by Katie Knight
“Exactly,” Hanna said. “And as long as you’re a SEAL, you will be coming and going. In constant chaos and constant danger.”
She felt like she was trying to convince herself of the words as they were coming out of her mouth. Jake certainly wasn’t engaged in the conversation and yet she couldn’t stop talking. She couldn’t stop rationalizing why they would never work.
She realized she was hoping against hope that he would challenge something—anything—she said.
But he just stood there, hands by his sides and his jaw still clenched.
Hanna realized this was it. She wasn’t going to get anything else out of him that night.
And that was probably for the best.
Jake pointed at her suitcase, still in the trunk of the captor’s vehicle. “Is this all your stuff?” he asked.
Hanna nodded. “I just need to get my ID back from the officer.”
“Okay.” Jake pulled her bag out of the trunk and started wheeling it toward the SUV Jefferson had pulled up in.
“What are you doing?”
“Jefferson’s going to give you a ride home,” Jake said. “Do you need anything else?”
She swallowed before answering so her voice wouldn’t crack with emotion. “No,” she said. “That’s fine.”
If Hanna thought he had rejected her in the past, it was nothing to how she felt now. Tears started welling up in her eyes. She chose to blame them on the hormones. Not on the man standing before her, breaking her heart in two.
Twenty-Seven
Jake pulled up to his sister’s house with a groan. He usually roared into her driveway in Ruby, but as long as she was in the shop, he was forced to putter up the pavement in the tiny, 1.5-liter sedan he’d rented. The guy at the car lot had assured him it was the only vehicle that wasn’t already reserved, but he seriously doubted it. He figured they just wanted to take him down a peg or two.
And it had worked.
As Jake walked down the stone path leading to Julie’s front door, he reminded himself that the whole car issue was a small-time problem—nothing more than an annoyance. He had much bigger issues, and he had a feeling his sister wasn’t going to let him leave until they’d hashed everything out.
Although he already knew he would do so begrudgingly, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t in desperate need of advice. And he knew Julie was just the person to go to.
Despite the near-drowning incident—or maybe because of it—he and Julie had always been close. He hadn’t gotten to spend any quality time with her recently, though, and since he only had a few more days of leave, he thought it best to swing by sooner rather than later.
She wasn’t expecting him, but since she was an elementary school teacher and it was midmorning on a Saturday, he knew she’d be home.
He rang the bell and heard Rufus, her sheepdog, bark from somewhere inside the house. Moments later, Julie opened the door. Her eyes lit up when she saw Jake, and she pulled him in for a hug.
“Fancy seeing you here,” she said, stepping aside so he could follow her inside. She shut the door behind them as Rufus padded over to greet Jake.
“Hey, buddy.” He scratched him under the chin, and trailed his hand all the way down to his chest. Rufus craned his neck higher and higher with every stroke.
“I swear he smiles when I do this,” Jake said. Sure enough, the corners of Rufus’s mouth were curled up.
“That’s just the face he makes when he’s really relaxed,” Julie said. She walked over to the stove and turned the kettle on. “Want some tea?”
“Sure. As long as I’m not interrupting anything. Got some time to catch up?”
“For my big brother? Always.”
As she took out the stuff for making tea, Jake wiped his hands on his jeans—Rufus seemed to shed twelve months out of the year—and sat at the breakfast bar.
“Where’s Ken?” Jake asked.
“Golf.”
“Of course.”
Julie laughed as she put a container of loose-leaf tea on the countertop in front of him. “Maybe you need a hobby or two of your own,” she said. “Might help you relax between deployments.” Jake opened his mouth, but she cut him off before he could speak. “And working out isn’t a hobby.”
“Well, fine then. Maybe tell your fiancé to invite me the next time he plays golf.”
“Maybe I will.”
She handed him two strainers and a spoon just as the kettle started hissing. Jake scooped some tea into each strainer then plopped them in the mugs. Julie filled them with hot water then put the kettle back on the stove.
“Honey, right?” she asked, opening the cabinet above the stove.
“Yup.”
She grabbed a container of honey before joining Jake at the breakfast bar.
“So tell me,” Julie said. She paused as if for effect and blew into her mug. “Why are you really here?”
Jake busied himself with the honey. Now that he was actually sitting across from her—across from someone who would undoubtedly give him helpful advice—he wasn’t sure he was ready to get into it.
“I don’t know,” he finally said, putting the honey down and stirring his tea. “I guess I feel like I should talk to someone, but I don’t really want to.”
“Is that because… talking about it will make it real?”
“Maybe.”
“Well whatever it is, I’m sure I can help.”
“I’m sure you can,” Jake said. “I guess I just don’t know where to start.”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“I think… I think I found someone.”
“What do you mean?” Julie asked. “Like a girlfriend?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know.”
“Who is she?”
“Hanna Masterson. I went to basic and then BUD/S with her brother.”
“Ah. So you’ve known her for a while?”
