How to Bake a New Beginning

by Lucy Knott

  The tension lingered over the room for a few moments before Sabrina spoke up. ‘My life is far from glamorous, Lou. I wish you would stop saying that.’ Sabrina played with a tassel on the corner of the cushion she was holding. ‘I worked bloody hard to get where I am now, and even that took luck and a whole lot of help from Amanda. I deal with criticism and a fire-breathing dragon of a boss every day. The parties are rare and even they come with a barrel of paperwork and stress. I know I’m lucky, but it’s not for lack of work.’ Sabrina didn’t want to sound harsh, but she needed her baby sister to lay off on the comments about her unbelievably flawless lifestyle.

  Louisa tilted her head back against the couch cushion and took a deep breath. ‘It must be pretty close to perfection if it keeps you away from us eleven months out of the year,’ she muttered.

  ‘It’s work, Lou, and it’s my dream. I don’t like being away, but if I remember correctly at one point in time we were all pretty supportive of each other following our dreams. Just because you couldn’t handle London, where might I add, I think you would have done amazingly had you persisted, doesn’t mean I should give up on LA.’

  The words sounded harsher than Sabrina had intended, but it was all coming out now. Though she knew all too well the pain of missing home, Sabrina was also aware of how talented her younger sister was, and she had hated hearing that she had left university after only a few months. However, she had kept her thoughts to herself.

  Now that they were getting into the nitty-gritty of their arguing, the words burst out before she could stop them. ‘You could, and should, be doing so much with your designs, instead of working a nine to five reception job you hate. Yes, I live far away, but I don’t believe I’ve been a bad sister. I keep up with you all the time and I think you could have done that too. I think you gave up too easily.’ Sabrina was looking at Louisa now, feeling more determined, like she had wisdom to impart and her baby sister wasn’t the only one who could fire on all cylinders. Amanda remained silent.

  ‘I didn’t give up, I prioritized what was more important,’ Louisa said firmly, her head still tilted to the ceiling. Her words were now coming out calmly but remained unkind, like she still couldn’t accept Sabrina being away, yet Sabrina knew it was justified. She knew her sister was torn. No matter what Louisa said, Sabrina would still be going back to LA in a few days and there was nothing she could do about it. Sabrina felt a sharp stab of sadness in her gut. She understood that her sister simply missed her, but she didn’t think it fair of her to be so unsupportive and mean.

  ‘My family is important to me too,’ Sabrina said, faintly. It hurt her that Louisa could think otherwise.

  At their final exchange Amanda cleared her throat. ‘As entertaining as you two are, I’m missing all the good bits in this movie that I’ve only seen twenty times, and if you don’t start watching it I might have to play it again from the beginning, so I can better understand how Chris Evans just got naked.’ Amanda looked at them both and threw them each a Baci, before pointing to the screen with a raise of her eyebrows.

  Both Sabrina and Louisa caught the chocolate treats with twinning smiles and rolls of the eyes at their big sister, yet they didn’t care to look at each other.

  ***

  ‘This pizza is out of this world, Amanda,’ Sabrina said, breaking the silence and taking another slice, now craving savoury after the sweetness of the Baci. ‘Do you have the recipe written somewhere? I can’t think of where I put mine.’

  ‘It’s over there,’ Amanda replied pointing lazily in the direction of the bookshelf and to the book on the right of the top shelf. Sabrina followed her finger and nodded.

  ‘I need to learn how to make it,’ Louisa piped up. The tension from before had begun to ease, as the sisters brushed the conflict under the rug. It would pop up again and they would address it when the time was right.

  ‘I chatted to Grandpa today about making some stuff while he had us all together. He wanted to make you lasagna while you’re home, and I’m pretty sure he had more yeast prepping in the kitchen when we were there this morning.’

  ‘When does he not have yeast prepping?’ Louisa said, and all the girls let out a chuckle. There was always something being prepped in their grandpa’s kitchen.

  ‘We can go tomorrow morning and make it with him and you can practise,’ Amanda continued, sitting up a little straighter on the couch and grabbing her glass of water.

