She goes on talking. I give up writing down the questions. I’m making notes for you as fast as I can and writing down anything that may be useful for anyone.
How’s this for all of us who are co-dependent?
‘Sex with two people trying to get something from each other is like two orphans trying to parent each other.’ Ouch.
Or this, even more provocative? ‘What we call “love” is often just a contraction. It can be nothing more than a habituated response to the desire for security.’ Ouch.
‘Monogamy most often doesn’t work. Women produce oxytocin at birth and, imagine this, sometimes they have more than one child.’ Everyone laughs. Yes, it’s true – we can love more than one child but we can only love one man? Marriage, historically, is about the man owning the woman. But now both the man and the woman often feel trapped so how come the status quo allows that?
She says, ‘We are the best at what we do here. We have called the conference OM“X” because this is an eXtreme sport. No one is offering you the muzak way of life here.’
I’m scribbling like crazy. My Lamy pen runs out and by the time I’ve changed my cartridge Nicole is saying,
‘The sacred priestesses fucked the war out of the warriors and sent them back into the world as love.’
She tells some great stories about bad sex she’s had.
‘Men – I would like you to know intuitively that you don’t put your dick in my pussy unless my pussy is fully turned on. Slow the shit down.’
The women laugh.
‘I’ve known women who were struggling with mental health issues and they OM for a year and that stuff just burns out – it works its way out of the system.’
That’s a pretty amazing claim but we can see that large amounts of sexual pleasure every day in a totally safe environment with no strings attached could make women feel better about a lot of things. Just making the body feel that good every day … well, I’ve always said that body, mind and spirit influence each other. I’ve mainly been speaking about the body point of view about good health and good nutrition but if you add flooding the body twice a day with oxytocin and dopamine that is a real level of happiness in the body. How long could a sad mind continue to feel sad when bathed in pleasure?
I scribble two more notes from Nicole. ‘I want my body to be so turned on that I can get off on anyone. I don’t want my pleasure to be circumstantial.’
She’s certainly radical.
• • •
Naomi Wolf is the final speaker of the evening. Naomi is known for being a courageous feminist whose best-known book The Beauty Myth rocketed her to fame when it was first published in 1991. Her most recent book, Vagina, which I mentioned earlier, was challenging, hugely important and showed enormous courage so I feel strangely protective of this gutsy New York feminist who needs no protection from me. Tonight, before this audience, she looks happy. No one is going to attack her here. They are just going to listen for anything valuable that she has to say.
Naomi’s talk took the audience in directions no other speakers had taken this conference. One of her most scary themes is about the addictive nature of Internet porn and I know that her message hit home.
I know this because ‘OneTaste’ has its own social media and I read some of the posts from men who had heard what she had said and decided to go cold turkey and stop all Internet porn after the conference. Most movingly one mother wrote that, following Naomi’s talk, she had gone home and spoken to her 17-year-old son about porn on the Internet. She had assumed that he would be unable to access it without paying. She had assumed wrong. Following her questions he had broken down and told her everything – how he had started watching it at 12 and become more and more addicted over the years. How he had needed and wanted stronger and stronger images to achieve the same thrills and how now – at 17 – he could no longer get an erection. How he was frightened of interaction with real women. Before this conversation this mother had only read about the desensitizing effects of watching porn – now she had to help her son kick the habit and become comfortable with real women. Very scary stuff. So if you have a son – you may want to have this conversation and not assume that, ‘my son wouldn’t watch stuff like that’. Yes – he would. At a friend’s house, if not at yours.
Aside from the timely and apposite reminder, the main theme that Naomi presents both in her book and on stage is that the importance of the brain/vagina connection has been underestimated. She tells us that ‘the vagina is the delivery system for the states of mind that we call confidence, liberation, self-realization and even mysticism.’
When Naomi speaks of the ‘vagina’, she doesn’t mean just the vagina but the whole of the woman’s genitals. But Naomi isn’t here to talk to us about how to achieve pleasure. Her talk takes the audience in directions no other speakers have taken this conference.
One of the main premises of Naomi’s book is that the neural pathways of each woman are different. According to doctors that Naomi interviewed, some of us have more nerve endings in the clitoris, others have more in the vagina, the perineum or the anus. If I have understood her correctly, Nicole wouldn’t agree. We hear at OneTaste, again and again, that there are over 8,000 nerve endings in the upper left hand quadrant of clitoris. I’m not interested in argument, I’m interested in learning what works. So when Naomi points out that the G-spot is simply the other end of the same neural pathway as the clitoris – I get out my pen to take notes for us. She is answering questions that the Internet didn’t answer when Jovanna and I were discussing jade eggs and G-spots.
How about this one from Naomi: ‘Ninety per cent of women in lab conditions, with strangers, reach orgasm when both the area known as the G-spot and the clitoris are stimulated at the same time.’ In lab conditions? With strangers? 90%?
It made me smile to think of the men in this audience, thinking, ‘Hmmm I wonder what sort of “stimulation” she means.’ Many of these men can find an elusive clitoris in the time it would take you and I to find a man’s penis. And then they would know how best to stroke it to the width of a millimetre. Naomi is fond of saying that ‘our model of female sexuality is 40 years out of date’ but this audience is an exception.
