by Lovell, Dani
"Please don't go," I beg.
"I'm not going. I'm going to undress and get in to bed so we can talk about this."
I climb off him and into the bed. Covering myself, I sit up against the headboard and watch as he undresses. He removes his top and starts to unbuckle his belt. He pauses. "So... there's a child inside your body..."
"Uh huh."
He continues to remove his trousers. "And you haven't told me because you were scared? Of what? My reaction or that I'd leave?"
"Both. Scared that you wouldn't want it, scared to never see you again. Lots of things."
He turns off the light and walks over to climb into bed next to me. The light from the en-suite illuminating us both.
He pulls back the cover and looks at my belly. "How pregnant are you? Like, three months or what?"
"No, I'm actually sixteen weeks tomorrow."
"And what's that line going up to your belly button?"
"It's called a linea nigra, apparently it's totally normal. I had to look it up."
"How can I not have seen your stomach? We've had sex, like, every ten minutes."
"I was just being... careful."
"Careful not to tell me that I'm going to be a father?"
I pull the covers back over myself and slink down in the bed, to lie down. I turn to face him. "Yes. I'm sorry."
"You keep saying that, Til. I know you're sorry, but I still have questions, okay? I just found out that my girlfriend of one day is four months pregnant. How does that even work out?" He starts to count the weeks back on his fingers.
"You have to add a couple of weeks on to the pregnancy date, it's all worked out from my last period, not the actually conception date."
"Oh, okay. So, what? Have you had one of those ultrasound things?"
"Yes."
"Jesus Christ, Tilly." He runs his hands through his hair and shakes his head. "You have done all this stuff knowing I'm the father of your child and you didn't fucking tell me? I should have been there!"
"I didn't know if you'd have even wanted that, Luke. I didn't think you'd want to change your life to settle down. We weren't an item then, remember?"
"I know, but fuck! I'd have liked the choice."
"Would you have been there? Do you want a baby?" I ask, quietly.
"Shit, Til." He shakes his head. "I am just so out of left field here, I mean, Christ. I don't know what to think."
He stays silent for a minute, just looking at me, and suddenly he jumps. "Oh, fuck, I know you said you hadn't, but please god, tell me no one has touched you or my baby."
I frown, "What do you m... oh... No! I haven't slept with anybody, Luke. Just you."
"Okay. But we've been rough, Til, I've been throwing you about all over the place... shit, that can't be good?"
"It's fine, Luke. We can have sex the way we do without it harming the baby."
"The baby..." he repeats.
I nod. "The baby."
"There is a baby inside your body, that is made of you and me..."
I nod and the tears flow again, just the way he describes it is beautiful to me. The man I love and me made this thing. It might be freaking him out, but I love that fact. "Yes. And no matter how you feel right now," I say with a squeaky voice, thoroughly laced with emotion, "I am so in love with it, because of that. Whether you want to stick around or not, my little Wriggler is part of you, and that makes me love it so much more. And if possible, it makes me more in love with you." I sob as he just stares at me. He doesn't know what to do or say, and I understand that, but I will damn well tell him how much it means to me.
"Til, I..." he shakes his head and I throw the covers back and get out of bed. "Where are you going? Tilly? Are you sick again?"
"I'm just getting tissues. I'm coming back. I'm fine."
When I return to the bed, blowing my nose, I plonk myself down and sit cross legged.
"Get under the covers, Princess, it's freezing."
"No. I'm fine. I need to sit for a minute."
"Okay." He gets out of bed and walks over to the balcony to close it.
"You didn't have to do that, Luke."
"Yes, I did." He sits on the bed behind me and positions himself so that I'm sitting between his thighs, my back against his front. "Now rest back." He holds my hands and places them gently on my belly. I lean against him and turn my head so my face presses against the front of his shoulder. "We've got a baby in here. Wriggler, you say?"
I grin, "That's what I call her."
"Oh, her?"
"I don't know, it's too early for all that, but I say him or her, depending on my mood."
"Okay. And what about your throwing up in there, what was that about? Is everything okay? Could that harm the baby?"
