by Green, Vicki
I laugh. “And what are you hoping for?”
She smiles, a healthy glow covering her face. “I know it sounds cliché but I really don’t care as long as the baby is healthy.” I nod, understanding completely. “After losing Vivian, we know that was due to the situation we went through, the extreme stress and well, violence from – well, you know.” She doesn’t want to say her ex’s name. I get that. “This time, our baby will be healthy, and we can’t wait until he or she arrives.”
We talk for a few more minutes, then she pats my hand and tells me she’ll see me later, stands, and I watch her walk off. She’s a good person, full of life, love. She talked about not living with regrets, but I already do. Regret. Remorse. Sorrow. Guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. How will I ever make this right? Is there even a way to do that? Let’s hope I never have to find out.
Chapter 12
“What am I doing?” Here I spent my entire lunch trying to convince Hailey that I’m not rushing things with Tanner, to try to trust your instincts, and now as I pack up my stuff in my apartment, I’m all nervous and shaking. And obviously talking to myself.
Once we’d gotten off work, the familiarity of Tanner following me to our apartment building overtook me, knowing we were coming here to pack up all that we can today and give our landlord our thirty day notices. I was excited, determined to pack as much as humanly possible. Now, I’m cringing from my decision and having second thoughts. A pounding sounds on my kitchen wall and then I hear the ping of a text message coming from my phone. I pick it up from the bare mattress on my bed and smile when I read it.
Tanner: Quit thinking about it and just pack. :)
God, he already knows me a little too well. I reply that I am packing, but I’d pack faster if he didn’t message me and receive a reply that he knows I’m thinking too much. He’s right, of course. How can he know me so well in only a few months? It’s like he can read my mind. It’s eerie at times just how well he knows me. I didn’t think I was that readable. Or maybe, he’s just that good. It’s obvious how well he knows my body. It’s like he’s known me all my life, whereas I have no clue who he is, completely. He’s still a mystery to me, and I want to know his deepest secrets but he doesn’t seem to want to open up to me. What is he hiding? Is it something I can’t live with? Is that why he won’t tell me? Smiling, I shake my head and tell myself not to worry. My phone vibrates in my hand, bringing me out of my thoughts. My heart begins to race as I see his name on another text. It’s like I’m at school, and I have my first crush. God, I’m acting ridiculous.
Tanner: Stop it and pack. I’ll buy you ice cream later. :)
A laugh escapes me, and my fingers move quickly as I type back an answer.
Jolie: You’re on!
I can’t keep the smile off my mouth as I pack with a little more enthusiasm. This is a big step, one I’m not taking lightly. I’m falling in love with him and want to be with him as much as I can. This will be great. This will be good. God, I hope I’m doing the right thing.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
“This is nice.”
We’d brought over a truckload. There’s nothing left at our apartments except for the apartment complexes furniture. It was nice when I moved here to find a furnished apartment to rent because I had nothing but what I’d accumulated in the last few years, clothes, makeup, laptop – stuff like that. Once we got it all unloaded, mostly in the garage since we still have painting to do in some of the rooms, I’m sore and tired. We ordered pizza and are sitting on the floor in the family room eating and drinking a beer.
“Just nice?” He smiles as he takes a bite.
I lightly push on his leg, letting out a laugh. “Oh, c’mon. Don’t tell me you’re not hurting a bit after working all day at the gym and then the major workout we just got moving all our crap over here.” An unladylike snort escapes my mouth before I have a chance to cover it. He almost spits out his mouthful with his own laughter. He leans forward and reaches out for another slice. I see him wince, his eyes darting to mine then back to the pizza as he sits back up. “Yeah, you’re not sore at all.” Another laugh escapes but I’m beaming as I take a bite of my pizza. The corner of his mouth lifts and then in a flash, I’m on my back on the floor, looking up at him, his fingers tickling the shit outta me. “Oh, my God! Stop! Stop!” I yell, squirming to get away from his treacherous fingers but laughing so hard that I’m about to pee in my pants.
