by Banks, Maya
“He wanted a divorce. He demanded one,” she said painfully.
“Holy fuck,” Garrett hissed. “Has he lost his goddamn mind? He said all this tonight? After you almost went over a fucking bridge?”
Garrett’s face was getting redder by the minute. He looked like he was about to explode, and she rushed to diffuse the situation.
“I’m explaining this badly. No, not tonight. Oh God, Garrett. I think I’m losing my mind.”
Sam leaned forward, his voice soft and even. “Take your time, honey. Back up and tell us everything.”
She dragged a hand through her hair. She was so tired. Just hours before she’d felt like she could conquer the world. She’d been happy. She’d been secure in Ethan’s love. Finally she’d thought her life was back on track, and now everything was so messed up.
“Were we happy?” she asked. “Did you think Ethan and I were happy? I mean before I died.”
Neither answered, and maybe they thought it was a rhetorical question. She sighed and continued on.
“I’ve been having these dreams. Nightmares really. In all of them Ethan is angry. So angry. He’s shouting. I’m bewildered and feel helpless. I wondered if my insecurities were just manifesting themselves in my dreams because Ethan has been so perfect since he rescued me. Everything has been so . . . perfect. I’ve wanted to tell him I love him, but the thought always terrified me. Something always held me back. Tonight, though, I finally told him, and he was so overcome. And then I went to sleep and had the most horrible nightmare again.”
“What is your nightmare?” Sam asked gently.
“More shouting. More anger. The knowledge that he hates me. He was shoving these papers at me.”
Remembering that she’d stuck them into the waistband of her sweatpants, she pulled them out now and held them in trembling hands.
“I got up to look for them because in the dream it felt like my world was coming to an end when I saw them. Now I know why.”
“What are they?” Garrett asked quietly.
Tentatively she held them out and he took them from her. Sam got up to switch on the lamp, and she blinked at the sudden wash of light.
Garrett stared at the papers in disbelief while Sam read over his shoulder with a similar look of incredulity.
Garrett looked back up at her. “These are dated before . . . before you left. What the hell?”
“Am I living a lie, Garrett? He said some terrible things before I left. I don’t remember everything. God, I wish I did. I only have bits and pieces, but he was so angry. He wanted out. He accused me of having an affair with you.”
“Holy fuck,” Sam muttered.
Garrett was still gaping at her like he couldn’t wrap his brain around the accusation.
“Jesus, no. We never had an affair, Rachel. I swear it. It wasn’t even a thought. Shit, you’re like my little sister. And it was always Ethan for you. Since the day you two met there was never anyone else for you. It was the same for him, or at least I thought so.”
“I don’t know what to do.” She hated the miserable, helpless feeling those words evoked. “He threw those papers at me the day I left for South America. I left with the knowledge that my marriage was over. And now a year later he loves me? None of that ever happened? How am I supposed to reconcile the two versions of our marriage?”
Sam sat down on the other side of her and put his palms against his temples.
“Obviously there is a lot I didn’t know—that we all didn’t know—about what was going on with you and Ethan before you left, but honey, it nearly destroyed him when he thought you died. That was not a man who didn’t love you anymore and who wanted out of his marriage. He grieved the entire year you were gone. The only sign of life we saw from him was the day he got that package telling him you were alive. You were his sole focus after that. Getting you back.”
She held her hands up in confusion. “I don’t know what to do. I know now that I never went to any of his family with our problems. I wouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t be here now, but I had to know if I’d somehow betrayed him.”
Garrett’s hand closed around hers. “You can always, always come to me, sweet pea. Ethan is my brother. I love him. But you’re family too. He doesn’t get a free pass just because he’s a Kelly. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re alone.”
She smiled tremulously and then silently cursed when more tears slid down her cheeks.
The phone rang, startling her. Sam reached over to answer it, and she could hear Ethan’s worried demand even from a few feet away.
Sam looked over at her.
“She’s here, Ethan. She’s fine. Just upset. No, I don’t think it’s a good idea if you come over just yet. We’ll bring her home if that’s what she wants later.”
Sam held the phone away from his ear and shook his head.
“He hung up already. Guess he’ll figure out a way over here.”
Rachel gripped Garrett’s hand tighter.
“You don’t have to talk to him right now,” Garrett said. “Sam and I can toss him out and make him go back home. You get to call the shots here, sweet pea. Okay? You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
“No, I need to know. I can’t go on like this. I need to reconcile the here and now with the past. Everything I’ve thought about my marriage since coming home is a lie.”
She closed her eyes to the pain those words sent through her heart. The idea that she truly was alone frightened her. The idea that the husband she’d come to love all over again was nothing more than a façade had the power to kill her when a year in captivity hadn’t. Had she survived the impossible only to come home and die a slow death as she watched her hopes and dreams wither?
Garrett pulled her into his arms and held her tight. He kissed the top of her head and murmured words she couldn’t decipher close to her ear.
“Hell of a day,” Sam muttered.
“All I can wonder now is whether it was a relief for him when he thought I died,” she whispered against Garrett’s chest.