"No. It's okay. I ate too much and I worked myself into a state, worrying about telling you."
"Oh, baby, that's bad. You shouldn't have felt like that. If you'd have just told me earlier, it wouldn't have got that way."
"I know."
"Does anyone else know?"
"Well, please don't go mad. I didn't tell anybody, because I thought you should be the first person to know, but Clare told me today that she knows. She guessed."
"And let me guess, she told Bea. And if she told Bea... then, fuck, Danny knows! Danny knew about my own fucking child before I did? And he didn't tell me?"
"No!" I shout, "Calm down! Bea does not know, and neither does Daniel. Clare knows it's not her place to tell anyone and she hasn't."
"And your sister?"
"No! I told you, I didn't tell anyone."
We sit in silence for a moment before Luke suggests I get into bed. He goes down for a glass of water and I sit waiting for him to come back. It seems like forever before he opens the door again, but as he enters, I see why. He has made us a tray of tea and biscuits. He walks to the bed and puts it down on his side table.
"I thought you could use some tea."
"I really could. Thank you. Are you still mad?"
"I'm not mad Til, I'm just completely overwhelmed, can you understand that or am I being unfair?"
"No, not at all Luke, I totally understand."
"I mean, I got a girlfriend yesterday. I realised I want to get married some day, today, and now I am going to be a dad... I mean, it's not your average Christmas Eve, you know?"
I smile. "I do."
"I just, I can't stop thinking that you've been doing this all on your own... you had no one to talk to about it, no one to go to appointments with. I can't bear that. You should have told me."
"Honestly, Luke, I didn't think you'd be into it and the thought of wanting you so much and then having you tell me you didn't want to play an active part in the baby's life would have killed me. I was so depressed back in England. I knew I had to tell you, but I wanted to do it face to face. And then... well you know how that panned out."
"I fucked you on the kitchen counter. Man, that was good."
I smile. "It was."
"So when you told me that you couldn't get pregnant... it's because you already are. You could have told me then. When we were joking about wanting each other's babies, you were holding this secret. Every time we've had sex, you've been trying to avoid me seeing you... god, this must have been hard for you."
"Oh don't, Luke, it's not about that. It about me being stupid and not telling you sooner."
He pauses and looks at me, holding my hand. "It's about you and me having a baby, Princess."
We continue to talk, I answer all of his questions about the pregnancy so far and all of the situations where I have avoided having to tell anyone about it. He is strangely excited that I am not actually afraid to ski. He is, however, very sad that I can't share a hot tub with him.
"Yes, but don't forget, Lukey, now that you know, we can shower together."
"Let's do it now!" he says, impatiently. "No, wait, that can't be good for the baby, no shower sex. No."
"What? Yes, shower sex, yes!"
"I'm not doing anything that
might harm you or Wriggler." Uh... just sharing that name for the baby makes my heart swell.
"How is that going to harm either of us?"
"We'll you know, funny positions, might not be good... and you might fall..."
"Luke, listen to me. Sex will not harm the baby. Whatever the position. And I am highly unlikely to fall with a giant man like you in there with me. I think you'd catch me if I slipped."
"Okay. Maybe."
"Okay, yes."
"And the ultrasound? Did everything look normal?"
"Yes. It all looks perfect."
"Does he move in there?"
I nod and he raises he eyebrows in delight, "Really? Could I feel it?"
"You couldn't, but I can. It's like little flutters."
We drink our tea and talk about everything he can think of, before we drop off into a wonderful, needed, deep sleep. He holds me tightly from behind, resting a hand on Wriggler, and kissing my neck every time he stirs. It was an extremely emotional experience, but I have to say, it was a lot better than I had expected. Just like Queenie said it would be. I thought he'd get a lot angrier. He seems, if anything, a little excited. I appreciate he's got an awful lot to get his head around, but I think it'll be okay. He still loves me, clearly, and I can only be one hundred percent grateful to him, for making this experience, one that I'll remember for good reasons. He isn't leaving. We can do this. We can be the happy family I so wanted him to help me create.
