by Holly Carter
When Simon says “everyone,” his eyes dart to me quickly before looking back to the men standing in front of the bar. I jump when Angel’s hand touches my shoulder.
“Are you okay, Kat?” she asks, placing the back of her hand on my forehead.
“I’m, I’m...fine.” I swallow hard when I speak.
“You don’t look so well.”
“I don’t feel well, I might go upstairs if you’re going to be okay?” I fake a smile when I speak.
“Sure, honey. You go rest and hopefully you feel better by tonight.”
I nod and smile, unsure what to do next.
I round the bar and notice all eyes on me. I don’t know what they see in my face but Hunter frowns and steps towards me. I try to dodge his hand but he captures me and brings me close.
“Are you sick?” he says, doing the same thing Angel did two minutes earlier.
“I don’t know, I feel...” I struggle against the lump that’s formed.
Hunter turns towards the men and points to his office.
“I will be in soon; I’m just taking Kat up to bed.”
Hunter puts his arm around my shoulder and starts walking us out of the bar.
“Isn’t that sweet, my brother and his bitch.” Simon chuckles as he speaks.
His words cut me like a knife and I feel the bile rises in my throat. I hear Hunter start yelling but my legs are moving faster than my mind. I take the stairs two at a time and run towards my room. I make it to the bathroom just as the bile reaches the surface and I vomit into the toilet. My stomach aches as I continue to heave but nothing else comes up.
After five minutes I stand and wash my face. When I look in the mirror I’m pale. I touch my face and it’s cold. I don’t want to be alone in a room I can’t hide in. I run out of my room and into Hunter’s, locking the door and backing away from it. The fear of someone following me is strong. I fall onto his bed and crawl-up it backwards still watching the handle. It doesn’t move.
I settle under the thick sheet and pull it right up to my chin, taking calming, deep breaths. I close my eyes tight and count to ten before opening them again. I can’t hear anything but my own noises and the nerves finally start to settle. My body is tense as my mind relaxes one willing the other to do the same. I pray that when I wake, it’s all a bad dream and everything will okay.
“Never enough.” He whispers.
The tattoo gun is like a constant buzzing in my ear.
“Almost done.” The biker says, wiping at my skin.
I flinch when he does because it stings.
“Does it look okay?” I turn and ask him as he watches the ink sink into my skin.
“It’s perfect, just like you.” He winks at me and I melt a little.
I love this side of him. He’s so gentle and caring. He’s a passionate lover and man when he’s clean and not high. It’s only been two weeks, but I have high hopes for him. For us. The biker rubs the blood off my skin again before he drags the needle into my flesh a few more times. I grip the chair with my hands and dig my nails in.
“All done.” He says, clapping his hands and cheering.
This makes me laugh but I stop, when the last wipe on my skin leaves a stinging and burning on my skin.
“Can I see it?” I ask, sitting up and looking in the mirror.
“Numquam Satis.” I whisper, tracing the fresh ink with finger.
“Never enough.” He says, smiling as his eyes twinkle pride.
“Never enough.” I repeat, falling in love with danger.
I bolt upright in bed and rub my thigh. The burning feeling returns and I need the pain to stop. I jump out of bed and run to the door, unlocking it before pulling it open hard. The door hits the wall and I hear the crack but keep running. I run down the stairs two at a time in search of Hunter. I run into his office and find it empty, four chairs sit around the desk but no one is there. The mark burns again and my chest tightens.
“Are you feeling better, Kat?”
I turn to see Angel walking towards me. I look around the bar and see David’s seat empty as well.
“Where are the boys?” it comes out as a rugged breath.
“Hunter and David have gone out for a bit, and Arrow is in the gym,” she says, putting her arm on my shoulder.
I turn my body away, making her hand fall to her side.
“Kat, are you okay sweetie?” Angel looks worried, concerned...
“I need Hunter.” It’s a broken whisper but it’s there.