“Shhh, sweet pea. That’s crazy talk. I was there when they told him. I was there for your funeral. I’ve watched him become a shell of himself for the last year. And I watched him when he held you again for the first time. I don’t know what happened before, but he loves you. He loves you.”
“I often wondered what went through his head when he came home after your miscarriage and found Garrett staying at the house with you. At the time I thought he was dealing with guilt over not being here with you, but now I wonder if it wasn’t jealousy. Or maybe it was a combination of both.”
Rachel stiffened and drew away from Garrett to stare at Sam. “I lost a baby?”
Sam closed his eyes and cursed. “Christ, I’m sorry. I forget that you haven’t remembered everything. I’m so sorry, honey. I wouldn’t hurt you for anything.”
Her mind was frighteningly numb and blank. To her it certainly appeared her life before her “death” was a complete and utter mess. Was it any wonder she’d blocked the entire thing from her mind? Oh, she knew she had the drugs to blame and that hers wasn’t a case of hysterical amnesia in the clinical sense, but now in the face of the truth, any sane person would have wanted to forget.
She almost laughed. But she wasn’t sane, was she? She felt precariously on the edge, much like being on that bridge just hours ago. Teetering, about to fall over, and with the sickening knowledge there was nothing she could do about it.
“Tell me,” she said faintly.
“You miscarried while Ethan was away on a mission,” Garrett said gruffly. “You were pretty sick afterward so I stayed with you at the house when you got out of the hospital. Ethan got home a week later. Soon after that he resigned his commission.”
She managed a dry laugh. It was either that or sob hysterically. How much more pitiful could her life get? She’d imagined she had the perfect life and perfect marriage. Perfect family. Perfect everything. She couldn’t have been f
urther from the truth.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
A loud knock at the front door precluded any further discussion of her life or lack thereof, which was just as well. She was having the discussion with the wrong people.
Fear gripped her as she stared nervously at Sam and Garrett. Ethan was here. How could she face him knowing the truth? She wasn’t sure she could bear to look at the love that always softened his features and know that none of it was real.
“You don’t have to talk to him now,” Sam said gently. “He won’t get in here unless I let him. You can stay as long as you like. You can go back home. Just tell us what you want. We’ll make it happen.”
She smiled faintly. “I don’t know why I was so afraid of you in the beginning. You’ve been nothing but kind to me.”
He smiled back and reached over to squeeze her hand.
Garrett touched her hair, and she turned to see concern in his blue eyes. “What’s it going to be, sweet pea? You want to talk to Ethan or you want us to make him go away?”
CHAPTER 35
ETHAN stood at his brother’s front door simmering with impatience. It was locked or he’d already be inside, and if Sam didn’t hurry the fuck up, Ethan was going to break it down.
He raised his fist to pound again when the door opened and Sam stood on the other side, his expression almost accusing.
“Where is she?” Ethan demanded as he shouldered past his brother.
“She’s in the living room,” Sam said stiffly. “With Garrett.”
Sam seemed to be studying him as he spoke, but Ethan didn’t care. He was frantic with worry over Rachel. As he walked by Sam, it looked like Sam wanted to say something to Ethan, but again, Ethan ignored his brother and focused on finding Rachel.
When he entered the living room, he saw Rachel huddled on the couch next to Garrett. It was obvious she was upset, and Garrett raised his head and sent Ethan a look that would have made a lesser man piss in his pants.
Jesus, what the hell was going on?
He dropped to his knee in front of Rachel and pried her hands away from Garrett’s.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. “What happened? I woke and you were gone. Do you have any idea how scared I was? The truck was gone. You were gone. I had to call Sean and ask him to drive me over here.”
She flinched away from him, withdrawing like she couldn’t bear to touch him. He stared at her in shock.
Garrett got up and backed away until he stood close to Sam.
“Do you want us to stay, Rachel?” Garrett asked in a quiet voice.
Ethan looked between them, more confused than ever. Something was going on here that he himself was clueless over. A sick feeling settled into his stomach. Had she remembered everything?
Rachel shook her head. “No. But thank you.”
“We’ll be in the basement if you need anything,” Sam said as he and Garrett turned to walk out of the living room.
“Rachel?” Ethan asked when they were alone.
The knot in his belly was growing larger with each passing second.
“I found this,” she said as she thrust rumpled papers toward him.
He knew without looking what they were. He couldn’t even bring himself to look into her eyes.
“Oh God.”
Her hands shook as she continued to hold out the papers. “I kept having these dreams about you being angry, that you hated me.”
“Shhh.” He pressed a finger to her lips and shook his head. “God no. Never hated you, baby. Never.”
She shook him off and stared down at the papers. “These say you did. Or at least that you didn’t love me anymore. That you thought our marriage was over and you wanted out. God, you didn’t even try to get rid of them. You left them in the same place I saw them before I left a year ago.”
What could he say? He had no defense for all the pain he’d put her through.
“I left them there because I wanted to be able to tear them up in front of you. To beg you for another chance. A chance I never got.”