“Not too sore that I can’t tickle you,” he continues, and now I’m laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath. “You give?”
“Never!” I’m pushing against his chest, but it doesn’t do any good. My body is weakened by my laughter, not that I could get him off me anyway. Our legs are tangled. I’m trying to get mine freed so I can kick him, to no avail.
He laughs and tickles me more. I’m about to go crazy when everything stops. He’s tickling me. I’m laughing, and then…. “C’mon, give up, short stuff!” I stop fighting, stop breathing, stilling completely. Did he just say….? He looks down at me and stops his movements. His smile drops and a perplexed look covers his face. “Jolie. What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” His eyes scan my body while I wonder if I’d imagined what he said. He looks back into my eyes and tilts his head. “Jolie?”
“You called me – short stuff,” I whisper, thinking I heard him correctly but now, I’m not so sure.
“Aww! C’mon, short stuff! Don’t be that way.”
“Don’t call me that!” I keep running and running, barely able to breathe. I’ve always been shorter than most my age, and he knows calling me that only makes me that much madder. He does it intentionally, trying to get my mind onto anger instead of what I’d just been put through by my foster dad. Dad. That’s a joke. No dad would beat his kid, blood related or not. No dad would have them do their bidding, too lazy to do anything for themselves. No dad, or parent, would want to foster a kid, just so they don’t have to do anything but take the state’s money to live on so they don’t have to work.
“Hey, c’mon!” he says grabbing my arm, stopping me.
I bend over, breathing so heavily I can’t take in oxygen fast enough. Finally, when I can breathe again, I stand and cross my arms over my chest, unwanted tears streaming down my face. He takes a step towards me slowly, then another until he’s right in front of me. I close my eyes as he cups my face.
“I’m sorry, Jole. You know I only call you that to get your dander up when things are rough for you.” I nod, moving his hand up and down. Opening my eyes, I see the concerned look on his face, the one that’s always there for me. Suddenly, he puts his arms around me, and I can’t help myself from grabbing ahold of him. I shouldn’t be so dependent on him, but I’m only a kid, and he’s the only friend I have. My best friend. He runs his hand up and down my long hair, soothing me. “I’m so sorry. I’ll always be here for you. Just like always.”
His brows lower in a state of confusion but then his face changes to – surprise? “Didn’t you?” I ask with a shaky voice. Too many times I think he’s said something that reminds me of my past but then I think I imagined it. Maybe, hoped for it. “Did you call me short stuff?” He sits up, slowly, leaning back as he runs a hand down his face.
“I .... I’m not sure. Maybe? I was only kidding, playing around. We were having fun.”
He doesn’t know if he said it? I lean up on my arms, confusion overtakes me. One minute I feel like my past is behind me. I haven’t even been having those nightmares as much that I’ve had for so long. But next, he says something that throws me for a loop, bringing back memories I’ve tried so hard to push back into the recesses of my mind, never wanting them to return.
“Jolie, look.” He sits back on the heels of his feet and looks tired. “I didn’t mean to upset you. We were just horsing around.” He closes his eyes briefly then looks into mine. “I’m not sure if I said that, but if I
did, I was just having fun with you.” He tilts his head the other way, a look of concern washes over him. “Do those words upset you?”
I look down, fear rising within me. Should I tell him? Open myself up to him? Maybe he deserves to know. No. He won’t want me anymore. He’ll think I’m weak, unable to take care of myself. I let out a sigh before I can stop it. Finally, I have someone in my life again, someone who makes me feel like the strong woman I’ve tried so desperately to become. Someone who believes in me. Someone like….
“Jolie?” he whispers as he grabs my chin, gently, and then begins to lift my face, making me look up into his eyes. His face is full of concern and worry as his eyes scan mine.
No. This is real. This is Tanner. I can’t take the chance. I place my hand on his arm and smile. “It’s silly. I’m fine. I know you were just kidding around.”