“He’s gone out, Arrow is here.” She points towards the gym.
“Where is Simon?” I dare not ask, but it happens.
I close my eyes as I wait for the answer
“He left when Hunter and David did.”
I open my eyes and let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I head towards the gym in a fast pace walk. Through the glass I see Arrow, covered in sweat slogging it out with the punching bag. His hair is damp and his clothes are drenched. He’s obviously been at it for a while. I barge through the door, causing the same reaction that happens to Hunter’s door. It hits the wall and I hear it break the plaster.
“Arrow.”
He hits the bag, left, right, left, before he turns. His chest is heaving and he’s breathless.
“Kat?” he pulls of his gloves and steps towards me.
“I need you to hurt me, and I need you to do it now.” It comes out as desperate as it sounds.
“What?” Arrow throws his gloves on the ground and wipes his face with the towel around his neck.
“Hurt me. I need it now.”
“I can’t, I’m too fucking mad to touch anyone.” Arrows rubs his face hard before dropping the towel.
“Arrow, please.” I scream, sucking back the tears.
He stares at me for long minutes before he walks over to me and grabs my shoulders. He opens his mouth to say something but stops.
“Make it stop; I need you to make it stop.” I sob, unable to control it.
“Okay.”
I look up and Arrow nods his head. He grabs my hand and drags me out of the gym and towards the stairs. He stops when we reach the door that goes down to the basement. He opens the door and I run down the stairs two at a time as I head for the room Arrow caught Martin and me in. I pull the door open and walk inside. I walk straight to the whips on the wall and pull the bullwhip off the hook. I hear the door creek and turn throwing the whip to Arrow.
I walk over to the stonewall, and turn around so I can’t see his face. I lift my shirt over my head so I’m standing in my only a bra on the top half of my body. I drop it on the floor next to my feet before I place my hands on either side of my face on the wall and wait. I hear the crack before I feel it hit my body. The sharp stinging pain radiates from shoulder to shoulder.
He hits me again, and the pain turns to a burn; I feel my skin welt instantly.
The third is just as hard, but the pain is further down. My knees try to buckle but I pull myself back up to standing.
The fourth feels like a knife, cutting through my skin.
The fifth is sharp and intense.
The sixth begins to numb the other pain I feel.
The seventh sends me into an island.
The island is surrounded by crystal clear water. The sand is magical and white. It feels relaxing when I dig my toes into it and the sand falls through the gaps. I hear children giggling and when I look up, I see a family building a sandcastle together in the sand. I smile and wave when the children wave to me. I look out towards the ocean and see a man coming towards me. Like before, his body is wet and his board shorts hang low on his hips. His body is mesmerizing. He runs towards me like before, but I don’t move this time, I want to see his face.
As he approaches, I see his lips move. I can vaguely hear muffled noises when they do. The closer he gets his face starts to disappear and I stand instantly wanting to catch him.
“Kat.”
My legs feel like jelly, but I will them to s
upport me.
“Fuck me, Kat.” I hear my name.
“What the fuck did you do?”
It’s Hunter.
I open my eyes and green pools look back at me. I’m on my side on the ground and for a moment I have no idea where I am or what happened. I see two other people and narrow my eyes to see them better. Reyner stands beside Arrow who holds a whip. I go to move and flinch, the moment I do, the feeling of razors digging into my flesh feels real.
“Let me help you up.” Hunter threads his arm through mine as he pulls me to my feet.
“I’m fine.” I say, shrugging Hunter off but feeling the bolting pain. “I just need a shower.”
I start towards the door but stop when I stand next to Arrow. His head is down and he shakes his head, disappointment written all over his face.
“Thank you.” I whisper, only loud enough for him to hear before walking out.
When I walk up the stairs I hear Reyner screaming at him, and instantly guilt tries to swallow me. I ignore the newfound pain and go straight to my room, needing a hot shower to ease the sting. As soon as I’m through my door, I start to take off my pants and bra. It’s a slow process but it’s doable.
