by Lovell, Dani
"Well, you can come back whenever you like, girlies." Bea responds.
"Thanks, sweetness, now you've got a house and all..." Clare says, excitedly.
"I can't wait to see it tonight, Bea, Luke says it's amazing," I add.
"Oh, it is. I adore it, I don't want to leave! I just can't quite believe how lucky I am."
"You've got it all, Bea... treasure it," Clare says, softly, with her hand on her heart and her head tilted slightly.
"Alright, alright, let's not get all romantic and crap," I interrupt, the old Tilly returning briefly, and I stand, making my way to the stairs, "I'm going to get ready - you girls need to help me find something to buy Luke, I haven't had to buy a boy anything for god knows how long. Well, except Olly, but I mean... a boy-boy."
Clare responds a little too quickly, "Oliver is a boy-boy."
"Alright, Clare, I was simply saying that I haven't had to buy a boyfriend a gift for ages. Blimey, what's gotten into you?" Like I don't already know...
"I could ask the same thing of you, Til," she says, quietly, but sharply. Quite unlike her. I choose to ignore it, I don't want to piss her off about Oliver and I don't want her to elaborate further.
I go and get ready and we all meet downstairs shortly after. The limo takes us into the shopping precinct nearby, and we start by browsing in a gorgeous clothes boutique where we try on lush winter coats and accessories. Bea buys some gloves for her mum, and we move on to some more man-friendly shops, to buy some things for the boys.
Ralph Lauren is a must for Bea, Daniel seems to wear so much from there. We all separate and stroll around the shop, looking for different bits and pieces. I see a few nice things, but it is impossible to buy clothes for a man, I mean, he needs to try it on for a start, and will it suit him? Will he like it? It is fashionable at the moment? I am just going to have to give up on the clothes idea, I know about girl’s fashion, and I know that Luke looks hot in everything he wears - but boy’s clothes on a hanger? I have no idea.
I stroll over to look at some accessories and I see Clare brushing her fingers over a tan leather wallet. Knowing that Oliver lost his wallet the day before we left for Aspen and is using an old one until he gets a chance to buy another, I know exactly what she's thinking, but this is way more than we usually spend on each other.
"He'll love that," I say, wondering how she'll respond. I wish they'd feel comfortable enough to come out in the open and be a couple.
Clare nods, deep in thought as she opens it up. She suddenly puts it back down and frowns. "Hmm? Who? I was just looking for... um... for my dad."
"Clare, darling, no you weren't. Your reaction tells me exactly who you had in mind, and I think he'll love it," I say with a supportive smile.
"Oh for fucks sake, Til, get over it. I was thinking of my dad." Whoa!
"And it's just a coincidence that Oliver lost his wallet before we came here?"
"Yes!" she snaps, her face red with fury, "would you just get over it, there is nothing going on and I'm fed up of you bringing it up all the time."
"What's the problem? Why can't you both just be honest with everyone?"
"Don't fucking go there Til, I mean it..." I don't think I've ever seen her this angry, but I need to get through to her that it's okay. She's never hidden stuff from us before and it's unnerving.
"I will fucking go there, just be honest!"
"Oh, like you are? Like you're honest? Don't start all of this bullshit with me Til, you're being the biggest fucking hypocrite that I've ever met. Why haven't you told anyone? Huh?"
Oh Shit. My stupid badgering has come back to bite me in the arse. And she... knows? "Told anyone what?" I ask, in the hope that she's talking about something minor like... like... having sex in the kitchen.
She looks around and lowers here voice, "You know exactly what I'm talking about. Why haven't you told anyone that you're pregnant?" Her face softens and she frowns, putting a hand on my arm. I stare at her, not really knowing what to say... how long has she known? "Tilly, please, just say it. To me."
I'm suddenly overcome with emotion, she's gone from being furious with me - quite rightly so, I am a huge hypocrite - to being so gentle and caring. Knowing that I'm not completely alone anymore is an unexpected relief. A tear falls from my lashes and I wipe my cheek immediately, before anyone around us notices. I simply nod, and with that confirmation, I turn into an emotional wreck, nostrils flaring, eyes flooding.
