by Lovell, Dani
"Well... I can't wait either." I say as I drag my hands down his hard chest to unbuckle his belt.
He steps back, shaking his head. "Not yet." What the...?
"Why? I want to taste you, too..."
"I am so freakin' horny, baby, but I'm going to wait - I want to fuck you so hard, you'll still be feeling it next week."
"Fuck me then..."
"No, Princess. Make me wait for you... I want you to tease me until I'm ready to explode in my pants."
Oh. I'm really quite annoyed about this, I was so ready to suck him silly, taste him, feel him come in my mouth. So ready to go outside to the bustling club, knowing I've just made my man come with just a door separating us from all of these people.
Well, fine. If he wants to be like that, I'll fucking tease him until his knob turns blue, and then he can sodding well sort himself out. Pig.
I gently shove his chest away, pushing him backwards so I can get my leg out of the sink and pull my jeans and knickers back on. "Fine, you want teasing? You've got it," I say, unable to hide my childish huff. And why the fuck should I hide it? I want to give a frigging blow job!
"Hey, hey, hey... what's this?" he says, holding my arms and searching for eye contact. "Are you mad?" he asks, as his mouth curls into a smile.
I smack his arm in frustration. "Don't laugh at me Luke," I respond, trying to shake myself free, bending to reach for my shoe.
"No," he says, tightening his grip on my arms and pushing me back against the door, "I'm not laughing at you, look at me," he demands, and for some bizarre reason, the stubborn side to my character bows down, and I stop what I'm doing to look him in the eye. "Are you mad? Because you're not sucking me off?"
I pause for a moment, thinking about how stupid this must look. It is stupid, why the hell am I so mad? I just want him so much. "Yes." I admit, reluctantly. "I just want it. You got to do what you wanted... why can't I?" I ask in a small, whiny voice, like a child.
"Til, I wanted to give you everything. This, in here, is about your pleasure. I'll wait until later, I want to fuck you after you suck me, and I don't want to do all that in here. I don't want to see my girl on her knees in a nightclub bathroom, right by a toilet."
Oh my god, his girl again... I can't imagine him having an issue with any other girls getting their knees dirty. "Okay, fair enough. I'm sorry, I just... you know."
"Yeah, sugar-lips, I know. You just love me too much, to not give me a BJ every place we go."
I giggle and press my hand against his pecks, "Yep, totally."
We share one more long, sensual pash before I put my shoe on, straighten myself out, and slip out of the bathroom, hopefully unnoticed, with Luke.
We must have been out all of about thirty seconds, when Alexia calls over to Luke, "Hey! Luke! Come and say hi to Sebastian and Cole!" He kisses me on the cheek before heading over to them. Hmm, fine.
I take the time to see what's happening around me; Bea is dancing with Daniel nearby, locked in a tight embrace, noses touching, their movement slow and sensual, totally contradicting the loud dance music. They kiss slowly, lightly brushing their lips together, and I see Daniel saying something to her, making her smile - prompting her to stroke the hair at the back of his neck. They are so in love, watching them fascinates me.
My attention is grabbed suddenly by the loud squeal of Clare, spinning around the stripper pole with one bent leg and one hand. Oliver stands by, laughing exuberantly, holding their empty glasses. How can she possibly be drunk already? Crikey, I'm getting old.
I step over to the drinks table and pour myself a glass of orange juice, before sitting on one of the sofas to observe the fun. Now it's Oliver's turn on the pole and wow! He's good! Clare watches, her face a stunning picture, lit-up and happy, laughing contagiously at him. He's putting on a great show, seemingly - solely for Clare.
Bea and Daniel join them, laughing - Bea trying to pull Oliver away so she can have a go herself. Watching my friends from the sidelines like this, having so much fun together, makes me feel so lucky. I don't know what I'd do without them all, even Daniel has become so important to me, in a short space of time since LA. I hope nothing changes when I have my baby, I hope we stay just as close, I know they will have a huge part to play in the life of my child. They are my best friends - but I pray that we manage to keep our tight knit friendship just as firm as it is now. Having my sister in the States, and with Dad gone, they're all I have here.