At first he looks as though he doesn’t believe me then his mouth turns up into that smile I love. “C’mon. Let’s clean up and go take a shower. I think we’ve had enough horsing around for the night.”
I sit there and watch him give me a wink and stand. He begins picking up our paper plates and the pizza box, and I watch him walk into the kitchen. Letting out another sigh, I lay down flat on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. You’re gonna blow it if you’re not careful. All my young life, all I wanted was for Stephen to return and get me, start a new life somewhere where I could be free and finally be happy. When he didn’t come back for me, my whole world ceased to exist, and I died inside. He didn’t want me. He didn’t come for me. As I grew up, I swore off all men. I would never allow myself to have the one thing I had with Stephen. Love. Because in the end, there is no love – only heartache and regret.
I wish I had someone I could talk to, share my secrets to help me get them out of my head, my heart. Even after this long, they still hurt too much. I’m afraid I’ll ruin everything with Tanner. It feels like I’m imagining things he says to me, things much like Stephen said, only to find out he didn’t. Maybe I could talk to….
“Jolie. You coming?”
I blink rapidly and nod when I see him standing in the doorway of the kitchen. I put on another smile and slowly get up, grabbing our empty beer bottles to throw them away. “Get your shit together, girl,” I whisper to myself as I walk towards the kitchen. Shaking my head, I smile. “Hey! Where’s my ice cream you promised?”
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
“So. You wanna to have a beer at Danny’s after you get off work?” I look up at Hailey from the notebook that I’ve been writing down the sales of the day. “I’m bored.” She came in about an hour ago, after getting off work at the gas station and working out. I feel kinda bad for her. Alena and her have been best friends all their lives and now that Alena and Jase are married and she has her business, I don’t think they get to spend much time together.
I smile. “Sure. Why not?” I like her. She seems like she comes from a life sort of similar to mine. From what I understand, her parents never had much to do with her. I can empathize with that from a certain standpoint. “Just let me finish this up and go change then I’ll be ready.” Her face lights up and she nods. I watch her turn around and walk towards the power bar. Something catches my eyes and I look to the left of her, seeing Tanner and Barrett leaning against the men’s locker room wall, talking. Tanner’s eyes keep shifting my way then back at Barrett. Why do they look so secretive?
“What’s got you gnawing at your pen so hungrily?” I look at Jase and pull my pen from my mouth and shrug. “You about done?” He looks down at the notebook.
I nod as I close it. “Yep. All done.” He takes it from the counter, smiles, and turns around, walking back to his office. I look back over at the men’s locker room and notice Tanner and Barrett are gone.
“Hey.” I look back and see Jase is standing back in front of the counter, his brows lowered. “Are you okay?” He looks over where I had been looking then back at me. “Is there something going on I should know about? Is everything okay with you and Tanner?” After knowing me for several years now and not really knowing the extent of how I grew up, only parts here and there I felt I could share, he knows me better than anyone.
My shoulders slump as I let out a breath. Since it’s close to closing time, no one’s around, but I look around anyway out of habit then look at Jase. “No, everything’s fine.” I sigh. He lets out a laugh as he leans down on the counter, placing his chin in his hand. His eyebrows raise and he gives me a look that tells me he knows something’s up. “Seriously, I am.” I lean back against the wall behind me and cross my arms. His face softens, but he tilts his head in disbelief. I let out a sigh. It seems like we’re having a stare off, neither of us budging. I look back over at the wall where Tanner and Barrett had been standing and stare. “Do you know this Barrett guy at all?”
“Not really. Just one of our newest members.” I lower my brows. “Said he was relocating here and needed a gym to workout. I don’t think there’s anything strange about that. What’s up?”
I push off from the wall and slowly turn to him. “Nothing. Just a weird feeling I get. That’s all.” I shrug.
He stands and gives me a questioning look. “I’ll keep my eye on him. You ready to leave?”
