How to Bake a New Beginning

by Lucy Knott

  ‘That’s very true, chickpea. I’m so proud of you,’ Mum said, leaning in to her to give her a cuddle. Amanda hoped all would be OK upon her return. She didn’t want to lie to her mum, but she didn’t want to make her more anxious than she already was about her girls being away from work.

  ‘Thanks, Mum. We’re lucky we have so many happy memories of him, you know. I’m here for you though – don’t feel like you have to be strong for us kids. He was your dad after all. This can’t be easy for you.’

  Mum let out a sigh and a slight laugh.

  ‘I have the best daughters anyone could ask for. Thank you, honey, but you are right. We are lucky for the wonderful memories and those are what I want to focus on. I got to have him for a very long time and I’m blessed that he still enjoyed life to the very end, still chatting away, mind fully there. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. But he’s not gone too far. I know he’s with me,’ she said, putting her hand to her chest, over her heart.

  ‘That’s true, Mamma, you are the best and always right. I love you,’ Amanda said, wrapping her arms around her and embracing her mum in a hug. In all her uncertainty about work and Dan, she knew one thing was for certain: nothing beat a cuddle from her mum.

  ‘I love you too. You know Zia Sofia hasn’t stopped going on about your cooking and how incredibly special you are. She says Grandpa and Nanna raised you right. I think she’d like to keep you given the chance. She says it’s nice having a young, fresh, enthusiastic cook around the house.’

  ‘Ha-ha, thanks, Mum, that’s nice to hear. I love cooking with them. I hope to be half as good as them one day.’

  ‘Don’t doubt yourself, honey. That pasta smells amazing. Now let’s go eat before we catch a chill,’ Mum said, grabbing Amanda’s hand and leading her back inside.

  Chapter 11

  Cornetto

  Ingredients:

  ¼ pint warm milk

  1 tsp salt

  1½ tbsps sugar

  1oz yeast dissolved in warm water

  12oz white bread flour

  4oz butter

  1 egg yolk beaten with a little milk

  What to do:

  Put butter in a bowl and pour on warm milk. Add the salt and sugar.

  Allow to cool to lukewarm then add yeast.

  Then add the flour to form a dough.

  Cover dough with a damp cloth and leave for two hours.

  Knead the dough then leave to chill.

  Chill thoroughly. (Ask Grandpa how long thoroughly is? Maybe an hour or more?)

  Roll out dough into rectangle and roll again, then chill.

  Fold twice more then roll to ¼ thickness and cut into 4-inch squares. (Really need to make these with Grandpa again. The rolling and folding is confusing. Wing it?)

  Grandpa said something about triangles and edges and rolling up into crescents. (Why do cornettos sound so complicated? Need Grandpa’s help.)

  Once they look like cornettos, place on baking sheet, brush with beaten egg and bake in the oven for 15 minutes at 220 degrees.

  (What would Grandpa do? Think – you’ve seen him do it.)

  Louisa shot up in bed. Her alarm felt deafening this morning. Its ringing caused beads of sweat to form on her forehead. She smacked the button with an anger that she felt was going to be present today, despite her best efforts. She wiped her eyes and quietly reached for the pile of clothes she had organized the night before.

  Careful not to wake the others, she tiptoed to the bathroom to get dressed. She wanted some time to herself, to calm her nerves, before she had to engage in conversation. She closed the bathroom door behind her and threw cold water on her face. Looking at herself in the mirror she felt numb and barely recognized the girl looking back. Her eyelids were discoloured, red and yellow in colour. Her cheeks looked sallow.

  She wondered for a second how Luca could possibly find her attractive. At once the waterworks erupted and tears streamed down her face. She was a different person now. But that was OK, wasn’t it? Luca breathed life into this new person. It was understandable for her to change. That didn’t mean she wasn’t lovable and that she would always be sad. Luca made her happy and Grandpa would want that for her.

