by Hart, Rebel
The worst part is that Emmett has literally tortured me in the past, abused me emotionally and physically. And not only did I manage to forgive and still fall in love with him, but this honestly feels worse than any of that. At least then I could try to hate him. This new territory just makes me hate myself.
Every time I think things are getting better, everything goes horribly wrong again. Maybe that’s just how relationships are supposed to be. The ebb and flow. The ups and downs. I had always heard that, but I never knew it could hurt this bad.
At first, I check my phone every five seconds, terrified that I won’t hear the ding of a new message. But quickly it fades to every thirty minutes. Then maybe every hour. When I wake up the next morning with phone in hand, and see that nothing has been sent since I fell asleep, I decide all at once that I’ll never hear from him again.
13
Chapter Thirteen
I’m a complete wreck by Monday morning. Everything’s gotten so much worse than I would have expected. Not only did Emmett not text me back Saturday night, I didn’t hear from him all day Sunday either.
Part of me is convinced beyond a doubt that he met up with Vivian Saturday night. They decided to give it another go and haven’t left each other’s sides since. When he arrives at school today, he’ll be back to the old Elite Emmett I once knew, tormenting me with Vivian at his side.
I am so certain of this scenario I have made up in my mind that I flinch back with a shriek when a pair of arms wraps around me in the hall.
“Jeez, you’re awfully jumpy,” Emmett says casually as he tries to pull me in for a kiss.
I’m so angry now that he’s actually in front of me, I can’t bring myself to say a single word. I fling him off of me and keep walking.
“Ophelia!” he calls out. “What’s going on with you?”
“What the fuck do you mean what’s going on with me?” I hiss back through clenched teeth, trying to keep my voice down so everyone else doesn’t hear. “I haven’t heard from you since you stormed out of my room Saturday night. Do you think I’m an idiot!?”
I try to march off again, but he chases me down and grabs my arm tightly enough that I can’t run away from him anymore.
“Of course, I don’t think you’re an idiot,” he huffs. “Your text made it sound like you understood how upset I was…So I thought you were giving me some space, which is what I needed.”
“Bullshit.” I try to hold back my tears. “You expect me to believe you didn’t run off to see Vivian anyway? And tell me Emmett…how did that go? Has she told you exactly where Bernadette is yet?”
“I promise you…I didn’t go see her. I haven’t talked to her at all,” he insists. “I was hiding out in my motel room making some calls and trying to see if I could track anything down online. I haven’t found anything yet, but I didn’t say a word to Vivian. You asked me not to. I thought we could talk to her together today.”
I want to believe him, but I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours working myself into a frenzy, and it’s not so easy to just snap out of it now. But he wouldn’t invite me to talk to Vivian with him if he had already seen her or if something else was going on, would he?
“I thought you didn’t want me with you when you talked to her again?” I throw in his face bitterly.
“Whatever I have to do to make you happy,” he says, trying to pull me in again. “I do think it’d be better if I talked to her alone, but if you’re not comfortable with it, then I won’t do it.” He holds his fingers up in a mocking scout’s honor.
I’m silent and stewing, feeling dangerously close to caving in. I want to believe every word he’s saying and just let this whole mess be over with. I’m tired of feeling jealous and threatened, but I can’t get over his strange behavior on Saturday, or the way he just disappeared and shut me out afterwards.
“I just can’t handle your mood swings,” I sob. “One minute, you’re madly in love with me and saying all these perfect things. The next, you won’t even touch me and you’re storming off from me.”
“It’s all the stress, Ophelia!” he urges. “I’m under so much pressure! I’m taking over Jameson Automobiles, and now all of this stuff with Bernadette. It’s almost more than I can take.”
“Well, maybe you’d be better off without me getting in your way,” I suggest, studying his reaction carefully.
“No way,” he shoots back, pulling me in. “You’re the only thing keeping me sane in all of this.”
