“Anytime.” He leaned on the table, propping up his head on his hand. “So. What was your dream about?”
“Peter, of all things.” I furrowed my brows in disgust. “Isn’t that strange?”
“Not really. You’ve been worrying about him since Jack bit you. It’s only logical that it would manifest itself in your dreams.” Milo sounded so matter-of-fact, and it made me feel relieved.
In the back of my mind, I hadn’t been entirely certain that Peter biting me had been a dream, but I couldn’t see any other explanation for it. The way Milo said it, it sounded like the only conclusion I could come to. Obviously, all my thinking and worrying about him had come out that way. It didn’t mean anything except that I was paranoid.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I nodded.
“Has Jane said anything to you?” Milo asked carefully. “Have you even seen her in school?”
“Yes, and yes.” I chewed the last part of my steak and swallowed hard, then settled back in my seat.
“She knows you guys are vampires. Well, at least you and Jack, and Lucian and Violet. I don’t really know how she’s taking it. She hasn’t really talked to me since.”
“Hmm.” He looked down at the table, thinking something over.
“What?”
“Nothing. I just hope she does okay with everything,” Milo looked back up at me and smiled.
“Knowing her, she’ll probably just solve the problem with sex and drinking, and forget that it even happened.”
“That is probably her plan,” I agreed.
Whenever I had seen at her school, she acted like her same old self. She was always flirting with a guy, or strutting somewhere and glaring at me. After a couple weekends getting blacked out drunk, she’d probably kill any brain cells that remembered vampires. They were in the clear.
“On the subject of how people take things…” I shifted uncomfortably, surprised that I was getting nervous just broaching the subject of Jack. “How is Jack doing?”
“He’s been kind of… stand-offish lately,” Milo answered carefully. “I think he’s really been beating himself up over what happened.”
“Regrets are always a fun thing.” I looked down at my mostly empty plate, pushing around a few piece of rice stuck to it.
There was a lump growing in my throat. I knew that he regretted it the second after it was over, and it killed. No matter his reasoning for it, there’s nothing more painful that knowing the most meaningful thing I had ever felt was just another regret to the person I shared it with.
“Alice, you know he just doesn’t want you to get hurt,” Milo told me gently.
“Everyone keeps saying that don’t want to hurt me. It’s just so funny that the only way they can succeed in not hurting me is by hurting me.” I stood up and took my plate to the sink.
“Nothing is that cut and dried. At least not when you’re dealing with vampires.”
“Thanks for making me supper and everything, but I need to get some rest if I have any hope of going to school tomorrow.” I leaned against the kitchen sink, purposely not looking at him. I felt like crying, and I wanted to just stop thinking about all this stuff and go back to bed. It would be so much easier that way.
“I know you’re just trying to politely get rid of me, but you’re right anyway.” Milo stood up, and I felt him hesitating before he left. He was trying to think of something to make me feel better, but even he fell short for a change. “Call me if you need anything. Okay?”
“Will do.”
Once he left, I started crying, and I didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t like how it felt being alone in the apartment all the time, and I wished that I hadn’t asked him to leave. It was just because I didn’t want him to see me cry or know how upset I really was, but I don’t know why it mattered if he saw it. Milo saw everything.
My solution was going to bed. The only cure for being sad and tired was rest and time, and sleeping accomplished both of those. Thankfully, I managed to wake up to my alarm the next day, and I blundered through another day at school. Jane glared at me in the halls, the teachers ignored me, and I slept in class when I had the chance. After school, Milo text messaged to check on me, but I heard nothing from Jack, and my lack of invitation to their house continued. When I went to bed that night at 8:30, I tried to pretend that my life wasn’t so bad. That this was good enough for me.
Chapter 22
Unfortunately, I woke up the next morning feeling better. That doesn’t sound like a bad thing, but I was kind of hoping that I would just sleep through the rest of my life, and then maybe, I wouldn’t notice how much it sucked. My body had finally decided to respond to all the rest and pills I had been popping, and while I wasn’t exactly energetic, I felt much more like a normal human being.