I smile and turn to look in Luke's direction, only to see him standing with Alexia, his arm around her waist, laughing happily. The other two - Sebastian and what’s-his-name - are nowhere to be seen. I'd love to know what's so fucking funny, Alexia is practically falling over herself. Her hand rests on his stomach, the other on his shoulder as she leans into him and says something in his ear. He glances over in my direction and smiles, before looking straight back at her to answer her question with amusement.
My fury boils to a whole new heat as he bends down and sweeps her off her feet, giggling and smiling as he throws her over his shoulder. She smacks his bum and in turn, he swats hers. That's fucking it! I have had enough of this bullshit, he doesn't mean anything he fucking says, I'm stupid to believe he's not shagging anyone else, it's in his god damned nature! We have to stop. Now.
First thing tomorrow I'm going to tell him about the baby and get the fuck away from here. I should never have let myself fall for him, the way I have. I know who he is and what he's about and he's showing me first hand, right now. But... first things first - I'm going to give him a taste of his own frigging medicine, see how he likes it.
I stand - furious, hot and determined, searching for someone. I see a small group of fairly handsome looking men, drinking and laughing, and I decide that they'll do. I walk directly to them, picking - in my opinion - the most good-looking. I grab his hand, interrupting them and not giving a shit, and tell him, "Dance with me."
He raises his eyebrows and smirks, silently agreeing, and follows me a few steps away into Luke's line of vision. I turn to face him, wrap my arms around his neck and press my body against his. It feels totally wrong, and very uncomfortable, but I don't care. I'm doing this.
He places his hands on my lower back and smiles, trying to figure me out. "So, I'm Jason, what's your name?"
I shake my head, "Don't speak, just dance." I don't want to get in conversation with the guy, I don't want anything but to make Luke feel just a smidgen of what I feel when he shoves his nose up her backside.
We grind together, and I close my eyes, trying for a moment to forget it's not Luke. I notice that subconsciously, I'm trying to distance Wriggler from him. I'm so horribly uncomfortable doing this, which is yet another 'new' for me, I have danced with countless men in my time, and never felt weird like this.
The guy holds my hips and turns me around, pressing my back into his front. Bleugh. I move with him, circling my hips, grinding in time to the music, hoping I can end this soon. I glance up and notice Luke talking to her, looking at me. She's looking up at his face, clearly deep in conversation about something, he's nodding, but his attention is on me. Good.
He frowns and cocks his head, and as I start to feel a little better, hoping he feels as jealous as I do, the man slips his hands around my waist, and rests them low on my belly. I am so out of my comfort zone; having another man touching my precious cargo is unbearable, it's not his to touch. My protective instincts are clearly setting in, and I look up at Luke again to find him smiling through that frown, amused.
The anger is uncontrollable, I am fuming! I tear the hands from my belly and stride, angrily to the seating area to grab my clutch bag. Luke manages to pull himself away from the oh-so-amazing Alexia to come over and join me.
"Hey, enjoy your dance with Jason?" he asks.
"What?" I ask, angrily, "You know him?"
"Sure I do, he's a friend of a friend."
Oh for god’s sake. "Yes, thanks. He's a nice guy." I say, straight faced, without emotion, lo
oking anywhere other than his face.
"Too bad you're not his type then, huh?"
I turn quickly, ready to pounce angrily, "How do you know? We were having a great time."
"I'm sure you were sweet-cheeks, but gay guys don't usually go for the ladies."
Oh my god, ground, open up, please? I close my eyes and sigh, defeated. "Fine."
"Were you trying to make me jealous? What's going on, Tilly?"
I look at his face and realise that he just doesn't see our relationship the way I do. We're still just fuck buddies, nothing more. Just because I'm in love with him, doesn't mean we'll ever go any further, and trying to tell myself that he just might be father material, is living in a dream. He'll want nothing to do with me, and nothing to do with Wriggler.
"No, Luke. I was just dancing. Go back to Alexia, I'm sure you're dying to continue with your hilarious conversation."
