylight was no match for how much I needed to close my eyes and mentally exhale.
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I woke up a few hours later, checked my phone, saw three missed calls from Danielle. We always started the day off with my good morning text, a reply if she beat me to it, so she had to know something was up. My pride was telling me to keep this to myself; nobody needed to know I was put out on my ass and basically disowned by my mother.
I texted her back.
Sorry I missed your text. That was some good sleep. Lol.
She replied,
Oh well, that's good you got some rest. I didn't. I had a bad dream something happened to you. Can you talk?
Well, so much for getting out of that one. I never believed in dreams being like premonitions, but this was quite the coincidence. Before I could find her number in my contacts, I got her incoming call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Superman. You busy?” Superman was her pet name she picked out for me one night we were cuddling. I picked her out one too, but I realized how Twilight-ish it sounded so I rarely used it.
“Nah, just at Wal- Mart picking up a few things. What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to call. You sound like something’s wrong. You okay?”
Damn am I that obvious? I thought. I was holding it together pretty well all things considered. This was my girl though. If there was anybody I could go to, it was her. I didn’t like lying to her, and she’d eventually find out anyway.
“Yeah, I am. Okay…no, I’m not,” I admitted.
“What happened?”
“A lot. Last night Mr. Macklin and Momma got into it and they kicked me out.”
“Hold on, why did they kick you out? What did you have to do with it?”
“I’m not really sure, I think it had something to do with me asking Mr. Macklin for books or something. I don’t know. All I know is, in the middle of the night I got woke up and 20 minutes later I was packing my things.” I looked outside to make sure no one was watching. Parking lots are good for making a person paranoid.
“What about your mom? She didn’t stop him?”
“No, she helped him. He was kicking us both out but then she… Look I don’t wanna talk about this right now. I got a lot on my mind.”
"Then she what?"
"I said I don't wanna talk about it."
“Okay, I’m sorry. Where are you?”
“I told you, I’m at Wal-Mart. That’s where I’m staying until I can get in touch with somebody.”
“Superman, you can’t stay there. It’s dangerous and you need to eat. I’m going to send you some money.”
“No, don’t do that.”
“Why? You need to eat.”
“Just…don’t. I gotta figure this out on my own.” The last thing I needed was another hand out. My pride was shot, I was still angry, but too fragile to trust someone's help.
“Superman, let me help you. It’s really not a problem. I’ll just give you enough to last you until you get a place to stay,” she said. I don’t care how much money she had, my pride was about all that was keeping me going, and I couldn’t abandon that now.
“I said no. I’ll talk to you later. I gotta go.” I hung up.
I didn’t want anybody else giving me something they could take away. Not money, things, or even love. If I didn’t already have it, I must not need it.
Looking in my glove compartment, I found $20 I had stashed away for emergencies. I had another $7 in my wallet, and $1.75 in quarters that had dropped in between the seats. If I budgeted just right, I knew I could stretch it over the next two weeks and make it to football camp where they’d serve food then. Hell, I didn't have a choice.
I dug in my duffle bag and grabbed my toothbrush and wash cloth, then walked into Wal-Mart. It wasn't overly crowded, just a few elderly shoppers having their weekly thrill of pushing around the shopping buggy before the working world got off.
It was mid afternoon and I still had morning breath, so I immediately went over to the cosmetics section and snatched up some toothpaste. I had never stolen anything, but I feel like God was giving me a pass on this one. Besides, He told me to treat others how I wanted to be treated, and I'd hate it if anyone gathered the audacity to talk to me with breath like mine.
I went to the bathroom and killed my dragon. I didn't have the luxury of a shower, so a toilet stall would have to do. I wet my rag, put some hand soap in it, and scrubbed the hot spots(armpits and genitals). When the coast was clear, I ran out, rinsed the rag, and wiped one more time. That was the hygiene routine from then on.
Still hungry and needing to pinch every penny possible, I started plotting on the produce section. The plums never looked so juicy and the apples were practically taunting me. I grabbed a stranded cart nearby to pretend I was casually shopping, then loaded a few in.
The camping section toward the very back was always empty so I knew I could count on enough privacy for a quick meal there.
Casually, I walked through the store whistling and pretending to browse along the way, and when I got to the back, I ate the fruit like table-manners were my nemesis.
They were sweeter than candy, hitting all the right spots to my aching stomach. When I was done, I neatly stashed the seeds behind a tent that was on display. You know, out of courtesy.