"Oh darling..." Clare says, clutching my wrist. She looks around us and leads me to the dressing rooms, grabbing a blouse from a clothes rail en route. Bea is obviously deep in the mens department and totally unaware of the drama unfolding over here.
Clare locks the door behind us and turns to give me the biggest, most needed hug ever. "Oh Til, why didn't you just tell me? Why hasn't either of you told anyone?"
I sniff and wipe my wet cheeks with my fingertips. I look down at my feet and clear my throat. "Well, it's not that simple."
"Oh god, oh no... why?" she asks, obviously worried about the pregnancy.
"Oh, nothing like that, Wriggler and I are both fine..."
She smiles, "Wriggler?"
"Oh, yes, that's what I named it. It wriggles around a lot, I can feel it really early on."
"Oh my god, that's so amazing... I need to hear so much more - but first, why isn't it simple?"
"Well... Luke doesn't know." I wince, waiting for it.
"What?" she cries, loudly, "Why not? It's his baby, isn't it?"
"Oh yes, I wouldn't have been that stupid with anyone else."
"You forgot a condom?" she asks.
"Yeah."
"Til, you have to tell him. I hate to say it but you're being really selfish right now."
I nod because she's right. And I'm ashamed of myself. "I know. And I hate myself for it, but I wanted to tell him in the flesh, and then we got here and he surprised me in the middle of the night with a sesh in the kitchen, and it just went on and on, and now the girlfriend thing; I'm afraid to ruin it all and lose him. I'm worried to find out that he doesn't want to be in our lives." I whimper most uncharacteristically, and drop my head on her shoulder.
She strokes my hair. "Darling, whatever happens, he deserves to know, and it's not fair that you're keeping it from him. So your.. what? Three months?"
I shake my head, "More, it works out at sixteen weeks tomorrow, pregnancy date calculations are weird. Anyway, that's the date I got from the midwife."
"And it's most definitely Luke's baby?"
"Oh yes, no doubt at all. It's Luke's."
"Bloody hell, Til, you're four months pregnant and you haven't even told the dad... your boyfriend!"
"Please don't, I already know how bad it is. After the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing happened, I thought maybe he'd take the news a bit better - be more likely to hang around, so I planned to tell him in the next day or so."
"Good, you should. Til, he's not going to be like your mum. I can understand your fears, I know what sort of a guy Luke was, and I know you want your child to be wanted by both parents because of your mum and everything, but you have to accept that whatever happens is going to happen, and nothing you do will change that. Especially prolonging this."
"I know. I will tell him."
"Good, because seriously, I will be on your back until you do. The guy needs to know his life is about to change, and he deserves as much notice as you got, even though he won't now."
"I know, I know."
"How long have you known?"
I pause, nervous to tell her, "Um... since the end of October."
"What?" she cries, her eyebrows raised in disbelief, "And you didn't tell us? Does Gemma know?"
I shake my head, guiltily. "No."
"Why not? How can you possibly have been doing this all on your own? Okay, so I've had suspicions for a couple of days now, but I was waiting for you to tell me something yourself."
"I'm sorry. But I don't think it's right for me to tell my friends
and sister before Luke even knows. It's his baby and I think he should have been the first person to find out."
"Well, I agree with you there, and he would have been if you'd have just told him straight away."
"I'll tell him. I promise I will."
"Today Til, you have to."
I nod, agreeing with her. God, I hope he doesn't run. "Does Bea know?" I ask, there's no way she could keep this from Daniel.
"I don't think so, I haven't spoken to her about it, but she's not daft, if she doesn't have suspicions already, she will know soon enough. Til, hasn't he noticed? I mean... in bed - you've got a little bump."
I gasp, "Oh my god, can you notice really badly? I've been trying to hide it."
"Yes, I can notice, but only because I know you, and I've been really looking for it. But how hasn't he when you're naked?"
"I've just been a bit creative with positions and stuff. And a lot of the time, we've been... I've needed clothes on..."
