by Emjay Soren
Cash sounded like each word caused him physical pain. We had been partners long enough that maybe it had. He was a brother to me, the father of my blood, my Sire. That is something that Vampires cherish and keep sacred.
Those words my Sire, my brother, the father of my blood spoke, took what little happiness I had gained and burned them to ash before I could remember the feeling. I said nothing. Felt… nothing.
“Preacher?” My Bird asked from behind me, her small hand on my shoulder. I shrugged her off, her touch burning me. I could hear the tears in her eyes as she spoke, pleading for me to look at her. “Please Preacher, look at me.”
“Preacher?” Cookie was just as broken as Cash and Tavern had been.
I walked to my dresser and pulled a pair of jeans out, pushing my legs through with purpose. I slipped on my boots, no socks. I didn’t give a fuck. I grabbed the flannel I had used earlier to clean Tavern at the bar and slipped my arms in. Through all this, I said nothing, felt… nothing.
I looked to the only family I had, standing at the door, terrified of my next move. I couldn’t be bothered. I stood from the bed and walked past them all, ignoring their calls for me to ‘Come back!’ ‘Calm down!’ ‘We can handle this bullshit.’
All the hope I had just twenty minutes before? Gone!
All the kisses and touches to come? Gone!
All the promises I had finally hoped to make? Gone!
The Nex who killed my Emigen, my children, was looking in corners and creeks for me and the woman I cared for. Not again! Never again!
I saw clearly what my redemption was. She saved my life back at Bliss and now, I was to return the favor.
Done!
I let her go the minute Cash said his name. She was dead to me in that instant, and whether I liked it or not, she would stay that way so that she would live. Now I just needed to prove it to everyone else, Tavern included.
*
I didn’t get home until seconds before sunrise. I didn’t go, far but I couldn’t stay. Walking in the house I looked around at the opulence of the mansion. There was ample space for us times four, and yet I had felt confined before. I was suffocating even though I didn’t need the air I craved. I made my way to the kitchen and found bottle upon bottle of the Jim Beam that Cash preferred. There was some Absolute, Jose and Captain Morgan. I went for the Beam because it would burn the hole through me that I needed and we had the biggest supply of that.
I found my guitar and started strumming with my bifter tucked into the strings on the arm of my acoustic. I played for my pain, sang for it and I realized, while sitting here now that I hadn’t needed to release the pain this way since meeting my Bird.
I strummed a new tune I had been digging lately, a little Simon and Garfunkle could rule my mood. I strummed the melody to The Boxer and pulled from the bottle.
I was half a bottle in when I felt Leushus behind me. His emotions were high and on alert, overpowering Cash, Cookie and Bastian. They were all here, prepared for an intervention that would be a waste of energy. I had nothing left inside of me to save.
“Kill enough to make it go away?” Leushus asked and I smirked. Oh yeah, I killed a little tonight. I didn't even use the cross, my trusty tried and true. I used a stick and absolutely no mercy. I wasn’t shown mercy, so why bother giving any?
It was divine!
“Not yet.” I slammed another shot and longed for the burn that stopped after the first half of the bottle. As a vampire we needed water to keep our joints and muscles lubricated, we needed the liquor or in my case weed, to suppress Infatuation. I used neither tonight, and had it not been for the high I was on before Cash gave the details of my new fate, I would have been mobbed by women. It was now, in the silence with just my guitar, that I'd taken my smoke in and let it soothe me.
“Why not kill Angelo and stop this shit? Make the Cado work for it.” Cash offered. What a fool.
“If it was that easy I would have done it damn near a century ago!” I yell, and push back from my chair causing it to slide back against the wall and bust into pieces. The irony wasn’t lost to me, as I watched that chair break apart similar to how I'd felt myself breaking just hours before. How could they not see that I needed to be left alone? I was poison tethered to this life.