  ‘Found it,’ Sabrina shouted, flicking through Amanda’s recipe book on her way back to the couch. Louisa scooted up and Sabrina sat down next to her, as though no argument had ever occurred.

  ‘This is awesome, Amanda. I have recipes and notes here and there but never thought to do this.’ Louisa turned each page of the book in awe. Sabrina knew that over the years, Amanda had been writing down and trying to collect every recipe she had ever eaten or made at their grandparents’ house, but she didn’t know she had been placing them safely in a book. The recipes meant a lot to all the girls, but they were incredibly special to Amanda. Each recipe told a story, shared a memory from the girls’ childhood, and any spare moment her sister could grab she spent in her kitchen trying to perfect them.

  It was one thing to just follow a recipe, but it was a completely different thing making something from the heart and truly capturing the tastes and smells that Nanna and Grandpa were famous for. Sabrina knew that much – she had tried many herself, but she was no cook. Amanda could capture their creations to a T.

  Sabrina and Louisa sat in silence, mesmerized, simply reading. Amanda had included notes and quotes from their nonni and written down certain childhood memories that the recipes brought back, some Sabrina had forgotten. Sabrina couldn’t believe it; the book was phenomenal.

  ‘Aha, “Grandpa’s Pizza”,’ Louisa said, reading the title aloud, pointing at the words on the page and tapping her forefinger against it.

  ‘Erm, I might need a touch more detail – you know if you want the pizza to be cooked and edible.’ Sabrina looked over at Amanda. ‘Ahem, add sauce and cheese like Grandpa does …’ she read aloud. ‘You always had a way with words.’

  Amanda turned to face them, moving her blanket with her. Sabrina watched her with a new sense of pride. At that moment, Sabrina felt incredibly grateful for her sister’s passion. This book represented their family. It was their childhood, their lives; it embodied amazing food and a love for those you were making it for.

  Louisa was still going through each page carefully. ‘The thing is,’ Amanda said, speaking softly now, meeting Sabrina’s gaze, ‘you have to make it with him. Then you don’t really need notes, you just watch what he does, and you do it. You’ve done it before, Brina, you have it in you, you just need to practise,’ she finished with a smile.

  ‘This book is beautiful, Amanda, it really is,’ Sabrina said, trying not to get soppy on her big sister. ‘You know, this is the kind of thing you need to be putting on your blog, including stories with your recipes.’

  Sabrina watched her big sister shrug and shift uncomfortably in her chair. ‘I don’t think I’ll be keeping my blog. I don’t think it’s really for me,’ Amanda replied.

  Sabrina couldn’t help but tut. Amanda had only started her blog ‘Mangia’ a couple of months ago, if that. It was beautifully designed, elegant meets rustic, homey and perfectly Italian. The posts Amanda had shared thus far had been great, but where her big sister aced nearly everything she set her mind to, the wonderful world of social media seemed to have her beat.

  ‘What did I tell you last week?’ Sabrina said, with a shake of her head. ‘It’s going to take time.’ She looked at Amanda and smirked. ‘And patience. Try acquiring some if you want it to succeed. It takes people months and years to build up blogs and social media; it doesn’t just happen overnight.’ Sabrina put extra emphasis on her last words.

  It had taken her a good year to build her followers and show Lydia she had what it took to get likes and create a buzz. She didn’t care too much for this ne
w popularity contest, but she also couldn’t argue with it either. Social media accounted for so much in her line of work and these days it could open doors of endless opportunity for people. ‘Keep working on it and putting yourself out there and it will happen.’

  ‘I am working on it, but it takes up so much time and sometimes I cook and forget to take pictures, or I’ve already taken a bite and ruin the shot. And I don’t understand all these SEOs and why people haven’t been commenting. I know the recipes are good, so why don’t people like them?’ Amanda moaned, took a sip of water and shrugged again.

  Though listening to Amanda was frustrating, Sabrina could understand that it seemed the blog was messing with her sister’s confidence.

  ‘First off, stop whining. I just told you it will all take time and secondly, I understand you are busy and you like to eat what you bake, but you will figure it out if you want it to work,’ Sabrina said, trying to have an air of sympathy in her voice but failing. Her eyes stung from the jet lag now and she didn’t want to keep discussing the perils of social media. It could be rather draining trying to comprehend it all and she knew once Amanda figured it out, people would adore her blog. Amanda just had that charm about her.