CHAPTER TWELVE
TUESDAY 25TH DECEMBER - CHRISTMAS DAY
When I wake, Luke isn't in the bed with me. I sit up and again, notice that the balcony door is open so I assume he's out there. I climb out of bed and go to the loo, planning on joining him afterwards. As I return from the bathroom, I find him sitting on the bed, waiting for me.
He smiles, sweetly. "Merry Christmas, Princess." It's Christmas!
"Oh! I forgot it was Christmas Day! Merry Christmas, Lukey." I say as I climb back onto the bed and crawl over to give him a kiss.
"Merry Christmas, Wriggler," he says quietly, touching my belly.
"Merry Christmas, Daddy." I whisper, tentatively, assessing his response. He raises his eyebrows and inhales, sharply. Maybe that was too much, too soon.
"Wow. Daddy..."
I nod and hold his hand. "That is what this makes you... but we can take it slowly. Get you used to the idea, okay?"
He nods and smiles at me. "Sure. So, we need to get ready for breakfast, Til, but I wanted to give you a couple small gifts in private, first." Ooh! Presents! "Don't expect too much, these aren't big gifts," he says as he leans down the side of the bed and pulls out a small, gift wrapped box.
"Oh, how exciting! Thank you!" I say as he hands me the box.
"Now, this might not be very... appropriate... now, but I bought it back in California, and it's for you. So I'll give it to you anyway."
I peel off the ribbon and open the box, pushing tissue aside to find the gift. I pull out an incredibly sexy, black, corset style underwear set that I seem to recognise.
"I don't know if you remember, sweet-cheeks, but this is what you were teasing me with back in Nordstrom, that day we met. Just before our first kiss. I couldn't get it out of my head. I bought it after you left, in the hope that I'd be able to give it to you, one day."
I smile, remembering it well. "Yes, I remember it. I love it. And yes, it is appropriate, just because I'm prego, doesn't mean I can't be sexy."
"Well you're right there, you're sexier than ever right now."
"Thank you, I love it, and I love that you remembered it."
"Good. Here's another little thing..." he says, handing me another box.
"Oh, thank you..."
I begin to open this box, smiling, loving that we are sharing our first Christmas Day moment, alone. I pull out two plush bunnies, the cutest things I have ever seen, really fluffy with huge, floppy ears and a little red heart embroidered on each of their bellies. One is the palest pastel pink and white and the other is beige and white. "Oh, these are so cute!" I hold them to my chest and hug them both.
"Well, you know we're a couple of love-bunnies..."
I giggle, these cute, fluffy little things represent us and our crazy bedroom antics.
"This one is me..." he says, taking the beige one, "and this one is you. See?" he says, pressing their noses together so they kiss. I could cry all over again, this is just so cute! I giggle and wrap my hand around the back of his neck, kissing him.
"I love them, thank you. And I take it it's just a huge coincidence that they have little hearts on their tummies?"
He chuckles. "It is. I thought that when you're in England, and we're not together, you'd have something to cuddle. But as it turns out, you will take a little bit of me everywhere you go anyway."
"I will. Forever." He raises his eyebrows and blows, still finding the whole situation a little daunting.
"Anyway. I have something for you, too. I really don't want you to freak out. I'll be back in a sec."
"Freak out? Oh god. Okay."
I climb out of bed and throw on one of his t-shirts to head straight out to my room to collect the couple of things that I have, that I can only give him in private. Once retrieved, I join him back on his bed.
"Now, this one," I say, as I crawl over to him, "I bought yesterday and it's not intended to scare you or make you get all deep or anything; like your gift, it is for you to take home with you, to remind you."
"Okay..." he says, as he tears off the ribbons and wrapping paper, and holds the small black bear in his hands. He smiles and whispers, "Papa Bear," - the words on the bear's t-shirt.
I hold the tears back, I'm not sure why this is emotional, but it is. "Yes, well, you did say we might have woken the black bears out of hibernation the other day..." I giggle, "but it's just a little something to take with you. To remind you of... you know."