“Then I’m doing a terrible job,” I bite back.
“Please…don’t be like this,” he begs. “Just come with me to talk to Vivian. You’ll see plain as day that there’s nothing between us and maybe we can start getting some answers. Come on, baby,” he begs in a low, sexy voice, trying one last time to kiss me.
“I’m just not in the mood,” I sneer. “Isn’t that what you said Saturday night?”
I storm off, wishing I could bring myself to turn around and run back into his arms. But that one wave of distant behavior sent me into high alert. All of my walls are back up, and I’m fearing the worst. I retreat around the corner, bracing my back against the wall as I try to breathe through angry tears. I don’t know if I’m angry or glad he didn’t try to follow me this time.
After a few moments, I peek around to see if he’s still standing there. He’s moved further up the hall, but of course Vivian is right there with him. I jerk back when I see him look in my direction and run to my next class. I can only hope whatever talk they were just having in the hall was the last of it, but I guess that’s what I get for turning cold on him.
I’m completely on edge the rest of the day, hoping that by the time school is over, Emmett will know all the right things to say and do to break me out of this state. But things only get worse at lunch.
I’m stuck in class fifteen minutes over, trying to copy down notes I missed when we skipped on Friday. By the time I make it to the lunchroom, I’m disgusted to see Vivian, Lily, and Emmett sitting together. My heart stops, and I almost drop my lunch tray. I am left frozen at the edge of the room, not knowing if I should run away or march right up to them.
He's my boyfriend, after all. I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing sitting with them, but I have every right to join or pull him away. But old memories plague me. What if he’s turning back into the person he was? What if he joins in with them, berating and bullying me? I keep trying to tell myself he would never do that now, but I couldn’t bear it if it came true. Deciding it’s too much of a risk, I retreat to the bathroom. Only by the time I get there, I’m so anxious I’m not even hungry anymore.
The final straw comes at the end of the day when I think he and I can finally meet up. I can ask him exactly what he was doing with them at lunch, he’ll say something to explain it all away, and I’ll throw myself back into his arms. I’m more tired than I was this morning, and now that’s all I want. More than anything. I know I wouldn’t be able to resist him now, and I don’t want to anymore. I just want to feel like things are okay again. Like he’s still mine.
I’m excited to see him come around the corner at the end of the hall. We’re both walking towards the double doors that lead outside, and I know I’ll be able to catch up to him there. But then I see Vivian appear right beside him. It all goes by in slow motion. She leans in and whispers something in his ear, and then runs her hand down his arm, trailing her fingers across his as he pulls away.
Their briefly joined hands freeze in my mind, forming a silhouette in front of the sun shining behind them. Emmett does pull his hand away and hasn’t initiated anything, but he doesn’t pull it away fast enough. I can tell by Vivian’s body language that she wants him, and as usual, he appears to be doing nothing to stop it.
I’m too tired to keep asking myself whether or not Emmett would cheat on me or go back to her. But one thing is certain—he’s not fighting as hard as he should to stop her attention towards him, and everything in my gut tells me it’s because he doesn’t wan
t it to stop. Maybe it gives him an ego trip. Or maybe it’s because he still has feelings for her.
As I turn to run away, I run smack dab into Vivian’s new best friend—the last person I want to see right now. Lily is standing there taking in the sight of my wet cheeks. She doesn’t miss a beat, peering past my shoulder to catch a glimpse of Emmett and Vivian together. After seeing them, she just looks back to me with a menacing grin.
“We told you she’d get him back eventually,” she taunts heartlessly.
“She doesn’t have him back,” I hiss defiantly. “He’s with me.”
“Then why are you so upset?” She laughs. “Admit it, Ophelia. He was never yours. It was just your turn. Welcome to WJ Prep. Guess I left that out of your little introductory course on how things work around here.”