It was a Saturday, but I woke up at ten in the morning, which felt much too early to me. Still, with my recent almost-burst-of-energy, I decided to put it to good use. Blasting out the radio, I went about the house, picking up the mess I had somehow managed to leave everywhere even though I had been mostly immobile.
Whenever I had done anything over the last few days, I had just thrown it aside, so there clothes and pop cans everywhere. I’m a little surprised that Mom hadn’t busted down my door and threatened to evict me.
I scrubbed the kitchen floors. I went over the tiles in the bathroom with an old toothbrush to get the mildew. I reorganized my CD collection. I even went into Milo’s room and tried to straighten up what was left of his things. The stuff he had left here didn’t really matter anymore, at least not to him, but I couldn’t exactly throw it away either. Mom thought he was still coming home, and it would be suspicious if I got rid of all of his earthly possessions.
His things had started collecting dust, and there was something incredibly sad about that. It was like the nail on the coffin of the life we had. My future was still up for grabs, but his fate was sealed. In most ways, I had come to terms with that, but with Jack currently freezing me out, the isolation of my life felt even more intense.
After the apartment looked cleaner than it ever had before, even with Milo cleaning it, I had nothing else to do. I had occupied myself for the better part of the day, but the sun had just begun to set, and that’s when the terrible loneliness started. I had gotten used to spending my days alone, but the nights didn’t seem to get any easier. As of late, I had been able to fill them with sleep, but with that infernal fatigue finally gone, I had nothing to busy myself with on a Saturday night. I was rather pathetic when I thought about it.
I took a shower, then tried to find a way to relax. I put on some comfy pajamas and put the New Pornographers album in my stereo. Curling up in bed and reading a good book would be the perfect way to pass the evening, and it would help keep me from noticing how very slowly time passed. I flopped back in bed and reached over onto my nightstand for Peter’s book, but my hand came up empty. The book wasn’t there.
Confused, I got out of bed and started rooting around for it. It wasn’t on the floor around the nightstand, and since I had cleaned, there weren’t even dirty clothes on my bedroom floor for it to hide under. I laid on my belly and squeezed under my bed, which was still pretty full of dust bunnies and random garbage as well as a dirty sock or two, but no book.
My search was interrupted by Milo’s familiar ringtone playing Bright Eyes. Instantly, the book was forgotten. I scrambled on my knees to the nightstand and grabbed my phone. A text from Milo wasn’t as exciting as one from Jack, but maybe they were ending the embargo. Or at least Milo might want to see me, and that had to be far better than spending the next twenty-four hours in bed.
Jane keeps calling me. She’s drunk. Milo text messaged.
I’m sorry? I replied, unsure of what exactly he hoped I would do about it.
I can’t talk to her. I just make it worse. Milo responded, but that still didn’t explain what he expected me to do.
Then don’t talk to her. It seemed pretty obvious to me.
Can you
talk to her? She’s making weird threats.
Like what? My heart raced and fell at the same time. He wasn’t texting me to talk to me. I was supposed to clean up his mess, but strangely, that made me feel special.
Stuff about “exposing” us. I don’t know. Can you try reasoning with her? Milo suggested.
I’ll see what I can do.
I sighed and ran my finger through my hair, trying to get the dust bunnies from under my bed from unsticking to my damp hair. I climbed up off the floor and sat on my bed. Text messaging would be out of the question. Jane was probably drunk and at a party or something, so her typing and reading skills would be sorely lacking. They always kind of were, but when mixed with alcohol, they were illegible. My best bet would be to call her and try to distract her long enough for her to pass out or hook up with somebody. So it would probably take about five minutes.
“What the hell do you want?” Jane slurred loudly into the phone. I could hear music playing in the background and there were laughter and voices mixing with it.
“Nothing. I just wanted to talk.” I had started shouting too, but I wasn’t sure if I really needed too.