I walked back outside and sat in the car; of course, the sun would be at full strength. It was a little too much to ask that a cloud find its way between us, but I wasn't complaining. It beat sitting under a bridge any day.
A few days went by and the employees were starting to recognize me. I could tell by the stares and cutting eyes when I walked in. I had to change up my sleeping pattern so I could go in during different shifts. Made sure I changed clothes and moved my car to different areas to throw any suspicious minds off from realizing I had set up camp at Wal-Mart.
I didn’t get out of the car much. The las
t thing I needed was anybody from school to recognize me and put me on blast for being a car roof away from homeless.
On the bright side, it gave me time to dwell a bit and mentally organize myself.
Danielle was growing increasingly worried about me, and Momma had even called a few times. Probably trying to wish me a happy birthday. I refused to answer. There was no way I could bring myself to hear her voice after what it meant the last time I did.
A part of me wondered what happened the rest of the night between them and the other part of me was still hurting from the fact she didn’t come to my defense whether they had decided I was wrong or not. That was my momma. I was her son. I wasn't the only one she had, but she was the only one I had. She was supposed to be there for me.
Feeling alone was becoming less and less a strange feeling and I began reconsidering what I thought I knew about love. It's misleadingly great because the more of it you have the more there is to lose. And when you lose it, it hurts like hell.
I could see why Eminem bashed his mother. Not because he’s hateful, but because he believed in a love he at some point realized he didn’t have. I wasn’t able to go as far as bashing mine, but I could relate.
Jazmin and I spoke every other week or so and this wasn’t that week. I woke up and didn’t see Danielle's good morning wishes, so I went ahead and texted her first. She was the only person I was communicating with since I had gotten kicked out.
I went inside and cleaned myself up, got some more fruits and vegetables, and came back to lie in the car. I still didn’t see a text reply. It wasn’t like her to not hit me back, especially with what had happened. I wasn't about to stress it though.
Since I never quite got a full night’s rest in the driver’s seat, I could always go for another nap anyway. As soon as I began dozing off I heard an engine pull up in the parking spot next to mine. I was in the far side of the lot and had managed to stay out of sight thus far, so I started getting nervous.
I guess I couldn’t expect to hide forever. In Alabama, the police were looking for a reason to harass a black man who looked like he was down on his luck.
I returned the seat to full position so I could see who it was, and Danielle was standing outside my window.
“Well, are you gonna just sit there and stare or are you going to let me in?” she said, smiling from ear to ear.
I smiled back, doing so for the first time in a week. I was so surprised, my words were all fighting to get out at once and couldn’t. There was a rush of energy flowing back to me; my heartbeat sped up, and I had forgotten all about my scruffy appearance. I found the unlock button and pressed it to let her in. She jumped in and all but broke my neck hugging me.
“Supermaaaan!!!!” she yelled. “I missed you so much. Are you okay?” she said, using the same outside voice she used before.
“Yeah, I’m fine. When did you get here? Why didn’t you tell me you were-“
“I just got here a few hours ago and came straight from the airport. You said you were at Wal-Mart and this is the closest one to school. I knew if I told you I was coming, you’d just talk me out of it so….I didn’t.”
Interesting. Maybe God was showing me he hadn’t forgotten about me. I always believed He placed people in my life for a reason, and hers was all too clear to me at that moment. She was my partner, and partners always have each other's back.
“Well, it's good to see you. I missed you so much. You really didn’t have to fly all the way down here though, Danielle.”
“I know I didn’t, but I wasn’t about to let you stay in this dirty parking lot. I got a hotel room for us up the street and we still need to celebrate your birthday. We can go there so you can-“
“No.”
She cocked her head to one side.“No what?”
“I’m not going to a hotel. I’ll be fine here until football camp starts, only a few more days anyway.”
“Superman, why won’t you let me help you?”
“Because I can’t go through life depending on people. It’s time for me to grow up and be a man. Stand on my own two. I’ll be fine right here.” My pride was butting in.
“Well, I’m staying here with you then,” she said as she leaned over and put her head on my chest. “If you don’t wanna stay in a hotel, then I don’t wanna stay in one either.”
I didn’t know if she was calling my bluff or what, but something about that touched me. There was no way I could let her sleep in a car, though, not on my account. If she was going to be that stubborn then I would just have to give in and go to the hotel. I put the key in the ignition and started the car.