  ‘I have to agree with Brina on that one. If you love what you are putting out into the world, which we know you do, and you want to share your recipes with everyone, just have fun with them. Don’t worry about those comments, Amanda – just do it for you. Don’t sit there thinking it’s going to happen over night, Ms Perfect,’ Louisa chimed in, chancing a sideways glance at Sabrina.

  Sabrina offered a small smile, not wanting to stay mad at her baby sister for long. Louisa enjoyed social media and often shared her unique fashion sense with the world. Her pictures were creative, full of colour, and Sabrina hoped that the more her little sister’s followers grew, the more confidence it would give her to pursue her fashion dreams once more.

  ‘All right, all right, you two, no need to be so harsh. I get it,’ Amanda said, with just a small hint of irritation in her tone. ‘I’ll make you both a copy of the book if you’d like?’ she added, changing the subject and turning back around to face the TV. ‘Now, please, you are distracting me from Chris Evans.’

  Louisa who had continued looking through the book, while imparting her sparing words of wisdom, placed the book carefully on the coffee table. Sabrina threw a pillow at Amanda’s head before she passed around the bowl of Cantuccini as they settled back down to finish the movie.

  Just as Chris Evans and Anna Faris stripped off and jumped into the harbour, the phone rang with a shrill noise and Amanda reached out to grab it from the coffee table.

  ‘Hello, hey, Mum. How are you?’ she said cheerfully through snorts, putting the phone on speaker so they could all hear.

  ‘Are you girls free to come over?’ Her voice was low and shaky. Amanda shot up to her feet, her sisters following suit. This was far from their mum’s usual cheery hello. She always sounded so full of life, checking in on them when they were together. It made her happy knowing her girls were safe under one roof. She loved hearing them laughing with each other. But something was off and it unnerved Sabrina. The wave of anxiety that washed over her meant there was no time for questions.

  ‘We’ll be there as soon as we can, Mum,’ said Amanda.

  ‘Love you,’ they said in unison.

  Chapter 4

  Grandpa’s Pastina

  Ingredients:

  Orzo pasta, or any baby pasta (Judge amount based on how many people you are cooking for)

  Celery

  Onions

  Peeled fresh tomatoes

  Dialbrodo (Or any vegetable stock/broth, though this is the best)

  Pepper

  Olive oil

  What to do:

  Bring water to boil in pan. Add a drop of olive oil.

  Add the celery, onion, tomato and stock. Let them boil together before adding the pasta.

  Cook the pasta as packet suggests and add pepper to taste.

  Louisa often saw the world through a rainbow of colour, always seeing the light in each day. Now as she raced through the front door of their grandparents’ house, a coldness coursed through her bones causing all colours to vanish. Her world appeared dark and fear overcame her. It was as though everything had come to a crashing halt.

  ‘Mum, what’s wrong?’ Louisa said. Fear made her breathing ragged and she was gasping from sprinting.

  ‘It’s Grandpa,’ Mum said, so faintly Louisa felt as though her heart stopped beating for a second. She buried her head in her hands. She willed her mum to say he was poorly, to tell her that the doctors were on their way and that Grandpa was just having a rough night, but her stomach twisted, and she immediately felt faint. The piercing pain in her chest already told her the words that were coming next, the magnitude of the impact they would have on her life causing her knees to go weak.

  She felt her mum’s arms wrap round her, followed by her dad and her sisters, who had rushed in behind her. ‘He’s gone,’ Mum continued.

  Louisa felt her body go limp, her legs unable to stay strong. She collapsed in a heap on the floor. ‘No, no, please, no, Mamma. He’s OK, I’ll go wake him up – he’ll be fine.’ Her body shook violently; tears gushed down her cheeks. She was screaming, and she didn’t know how to stop. ‘He can’t be gone, I need to speak to him.’ She felt her mum kneel beside her but couldn’t bring herself to uncurl from the fetal position in which she lay to look at her. She couldn’t control her tears; her jumper sleeves were wet through. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, I’m so sorry.’