He holds my shoulders and slouches a little to near eye level. "You're jealous of me and Alexia? You're kidding?" He smirks, making the blood boil inside again, rage surging through my body.
"Just fuck off, don't take the piss out of me, don't laugh at me, and don't fucking touch me!" I shout, shrugging out of his hold.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he shouts, frowning, now looking quite furious himself.
"Fuck off Luke!" I scream, trying to get my voice heard over the music, frustrating me massively. I'm so hot, I must be bright red. Luke raises his hands, showing his palms, pouts and shakes his head. He turns and walks away through the crowd, leaving me standing there embarrassed, angry and totally alone.
I look around, no one is looking, no one saw what has just gone down over here, which is great, but makes me realise exactly how alone I am in this situation. No one knows how much I love Luke, no one knows that I now want a 'forever', no one knows that I have his beautiful baby growing inside me. In this moment, it's just me, and it's so hard.
Tears sting my eyes and my mouth twitches. These damn hormones! The only thing I can think of to make me feel comfortable right now, is to get the hell away from here, away from the noise, away from my clueless, happy friends, away from the chaos and Christmas cheer, away from Luke. I grab my coat and clutch bag, and slip away through the heaving club. This is where being short comes in really handy, no one can ever see me in a crowd.
I run up the stairs and dash outside at the top, totally avoiding any kind of niceties with 'Jolly Jeff'. I continue to scuttle in my heels until I get a good distance away from the club, taking care not to slip. I haven't even noticed the freezing temperatures in my silk vest, but I slip on the fur coat, needing some sort of comfort. I find a bench in the middle of the promenade and sit, my hands either side of me, my head bowed, eyes - teary. What the hell do I do now? I don't know my way home or the driver's number.
I sit back, lifting my legs and crossing them on the bench, wondering where the hell to go from here. I rest my head in my hands and close my eyes, horribly sad, confused and desperately scared. It's back to how it was before, and it should never have changed.
I have to tell him, and then we need to figure out how to move on from here. If he wants to know the baby and be a big part of its life, I'll contemplate finding a place to live in LA, for the sake of Wriggler. It'll be hard leaving my girls at home, but other than them, there's nothing important enough to keep me there. Enabling my child to have a relationship with his or her father, is far more important than missing home.
Then, of course, there's the likely option that he won't want to be that much of an active dad, happy enough to see the child here and there, whenever I visit Gemma. Which would mean, not a lot of change for me, apart from my own place to live and a way to find enough money to raise the baby without help.
Or... the option that he won't want to see the baby at all. That would kill me, and as much as I know the type of guy Luke is, I just can't see him being that much of an arse-hole.
My mind moves to the last option; the nonsensical idea that I don 't like to even contemplate because of how devastatingly unrealistic it is - but my head has other ideas. Torturous bitch. The option where Luke tells me he's excited and that he wants to be in the baby's life, that he wants to see his baby every day, he wants to see me every day. That he loves me, he wants to be with me, he wants to live together and raise Wriggler in the perfect family setting. Oh Wriggler, I can't guarantee that I'll have a happy ever after, but I will make damned sure that you are the happiest child there is, whatever happens. I'll do everything I can for my precious baby.
I take a long, deep breath in and exhale slowly. Just one night of amazing, swimming pool sex, and my life and emotions are all over the shop. Why am I in love with a bad-boy? An amazingly hot, caring, sweet bad-boy. No, Tilly! Think of Alexia, think of his ten billion other women in LA, think of what he does for a living! He trains women and fucks them as part of the deal. He's a no-go zone and you know it... you just thought... you hoped, that you were wrong.
I feel suddenly exhausted; physically, mentally... exhausted. I can't do this anymore, all the hiding, the lying, the avoiding... it's too much, and with all of the other emotions that come with pregnancy, I just can't continue. I bring my knees up to my chest, wrap my coat around them and lean against the back of the bench on my side. I rest my cheek on my knees, close my eyes, and let the tears fall, ignoring all of the people around me, not caring what they think. It's okay to forget and lose myself in my own world for a short while, like Clare said earlier.
