by C. T. Phipps
Which was appropriate, since all three in one grabbed me off the car roof and then proceeded to slam me up against the ruined car’s side. The figure assaulting me was a hulking cyborg with gigantic metal arms and legs, excessively large shoulder pads, ammo belts across his exaggerated chest, and literally dozens of guns strapped to every part of his body. He was in his mid-sixties, biracial, with a cybernetic eyepiece that looked like the end of a microscope. I recognized the freakish-looking man as one of my first foes. Something I found more than a little unsettling, since I’d killed him and his team.
“Captain Disaster?” I said, wondering if I’d hit my head harder than I thought.
“That’s Colonel Disaster now!” Colonel Disaster growled.
“How the fuck are you alive!?” I said, wondering if it was just the good people who stayed dead in this world.
“Nanomachines, son!” Colonel Disaster shouted in my face like a drill sergeant. “They transferred the memories and personality of my team into clone bodies waiting for us back at Extreme HQ!”
I blinked, processing that. “Okay, that would mean you’re not actually Captain Disaster but his duplicate.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Well, for me, very little but for Captain Disaster it means he’s still dead and you’re walking around with his face and job.”
That was when Colonel Disaster slapped me across the face with his steel hand. It loosened some teeth.
“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to avenge myself on you and your disgusting band of miscreants!” Colonel Disaster said, sending spittle in my face as he frothed with rage. “President Omega, God Bless his Soul, recreated the Extreme! and re-empowered it to lead his Darklight Initiative for the glorious purpose of protecting humanity from the evils of Supers.”
I decided not to argue with the cyborg about what constituted a Super and lifted both of my pistols, which seemed to cling to my hands when I wanted them, putting them right in front of Colonel Disaster’s face before pulling their triggers.
Nothing happened.
“Out of ammo?” Colonel Disaster said, chuckling. “Ain’t that a shame.”
I caused the two weapons to disappear into the folds of my cloak. I was exhausted and couldn’t put up any fight but if I delayed, even for a few seconds, maybe I could come up with something. I needed to keep this asshole talking. “I don’t need them to deal with the likes of a wannabe Space Marine like you.”
“I was a Marine,” Colonel Disaster said, throwing me over his shoulder onto the parking lot in front of me. It was clear he wanted to beat the hell out of me before killing me, unnecessary as that was. “My father thought I needed the experience to teach me some humility before I decided to follow in his footsteps and slaughter the mutated freaks of humanity.”
“Sounds like a wonderful role model.”
“He was.” Colonel Disaster pulled out a gun with a sword on the top and held it by its barrel—possibly the dumbest thing I’d ever seen in my life. “But all my time in the Corps taught me was that every pissant dictatorship, hellhole, and slum in this world is ruled by the guy with the biggest gun. You should have joined me, Karkofsky. We could have saved humanity. You get your powers from magic. You’re still human, kind of.”
I stared at him, shaking my head. “Please don’t tell me you buy into the bullshit you spew.”
Colonel Disaster advanced, keeping his sword squarely aimed at me. “Why not? It’s evolution. Homo sapiens are the dominant species on this planet because we’re the toughest, meanest, vilest sonsabitches there are. Homo eximus has every bit of our viciousness, intelligence, and strength with the addition of superpowers. Ditto thinking machines and aliens. We have to exterminate all three before they destroy us.”
He was almost in striking distance before I lifted a hand. “Hold the fuck up.”
Colonel Disaster paused, raising his left eyebrow. “Yes?”
I was probably going to die now but some things needed to be said. “Look dumbass, that’s not how evolution works. There’s no straight line forward of bigger, stronger, meaner. Random mutations occur, and carriers who successfully procreate pass them onto the next generation. You know what the most successfully evolved organism in the world is? Bacteria. Why? Because it’s still around and procreating after billions of years. Not because it’s especially awesome. Humankind managed to survive because of its ability to socialize, build tools, and fuck its way through most of its problems. We’re actually kind of squishy.”
Colonel Disaster started to speak.