  She sat down on the edge of the bath, focusing on steadying her breathing and getting her thoughts together. ‘You can’t do this today, Lou,’ she said to herself, clutching on to the side of the bath when she felt light-headed. ‘You have to be strong. I have to celebrate you, Grandpa. Please give me the strength to celebrate you because right now all I want to do is be sick,’ she sobbed. Releasing her grip from the bathtub, she turned on the taps. The sound of the water eased her heartbreaking thoughts. Later she simply went through the motions to get herself dressed.

  Her mind was still hazy as she stepped out onto the balcony with a cup of coffee in hand. What the day had in store for them was finally hitting her and it was hitting her hard. The rich, smooth taste of Lavazza soothed her scratchy throat. Looking into her coffee mug, a small smile escaped her lips. It’s true what they say about enjoying the little things in life and appreciating what you have. ‘This is a good cup of coffee, Grandpa,’ she whispered.

  She stood on the balcony until the moon had completely vanished from her line of vision. She chatted to her grandpa a while, looking out into the grey sky above, telling him that this wasn’t goodbye, she would talk to him every day. She could see him smiling down at her. She knew he wouldn’t want her to be sad, but she couldn’t shake the numbness that not having him next to her had caused. She finished her last drop of coffee as the sky started to brighten, and the sun peeked out from the dull clouds.

  Suddenly she heard the voices of her nanna and Zia Sofia in the kitchen. The house was awake. She headed back indoors and found everyone bustling around inside, making breakfast and beginning preparations for the day. At the sight of her, Nanna began to scramble, being extra fussy about food, telling her to eat. She pulled out all the plates of leftover cornettos and sfogliatelle and started putting bread in the toaster.

  Louisa’s heart gave a tug as she could see Nanna was distracting herself. She looked terribly ruffled and fragile, her brows furrowed and her eyes unfocused, not full of their usual sparkle. Taking the toast from her nanna’s quivering hand and placing it next to the jar of Nutella, Louisa hugged her tight before encouraging her to sit.

  ‘It’s going to be OK, Nanna. It is, I promise,’ Louisa whispered, taking her hand and placing a cornetto in front of her. ‘Eat, you will feel better.’

  Nanna simply shook her head and gave Louisa’s hand a squeeze. ‘You, mangia, mangia,’ she managed, her head hung low, waving her hand over the breakfast spread.

  Louisa picked up the cornetto and cut it in half, placing one half back down on Nanna’s plate and the other half on her own plate. She wasn’t certain her stomach could handle the buttery breakfast, but she didn’t want to make her nanna worry needlessly and so began munching on it slowly.

  One by one her sisters filtered into the kitchen followed by Mum and Dad and Zia Emilia and Zia Rosa. They sat in silence before Louisa offered them all a cornetto. As they each took a bite Louisa noticed their faces flush with a little more colour. It was quite remarkable the way food could evoke so many special memories and how it could warm you and lift your spirits.

  She forced herself to take another bite, knowing she would need the energy. Piece by piece the buttery flavour hit her tongue and she felt somewhat calmer. She could see Grandpa in her mind, busy in the kitchen, passion oozing from his every pore. Breakfast was one of his favourite times of the day.

  Her eyes prickled as she longed for another morning where she would burst through her grandparents’ front door, the strong smell of Lavazza in the air, Grandpa with his head over pots and pans, the oven already through half a day’s work at seven-thirty in the morning, Nanna asking her what she wanted for breakfast, as she, Louisa, made herself comfortable at the kitchen table and watched her beautiful nonni live life to the fullest. />
  ***

  Louisa walked with her sisters either side of her. They each held on tight to a picture of the Madonna and Padre Pio, as they walked in step to the church. Nanna and Mum were holding up OK. The girls had given them a little space to grieve together, though they stayed close, so they could help Nanna down the slippery stairs. Dad was walking behind with their aunties, all of whom were dressed in black, heads bowed as they walked hand in hand.

  There was a sprinkle of snow on the ground and on the trees around them, causing the pavement to glisten under their feet as the sun’s rays moved with them. Louisa was grateful that the sun had appeared and was keeping the cold at bay for their walk. As they made their way past the corner shops and houses, more and more people joined their party. They nodded when they made eye contact with the family and bowed their heads with sympathy.