Her cruelty is too much. I push past her and rush out the back doors. I can’t handle Lily even mentioning anything that happened between us when she was my friend, not while she’s acting like this. I still don’t know what I’ve done to make her hate me so much, but the switch in her personality is damn near sociopathic, making me question everything about the friendship I thought we had.
If Vivian is managing to steal Emmett back, and Lily is on her side now, then I am all alone again. And I’m certain it won’t be long until the old Elite hierarchy builds itself back up. Which means everything Emmett said about things being different now has been a lie.
There’s no practice today, but I go to the track field anyway and plop down my bag before spurring off into a series of laps. I get a thrill out of pushing myself to the limit. Everything else falls away and I only need to move. My burning muscles must keep going no matter how much I sweat. No matter how hard my chest heaves and feels like it’s on fire.
I don’t know how many laps I’ve run when I notice a figure sitting on the bleachers watching me. My heart leaps, hoping its Emmett. But the next time I come around, I’m able to see that it’s only Malcolm. I run around once more, trying to shed my disappointment.
“Hey, stalker,” I joke as I stop to catch my breath at the end of my final lap. But the joke only stings, reminding me of how Emmett and I first met when he practically stalked me at one of my meets.
“Not stalking.” He laughs. “Just admiring.”
I squint and raise my eyebrows at his suggestive tone.
“Everyone said you were fast, but I hadn’t seen it for myself yet,” he corrects himself. “You’re pretty fucking talented.”
“Thank you.” I blush, wiping the sweat from my brow, realizing suddenly how ridiculous I must look running in my full school uniform. “It was a little unplanned,” I try to explain, brushing at my outfit, but my voice cracks and I feel the rush of tears returning.
“Are you alright?” he asks, crushing any hope I had that I’d managed to keep my distress under wraps.
“Fine!” I call back too quickly, not sounding the least bit convincing. “Totally fine! Just…uh…just needed to run some things off.”
“I actually looked for you at lunch today,” he tells me.
“Really? What for? I thought you didn’t eat in the cafeteria with the rest of us,” I tease, still catching my breath.
“I was kind of hoping once you saw my secret lunch spot that you might join me there more often,” he explains. “After you didn’t show back up, I thought I’d come to you. But…then I saw you run off.” He waits for me to respond, but I’m too embarrassed. “I take it you don’t like Emmett having lunch with his ex.”
“Not just any ex.” I laugh bitterly. “Vivian. The wicked bitch herself who has made it clear she has every intention of getting him back.”
“What does Emmett say about all of that?” Malcolm asks with a sympathetic smirk.
“Doesn’t matter. He’s still hanging around her,” I mutter. I grow quiet, feeling like I shouldn’t be talking to Malcolm about all of this. It’s humiliating enough as it is and I don’t need his pity.
Maybe I need someone better than Emmett. Not better…but more than him. Someone who can be wholesome and available. Someone easy. The thing I vowed I didn’t want. I do want Emmett, and I don’t want to change him. Not now that I understand him better. But I wish there weren’t so many other things that came with him. I wish that being with him didn’t mean feeling alone so much of the time. Always longing and yearning in a way that is hardly ever fully quenched. Maybe I love him too much. Could that be the problem?
He winces and looks to his shoes, realizing he’s probably treading on a touchy subject. “Hey, sounds like you could use a break from all the WJ Prep bullshit,” he says finally, after a long, awkward silence. “Wanna come to Ritzville with me?”
Ritzville. Jameson’s cheesy amusement park that I have secretly wanted to go to the entire time I’ve lived here. It’s high school date central, and I’ve spent many nights imagining riding to the top of the Ferris wheel with Emmett and making out with the nighttime view of the town lights twinkling behind us. Of course, it’s just been one disaster after another, and it never seemed like a realistic dream until recently. But whenever Emmett and I haven’t been on the hunt for clues about his sister, we’ve been fucking or fighting over Vivian.