I snuggle my coat around my face and feel the warm, salty tears spill over the bridge of my nose onto my knee. I'm so alone and I can't do anything about it until I tell Luke about the baby. I just wish I could pick up the phone and call my sister, tell her everything, tell her how much I need her and love her. I wish I could sit in Bea's living room with the girls, a Chinese take-away and Don Draper on TV, relaxing like we used to before I started avoiding it.
I wish I hadn't gone crazy at Luke back in the club, it's not his fault that I was getting carried away with wishful thinking, he's always been open and honest about his lifestyle and I knew it well, I should have just remembered that, before getting so comfortable in his company. Sod this for a game of soldiers, pregnant emotional shit sucks, incredible orgasms or not.
I listen to the footsteps and commotion all around me, clicky stilettos, the clonking of boots amongst the buzz of voices, it's quite calming - I can imagine this to be how a baby hears the world, from inside the womb. There's one noise that stands out though, and it's definitely boots, the rhythm is familiar, the depth of the noise, specific. It stops, right by me. I know who it is without even looking up. He has come to find me, and I need to apologise. I should hide my tears and pretend to be emotionally stable but I just don't care, the fatigue is too much and I can't do it, I can't act anymore.
I don't even bother to look up when he sits next to me and effortlessly lifts my curled body onto his lap. He puts one arm around me, the other hand resting on my head, and I sink into his warm, welcome body.
"You don't have to tell me what the problem is. You don't have to make me jealous - I can feel that way on my own. You don't have to be jealous - no one else does anything for me but you, and lastly, you don't have to be sad. Whatever it is, if you want to tell me, go ahead, if not? That's fine too, but know that I'm here; you're not alone, you're loved and cared for, more than you know, Tilly." His tone is warm and caring, but his words tip me over the edge of this emotional roller coaster, and I begin to sob against his chest.
"I... I'm... I..." I attempt to speak, a brief stutter of the word 'I' clearly all a twenty seven year old pregnant lunatic with psychotic tendencies can manage.
"Shh, I know there's more to it than what happened in there - when you're ready, you can tell me."
I wrap my arms tightly around his middle, thoroughly appreciative of his understanding. This man's parents must be pretty incredible people, to raise such an impeccably perfect human being, I do hope that they will feat
ure in our child's life.
"Ah, the fur-ball has arms!" he says, cheerfully - making me smile.
"I'm sorry," I manage.
"Til, don't. You had reasons for what you said, I don't know what they are, but I know they are there and are valid. There's nothing going on with me and Lex, you know, we're as close as brother and sister; I tease her for being prudish and dorky, she tries to give back in return. We just don't see each other that way, Til, she's too straight-laced for me, and I'm too much for her. She likes quiet, submissive, typewriter types. Does that help clear it up?"
I nod - sniffing, my chest convulsing. It makes sense; Daniel and Luke are so close, he probably would be close with his sister, too. She doesn't look like a dork, she's gorgeous - in fact, and stylish, elegant, sophisticated... Oh god, I'm remembering why I don't like her. But I can see how she might have a few nerdy tendencies. I'm not even sure all of this was about her anyway - it was more the realisation that I've let myself get too far with a playboy, panic about his reaction to the news, and having no idea what the future holds for Wriggler and I.
"Do you want to go home, Princess?" he asks, brushing his chin against my hair. I simply nod against his chest, thinking how nice it would be, to be tucked up in bed right now, naked and warm in Luke's arms. I know everything he just said points to the reasoning that he isn't shagging other girls, but that doesn't mean we'll ever have anything more than another holiday fling.
"I'll call the car," he says as he stretches back to try and manoeuvre his mobile from his pocket.
"Actually, Luke, could we walk for a bit? I know it's freezing but I'd like to get some fresh air and then collapse in bed when I get home. It's not far is it?"
"No, about fifteen minutes or so. Will you be okay in your heels, baby?" he asks, surprising me, he's actually thinking of my inappropriate footwear.
"Uh huh," I nod, sniffing, still tightly pressed against his chest, "I'll be fine. If it gets too snowy, you can carry me until it's clear again."