  Louisa felt touched that these elderly men and women would brave the cold and the far from easy walk just so they could pay their respects to Grandpa. The knowledge that he had stayed in their hearts all these years, even when he hadn’t always lived here, made her smile. She spotted Luca among the crowd and her heart skipped a happier beat at the sight of him. She waved, which caught the attention of both her sisters. They waved too, smiling from Louisa to Luca, before returning their sullen stares to the steps in front of them.

  It didn’t take them too long to reach the church, yet Louisa’s thighs were burning. She tried subtly to rub them, allowing herself to bend over slightly and rest her hands on her knees to catch her breath. There must be something in the water, she thought, taking in the tanned and wrinkled faces of those around her. The Mediterranean diet certainly had a lot to answer for, as she didn’t see any of the older men and women in attendance struggling to fight a stitch in their sides. Grandpa did make it to ninety-six, she mused.

  Once the stitch in her side settled down she raised her head from the floor and uncurled herself, rotating her shoulders so she was standing up straight. Amanda gave her a quizzical look, her eyes narrowed, before they both smiled in understanding.

  It took a moment for Louisa to acknowledge the spectacular sight before her. Then her mouth dropped open. The church stood grand, the architecture magnificent. The yellow and cream brick shone in the sunlight. The two turrets either side of the entrance loomed over them in a way so regal and proud. The detailing and craftsmanship was enough to take your breath away.

  On each side of the square, colourful tiles depicting St Luca and the Virgin Mary added a touch of softness and spirit to the otherwise cold and dirty high walls. Off to the side a modest fountain blessed all who touched it with holy water as it ran from a small statue of Jesus and into a little dish below.

  Louisa closed her mouth and gulped, her feet unsteady when taking a step. She linked arms with her sisters and led the way to the last bundle of steps that would take them to the church. When they reached the top of the stairs the girls gasped simultaneously. The square was packed with people. As the girls made their way past the friendly crowd, they were greeted with waves, hugs, handshakes and whispers of ‘I’m so sorry.’

  By the time they reached the entrance, Louisa was left gobsmacked. She stared at the grain in the giant wooden doors at the front of the church, opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish. She felt overwhelmed by the number of people who had shown up to be there for her grandpa. Of course, it wasn’t too much of a surprise that he had made an impact on so many people’s lives, but still, at that moment, she lifted her head high and couldn’t have felt prouder to be his granddaughter. Likewise, she noticed her sisters were looking more confident, a determination suddenly etched on their faces as they too stood tall.

  Louisa blinked back a tear and noticed a gorgeous wreath, adorned with shiny golden bells and vibrant red holly, hung in the centre of the giant oak doors. Louisa had almost forgotten that Christmas was in a few days’ time. She looked back and searched the crowd for her parents and her nanna. From her viewpoint on the step, she found her nanna was busy stopping to speak and shake hands with the people as she passed.

  One lady ever so gently grabbed her nanna’s cheeks and kissed them, her hands shaking, tears glistening in her eyes. The lady’s face bore a torn expression. Her eyes crinkled with kindness yet there was a sadness in her gaze. Louisa imagined there was a pain at seeing someone you love again after so many years. Maybe she was a best friend of Nanna’s, since they embraced for longer than the others. Maybe the joy in seeing each other again was overpowering, thinking of the time together they had missed, while at the same time being grateful for another encounter.

  Many people hugged Mum, clearly thrilled to see her, Louisa observed. Some of them probably hadn’t seen her since she had lived here as a teenager. The sweet gestures and togetherness Louisa felt looking out to the sea of people made her eyes tear up and her mind wander to thoughts of the last time she stood in the same exact spot. It had been Easter and she had been six years old. She was wearing a pretty white and yellow collared dress with flowers embroidered on it and was holding a branch aloft with small parcels of cheese attached to it.

  After the Easter mass, she had run around the square chasing her sisters, who were nibbling on the sugared almond branches they had been given. They looked more appealing than the cheese branch she was carrying, so naturally, they teased her, and a game of tag broke out, with the girls running in circles around Grandpa as he spoke merrily with friends.