"Oh my word, you are so daring, you've been doing it outside haven't you?" she says with a grin.
"A lot. I can't get enough, he's just so good, Clare."
"We'll, I'm glad for you, Til. I really am, I love him, he's great and so perfect for you."
I grin, sniffing. "He is, isn't he?"
Clare nods. "Just tell him, doll. I'm here for you, whatever happens, okay? You're not alone now. My god, I have so many questions for you, I want to know everything. That's some holiday souvenir you brought home!"
"Girls? You in here?" Bea's voice calls from the entrance to the fitting rooms. I sniff again and wipe under my eyes.
"Do I look okay?" I whisper and Clare licks her thumb and wipes some mascara from under my eye. "Good thing I love you," I say with a smirk.
"Love you," she whispers and kisses my cheek, "let's go."
"Yes, we're here," I call out as I open the door.
"Oh, I wondered where you were."
"Sorry, I just wanted to try this on and we couldn't see you," Clare says, in explanation.
Bea looks at the blouse with a frown... "Clare... that's like, a size fourteen... I assume it was too big?"
Clare looks down at the very conservative blouse and nods, I can see her wondering how to get out of this. "Hmm. Yes, it is, isn't it. I, um... I wanted a baggy look, it didn't work. Anyway, have you got what you needed?"
~~~~~~~
We continue to shop, finding a few gifts for the boys and some wrapping paper and gift boxes. We decided a while back to leave our gifts for each other at home under our tree, to exchange when we return. It seemed silly to add to the luggage allowance. I find a few little things that I think will be perfect for Luke, considering he is so hard to buy for, so I really hope he'll like them.
Just as we step out of the gift-wrap shop and make our way down the street for coffee, I feel strong arms wrap around me from behind and warm breath caressing my neck. To the side of me, I see Daniel embracing Bea, too.
"I've missed you this morning, Princess, wanna go somewhere and fuck?" Luke whispers in my ear, making me burst out laughing. I lean back against him, smiling.
"Definitely. Let's do it."
He turns me to face him and kisses me softly, looking directly into my eyes. I'm dazzled, still, by his incredibly handsome face. "Excellent. I could really slip my hand into your panties right now."
"Oh, I'm so pleased to hear that..." Oliver says in disgust, rolling his eyes and turning to Clare, shaking his head.
We both giggle and share one more kiss. He looks at my face again and cocks his head to one side, "Are you okay, baby?"
I nod, "Uh huh, I'm fine, thank you."
"Sure? Your eyes are different, like you've been crying or something?" How does he notice this stuff? Bea didn't even notice, but then again, she wasn't up close and personal like my man is right now.
"No, it's just the cool breeze, it makes my eyes water."
"Okay, as long as my girl is good."
"Are you coming for a coffee with us?" I ask, hoping they will, we've only been apart for a few hours and already I need him near me, holding me. It's as if I run on Luke powered batteries that can only go so long without being charged. I can't remember ever being so dependent on anyone, especially not emotionally. I feel like I've stepped into someone else's life, and I love it too much to ever leave.
"Sure... Danny?" he calls, disturbing his and Bea's clearly private conversation, she's smiling and flushed and he's got naughty thoughts written all over his face. "You wanna join the girls for coffee?"
"Sure," he replies, and they look to Oliver for his approval.
Sitting around the table in the warm coffee shop, all I can do is gaze at him, thinking about Wriggler. I'm psyching myself up to tell him. I will tell him today, absolutely, definitely. I will find the appropriate time and he will know. He will be shocked, maybe a little cross that I have kept it from him, but he'll be okay. He'll be fine, maybe even a little excited. He won't leave us. Oh fucking fuckers, I hope he doesn't leave us. I think my heart would just stop beating.
"Did you buy me stuff?" he asks, cheekily, making me grin. Again.
"Maybe. Did you buy me stuff?"
"Yep. But it's all in the car so you can't go exploring my bags."
"I like surprises, anyway."
"Good," he says, "me too." Oh god, I hope that's true!