“Not done yet,” I said, interrupting him. “The whole fear we’re going to be eradicated by Supers thing is even more stupid because Supers are human beings. They just have a useful mutated ability. Being afraid of them replacing homo sapiens is ridiculous because it’s going to be our children that replaces the current generation. That’s the destiny of all parents. God, assholes like you piss me off. The biggest fuck-you to my people came from a guy who didn’t understand Aryan meant from India.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you were Jewish. You don’t look—”
“Which would mean the Romani are part of the so-called Master Race! Ugh, I’m so glad I have a time machine so I can keep killing Hitler over and over again.”
“Hold on—”
“I’m up to thirty-six. It’s the only therapy after Mandy’s death that worked.”
“Are you done?” Colonel Disaster said, surprising me by letting me finish. “Because I’d really like to kill you now.”
I thought if there was anything else to say. I still hadn’t gained back any of my magical strength. “Nah, that was about it.”
“Time to die.” Colonel Disaster moved his hand away from the barrel and onto the gun’s grip before aiming it at my head.
He fired.
Chapter Fifteen
Where the Cavalry (of Sorts) Arrives
Closing my eyes, I briefly wondered what sort of awful punishments lay in store for me once I ended up in the hands of Death. I didn’t believe in the Devil, per se, since I was of the “Samael is God’s hatchet man” inclination but my boss wasn’t exactly the forgiving type.
A second later, I realized I wasn’t dead and opened my eyes. That was when I saw the bullet stop in mid-air, spinning as Colonel Disaster look confused. Blinking, I looked to the side and saw a breathtakingly beautiful raven-haired woman with ivory skin and a sexy witch’s costume that clung to her rather generous curves propped up by a corset.
Selena Darkchylde a.k.a The Black Witch.
My ex-wife’s ex-girlfriend.
“Hello, Gary,” Selena said, waving her hand in a circle at the bullet’s general direction. “Diabloman said you might be in trouble.”
“Oh no,” I said looking back at Colonel Disaster. “I’ve got this covered. Don’t worry about me.”
“You sure?” Selena said. “Because I can let it go.”
“Whore!” Colonel Disaster growled, pointing his gun at her head and firing a half-dozen bullets at her.
All of them stopped in midair.
I, meanwhile, moved out of the way of the current bullet in front of me before it resumed its natural course and plowed into the ground behind me.
“Why does everyone always insult my sexuality? Is it because of the way I dress?” Selena said, making a tsk-tsk noise. “I like the way it makes me feel and that really shouldn’t be any of your business.”
“Rowr!” Colonel Disaster pulled out an electrified Bowie knife before charging at her.
Selena proceeded to flip the car he’d held me up against and land it on his face. It didn’t kill Colonel Disaster; cyborgs were tough like that. It did, however, slow him down and give me enough time to recover a smidgen of my former power.
“Thanks, Selena. I take back roughly half of the horrible things I’ve ever said about you.”
“I, in turn, intend to lord this over you for the rest of your natural life.” Selena smiled. “It’s good to see you.�
�
“You too.”
Freezing Colonel Disaster’s arms against the ground because, honestly, I didn’t want to kill the guy, I decided I needed to return to the battle. The thought of Cindy being hurt was enough to make me feel sick, horrified, and worried beyond measure.
“Why do you think she’s out there fighting?” Cloak said. “She’s there to try and protect you.”
I’d never thought of it like that.
Picking myself off the ground, I stepped forward before falling to one knee, then getting up anyway. The number of explosions and bullet noises had decreased dramatically. Looking to the sky, I saw Gabrielle smash Ultradevil with an uppercut before the diabolical doppelganger fled through a wormhole. Gabrielle looked exhausted but had proven, once more, that she was more powerful than Ultragod.
Selena helped me stand up and walked me toward the ruins of the battlefield, where the remains of the Darklight troopers had been handily mopped up. Getting a look at the cavalry that had shown up, I wasn’t surprised why.