"I do. Thank you." He sits the bear on his table and smiles at it.
"And the next thing is from England," I say with a long exhale, steadying my nerves, as I hand him the box.
"Should I be worried?" he asks with a grin, but as soon as he takes the lid from the box, his face drops. He gazes at it, his mouth slightly ajar. "I... it's..."
I nod. "It's Wriggler's first photo."
He lifts the frame from the box and continues to stare. "I can see... I mean, I can work it out and everything... there's her head..." He continues to stare in astonishment at the perfect scan picture. "This is... this is in there..." he says, looking at my belly as I sit on the bed.
"Yep." I whisper, lifting the t-shirt, exposing the bump.
He shakes his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry, Til. It's still a lot to take in, you know?"
I crawl over to sit in front of him and I take the frame from his hands, before holding them in mine. "Luke, listen to me. I'm not expecting you to suddenly be acting like this is how it's always been. I know it needs to sink in and it'll take a while. It took me a long time to get used to the idea. It's okay to be freaked out."
He looks into my eyes and smiles slightly, before looking down at our hands. "It is a little... daunting. I mean, it's really cool and everything, but I am totally freaked out that someone is going to call me 'Daddy'. I'm worried about you, too. I mean, you're up to date with your appointments and all?"
"Yes, don't worry about me, I'm fine. I had morning sickness for a while, that's gone now, thank fuck."
"But, you had no one to take care of you then! Jesus, that really gets my goat. You should have had support. You should have had someone looking out for you."
"I'm alright, Luke. Stop stressing about me, and concentrate on trying to process the baby news."
"Well, you're a huge part of that, Til."
I nod and sit silently, not really knowing what else to say. Maybe if I'm quiet, he can start getting things right in his head. A few moments pass before he speaks. "I've got one more gift here."
I look up at his beautiful face and see his smile as
he passes a box to me. "Thank you," I say, taking it. Inside, I find a small clipping of mistletoe and I grin widely as I pull it out.
"Mistletoe."
"Yeah, I wanted us to have our own mistletoe moment. Just the two... three, of us," he says awkwardly.
I lift it up above my head. "Come on then, bad-boy, kiss me crazy."
He smiles and holds my face in his hands, leaning close to kiss me. He's soft and gentle and slow. His tongue lightly licks at my lips before his hand moves to the back of my head and threads through my hair, as he moves faster. I can't get enough of him, I love him so much, I need everything he offers me. I fist my hands in his hair and sigh loudly, inching further towards him. He pushes me gently to the bed, until I am lying beneath him, loving every inch of his body on mine.
He breaks away to sit up on his knees and pulls his polo-shirt over his head, revealing his outrageously good torso. I still swoon like I've never seen it before. He pushes my t-shirt up my body with his strong hands, until it's bunched at my chest, taking a long, hungry look up and down my naked form. He firmly runs his hands down my sides and lowers back down again, resting on top of my body, returning his lips to mine.
I moan loudly as his tongue twists with mine, my legs bending either side of his body and wrapping around him. I slide my feet into the waistband of his track suit bottoms and push them down his thighs and he chuckles into my mouth. "Well done, I'm impressed," he says, deserting my mouth to lavish my face with tiny kisses.
"I need you..." I whisper, my eyes closed, my body tightly wrapped around his.
He kicks off his trousers and moves to kiss my neck. "I don't want to fuck you hard, Princess, not today," he mumbles against my skin.
"What do you want? I need you, Luke, please?"
He continues to kiss at my neck as he holds one of my boobs in his hand and caresses, divinely. I moan and writhe beneath him. "This is why they're bigger? Because of the baby?"
"Uh huh," I moan, praying he doesn't stop, "yes, but it's so good, don't stop, please don't stop."
He squeezes a little harder, making me cry out in pleasure, all while still kissing and nibbling at my neck. "We can make love, baby, but not hard. Okay?"
I'm assuming this is because of the baby, but I'm not going to question anymore. "Okay, please..."