“Talk to me, Ethan,” she begged. “I need to know. More than the divorce papers. This isn’t the sole source of our problems. I don’t remember everything. Just pieces here and there. I didn’t even know I’d lost a baby until Sam told me tonight. Or that you quit the SEALs right after. I need to understand what happened.”
He staggered back, his gut boiling. He wasn’t prepared. He’d lived with the knowledge every second of every day that she’d eventually remember and that he’d have to explain, but he still wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to face the prospect of losing her when he’d only just gotten her back.
He took a deep breath to steady his fried nerves. This was important. This was his life. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—lie to her no matter how bad it made him look.
“You were so excited when you found out you were pregnant,” he said, smiling as he remembered just how excited she’d been. “I was gone a lot, and I worried I wouldn’t be there when you gave birth. Garrett said he’d step in, no problem. I should have been grateful, but I was jealous and resentful.
“And then you miscarried while I was in parts unknown. I didn’t even know about it until my team surfaced. Sam had been trying to reach me. I felt so guilty because I knew how much you wanted our child. I felt guilty because I wasn’t there when you needed me the most, that you had to go through it alone.”
He glanced back at Rachel, who still sat on the couch, her arms clutched around her slim waist. Her eyes haunted him. There was so much pain—and confusion—as she tried to filter through what she could remember versus what he was telling her.
“So I came home and there was Garrett. Garrett the rock. Garrett who’d been with you the entire time. I was furious—mostly with myself—and insanely jealous. I was also angry and grieving for our baby, and I lashed out at you. God, if I could take it all back.”
He ran a hand through his hair and gripped the back of his neck as he turned away from her again.
“I resigned my commission because I knew I’d failed you. You never asked me to. You never would have. You knew how much the Navy meant to me. But I quit anyway and I hated it. Hated being home. Hated not knowing what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life. Hated looking like a failure to my family and my wife.
“I resented you even though I knew, I knew deep down that it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your choice. It was mine, but I resented the hell out of you, and I started to blame you. I was my own worst enemy and I was destroying our marriage and your love, and that only made me angrier.”
A sound of pain escaped Rachel’s tightly pressed lips. She looked as though he’d struck her. He wanted none of it to be true. He wanted never to have hurt her, but he wouldn’t lie to her now. It was like poison in the very heart of his soul, and he had to get rid of it. All of it.
“I shot you down at every opportunity. You tried. God, you tried. You loved me and I shit on it because I was eaten alive inside with resentment and my own personal unhappiness. I didn’t want to hear I love you from your lips, but the moment you stopped saying it, I resented you even more. I was the worst sort of ass, and I finally decided that the least I could do for you was to set you free. Noble, huh?”
He threw up his hands in disgust and turned back around. The agony on her face made him want to puke. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, but he was afraid to, because if she rejected him now, he was lost.
“I was too much of a coward to just man up and tell you that I was unhappy with my decision. You would have supported me. I know you would have. So I made you miserable and then threw the divorce papers at you. I’ll never forget the look on your face, Rachel. It’s eaten me up for the last year. You walked away thinking I hated you and that I wanted out of our marriage, and I never got to make things right between us.”
She stood shakily, her hand going down to the edge of the couch to steady herself on the way up. Her face was pale, her eyes
huge. She looked . . . devastated.
She licked her lips and briefly looked away as if gathering her courage. Ironic, since she was the only one between them who had the strength and courage of a warrior.
When she looked back at him, the emotion in her gaze hit him square in the gut. Tears swam over her dark brown eyes and slid silently down her cheeks.
“Do you want out, Ethan? Is that guilt that’s eating you why you’re with me now? Because you feel responsible for what happened and that the last words you said to me were about wanting a divorce? Did you want me to find those papers?”
No longer able to stand apart from her, he crossed the room and gathered her in his arms.
“No, baby. God, no. Never. I didn’t want out then. I don’t want out now. I love you. I made mistakes. Mistakes that cost me everything. The moment you walked out that door, I knew I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I spent the entire week you were gone planning the right things to say to you when you got back home. I was prepared to beg. To do whatever I had to do to make you stay and to show you I loved you.
“And then I got the news that you’d died.”
His voice cracked, and he couldn’t go on anymore. Even saying the words brought back the reality of that day. Of feeling like the entire world had dropped from beneath him. He never wanted to go back there.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed then or now. At first I kept the papers because I wanted to tear them up when you got back. But then when I was told you died, I kept them as a reminder of all I’d lost and that the fault was mine and mine alone. When I discovered you were alive, they were the very last thing on my mind. I totally forgot I’d left them there.”
He slowly drew away, needing to see her. He touched her face, smoothing the red tear blotches against her pale skin.
“I love you,” he whispered.
Hot tears spilled over his fingertips, and he whisked them away, his soul hurting with each one that slithered down her cheek.
“I need to know that you’re with me now because you love me and not because you feel obligated to right some past wrong,” she choked out. “I can’t live thinking you feel trapped because your dead wife came back from the grave. I can’t live thinking I’ve been given everything I’ve prayed for the last year when it’s not real. It’s hell and not heaven.”