There was the Shadow Seven’s other four members: General Venom, the Human Tank, the Red Schoolgirl, and Bronze Medalist. Nightgirl was present, having joined the fight with non-lethal weapons as well as EMP grenades.
Much to my surprise, my less-than-favorite person in the world, Adonis, had chosen to come with a winged eighteen-year-old man I recognized as the superhero Icarus. There were even a few supervillains I occasionally worked with who didn’t consider me a category traitor: Nicky Tesla, the Florist (who’d been upstairs at the hospital after all), and my newly recruited henchman the Fruitbat. Gabrielle’s boyfriend, the Golden Scarab, was there too and looking every bit like a white-and-gold Power Ranger.
Diabloman was wearing power-armor retrieved from one of our earlier capers, which gave the already super-strong villain even more enhanced strength, immunity to most weapons, and a built-in proton-axe. His armor was painted with hellfire motifs and his mask was shaped like a demon’s. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d taken to wearing the outfit because toymakers were insisting because his old action figures weren’t selling.
“Wow, this is some group,” I said, looking around for Cindy.
That was when I heard Cindy cough and my attention immediately darted to her. Cindy was crawling out from between the ruined remains of two mecha that had been smashed together, holding her bloody fire-axe. Apparently, it had an ability to switch off its safety, as there were signs she’d gone axe-happy on several Darklight troopers nearby.
Cindy put down the axe and brushed off her cape. “Okay, which of you assholes smashed the mecha into each other without looking to see if a hot girl was between them? I know it’s not any of the straight men or Black Witch. Come on, who’s at fault?”
Bronze Medalist coughed. “To be fair, really, you were kind of unnoticeable in all of the chaos.”
“I am always noticeable!” Cindy snapped. “I’m ridiculously awesome!”
That was when I wrapped my arms around Cindy and gave her a tight hug.
“It had better be if we are to overthrow the president of the United States and his army of misguided superheroes,” Diabloman said.
“Then this group really isn’t big enough,” I said. “I don’t suppose you know where we can get an inexhaustible source of super-robots.”
“Actually, yes, but I’m hoping we can avoid casualties in the millions,” Diabloman said.
Then I saw Mandy.
She was crouched behind the others, blocking the sunlight from her face with a hoodie and her leather coat hiked up above her shoulders. Yet, it was unmistakable. Mandy, the vampire who had been my wife, had come to help me.
I wasn’t sure how to react.
“Okay, this is awkward on multiple levels. Nice, but awkward.” Cindy looked up into the sky. “Oh, hey, Gabri...err, Ultragoddess! You’re alive! Which is good because we came out here to help prevent you from dying!”
Gabrielle descended from the sky, looking down at Cindy and me with a sad look on her face before facing the others. “I appreciate all you guys have done for me. Certainly, I now know who the face of my enemy is. I didn’t want you all involved, though, because of how dangerous this is going to be.”
“Yes, because the first thing any superhero is going to be intimidated by is the prospect of danger,” the Golden Scarab said. “Also, it’s a wonderful thing to be kept in the dark about the president planning to murder your loved ones with his army of kill-bots and Nazi cyborgs. That will certainly protect us.”
I was starting to like this guy. “Well, in my brief conversation with President Omega, it seems pretty clear he’s taking his final days in office advice from Caligula. If we’re going to stop this guy, it’s got to be soon because it’s not going to take long for him to spin this into something that even further paints us as bad guys.”
“Surely, the Society of Superheroes can’t be that stupid,” Bronze Medalist said. “They’ll have to know how dangerous President Omega is after all this mayhem and if you stop to explain things—”
Gabrielle shook her head, looking among us all. “Now that I know who the imposter Ultragod is, it all makes sense. Ultradevil has ultra-mesmerism the same way I and my father do. It’s the ultimate power of suggestion and if he’s able to plausibly frame his ideas to the Society of Superheroes, like, say, that I’m the villain and he’s the hero then he’s very likely got them eating out of his hand. We might be able to break that control but it’s very likely we’ll be running into trouble with them soon.”