It was loud on her end, not mine.
“Are you with those damn blood suckers? They sent you, didn’t they?” Her voice got an edge to it, an admittedly fuzzy one thanks to the alcohol, but it was clear that she was suspicious of my intentions. Also, she was talking very loudly in what sounded like a room full of people.
“They didn’t ‘send’ me anywhere. I’m at home, just sitting in my room. I called to see what you were up to,” I explained calmly. It was a Saturday night and I wasn’t doing anything. It would be perfectly reasonable for me to try and find a party. That’s what other high school kids did, right?
“Yeah, right.” Jane made some kind of hallow laugh that sounded more like a cackle, and there was a banging sound where I’m pretty sure she dropped the phone for a second. “Are you with Milo? You tell your brother that he can’t just leave me hanging like this. I’m an attractive girl, you know! I can’t wait around forever him!”
“I don’t really know what you’re talking about, but I’ll be sure to pass along the message,” I sighed.
“Why doesn’t he want me, Alice?” Jane pleaded, and it sounded like she had started to cry. In the background, I heard a guy yell something about wanting her, but she turned her head away from the phone and shouted, “Shut up, you stupid ass!” When she spoke into the phone again, she sobbed, “I just don’t understand what I have to do make him want me!”
“Jane, he’s gay. That’s a pretty big obstacle,” I told her as gently as I could.
“So what are you saying? Like sex change?” She sniffled and thought about it for a second.
“That’s expensive, but I think I could do that. Then he’d want me?”
“I think you should just forget about Milo,” I advised her carefully. “It sounds like you’re at a party with a lot of other guys, and you can pretty much get any guy you want. There’s no reason for to worry about Milo.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Jane snapped. “You don’t think I don’t know how hot I am? I do. But I can’t stop thinking about Milo! I can’t! You don’t know what this is like!”
“I think I do,” I muttered to myself. My apartment was cleaner than it had ever been before because I was trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t think about Jack. It hadn’t worked as well as I would’ve liked, but it was better than nothing.
“I don’t know what to do!” Jane wailed, pulling me from my thoughts on Jack. “I don’t think I can live without him! Really, Alice. I’m trying… and I just can’t do it!” She was crying hard, and I had never heard her this upset about anything before, not even when she was drunk.
“Jane, where are you at?” Obviously, just giving her a quick pep talk on the phone wasn’t working. This was much deeper than that.
“Why do you care?” Jane retorted.
“Jane, just tell me where you are.” I got up off the bed and rummaged through my closet, looking for something that I could just throw on so I looked presentable to the rest of the world.
“I’m at Dan Kelly’s house,” Jane answered almost reluctantly. She sighed rather dramatically. “I’ll be around if you can make it here.” Then she clicked off the phone.
Dan Kelly had dated Jane when we were fourteen, and he only lived a few blocks away from me, so I knew exactly where he lived. Hurriedly, I changed into a pair of jeans and purple top. I ran a brush through my hair, trying to detangle the dust from it, but I decided to forgo the make up.
There wasn’t really anybody I wanted to impress. I was just going to get Jane, talk some sense into her, and then… and then I don’t know.
That was as far I had thought through.
I tucked my phone into my pocked and darted out of the apartment. There had been an early morning rain that had turned into a dense fog as the night rolled in. On top of it was a distinct chill that made me wish I had a grabbed a sweater or a jacket before leaving, but I figured that if I walked quickly, I could stay warm anyway. The street lights cast eerily across the fog, making it shadows visible in the air.
I heard the party before I saw it, but that wasn’t really unusual even when there wasn’t fog. Much to my surprise, Jane was standing out in front of the house, smoking a cigarette with her cell phone pressed up to her ear. She was babbling something about being the hottest thing sliced bread, so I assumed she was talking to Milo.
“Jane,” I said, walking across the lawn towards her. She shook her head and waved me away, but I kept going. “Jane, what are you doing?”