One of the other things that Naomi talks about is ‘activation’. This is what a woman needs in order to get turned on and it parallels what OneTaste teaches about the ‘vigilance centre’ of the brain.
‘Stress stamps on the autonomic nervous system,’ Naomi says. So if a woman is angry with her man she may simply not be able to get turned on. It’s not that she’s being grumpy or difficult – she’s stressed and if she’s stressed her vigilance centre can’t go down and then it’s harder for her to get turned on. I hope you’re paying attention here.
Now those of you who are alert will be thinking ‘if a woman needs to be so relaxed then where do some women’s controversially reported fantasies about rough sex come into this?’ And the answer is that a woman can think whatever she likes in the safety of her own bedroom because she knows that she is actually totally safe. It’s a fantasy in which she is in total control of the situation. It doesn’t mean that she wants to be handled aggressively. That’s where the misunderstanding comes in.
The same applies to all the BDSM stuff. Let’s go back to Christian Grey in Fifty Shades for a second (I confess I only read the first volume) – Christian makes it perfectly clear that Anastasia can leave at any time she wants. They have a code word and any time she says it the whole game is over. So she may be excited – but she is not stressed. It’s not the same. She is totally looked after – zero stress.
Looking after your woman and bringing down her stress levels by not being annoying is an important part of activation, Naomi tells us. So men, please, if you want a sexually happy woman in your life, do everything you can to not annoy or stress her. It doesn’t serve you.
In an OM, the stroker is trained to say, ‘I’m going to touch you now,’ before he presses down on her legs to establish the ener
getic connection. It’s all been carefully thought through so that the woman isn’t startled even a little bit. And before that – it’s the man’s job to build the ‘nest’ – to find the cushions and to make everything perfect for her.
If Naomi had studied OM she would recognize all this as necessary for the kind of ‘activation’ that has to happen before you even start to ignite a woman’s arousal. This is important and, from the point of view of this book, one of the most important things that she speaks about. What do you want to do so that your partner wants to make love to you in the first place? That’s back to the subject of desire. The threads are starting to weave together a bit.
The greatest joy for me in watching Naomi is in seeing how much she can let her own guard down in front of this wonderful sexy San Francisco audience. She is now sporting a red armband. Which means, in terms of the conference, that she has been trained to OM. Good for Naomi for having the guts to move beyond the theory. Somehow this place is making everyone very positive and very happy.
At one point Naomi loses her place in her notes and says, ‘I’ve lost my place but I’m doing OK.’
And someone shouts out, ‘Yes, you are!’ and everyone cheers. This happy audience loves her for her courage. They love her for having the guts to stand on stage in front of this huge audience and talk about sexuality and pleasure.
I had no means of knowing what they had arranged for her or whether they had arranged for one of the more experienced strokers to let her know what all the fuss was about. But she’s now wearing an armband and she sure looks happy.
• • •
On Sunday morning I arrive and people are chatting happily, drinking coffee, flirting, wearing, ‘Ask me to OM’ badges. Just when I was feeling happy Nicole spots me,
‘Hi! So awesome to see you here! How are you doing?’
‘I, er, I’m finding it quite hard Nicole.’
‘You should get your pussy stroked more Isabel. I’ll arrange a private OM for you.’ (Oh please floor, swallow me up.)
There’s a rather good-looking man standing there. She speaks to him – he looks at me, we look at each other. ‘Well,’ I blush slightly. ‘I guess we’ve been set up.’
‘Would you like to OM?’ he smiles, sticking to the required request so I’m not obliged to accept.’
‘Er ...’ (Experience sensation of clenched diaphragm).
Oh, my God. I still have fear in me when I do this with T let alone with a recommended stranger.
‘Meet me here just before 11 then?’ he smiles flirtatiously. (Inhalation of breath.) ‘Yes, please.’ (Notice the heat in the body and a slight nauseous sensation that is usually linked in the body to a fight or flight response.) Then I run away. But only as far as the reception.
I run slap into the people coming out of the group OM.
I see one woman coming out on a wheeled walking frame and smile at her. What courage.
‘How was it for you?’ I ask.
She glances at my name badge. ‘Isabel, I am over 70 years old. I graduated from the Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in 1989, I have serious back problems and I don’t care.’
‘Really?’
‘I never thought I was going to have these new experiences at this age. It was amazing. But please excuse me – I want to attend this next lecture.’ And off she wheeled herself.
• • •
It’s 10.45am. I’m going to find this stranger in 15 minutes. I have to remember, ‘Relax, Open, Breathe.’ That’s ALL I have to remember. How hard can it be? Why am I afraid? I spot a member of the OneTaste staff, ‘What am I afraid of?’ ‘Desire,’ says one. ‘Change,’ says another. I don’t think I’m afraid of either of those. But I have no idea what else it could be. This takes the phrase, ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ to a level that I never understood before. Here they want you to focus on the sensation fear produces – just to focus on sensation.
I look into the man’s dark brown eyes, ‘I’m not bringing any expectations or putting more pressure on myself because Nicole set this up.’ Am I trying to convince him or myself?