I nod. “Yeah, just finishing up.”
He turns and gives me a smile as he starts walking away. “Okay. Have a good night, Jolie.”
“Yeah. You too.”
I open the drawer of the register and begin counting the money for the books, the whole time an uneasy feeling washes over me. I might be going a little crazy with my thoughts yet when Tanner and Barrett are together, it always seems like they know each other more than I think. Maybe I should just come out and ask Tanner. I shiver and shake my head. I’m being ridiculous. Am I gonna be one of those women who questions every person my boy …. Is he my boyfriend? Whatever he is, do I want to fall into that situation where jealousy overtakes everything and comes between us? I never thought of myself as being ‘that kind of woman’. Needy. I finished counting the bills and mark down the balance in the small book from the drawer below. No. I’m not that kind of woman. The opposite in fact. Tanner’s free to do what he wants, just like I am. We’re not joined at the hip.
“Are you ready yet?”
I look up and see Hailey walking towards me. She’s changed into a pair of skinny jeans and a silky half top, showing off a bit of her flat stomach. Her long dark hair hangs loosely, reaching to her waist. She really is a beautiful woman. I wish I knew more of her story. All I know is that she was in some kind of abusive relationship, no kind of family really that cares about her, and she works in her dad’s gas station and works out here. She’s best friends with Alena and she, Jase, and Alena have known each other all their lives. I envy their closeness, having people in your life that care about you, spend time with you.
“Are you ready? Jolie?”
I blink rapidly, realizing I’d been lost in my thoughts, and smile. “Yep. Just let me lock up here and I’m ready to go.
She smiles back and walks past the counter. “Good. I’ll meet you over at Danny’s, okay? I give her a nod and watch her walk out the door.
“Hey, baby.” My heart stops a beat as I look over at Tanner walking towards me. God, he literally takes my breath away. Baby. No one’s ever called me that. I like it. His mouth turns into that grin that melts my panties. “You heading out?” I smile back, trying to break free from the trance he seems to put me in.
“Yeah. Hailey and I are going over to Danny’s for a drink.”
He stops in front of the counter and leans his arms down on the glass. “Ah! A little woman time.”
Scrunching up my face, I shake my head. “No. Just a beer.” He lets out a small laugh.
“Okay. Call it what you want.” He stands and reaches out, cupping the side of my face. “As long as you are having
fun.” His eyes are intense but caring, making me feel something I haven’t felt in so long. “Just be careful and if you need me to come get you, I will. I’ll be here for another couple hours. Got a new client that works during the day so she needs me to train with her in the evenings.” His words are genuine, but a pang of jealousy hits me. I have no reason to be jealous. We’ve never talked about exclusiveness or even what we are to each other. Yet the thought of him being with anyone else sends a feeling through me I never thought I’d feel. For anyone.
“Thanks,” I say softly. His grin turns into a full fledge smile, pushing up the piercing under his lip more. Another thing I love about him. He shows more about himself by his piercings and the tattoos that adorn his arms and chest. Like me. I’ve never asked him what all the ink signifies, but I know that’s personal, like mine is to me. I’ve never had much in my life, but my ink and piercings are something that means something – telling my story if you look hard enough.
He leans up, still smiling. The skin on my face cools when he removes his hand as he stands. He turns and walks away but looks over his shoulder. “No need to be jealous, baby. It’s just a client.” He winks. I cross my arms over my chest, feeling the warmth of a blush spread across my cheeks.
“I am not jealous.” I huff. Am I? That cocky grin of his appears, lighting up his eyes, as he winks at me again. Infuriating! He’s so sexy. I watch as he turns his head forward and walks up the stairs. Looking down, I lock up the cash register and walk to the front door, open it, feeling a little breeze hit my warmed skin. I feel a little kick in my step as I walk down the sidewalk, heading towards Danny’s. I walk into the bar and see Hailey sitting down in the back booth, giving me a wave. She gives me a strange look as I sit down.
