by Rae B. Lake
“I don’t care if they were my orders, I don’t care. I killed that baby, I did it!” I screamed, trying to get away from whoever was trying to pull at me.
“What baby?” Wire questioned softly.
“Get a grip soldier.” A voice demanded in my head.
“How can I, I did it, I did it. I killed that baby.” I banged my head into the wall trying to shake the image of that little girl bleeding from her head but every time I closed my eyes I saw her, I couldn’t get the smell of dirt out of my nose, my hands still felt like they were sticky with her blood.
“Come on man, we got you.” Another voice floated towards me. It sounded a lot like Clean.
I had no idea where I was or what was going on but when I felt the softness of a cot under my face it was a matter of seconds before I was out like a light.
I walked down the stairs from my room in the clubhouse, I could hear people talking over each other but I couldn’t figure out what they were talking about.
“This is bullshit, we don’t even know if the job was done!” Larry said as he walked over to the in house bar and began to drink straight from a bottle. “If it was anyone else in here, if it was one of your ol’ ladies there would be nothing stopping you! This is my fucking sister. My blood!” He pounded his chest in anger. “How the fuck can we just sit back and wait? This is some pussy shit, I thought this was supposed to be a fucking family, it feels like we are just waiting on the goddamn shoe to drop and all the while it’s my fucking sister they got in their dick grabbing claws.” Larry heaved his bottle in the opposite direction, right where I was coming down the stairs. He caught my eyes with a death glare, “Nice fucking shot, Archer.” The sarcasm almost physically smacking me in the face. He walked away, he was angry but he wasn’t going to go off on his own.
Ok, well I guess they’re pissed at me.
I squared my shoulders and walked down the rest of the stairs causing everyone in the room to stop what they were doing and look at me.
“You good son?” Prez asked from his place near the doors of the church.
I nodded and began to make my way to where he was standing among the rest of the members of my club.
“That’s what I want to hear.” Prez nodded once and went back to speaking with Wire.
“What is going on?” I turned to Clean who was still looking at me like I was about to sprout a second head.
“You ok?”
I rolled my eyes and began to turn to find someone else to talk to. I had gone through this many times in the past eight years. People tended to look at you like a maniac when you start screaming and shouting about dead babies.
“No, no, I just wanted to make sure. If you good then I’m good.” Clean grabbed my arm and turned me back towards him. “I mean the last thing I want is to get punched in the face by an ex-military man, that shit looked like it hurt. A lot.” He chuckled
“What, I hit someone?” I looked around trying to see who was missing or if anyone had a shiner.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Wire still has a killer headache.”
“Oh, what the fuck.” I started towards Wire “Brother, I am-”
Wire raised his hand before I could even finish my sentence. “Don’t worry about it, we’re good.” He gave me a small smile and a nod. He wasn’t holding a grudge but I still felt like shit for hitting him.
“So what’s going on, have the Cobra’s retaliated?” I asked trying to move on.
“No, that’s the problem, so Prez called a lockdown.” Clean took a long swig of his drink.
No one wanted to be on lockdown, it was just like being locked up in the fucking county jail except we didn’t have to worry about muscle swollen men trying to ass fuck us. Most of the members of this club have been in prison before and never wanted to go back, a lockdown was almost as bad as that.
“Shit, has anyone confirmed the kill?” I asked thinking back to the shit show that was the party at the Cobra’s clubhouse.
Oh my god, I killed that woman.
“No, no no,” I whispered to myself.
“Archer, you ok?” Clean asked lightly touching my shoulder, not wanting to set me the fuck off again.
“The woman, who was the woman, was she killed?”
“I don’t know, I couldn’t see much, after the shot most of the people just started to run around. I saw her on the floor but I didn’t see her get up.”
“I killed her.”
“You don’t know that!” Wire said from behind me
“Man, are you fucking blind? I did! You were there right next to me, how can you say that I didn’t?”
“Archer, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. This isn’t your fault.”
“Whose fault is it then? Did you pull the god damn trigger? Did you line up the shot? No, that was me. I should have listened to my gut. I should have waited a split second longer, I should have-”
“There are a million things that could have been done differently, but we have to deal with the cards we have right now, even though they’re shit,” Prez said loud enough to get everyone’s attention. “Right now, what we are going to do is see what the blowback will be from the Cobra’s, I don’t want any of you out there caught by surprise so for the time being everyone is to stay put. Is that clear?”
“Yeah.”
“Whatever.”
“Yeah.”
Everyone gave their resigned consent. It’s not like anyone would go against Prez, but no one liked the directive either.
I walked back over to the bar and got a triple of our strongest bourbon. “Fuck this, everyone shouldn’t be trapped in here because of me.” I slammed the empty glass back on the bar, reaching over to get the bottle and pour another glass.
“Stop the shit, this has never happened before. There was no way that you would have known this was going to happen.” Mick said from behind the bar.
“If you had the training that I’d had, you would’ve known. I knew it was a fucked shot and I still took it. In the end, it was my decision and it was the wrong one.” I could tell by the look on his face that I was right, “So step off with all this I couldn’t have known bullshit. I should’ve known, it’s my fucking job to know.” I slammed my glass down on the bar, it splintered and the sharp glass lodged into my hand and in between my fingers. I welcomed the pain.