I stand under the water for what seems like hours. The water runs cold but I just continued to stand under the flow and think about how I was going to fix the problem I had caused. After a few more minutes, I decided I need to go down and apologise to Reyner and Arrow before my actions cause more problems. While it helped me, his actions could destroy them.
I dry as best I can, before putting on a flowing sundress. I abandon the underwear as it’s too hard to put on and quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck right now. I walk out of the bathroom and see Hunter sitting on the bed with his head in his hands.
“Why did you do it?” he asks, his voice is broken.
“I needed it.” it’s the truth and when I say it, I feel dirty.
“No you didn’t.” he lifts his head, turns and looks at me.
“I did, you don’t understand.”
“Well tell me, Kat. Fucking tell me why you did that? Why you let him do that to you?” Hunter stands. His jaw tightens as his hands clench into tight fists.
“I needed to feel numb to stop me from feeling something I didn’t want to.” I shout.
“Feeling is something you experience in here." he presses his hand to my chest. “It doesn’t matter how it feels on the outside, it’s how it feels inside that makes us break. I didn’t want him to break you like that; I wanted to be the one who finally consumed you."
“You don’t understand, I wanted you, Hunter. I wanted you and you weren’t here.”
“You wanted me, so you go to Arrow? Is that how it works?” he spits, his hand shoots out and he smashes the vase of roses.
I feel cornered. I feel fucking violated and I’m in self-destruct mode. Hunter is in the exact same mood. His chest rises and falls furiously. Mine is just as bad. My hands ball into fists and I fight the urge to swing a left hook right into his cheek. A quick look at Hunter’s hands and they are in the same position and while I know he would never hit me, I fucking wish he would. I’m the first to snap of course.
“I fucking hate you; I hate you so fucking much.” I yell, or scream rather.
“Bullshit, you’re just angry because I pulled down your walls you built and you have feelings. Kat, you having fucking feelings and you hate that you can finally feel them again.”
“Do you know why I practically begged you to fuck me? I did it because I crave the emotional pain more than I do the physical; I wanted to feel it, if not for a moment when I was with you. It hurts so fucking much but I like it. I like the pain I get when I make myself feel. It’s you, Hunter, it’s fucking you that I hate. You make me feel things I don’t want to feel.” Unable to stop my rage, I smash the photo frames on the bedside table. One second it was a pretty crystal, the next it was tiny fragments on the floor.
“Hunter, you fucking consume me.” I yell. “You bring me on my fucking knees not because I fucking like it, but because I fucking want it. You have no idea how hard this is for me. I have ten days left and I’m fucking done giving into your little games. I will leave here the same fucking way I came, with dignity and fucking respect.”
I push his chest to remove him from my bubble. I don’t want him in my bubble anymore; that bubble is about to burst and be flooded with a lot more than him consuming me. He will devour me, if I don’t keep my mind and body in order.
“Kat, wait.”
“No, screw you, Hunter. Go find something else to mind fuck for once.” I walk straight past him and up the stairs.
The same stairs he’s whipped me on, the stairs he touch me gently on, the stairs he would have to drag my half dead body up when I wanted nothing more than to end it all.
Chapter Twenty-Three
By the time I’ve cooled off, it’s past dark and the line outside the palace doors bends around the block. Several women shout to security to let them in as the men just stand still and ignore their requests. My mind is still reeling and the long walk I took didn’t help the hole I was feeling in my chest. It was still there, and fuck me it hurt. My back ached, and every time the shirt rubbed my sensitive skin it was like I was being whipped all over again.
When I left, I went to the one place that always helped me think. It’s a little old cottage that’s deep in the forest. I had to pay the cab driver extra to take me there because it makes people nervous, and to be honest it kind of made me nervous being there. It had been two years since I had been there. I used to go to the cottage when I was craving the feel of his touch. I stopped going because Sailor found out and I could never tell him why I went there.