‘I’m just going to OM. It’s a goal-less practice.’
‘I’m so far outside my comfort zone I feel as if I’m holding on with my toes.’
‘What are you holding on for?’ He smiles.
‘I’ve no idea.’
So I lie down. And think about surrender. Then I stop thinking. It feels like honey.
• • •
The OM feels expansive. I forget how subtle this is. Maybe fear is of my own expectation. He doesn’t rush. He doesn’t push. He has no anxiety. He isn’t trying to create a good experience for me. He really does ‘stroke for his own pleasure’ – as the men are taught – but not in any inappropriate ‘getting off on it’ kind of way – more in a spirit of exploration and connection. At one point he stops stroking completely and I want to laugh because he creates expectation with stillness.
The less he does the more he plays with desire. But he creates the connection first. He puts his finger right on the most sensitive spot and then strokes slowly and softly. This man gives good OM. Quite simply – he knows what he’s doing.
I become aware of tension in my neck. I know it’s always there, but there is warmth and then suddenly during the OM it starts to hurt like hell.
Yesterday, tears. Another day, awareness that I’m not good at giving adjustments. Another day, warmth and pain. So everything comes up, the mental blocks, the emotional blocks, the physical blocks … all this you can learn … through pleasure. How extraordinary is that?
I feel I could live happily in a New York loft with this man for a month and explore the whole OM experience. It’s the first OM I’ve had since being here where I’ve felt that I could easily do this with him, another hundred times.
I realize now how easy it is for the ego to get in the way of the experience. For the men – they want the woman to have a ‘good OM’ (in a goal-less practice) partly so that they can feel good about themselves. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to please a woman or be confident that he is able to do so – but it felt as if this man was beyond all that – he didn’t bring his ego into the OM, he just became present. And it’s easier to be in an OM that just floats in time and space. I will never see this man again, so I guess it’s easier just to float and focus on sensation. I didn’t have to think about giving him adjustments, as I’m not training him to please me. I just lay back and enjoyed the ride.
Living in a San Francisco Clitoris Stroking Community
So it’s Monday. The OMX conference is over and I’m settling in to the peace and quiet of living at 1080. I’m glad it’s over. All the noise and hype of the conference is far away from the simple and subtle pleasure of the practice. But I missed a few good things yesterday. A lecture from Dr Sara Gottfried on hormone balance and how it affects health and sexuality. The message, as relayed to me second hand, is that stress is bad and raising your oxytocin levels in a safe way is good. Here OMing is the answer to everything. Stressed? OM more. Unhappy? OM more. Sick? OM more. Well, it’s free and pleasure feels very good for the body so there is a certain logic to it. I’ll read about how to keep my hormone levels healthy later in her book, The Hormone Cure.
As I write this, a man walks into the room that I’m actually attracted to. I fix up an OM with him later in the week.
‘Would you like to OM?’ I ask him. Yayyyy – did it.
‘Yes, I would.’
I feel a little warm flush go through me now every time I see him walk past. And this morning one of the other men that live in the San Francisco house that I have a good connection with kissed me on the cheek and I felt a warm sensation pass through my calf muscles. I guess I’m finally tuning in – noticing the sensations in my body, and that I’m alive.
Being in this house is extraordinary.
Let’s consider this for a second. The differences between an OM and regular sex are: OM is chosen by both parties on ever
y occasion, a forced OM would be impossible; both parties are always sober (no one drinks before OMing as it’s about increased not decreased focus and awareness); the practice takes 15 minutes only so no one feels obliged to buy dinner; the oxytocin is raised easily in women – unlike sex it would be almost impossible for a woman to feel no pleasure during an OM and, if there is climax her dopamine level is raised too; the man knows he is learning as he is watching her vulva for feedback; no one gets pregnant – you don’t need to go on the pill, put coils in your body or use condoms; no one has to get jealous as anyone can OM with anyone any time; and the men are needed by the women and appreciated by them. Not too bad huh?
Now before you decide that it really is a cult and I’ve been totally brainwashed – I am not saying that living in a polyamorous community centred on this practice is any way better than the nuclear family model … but I am saying that it’s certainly not necessarily any worse either.
And is this a cult? Well, it certainly has aspects that feel cult-like but no, it’s not a cult, it’s a business. For some, it’s an alternative lifestyle but for many it’s ‘only’ a sexual practice that teaches women to feel more sexual pleasure and men to feel pleasure through connection.
Why Would You be Afraid of Pleasure?
If I could lead you to a place where, in total safety, you could lie down and have a man who had 20 years of experience in bringing out female pleasure stroke your clitoris for 15 minutes – would you follow me? Would you say, ‘Lead the way, Isabel’? Would you say, ‘No way. Get away from me with your crazy offers of pleasure’? If the first one is closer to your answer, I’m putting further details in the back of the book. If the second answer is closer to the answer you’d give, then do you know why?
If you are hiding behind ‘My partner wouldn’t like it.’ Well, suppose, just for a moment they supported you unreservedly in doing whatever you needed to do to learn about your own pleasure … no external impediments … would you then say – ‘OK Isabel, what’s the route?’
Sensation Page 13