“Wait, you never used that on us, right?” Bronze Medalist said.
“No,” the Black Witch said. “We’re her friends. She’d never betray us like that.”
“No, of course not,” I muttered, remembering when she wiped my memory of her secret identity and our relationship when I was her fiancé.
“There’s more going on than you know,” Mandy said, still clinging to the almost non-existent shadows of the noonday sun. “I need to talk to you and Gary alone.”
“Like hell you do, Vampirella!” Cindy snapped. “Go find a teenager to sparkle on and stay away from the man you’ve already ruined the life of.”
“Okay, first of all my life isn’t exactly ruined,” I said, breaking away from my hug. “Second, I think we can safely let go of the Twilight jokes.”
“Fuck that,” Cindy said. “I’ve still got a bunch of things to say to Carmilla over here.”
“Hey!” Selena said. “Carmilla is a feminist icon!”
“Carmilla is a serial killer of women!” Nightgirl said. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, technically—” The Golden Scarab started talking about the historical origins and subtext of the character.
Gabrielle then conjured an Ultra-Force starter pistol and fired it in the air. “Guys, we have to decide what our next move is and now. I think, against all my better judgment, it’s best if we go directly after President Omega. There’s no telling just how far he’s prepared to go.”
“I know,” Mandy said. “Which is what I’m trying to tell you.”
Diabloman, however, talked over. “Señorita Anders, we must strike at this monster directly but let it be those of us who are already monsters in the eyes of the public.”
“I don’t let other people take the fall for my actions,” Gabrielle said. “Good or bad.”
Mandy started growling.
“Okay, I think we should listen to Vamp-Mandy,” I said.
“Vamp Mandy?” Cindy echoed.
“Well, I don’t want to call her Mandy-Mandy,” I said.
“How about just Blood-Sucking Murder Skank?” Cindy said. “That’s a good name.”
I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that.
Gabrielle waved her hand. “Everyone, be quiet. What are you trying to tell us, Mandy. You can be honest with all of us. Not just me and Gary.”
“It’s too late,” Mandy said. “The others are coming. I just have to get Gary to safety now.”
“What?” Gabrielle said, confused.
Unfortunately, we got our answer when a twenty-yard-long teleportation rift appeared thirty feet away.
President Omega’s voice carried through the air from the rift. “I would have loved to have teleported a nuclear bomb into the city, killed ten million people, and then blamed it all on Supers, but I’ve got something better planned. So instead, I’m going to introduce you to some of my new friends. Enjoy.”
“What an asshole,” Cindy muttered.
“I heard that!” Omega said. “Just for that, I’m totally mind-controlling the United States to think pale redheaded girls are ugly.”
“I’d like to see you try!” Cindy shouted back then turned to me. “Wait, he can’t do that, can he?”
I shrugged. “Maybe it’s dark-haired bronze girls’ turn.”
“They’re already hot!” Cindy said. “Look at the Hawaiian Huntress!”
We didn’t have time to discuss Cindy’s bizarre digression into looks when a small army of anti-heroes stepped through the rift. Some of them I recognized as people I’d killed, resurrected by Omega’s technology like Colonel Disaster, but others were some of the worst “heroes” of all time. People who had been touted by a bloodthirsty populace during the nineties and early 2000s as the “answer” to supervillain crime, only to inflict massive collateral damage and display a disgusting lack of every virtue that made superheroes great.
There was the Third Reich-themed armored soldier Iron Cross, the swimsuit-wearing katana-wielding Ninjess, the wild-haired bloody-jawed Bloodscream the Retributive, the chain-smoking magnetically-powered Jane Union, Soulflayer the Living Ghost Which Kills, a group of gun-wielding Ex-Tomorrow Society teen heroes whom I only vaguely recognized, Homicide the Serial-Killer-Killer, the Black Scarab, Ares, Bloodwalker, and a guy who suspiciously resembled me in an all-white version of the Reaper’s Cloak.
“Great Caesar’s Ghost!” Adonis said, staring at them. “They’ve restored the Extreme.”