I push through the line and make it to the doors. Security speaks into the hand held radios before opening the door. Rumbles stands just inside the door talking to a woman with a latex dress on. She was rubbing her hand up and down his shoulder as she spoke. He looks scared shitless and yet slightly bored. When his eyes meet mine, he gives me a polite nod and I return the same. The bar is packed as always, the bass vibrated the pictures covering the walls. I feared the last supper would be the first to hit the floor at any moment.
I squeeze my way through the crowd as people squeezed my ass. I turned when it happened the fifth time and grabbed the guy by the collar of his shirt. He begged for me to let him go, he didn’t mean any harm by what he did. As I look into his eyes I see fear and excitement. Something I’m normally all too happy to take from someone. But tonight, I can’t do it. I push him into his friends and walk towards the bar.
I reach the bar and see Angel, Arrow and Hunter serving endless customers. I fail to mention the useless bitches that pretend to work. Hunter sees me coming as he hands a drink to a woman over the bar. She smiles at him ever so sweetly and leans over showing her cleavage. Hunter ignores her as he takes the money from her hand.
A gentle hand touches my arm and I turn. David sits on the stool, which isn’t his usual spot. When I look down the end of the bar I snarl. Fucking trash by the name of America has taken his spot. I go to step forward but David grabs my arm and holds me back. He slides a glass half filled with Gin in my direction. I step closer to him and pick it up.
“To feeling the pinch.” He yells over the music.
“To feeling the pinch.” I reply, understanding every word.
We click glasses and I enjoy the burn all the way to my stomach. I put my glass back on the bar and David picks up the bottle half filling my glass as before. He flicks the glass when he’s finished and I pick it up. I wait for him to fill his own before deciding another toast was in order.
“To asshat men who pull down walls.” I click his glass with mine and down it. The alcohol goes straight to my head second time around.
David brings the glass to his lips and down the liquid in a slower fashion. He never takes his eyes off me as he does. I wonder if I have done something to upset him. I really like David. He has a beautiful soul and I wi
ll miss him so much when I’m gone. The thought to visit him again after I leave is so strong, but I don’t know if I could stand being back here. Once I leave these walls, I don’t think I could walk back through them.
A hand grips my arm and I close my eyes. If I can’t see him, I can’t feel pissed all over again.
“We need to talk.” Hunter speaks in my ear, his voice...calm.
I don’t really want to talk to him just yet; I need a little space...
I shake my head no, and start to walk away. Hunter pulls me, so my back hits his chest sending lashes of pain through me. The welts are tender and remind me of my stupidity. I really need to find Arrow and apologise. Hunter’s arms wrap around my body, securing me tight against him. I feel his breath on my cheek, before it finds my ear.
“Please, Kat.” he says.
I look up at the bar towards Angel; she briefly looks at me, and then looks away. Maybe if I get this conversation over with now, I can come back to work later. Right now I need the distraction from the emotional feels that beg to play.
“Five minutes.” I lean my head back to whisper in his ear.
“Come.”
He lets my waist go, but takes my hand leading me out into the sea of people. I think we are going upstairs but Hunter takes me into his office and closes the door behind me. The bass vibrates the door and it rattles on its hinges. I stand in front of Hunter’s desk, but face him. The back of the desk hits the back of my knees.
“Where did you go?” he asks, stepping forward.
“It’s really none of your business.” I push off from the desk and take a step forward.
“Stop.”
Hunter puts his hand on my chest and pushes me back slightly. The desk hits the back of my legs and I sit.
“You have to give me something, Kat. I am bending my rules for you and you just....” Hunter runs his hands through his hair and down his face.
“I never asked you to bend anything for me. You’re the one who caved.”
“Because you’re so fucking tempting, I fucking hate it. My self-control has fucked off since you moved in and I hate it. I can’t fucking wait for you to go.” Hunter shouts.