“Kind of.” Jake sipped his tea and then told Julie all about the “almost kiss” five years ago and the bachelor auction five weeks ago. He didn’t want to make his sister worry about him any more than she already did—or to think she had to worry about him even when he was on leave now—so he kept the details regarding the whole weapons cartel saga brief.
He didn’t tell her about the pregnancy, either. He wasn’t sure when Hanna wanted to start telling people, and he didn’t think it was his place to break the news to anyone first.
Even still, Julie didn’t need all the details to get a clear sense of what was really going on with him. Because when he had finished talking, she just looked at him and smiled.
“Well I don’t know about you, but this all seems pretty obvious to me,” she said.
“What’s obvious?”
“That you’re in love.”
Jake honestly didn’t have it in him to argue with her. Because he had a feeling she was right.
“But it will never work,” he said. “It just can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m still a SEAL. And as long as I’m in the military, I can’t give her what she deserves.”
“What she deserves is you, Jake. Just because you’re in the military and you’re gonna be gone a lot doesn’t mean you can’t foster a healthy relationship.”
“But it’s not just that,” he said.
“Then what is it?”
“When I’m with her, it’s like I can’t think about anything else. All I can focus on is her. And in my line of work, distractions equal death.”
Julie rolled her eyes.
“That’s just an excuse,” she said. “And you know it.”
“No,” he insisted. “It’s not. When I get distracted, the people around me get hurt. Do you know how many times Hanna almost died last week because of me? Because of mistakes I made?”
“You’re looking at it all wrong. Look how many times you saved her. She’s literally alive today because of you.”
Jake felt a lump rising in his throat. He h
adn’t wanted to bring it up, but Julie clearly wasn’t getting it.
“The bottom line is I wasn’t there for Hanna when she needed me most. When I was supposed to be protecting her. Just like I wasn’t there for you at that pool party.”
Julie reached out and put her hand over Jake’s. “Is that what this is about?”
He just nodded.
“Who cares about that stupid pool party? You were just a kid, and that was one isolated incident. Even if you’d been standing right there, what could you have done? You were eleven—you didn’t know CPR. Trust me, Jake,” she insisted. “You have always been there for me when it really counted.”
“Oh yeah? Like when?”
“Like when I fell out of the tree house and broke my arm. Do you remember that? You were the first on the scene, and you even made me split.”
Jake couldn’t help but laugh. “I was so excited to use that med kit I had made for that boy scout badge.”
“I know.” She held up her arm and waved it around. “And look. There’s no way to tell it was ever broken.”
“I get what you’re saying, but this is different.”
“How? How is it different?”
Jake didn’t have an answer for that one. “I honestly don’t know. It doesn’t feel any different.”
“What does it feel like?”
“It feels like when I love someone, I end up putting them at risk. And it’s not worth it. It’s best if I just keep my distance.”
“I promise you’re fully capable of loving people without putting them at risk,” Julie said. She put her hand on his shoulder. “Trust me.”
Jake put his hand over hers and squeezed.
“Thanks,” he said.
But she didn’t let go.
“I forgive you for what happened at the pool party, okay? I’m sitting here telling you that I forgive you. So why can’t you forgive yourself?”
Jake sighed. “I don’t know.”
After they finished their tea, Jake took Rufus out back to play fetch for a bit. It was a nice distraction. And for some reason, he already felt lighter. The conversation with Julie hadn’t resolved anything per se, but it seemed to paint things just a little clearer for him.
In fact, he actually found himself in a relatively good mood by the time he left his sister’s a little while later. He decided to stop at the store on the way home and pick up a few treats for later that evening. He was going to spend it relaxing at home—something he hadn’t done in ages.
When he got to the store, he ended up in the ice cream aisle without even realizing it. Jake couldn’t help but laugh at himself. He figured it was a sign, so he thought what the hell and grabbed a pint of toffee vanilla swirl. He had certainly enjoyed it when he was in the safe house with Hanna…
He made a quick stop at the liquor store, too—he was running low on whiskey—then headed home. On his way into the building, he ran into Mrs. Jenkins taking her Chihuahua out for a walk. She lived in the apartment just below his.
“Well, good evening, Mr. Hendrix,” she said. Then, after noting the ice cream and whiskey he was carrying, she added with a wink, “Looks like someone’s in for a fun evening. Expecting company?”
Jake laughed. “Actually, this is just for me. Figured I’d earned a little break.”
“Fair enough.” She continued on her way, and he headed up to his apartment.
Once inside, he remembered how good the ice cream had tasted all melted and soupy—though he admitted that might have just been because he had been licking it off Hanna’s naked body. Regardless, he decided to leave the pint on the counter and poured himself a drink.
It was his favorite time of day—early evening, when the night was still yours for the taking and anything could happen—so he took the tumbler out to the balcony and sat down to people-watch.
He gazed at the houses down below and then at the city high-rises in the distance as he sipped his whiskey. All those homes. All those families. Those were the people he was working so hard to protect.