“Preacher, honey, let us help.” My Cookie pleaded with me, and even as upset as I was, I could not attack her. I looked to her with unshed tears in my eyes, and I wanted so badly to tell her 'yes, let’s do this shit'. But I stopped caring the minute they said he was coming.
It was then I noticed that my Bird was not there fighting for me. No, why would she be? I had yet again walked out on her. This time though was the forever kind. She deserved that, and so much more. Without me in her way she would have it all. I could see to that, even if it meant I killed anything in my way to see it done.
“You want her here so bad? Then go get her and fight!” Leushus roared. “My hell Preacher, do you think before you process these thoughts? Do you really think that tucking tail and shitting all over your last fucking chance will save her?”
When I nodded, he laughed sardonically. “They have her in their sites Preacher!” He yelled and slammed his fist on the table shattering the glass into nothing but dust. “Whether you are there fighting to keep her safe or not will, not fucking matter to them.”
“It will if they think I couldn't care less about her!” I roar. Now he's just pissing me off. I see Bastian out of the corner of my eye and he is watching me close fearing I may attempt to hurt Leushus. I look over my shoulder and scoff. “Calm your guard dog down, I’d not touch a hair on his angel head.”
“Fuck you!” Bastian blurts, and looks to Leushus. Showing he has his back, he crosses his arms over his chest as they stand side by side.
Bless my buddy Cash, because he grunted a “Hell fuckin' no!” And took the same stance beside me.
“Enough!” Cookie screamed, jumping up and down to get the attention of all the pissed off guys in the room. “This is insane. You guys protect each other, you don’t take sides. You're better than that, and I sure the fuck didn’t find my respect and trust for all of you because of this sort of shit. You want to act like a bunch of high school boys then go ahead, but not in my fucking house!”
"Cherry...."
"Princess...."
"London...."
"Cookie...." We all spoke at once, but Cookie was done listening.
“No, don’t even try that shit with me. This stops here. If Preacher wants to self sabotage, then fuckin' let him, wash your hands of him and start polishing his urn. As for the rest of us, we can fight this bastard, and I think we all agree that we want his head. We are an angel, a vampire, the one and only werewolf and me, a very pissed off woman who happens to love Preacher and hate Angelo on principle alone. I think we can take out a slimy little fucker like Angelo.”
Nobody said a word. Maybe it was shock that Cookie got that dark, maybe she was right and I was destined for ashes right quick, either way we all shut up and stayed that way for a very uncomfortable twenty minutes give or take. I continued to strum my guitar and softly sing to no one and everyone. I know the truth of the situation, but I don’t know if they do.
“I’m not afraid of him.” I say, my voice choppy and rough from whiskey and stress.
“I know.” Leushus folds his arms over his chest again. “I know what you’re afraid of, I understand it, too. Doesn’t mean she deserves a write off like that.”
“She doesn’t deserve to die because of some eighty-four year bone he wants to pick. This is about me Leush, it’s me he wants to destroy.” The words ‘collateral damage’ flash in my mind.
“Don’t let him then.” Cash says and clamps a hand on my shoulder in support.
“What would you do if it was Cookie they used to get to you?” I ask because he is the only one in the room that has loved another as deep as I loved Emigen.
He looks at Cookie, love washing over his face. I know his answer, I've felt
that love before once, too. “I would kill every fucker that thought of hurting my baby. I am dead as a fucking zombie, Preacher, but she keeps me going, she is my life and I would fight to the true death for my life.”
Cookie rushed to him and they embraced. Fuck me, even I got a little choked up on that. Looking at Leushus and Bastian, they were both looking in awe at Cash and Cookie. But I wasn't done yet. “And if they took her anyway, ended her life like it was nothing, like it was a fucking point to prove? What then?”
He couldn’t answer. He didn't have to. I knew his answer would be the same as mine, to end it all and follow her.
“I don’t know, Preacher. I can’t think of that shit because it makes me crazy, but logically speaking and how well I know myself, my anger would kick in long before despair. And I wouldn’t fade to ash 'till they were first.”