Chapter 5
“Archer, what the fuck is your problem?”
Someone was talking to me. We had been on lockdown for almost a week now, but I couldn’t remember a day of it. My days and nights were swimming with cheap bourbon. I squinted my eyes and saw who it was, “Mind your own fucking neck, Larry.” I slurred out to him as I bumped him with my shoulder walking back to the bar. Willing him to get mad or grow a set of balls and swing.
“You’re off your shit, get yourself together.”
“You going to get me together, hmm?” I pushed Larry, slightly wobbling backward. I focused on Larry’s face but for some reason, everything kept listing slightly to the left. My legs felt heavier than I thought they should be. Logically, I knew I was wobbling all over the place because I was drunk, but my pride kept me from admitting how drunk I actually was. I still wasn’t numb. I still couldn’t get the picture of that woman out of my head. I wondered what her voice sounded like. Was she having fun at the party or was she on her way out? Did she have a family that was waiting for her to come home? Did she make it to the hospital? Did anyone even call the ambulance?
“Fucking hit me, you pussy!” I shove Larry again harder, wanting to feel the rush of a fight. Just one punch, maybe a bottle to the head. Maybe it would cut through agony.
“What the shit!” Larry put his hands up but that didn’t stop me from pushing him again.
“Don’t be such a fucking pussy, fight me asshole!”
“Nah man, I don’t want to fight you.”
“You think I care what you want, you are in my face so either you fight or you get knocked the fuck out. That’s your only choice.” I let my rig
ht arm drop hoping that maybe he would see the opening and take his shot but even in my completely inebriated state no one in my club would take advantage.
“Archer, just chill out.” Larry backed up a bit, still with his hands up to show he wasn’t a threat to me.
Fuck this, he obviously needed some persuasion. I raised my arm to throw a punch, but I had no fucking coordination thanks to the liquor. When I was able to line up my fist with his face he was going to wish that he had taken the first shot, it would have been his only shot. I tried to push my hand forward but it didn’t move.
“Step off Larry,” Clean said from behind my back. He had my wrist in one hand stopping the forward momentum that my body was trying to exert.
When the hell did he get so fucking strong? It’s like trying to pull a truck up a hill.
“I swear man, I wasn’t going to hurt him.” Larry shook his head, trying to move away from the area.
“You hurt me? Are you fucking insane? I would have broken every bone in your body before you would’ve been able to lay a finger on me!” I screamed out. I tried to pull away from Clean and go after Larry but I wasn’t moving an inch.
“Come on brother, let’s go.” Clean turned me around and began to walk me upstairs to my room. As soon as we walked in, I could tell that this was some kind of motherfucking intervention. Wire was there, along with Keeley his wife, and Mick our registered OG, he was one of the first members of Wings of Diablo. Mick couldn’t ride anymore since he got a knee replacement but he would never be stripped of his patch. He was a brother for life.
“What is this shit?” I tried to turn away but ended up walking straight into Clean’s chest, again he didn’t even budge.
He must be on steroids or something, when did he get so fucking strong.
“Look son, we know you’re going through a tough time but you can’t keep up this behavior.”
“Yeah, Archer, we’re just worried about you,” Keeley adds reaching out to touch my hand.
Everything in me wanted to rip my hand out of her grasp, but Keeley has been like a sister to everyone since she became Wire’s wife. I wouldn’t disrespect her that way.
“There is nothing to be worried about, I’m perfect,” I respond without looking at her.
“The hell you are, you go from hardly ever drinking and being one of the most even-tempered people I know, to guzzling bottles of Marker’s Mark and trying to fight anyone who comes within three feet of you. This doesn’t sound like the actions of a man that is doing ok in life.” Mick throws his opinion in the ring as he pulls me further in the room so that I could sit down.
“We all know that you’re ex-army, but no one knows what went down before you came here. I can only imagine that it was something that left a permanent scar on you.”
I just nod my head, I rarely talked to anyone about my time fighting for my country, but the way I was feeling made me think that I just might need to.
Chapter 6
“All this waiting is killing me, there’s no way that they don’t know it was us.” Prez slammed his glass back down on the bar. The gold liquid sloshing over the edge of the glass. Everyone was on edge waiting for the Cobras to make their move. There is nothing like sitting in one spot waiting for someone to come attack you, and since we are all on fucking lockdown, that is exactly what we were doing.
I sat on the edge of the bar and listened to what was going on around me. I didn’t have much to add, in fact, I was nothing but dead weight since we left that fucking party. Constantly questioning what went wrong at that dreaded moment.
I should have taken the shot from a lower level. The scope must need to be recalibrated. I squeezed the trigger too early.
The doubts ran rampant through my mind all day and night. The only thing that seemed to shut the voices in my head up was Jack Daniels or whatever other alcoholic shit was laying around.
“I mean are we sure though, do we know for sure that they know it was us?” Wire asked looking to Clean for an answer, an answer that he could not give.