“Answer the damn phone!” Jane shrieked into her phone. “I know that you’re there!”
“Jane, it’s voicemail. He can’t hear you,” I explained calmly.
“They sent you.” Jane flicked her phone shut, then looked at me evenly through her blood-shot eyes.
Mascara and eye-liner made streaks down her cheeks, and her bright red lip gloss had smeared across her face. I had never seen her look quite so terrible before. “Just like I said.”
“Nobody sent me. You sounded horrible on the phone. I’m just worried about you.” I reached out to touch her, but she shied away from me and shook her head.
“I don’t need your damn pity.” Her cigarette had burned down to the filter, so she tossed it on the grass and pulled another one of her bra. When she wore get-ups like the one she wore now, she tended to store her cigarettes and cell phone in her bra. The rest of her skimpy skirt and tight top didn’t allow for any storage room.
“I’m not giving you any.” I crossed my arms on my chest, trying to look defiant in some way.
“So did you come here to gloat then?” She exhaled smoke in my face and tried to glare at me.
“I have nothing to gloat about.” I coughed and waved the smoke out of my face. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“You have no idea what this is like.” She chewed the inside of her cheek and shook her head. “It’s like I can still feel him inside of me, and not in a way I’ve ever felt before. He’s under my skin, and I can’t shake him, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I know exactly what that feels like, Jane,” I corrected her. “Exactly.”
“What are you talking about?” Her expression was skeptical, but she started to soften.
“I don’t really wanna get into everything right now, but… it’s Saturday night, and I have nowhere else to be right now. Nobody has called me in days.” I tried to shrug it off, but it stung worse saying it aloud. It had actually been almost a week since I’d last talked to Jack, and just thinking it made me sick to my stomach.
“So why do you look better than I do?” Jane eyed me over, and gave me her highest form of compliment.
“Honestly, I don’t know. Except that I haven’t been drinking.” The only thing I had over her was that I had more practice with trying to pretend like everything about vampires didn’
t freak me out.
“We could go fix that.” Jane gave me a wicked smile and nodded towards the house. “I’m sure there’s a drunk guy in there that would just love to feel you up.”
“That is probably true, but I don’t think that’s the answer.”
Last time I had gotten drunk, I had gotten myself in a situation and then Jack had to come save me. While having him saving again did sound very inviting, I had a feeling that this time he wouldn’t. From here on out, it seemed like I was going to be on my own.
“Come on.” I took step backwards and nodded in the direction of my house. “Let’s go back to my place. We can watch bad Lifetime movies all night long. It’s far more therapeutic than drunk dialing.”
“I think I’d much rather finish off that bottle of vodka, and see what Dan is up to.” She looked longingly back at the house, then glanced back at me. “You’re more than welcome to join me.”
“No, come on, Jane.” I wanted to grab her arm and drag her back with me, but I stayed where I was and tried to think of a convincing argument. “Don’t you ever have enough of that?”
“You don’t have to approve, but this is my life, okay?” Jane replied harshly. “I don’t know what the hell you do to get you through the night, but this is how I cope. And I’m not gonna change it just cause you don’t approve.”
“Whatever,” I grumbled, but she actually had a point. “You just gotta stop calling Milo, okay? He’s not gonna talk to you, and nothing you can say or do will ever change his mind.”
“I know,” Jane breathed shakily. “And that’s why I need another drink.”
“But you won’t call him anymore?” I asked her as she turned to walk into the house.
“Scouts’ honor!” Jane crossed her finger over her heart as she walked precariously in her heels.
“I’ll even delete his number from my phone!”
Even after she’d gone in the house, I stood out in the fog, debating on what I should do next. I had really wanted her to come with me, but mostly for my own selfish reasons. Spending another night alone sounded like torture, and I couldn’t even find Peter’s book to keep my company. I thought about calling to Milo to let him know mission accomplished and to see if he had taken the book for some reason, but then I decided I against it.
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