“And Tavern in all of this?” Bastian asks, the one closest to her, remindin’ me that she can’t ever be mine again. When everyone looks to him he shrugs. “I get why this is killing him, but what about the innocent Darcallion has already made a game of torturing? What about her life and what she is facing?”
“Preacher, care to share?” Leushus said. God, he was a shit. They would only fight me on it. I was done changing my mind, fighting to open up, hoping for the best. I was done. She was not mine, and would never be mine.
“It’s me they want and she is the easiest way to bring me to heel. They saw something between us that showed her value to me, so I take that impression away. From here on out, she is nothing more than a mark we protect. Cash and I have done it a thousand times over and with the exception of Cookie we have been successful in keeping it business. She is business and nothing more. They see that and they come at me some other way.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Then no harm, no foul, we keep her safe eliminate the threat and move on. She doesn’t need this shit, this life. Vampires damn near took it all from her, and now she's so twisted she's letting us decide her fate. Get her safe, clean and in a new life where danger is a car wreck or cancer. Not murder and torture alongside nightly meals of blood, and drugs that make you a whore. She deserves clean.”
“Do I get a say?” Tavern asks from the door, and I lock all emotion far away and answer her.
“Nope.” I see her face fall and she knows, before I can tell her to move on, she knows I am walking away.
“So earlier was what? A joke? See how far we can push the human before she breaks? Were you all faking?” She shrieks, and still I don’t flinch. Stone cold I tell myself. Stone cold.
“The heart wants what the heart wants, Bird, and mine ain't for auction.” I look to Bastian before adding the last nail in the coffin. “Bastian might be up for the task, warn ya though she has stamina.”
Bastian drilled me in the jaw and I went down. I'd expected nothing less. Adding insult to injury I laugh and get back up. “Preacher stay the fuck down!” Cash and Leushus both growl. I don’t listen.
“Who are you?” Cookie asks and I falter for a split second because I can’t stand knowing she is disappointed in me. Tavern needs to hate me, Cookie I need when I finally fall apart.
“Same guy I've always been Cookie, just seeing the lover in me is all.”
She slaps me and I know I deserve it. Cookie knew my fears of breaking my celibacy in a vain attempt to move on. As a former celibate herself, I'd just verbally slapped her.
“So that’s it then?” Tavern asks me again. Christ, I wish she would leave before I cave at her feet.
Stone cold… stone cold… STONE FUCKING COLD!!!!
I go for fucking rude Irish guy, and hope it works.
“Bleedin' hell but you’re a naïve twit. I wanted to keep at your box, Bird, not marry ya. Sure the fuck wouldn’t have turned ya. It was fun, but now I got a job to do and you’re a bleedin’ distraction. Clear enough, or should I write it in blood?”
She stormed from the room. I expected tears, but all I saw was ripe old fury. Good, she needed to hate me.
“Happy you heartless bastard?” Bastian asked following Tavern before I could answer.
“Think he’ll tell her?” I ask Leushus, and walk to the fridge needing blood and a clear mind.
“No. He's loyal to all of us. He knows you’re a fool, but you have reasons. He can forgive that, but he and Tavern are friends Preacher, just like you and your Cookie. You've offended the fuck out of him.”
“So this is it? You’re really doing this?” Cookie asked with giant tears in her eyes.
I nod and watch as she storms from the room.
“You sure about this, Preacher?” Cash asks, still locked in at my side, not even following the woman he loves.
“I have to be, you have to see that.”
“I do buddy. But are you really ok?” Ah, now I see the real question.
“Nope. Couldn’t save Emme, or my kids. I don’t know how the fuck I’ll save her, but at least I'll know he's coming this time. I’ll die trying to save her if I have to. I owe it to Emme, to Mary and Peter. I have no choice but to do this, and if the consequences make her hate me then it’s a price I’ll pay again and again. Last thing I want is her knowin’ bout how Emme died and that we had two kids together that died the same way. It will make it too easy to forgive me and I need her hatin’ me.”