"So when are you off to the slopes?" I ask, enjoying the fact that he will be able to do what he so loves again, instead of having to stay in with me. Though I will look forward to his return; I am definitely ready for him to throw me about again... maybe somewhere naughty. Oh, and also because I will be discussing Wriggler with him. Yes, Tilly. Get with the programme, stop thinking about sex; hot, hard, scream-worthy, bad-boy sex...
"I don't know if I'm going to go, I want to come home with you." he says, reaching for my hand as he sips his coffee.
I play with his fingers and smile. "Do you?"
"Yeah. I really do. And not just to poke you with my baton either."
I giggle quietly. "What do you want then?" I ask, softly.
"I want to fall asleep with you on the balcony again. Just you and me, wrapped up warm inside the comforter, listening to the snow fall." I gaze up at him and realise that I'm witnessing yet another Luke now. In-love Luke. Gentle, sweet, I-love-you-with-all-of-my-heart Luke. And I feel so special to be the one that this Luke comes out for.
I clutch his hand in both of mine and hold it to my heart. "That would be lovely, I would really, really, really like that. But you've agreed to go with the boys; they haven't spent any time on the slopes with you, I'd like you to go and have some fun with them."
He pouts playfully. "Oh. You don't want me?"
I giggle at his joviality, "Of course I want you. But I have to wait until you've had some fun. I can't keep hogging you. When you come back, we'll have some time together before we go to Bea and Daniels. And then, after..."
"Mmm, after? I like the sound of that. What about during? Maybe we can get up to some mischief during dinner..."
"Sounds... creative. I will look forward to it."
We continue with our group coffee date, talking about the plans for Christmas Day, tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to. Just one little huge thing to get through first. I'm shitting myself.
We leave after we have all warmed up and rested a little; the boys head off to ski, and we visit a couple more shops before hopping back in the limo and going home. Bea stays in the car and continues back to her house to get ready for dinner, and Clare and I climb the stairs to Alexia's luxurious pad.
We go straight upstairs to Clare's room, to wrap everything. It occurs to me that I haven't even been in here yet, I've been so preoccupied with me and Luke, that I've spent no time exploring the rooms in which my friends are sleeping.
Clare's room is gorgeous, and clearly the master suite of the house. She has a beautiful stone fireplace facing the end of her bed and double French doors on either side to the large, covere
d balcony. Her en-suite is bigger than our entire maisonette at home, with a beautiful oval, stone bath centring the room.
"Bloody Nora, Clare, this room is flipping gorgeous!"
"I know, if you were quicker on your feet..."
"Naa, my room is fine, I'm in Luke's most of the time anyway. This must be Alexia's bedroom," I say, strolling slowly around, scoping out the features and fittings. I open the balcony door and step out to a different view than mine and Luke's rooms, but a beautiful one none-the-less.
"Come in, Til, it's freezing and I have a gazillion questions to ask you, you're forgetting that we have a little baby to talk about."
I smile and re-enter the room, closing the doors behind me. "Yes, we do. So go ahead. Ask away," I say as I sit, cross legged on the floor next to her, taking the cellophane from the rolls of wrapping paper.
"So, you're sixteen weeks."
"Tomorrow."
"Sixteen weeks tomorrow," she nods, "so that means you're due when?"
"Eleventh of June."
"Ooh, just before my birthday! How exciting. So, how has it been? What's it like? Does it feel funny? Did you have morning sickness? Oh my god, how did I not notice? You've been so ill! I hadn't even connected the two until now."
I nod and shrug, "Yeah, I felt really shitty for a while, I wasn't sick all the time, but I felt like I had a really bad hangover, or like... car sickness - for weeks. I had two weeks where I thought I was going to be sick every time I moved, but that passed, thank god. I'm feeling a lot better now, just tired."
"So the bad two weeks, is that when you took that time off work?"
"Yeah."
"You've been avoiding going to the pub and stuff... I thought that was all to do with you missing Luke!"
"It was at first, before I knew, but I also felt really emotional and couldn't work out why - turns out, I had pregnancy hormones to blame."
"It all makes sense now; you not drinking... hang on, what about all those vodkas I bought you when you did actually come to the pub."