  Silence engulfed the room. Nothing could be heard except harsh intakes of breath and the muffled crying as tears flooded each face.

  ‘What are you saying sorry for, sweetheart? It’s OK,’ Mum whispered after a few minutes or more.

  Her kind voice caused Louisa to inhale a painful breath. ‘I’m sorry for not being strong for you. I’m sorry.’ She buried her head in her mum’s shoulder.

  ‘Oh, sweetheart, it’s OK, it’s OK, it’s hard for us all,’ Mum replied, tears escaping her brave brown eyes. Louisa hugged her tight before opening her eyes to see Amanda and Sabrina with their heads tucked in against their dad’s shoulders. She loved her family – how they understood each other and how close they were.

  ‘We just saw him this morning, Dad. He was doing fine, he was happy and laughing,’ Sabrina stammered, barely audible. Louisa could hear her cries too.

  ‘I know, sweetheart, I know,’ Dad replied, sniffling. He gave Sabrina a kiss on the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her.

  ***

  Amanda wanted to make a joke. She wanted to make everyone smile, to make everyone giggle the way Grandpa always did if someone was sad. But as she stood with her head on her dad’s shoulder, no jokes or funny comments were coming to her, just an overwhelming sense of grief. Her head was thumping, and her fists were clenched.

  She wasn’t ready for this. She was ready to prepare the house for Christmas festivities, to make sure the kitchen was fully stocked with all the ingredients she and her grandpa would need for the chestnut pastries. She needed her grandpa to help her, to show her how it was done. She couldn’t make them as well as he did yet. She needed to watch him one more time, maybe even two or three to be the master chef that he was.

  This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t time. She let out a cry and ran to the living room. Punching the cushion, she wanted to throw it across the room. She felt her blood pressure rising as her sobs got louder and her fists grew white from clenching them so tight. She looked around the room, the living room she had spent her entire life feeling content and safe in. The cosy room that had hosted afternoons of coffee and biscuits, while listening to Grandpa’s anecdotes.

  She didn’t feel like herself. She wanted to run. She needed to escape from this bad dream. Twisting her head around manically, she searched for Grandpa’s smiling face. He would come in any minute and greet her, give her one of his big, comforting hugs and te
ll her everything was going to be OK. She stood staring at the door, panting, praying.

  A few minutes passed before her sisters and Mum and Dad walked in. Her knees buckled, and she fell onto the couch, burying her head in a cushion. She could feel her chest rattling, her heart twisting and turning painfully, like it was trying to escape too, trying to get rid of the hurt that was just too much. Usually Amanda was the strong one – always there with a quick joke or sarcastic comment to keep things light and playful. Now that energy had vanished as tears stung her face.

  Minutes passed by as her brain tried to compute all the words that her mum was saying to Sabrina, but her heart was having none of it. She felt utterly hopeless.

  ‘Girls, he was happy. He wasn’t in pain,’ Mum was saying. Amanda scrunched up her nose, closing her eyes tight. She couldn’t stand to hear her mum sobbing. ‘My wish was that he would go peacefully in his sleep when the time was right, and I got my wish. He went to lie in bed this evening and when Nanna went up she found him.’ The tears tumbled down her mum’s soft cheeks and Amanda’s heart wished it could take away her mum’s pain more than anything in the world.

  ‘That’s good, Mamma – you always looked after him so well. I’m glad he didn’t suffer,’ Amanda heard Louisa say. She could hear the pain in her baby sister’s voice and it killed her. Her mum had lost her father, Dad had lost his dear father-in-law, Nanna had lost her soulmate, and she and her sisters had lost one of the best friends they’d ever had. She cried into her cushion as Dad sat down next to her and rubbed her back.

  ***

  ‘Where’s Nanna?’ Sabrina asked, looking towards her dad, her face red and blotchy. She wanted to form a plan. She wanted to fix this, make it better. That’s how her brain worked. She couldn’t stand there and feel hopeless; she had to make sure everyone was OK. Yet, she felt glued to the spot. No plans were forming; no solution came to mind. What could she possibly do to fix this?