And now Malcolm wants to take me. I know I should say no; it’s too much like a date. I would have a complete meltdown if Emmett and Vivian went to Ritzville together, even if it was as innocent as me spending time with Malcolm. But as the memory of seeing them in the hall together replays in my mind, I suddenly want nothing more than to go with him. I need the distraction, and Emmett needs a reminder of how jealousy feels.
“Okay.” I nod with a smile. “Let’s go.”
* * *
When I was little, sometimes a carnival or fair would set up at the mall near where we lived in Oklahoma. We would drive past it and I would see all of the lights whirling around with screaming, laughing children. The smells of fried foods and cotton candy would waft through the air, luring me in. I would see little girls walking hand in hand with their dads and wish that I knew who my father was. By the time Brendan came around, I’d decided I was too cool for the carnival and wouldn’t let him take me. He wasn’t who I wanted to go with, anyway. Not then. It feels ironic now that once again, I can’t come here with the person I want to the most. Only this time, I guess I’m desperate enough to go with whoever is willing.
I eye the giant spinning Ferris wheel as we pass, drifting back to all of my fantasies about it and wishing it was Emmett walking beside me right now.
“Do you wanna go on that thing?” Malcolm asks as he studies my face.
“No, that’s okay,” I lie. I do want to go. But going with him feels like too much of a betrayal somehow.
We pass twirling teacup rides and airplanes whooshing screaming kids around the air in a loop. The carnival workers heckle us as we walk past, daring for us to come shoot a water pistol at a target or throw darts at balloons. If this were a movie, I imagine Malcolm would play one of the games and win me a ridiculous, oversized teddy bear. And he probably would in real life if I asked him. He seems eager to cheer me up.
Malcolm tries everything to get me to let go and have a good time, but I turn everything down. I can’t seem to pick myself up enough to be in the mood for anything. I finally agree to play that game where you throw a ping pong ball into fishbowls and win a goldfish if you land one in. I throw the balls listlessly. And of course, because I don’t care, one of my balls swirls around the top of the bowl and plops right down into the surface of the water above the unsuspecting fish.
“Shit,” I murmur.
“Hey!” Malcolm exclaims proudly. “Look at that!”
“One goldfish for the lady!” the worker announces. “Coming right up!”
“No!” I belt back. “No goldfish for me!” I turn back to Malcolm. “Come on, let’s go.” I tug his arm and rush him away before they can stick me with the fish.
“Wow,” he chuckles. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone run so fast from a
fish.”
“Everything’s a mess,” I groan. “I can’t deal with a fish right now. I can barely keep up with the rest of my life. The last thing I need is a life depending on me to take care of it.”
“It’s just a fish,” he reminds me with a smirk. “A goldfish at that…They live like thirty days and die. It’s not a human baby.”
I shrug. “A life is a life.”
“I don’t know.” He looks away, taking in the passing sights of the carnival. “I don’t know if all lives are equal. The Elites sure don’t seem to think so, anyway.”
“Well, let’s not stoop to their level,” I conclude.
As the night goes on, all I can think is that I want to tell Emmett everything, even though he’d be furious that I was here with Malcolm. If he could get over that, he’d think it was hilarious that I ‘ran from a fish,’ as Malcolm put it.
The smell of funnel cakes, hot dogs, slushies, and nachos pulls me in as we walk through the row of food vendors.
“Do you want something to eat?” He looks at me with an impish smile, knowing I’ve turned down everything he’s asked since we got here.
“Food.” I nod with a smile. “That I can get behind. I’m starving.”
He looks ecstatic to have finally found something I’ll agree to. I feel bad for him as he orders us some trays of food. He’s been trying so hard to be a nice guy, and I’ve been weird every step of the way.
“Sorry I’m such shitty company,” I offer as he returns with our grub and we settle onto a metal table lined with red rubber, and a red-and-white striped umbrella overhead. “Things have been pretty crazy lately. Or, really…I guess ever since I moved here.”