But he wasn’t one of them.
He was an outsider, looking in.
Sure, he loved what he did. He was certain there was no career more fulfilling than being a Navy SEAL.
But at the end of the day, was that all it was? Just a career?
If all he had was being a SEAL, and being a SEAL was just a career…then he had nothing. Nothing that mattered, at least. Nothing that was worth protecting. Worth laying his life down for.
What was the point of going overseas time and again, doing absolutely everything you could to return home safely…if you had no home to return to? No one waiting for you? No one to tie a yellow ribbon around the tree in the front lawn for you?
Jake sighed. Now was not the time for a midlife crisis. He looked at the empty tumbler in his hand and blamed the thoughts on the whiskey. Because they sure weren’t his own thoughts.
Being a SEAL had always been enough for him. And it was more than just a career. It was a brotherhood.
He decided he’d had enough whiskey for the night. Since he hadn’t drank much at all while on leave—and then hadn’t drank for the six months prior, while he was overseas—his tolerance must have been pretty low. That was it. It was the whiskey talking.
He got up and headed inside to put the tumbler in the sink. He thought it a good idea to write down all these revelations he was having so he could make sense of them when the alcohol wasn’t fogging his brain. So he grabbed the notebook and pencil that were lying on the counter before heading back to the balcony.
After sitting back down, he realized it was the same notebook he had been using to keep track of things since this whole adventure had started. He didn’t want to feel any more introspective than he already was, so he skipped to the last page without reading any prior entries.
But the last page wasn’t blank.
There, in handwriting that wasn’t his own, was a list.
At the top, it said “Revised Perfect Man Checklist.”
It said “Jake” just below it, followed by several bullet points:
Knows how to fix an ice machine
Makes me feel safe
Lets me know I’m beautiful with a single glance
That panicked look on his face when he thought he’d lost me
Unintentionally stares at my pregnant belly with this perfect tenderness in his eyes
Then, as if the list needed a conclusion, there were five words at the bottom of the page: Jake is everything I need.
Jake’s heart swelled, and it definitely wasn’t because of the whiskey. How did Hanna know how much he needed her approval? How did she know exactly what to write to make him feel like a real, honorable, decent man of value?
Up until the day his father died, Jake had longed for his approval. And he had never gotten it. He had never felt like enough.
But at the bottom of the list, Hanna had literally written that he was everything. And she knew the real him. How could she not after they had spent so much time together in seedy motels and safe house? She knew the real Jake and she still wanted to be with him. He was enough.
She wanted him for him.
In that moment, he realized they could make it work. There was nothing they couldn’t overcome.
He thought about the conversation he’d had with Julie earlier that day. She’d been right, of course. He was in love with Hanna.
She had been right about something else, too, though.
In order for them to work—in order for them to build a real, honest, and lasting relationship—he had to let go of the past.
Jake realized he had to forgive himself for the mistakes he’d made. Because right now they were serving no purpose other than to weigh him down.
He was certain if he could do that—if he could forgive himself for what happened to Julie and then what almost happened to Hanna while under his watch—then they could have a chance at something beautiful.
Twenty-Eight
It took Han
na a few days to get back into her old routine, but now she was doing fairly well. She found the little things, like grocery shopping, comforting because they were predictable. She had studied PTSD extensively for work, and she knew how any one of the events she had experienced could cause serious psychological damage. So she was taking it easy.
She had her first OB-GYN appointment tomorrow, and in the meantime, she thought she was due for a little pampering and self-care. So when she went to the supermarket, she didn’t hold back. She picked up all the sweets she had been craving for the past week without any guilt.
Her sweet tooth was as fierce as ever, but the events that had transpired just over a week ago had changed her in other ways. For example, she had come to realize that her husband checklist was absurd.
Having a list like that only narrowed down her already limited options. She chalked it up to a stupid phase—albeit, one that had lasted for several years—and just tried to stay positive about moving forward in the future.
Jake may not be the man she was supposed to end up with, but spending time with him had at least taught her that if she followed her heart a little more, beautiful things could happen. She instinctively patted her belly at the thought. Regardless of what happened between her and Jake, their baby was the most beautiful thing to ever happen to her. So following her heart had paid off.
Hanna realized if she was truly committed to ditching the checklist—and truly open to new experiences—she would jump back into the dating pool. So she pulled out her phone right there in the middle of the grocery store and enabled her account on the dating app. She changed her status to “looking for love.” Maybe it was her way of letting the universe know she was finally ready.
She continued down the aisles, picking up items here and there, and then stopped in front of the racks that were full of books and magazines. She figured there might be a book on pregnancy that she could skim through before her OB-GYN appointment tomorrow.
Sure enough, there was one copy left of What to Expect When You’re Expecting. She tossed it into her cart with the cookies and ice cream and headed toward checkout.
“How are you doing today?” the cashier, an elderly woman, asked as Hanna unloaded her items on the conveyor belt.