“How the hell am I supposed to know? I was there right along with you. They didn’t come after us and we didn’t leave any trace of us behind for them to find, but I can’t tell you that there was no one around to see us as we ran out the club.” Clean shrugged his shoulders and took a swig of his brew.
“What do you think, Archer, what is the possibility that they know it was us who took the shot?”
“Of course they know it’s me, who else could have made that shot?” And fucked it up but me. I could hear myself slurring my words, and from the looks I was getting from Wire and Prez, they could hear it too.
“Prez, he’s right. No one else I know could have made that shot.”
“So why the fuck haven’t they come, has anyone even heard anything about what’s going on with Cleve? Did he even survive? This whole situation is shit!” Prez asked.
“I don’t see how there was a hole the size of a grapefruit gaping through his chest.” Clean responds with a smirk on his face. That man could find a joke in any scenario.
“Prez, we need more intel.” Wire couldn’t stand to be in the dark, he needed to know what the next step would be.
“I know it, if the Cobra’s don’t know it was us that took the shot they are going to start going for other clubs, our allies. We can’t afford to make any more enemies.”
“Exactly, we need to get the fuck off lockdown. We can’t do anything here. We need to re-up our supply, try and find Larry’s sister and get our shit together before we get blindsided here.”
Wire looked directly at me, as he finished his comment, leaving no questions as to who he was referring to. He meant me. I didn’t give a fuck.
Prez threw down the rest of his drink, “Alright, you guys do what you have to do, just make sure everyone is watching their backs. That’s all we need right now, them to fucking roll up and take us out one by one.” He stood up and walked over to church, I assumed he was about to call the higher-ups to let them know what was about to go down but for the life of me, I couldn’t get excited about the fact that I was free. Finally, I would be able to go out.
Go out for what, no one wants you out there. You are just a fuck up, stay here and stew in your own shit.
“Well, thank fuck for that!” Clean clapped me on the back and scooted down off his stool.
I went to get down and go up to my room but Wire stopped me before I could.
“Archer, give me a second.”
“What?” I was done with the judgment that was oozing from him. You’re a fuck up, of course, he would be judging you. I shook my head trying to get the thoughts to go away, I would need another fifth of liquor before they would though.
“This isn’t your fault brother, as much as you want to make this your problem alone. We all played a part that day.”
I turned to get a better look at him. Did he think he was talking to a fucking schmuck? I knew that this was on me. “How the hell could you say something like that? Were you the one that pulled the trigger?”
“Nah but-”
“Were you the one to line up the shot?”
“No-”
“Then this shit isn’t on you! Don’t treat me like I am a fucking idiot.”
“No one is treating you like anything, I’m telling you that we’re in this together. Take it however the fuck you want to take it.” He stood up getting closer to me, “I don’t know what you have to do to get your head back on straight but I wish you’d hurry the fuck up. I won’t sit by for much longer while you act like a dumbass.” He bumped me on the way away from the bar.
I turned towards the bar, my glass was empty. That shit wasn’t going to do.
“Mick, let me get that bottle.” I lifted my hand and pointed to the bottle of Jack Daniels, at least I thought that I was pointing at the right one. At the moment, I could see three of them.
The old-timer shuffled his way towards me. Mick didn’t have to move fast for anyone and he knew it. I would
have my teeth knocked out before I raised a hand to that man.
“I don’t think that is a good idea, kid.”
“Did I ask you if it was a good idea? I want the fucking bottle, so just give me the motherfucking bottle.”
“Archer, you don’t need another drink, you need to get some rest.” He tried to walk away from me. I slammed my hand down on the bar to stop him.
“Fuck you, fuck all of you. I don’t need your pity. I know when I have had enough and I’m telling you that I haven’t.” I could feel the rage bubbling up inside me, I was going to go off the deep end at any minute. I was looking forward to it.
“Whatever, it’s your funeral.” Mick grabbed the bottle and slid it to me, I almost let it slide right past me. I guess I was a little more messed up than I wanted to believe. “Do me a favor though, try not to fall so deep into the bottle that you can’t see your way up. I don’t want to lose you to the drink Archer, and the way you’re looking I’d say you are well on your way.”
“Cut the shit, I’m fine, I can stop anytime I want.” I looked at the bottle and then back to Mick. I wasn’t an alcoholic, I was too disciplined for something like that.
I walked slowly up the stairs to my room, usually I liked the layout of our club but not today. Today it seemed dangerous. The clubhouse had an open floor plan with the second level designated to hold all of our rooms. The walkway only had a waist high wood railing keeping me from falling straight back down to the first floor. It was a long way down.
I opened the door to my room, not a book out of place. I was meticulous like that. I could bounce a quarter of my bed the sheets were so tight. I sat on the chair in the corner and put the bottle on the floor. Do I really need to drink to keep my head straight?
I looked at the bottle and willed myself not to drink but the more I told myself that I wasn’t going to drink the more the voices in my head screamed at me how much of a screw up I was. Mick was right if I wasn’t careful I was going to become dependent on this shit.
Great, another fucking weakness.