She raised her head and looked at me. “Where are you going?”
“We are going to the hotel. No need in wasting a perfectly good room.” Just the feeling of her lying on my chest had my hormones waking up and stretching from the nap they took in her absence. She looked back at me and smiled.
Chapter 7
The Good, The Bad, and The I'll Open My Eyes When It's Over
Going back to school was a completely different experience. Never before had I been so motivated to prove someone wrong with the level of determination I had this time. While I was fueled by negative experiences, the outcome was positive.
I was focused more in the classroom, doing my own work and seeing my professors in their offices to debate the chapters. My football stats went through the roof and I was becoming a household name on campus for the plays I made. I had even begun reconciling my differences with Momma after pressure from my sisters, but knowing her husband on any level was a thing of the past. Mr. Macklin was as good as dead to me. My only ray of sanity left was in my relationship with God and Danielle and I had no problem with that. I had a newfound appreciation for her and what she brought to the table.
I was so in love that I never felt like I was doing enough to give her the same euphoric feeling she gave me. It kept me on my P's and Q's, always trying to make her smile harder than the time before.
I explored loving her more creatively by surprising her with celebrations of anniversaries as simple as the first time we held hands, just to give me a reason to cater to her. Most of those celebrations consisted of overnight bubble baths, massages, and passionate sex, sometimes playful teasing with different edibles, other times poems I would write and memorize to recite in front of her friends to her. And she ate it up every single time.
I loved her deeper mentally and emotionally. I set aside time uninterrupted by any other obligation just to listen to and understand her more. I made it a habit to let her vent about her day while I rubbed her feet and greased her scalp. Sometimes, it bored the shit out of me, but I managed to find questions to keep her talking so she could feel like I was interested.
When she got off late from her part-time job at Sonic, I came and sat in the parking lot until she came out so I could escort her home safely. I was willing to protect her by any means necessary, and somewhat even anxious for a chance to.
I was still college student broke. Scraping pennies was the norm and I'd be damned if I ever walked past a nickel I saw lying on the ground. But she didn't mind. Most females wouldn't give the time of day to a brother with no job regardless of his potential, but she never made it an issue. Top Ramen noodles with hotdog slices, strong wifi signal, a Netflix movie, and we were good to go for an evening full of quality time that beat going to any five-star restaurant out there.
Going into the second year of our relationship, we decided to move in together to keep from paying two sets of bills when all we did was sleep over at the other’s place anyway. We wanted to make it as close to a traditional household as possible, so I agreed to pay the bills with my school refund check, and she could handle the groceries and furniture.
I couldn’t wait till the day when I could just tell her, “Baby don’t worry, I got this. Keep your money and go buy yourself something nice,” but in the interest of reality, I just didn’t have it like that. Splitting the bills would also free up a little sp
ace in my budget to start saving for a ring.
I had finally gotten to a point where I was ready to settle down and get married. I wanted the wedding, I wanted a small house we could renovate together with occasional quickies, I wanted to pick out baby names and argue about who's features would make the cutest baby. I wanted it all. It just seemed right. Well, everything except the money. But I figured if I started saving early, maybe I could have a decent down payment for a ring by the time we graduated two years later. Oh, and I would have to earn her mother's blessing...somehow.
We less than hit it off the first time I talked to her. Not sure if it was something I said, but eventually, I figured she'd come around. She'd see, just like the rest of the world, my love for her daughter was real and undeniable. That's what any parent should want for their child.
Jazmin and I still kept in touch via Facebook and text message, but I had not seen her for months now. From the pictures, she looked happy and equally in love as I was. A part of me missed the emotionally-detached conversation I could have with a girl who wanted nothing from me, but neither of our situations were going to facilitate that friendship any longer.
I had yet to introduce her to Danielle, but I didn’t see much of a purpose since we were barely even on "Hey, how you been?" terms. Danielle would want to know of any friendship I had with a girl, but telling her about this one and at this point was only going to raise unnecessary eyebrows that I could do without. It bothered me because I had to try to erase my tracks the few times I did message or text Jazmin, something I hated making a habit of. I didn’t realize just how much of a mistake this would turn out to be.
Danielle met some new friends at her job who were all too curious about what exactly it was that kept her so happily in love with me and what she did to get me whipped. I didn’t mind at first, it even made me proud to give her something to brag about. But spectators belong in the stands, not on the court. Or else there's chaos and everyone loses.