  The sound of the creaking church door interrupted her thoughts. Louisa felt both Amanda and Sabrina squeeze her hands tight. They stepped into the church as the church bells rang out. Looking back over her shoulder she spotted the pallbearers carrying her grandpa’s coffin. Life would go on, but it would never be the same again.

  ***

  The service was beautiful. Sabrina couldn’t have been happier with the celebration of their grandpa’s life. With him and Nanna being Catholic they stayed true to traditions as their grandpa would have wanted. The priest read Grandpa’s favourite readings and did the traditional funeral mass. However, the girls also wanted to be able to talk and share stories about Grandpa and so stood up to address the congregation towards the end of the mass.

  Sabrina felt a release in being able to laugh and joke and reminisce, being able to share her pain with others but also to share her love for the wonderful man she felt lucky to have called her grandpa. She felt Grandpa would have approved of their straying from certain traditional elements and recalling the odd humorous story. The girls took turns, picking up where the other left off, when their emotions got the best of them and the tears rushed down their cheeks, but they did well regaling the crowd with anecdotes and making them chuckle in memory. It was the next bit Sabrina wasn’t sure she could handle.

  Her eyes squinted in the sunlight and a dull ache settled in her stomach as she stepped out into the square. The sun peeked through the clouds, easing the chill of winter ever so slightly, and Sabrina thought about how she needed to invest in some fashionable Italian sunglasses and could now understand the fashion statement. The sun could be blinding.

  She moved away from the crowd leaving the church, checking over her shoulder that her sisters were safe with their dad, before she sat herself down on a bench that was tucked away in the corner. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she needed some privacy. She didn’t want this day to be real. She rocked back and forth in her seat, willing the sickness that was rising in her throat to pass. She hated being sick.

  For a moment, she got lost watching the cracks in the pavement and following their trails. Then she reached into her purse and pulled out her favourite picture of her grandpa. She smiled as his bright eyes and loving face looked back at her. This was the face she wanted to think about when she remembered him, along with the countless goofy and wonderful memories, not a vision of a box or a church. Raising the photograph to her lips, she kissed it gently and placed it safely back in the zip pocket of her purse.

  Just then a shadow appeared at
her feet. Raising her hand to her temple to shield the sun’s beams, she craned her neck towards the sky to see what large object was causing such a looming shadow. If she hadn’t been sitting her knees would have buckled and she would have fainted for sure.

  She blinked and rubbed her eyes, not sure if her eyes were playing tricks on her and if sunstroke was a thing in the middle of winter. It couldn’t be. But sure enough after blinking for the fourth time, she opened her eyes again to find Levi standing in front of her with tear-filled brown eyes, looking incredibly dashing in his black suit.

  ‘Oh, my gosh,’ she said, and without even a second thought Sabrina threw her arms around him and began to bawl.

  ‘It’s OK, I’m here,’ Levi whispered in her ear, stroking her hair as he did so. Sabrina didn’t have time to overthink her actions and contemplate her professionalism. She simply allowed him to soothe her. After a moment or two, she pulled herself away but kept him at arm’s reach. She didn’t dare look away in case she was dreaming. Instead she stood rooted to the spot just staring at his face, his brown eyes inviting and comforting. Another moment passed and once she was satisfied that Levi was not a mirage she turned to the tall, floppy-brown-haired guy next to him.

  ‘Dan,’ she managed before words escaped her and all she could do to express her gratitude at him being there was to hug him too.

  ‘That was a lovely speech you did in there,’ Dan said, his eyes glistening. Sabrina realized he had been crying too and though she would never wish for Dan to be sad or for anyone to ever experience the pain she felt, she couldn’t help but feel a love for him right there and then. Dan had met Grandpa once but had Skyped with him and spoke on the phone with him on many occasions, and of course, he had listened to Amanda talk about him non-stop, but Sabrina had a feeling that as much as Dan thought highly of their grandpa and respected him, his tears were for Amanda and because in this situation he hadn’t been able to protect her and no matter what he said, he wouldn’t be able to take away the pain in her heart from losing someone she loved with everything she had.