“Then I got your back.” His support is worth more than gold to me.
Let the games begin….
Chapter Twenty
Tavern
Well there it was, yet again. Fuck him. I need to get out of this house. I would rather be back at Bliss, drugged into stupidity than to face him night after night after that little fucking reveal. Jesus, I was stupid. The old me, the one with goals and dreams and spirit, would have kicked him in the nuts and most likely spit on him or something else just as degrading.
The old me though, would have loved him as much as the new and decidedly naïve and desperate me did. I didn’t get far on my little self loathing stint when a knock sounded at my door.
“So fucking help me…” I stormed to the door, practically ripping it from the hinges to find my only allies in the house.
Bastian and London.
They moved as one when they pulled me into their embrace. Neither one said a thing, and the hug itself would have done me in, but the fact they walked out after me spoke volumes to their loyalty. “Thank you.” I whispered, as tears fell on Londons silk shirt.
“Of course baby girl. We got this, and we got you. You will rise above this, even if I have to kick your ass day in and day out until you see you’re better than him.” Bastian's voice was agitated, my pal was pissed.
“Bastian!” London sniped and smacked him along side his head. “We are not taking sides Bas, we love them both.”
“You love them both, London. I back Leushus, and you, and Tavern. That is where my loyalty lies. Preacher and Cash are part of my team. End of story. He hurt one of mine, and your boy backed him up, so fuck them both!”
Holy fuck he was irate! I'd never seen Bastian like this.
“Bastian stop!” I say, but it sounds lame coming from me after his tirade. “It’s not worth the energy to get this pissed over a bad break up......thingy.” Fuck, were we ever even a couple?
“No, Tavern I won’t stop. Because yes, you are worth every second I spend contemplating his death. What he said and did, how he treated you, was fucking despicable. He’s not worthy of even an animal’s loyalty.”
“Look Tavern, I can't do this. I love you. I hope you know that, but this is breaking my heart.” London moves to leave.
“How can you defend him, and stand here supporting her?” Bastian asks, his tone more edgy than before. I'm scared Cash will come storming in any minute, and then all hell will break loose.
“Because I know what this is doing to him, and I also know that Preacher has held back so much about his past. I’m not even sure Tavern knows about Emigen, other then she was his wife.” She pointed her glare at Bastian.
I felt like the look she gave him was code for something bad. “I don’t think she knows anything, and that is fucking alarming Bastian.”
“That’s his fault though, not hers.” Bastian is now leaps and bounds calmer. Whatever he picked up from her words and that look, was a huge factor. How sad that I knew nothing of what they were talking about.
“You're right but it doesn’t change what I know, and I know why he is so God damned mad and hurt and scared. I never had a family Bas, this is all I have, this is my world and I won’t watch it crumble around me.”
“Please stop fighting.” I squeak, scared that one or both of them will lose their shit if I yell. “Let’s call a truce. Love me and support me, and of course, love him and support him. There is no pick and choose and pull it all apart here. I love all of you, and I can see Preacher is hurting.”
“Oh for fucks sake, Tavern!” Bastian says incredulously. “Are you really gonna play the martyr for him?”
“No, absolutely not. I am empathetic to whatever has Preacher in such turmoil, but it doesn’t mean I am ok with being thrown away like trash. Regardless, I don’t know his whole story and you both obviously do. I figure if it's that bad then maybe he needs your support as bad as I do.”
“It is bad Tavern, and if it were up to me I would tell you everything, but I can’t.” London appears saddened by the fact she has to keep secrets from me.
Bastian sighs. “She’s right, it’s awful and heart wrenching what he's been through but I can’t see past this. I’m sorry. He is wrong.”
He was looking at London as he spoke and she nodded. “He is wrong, but I love him.”
“Then let’s agree that though he was mean and hurtful to me, somewhere deep inside, he has a reason for it. At the risk of sounding super fucking cheesy, let’s agree you are Sweden and I love Swiss everything.”
