by Bailey Bradford, Ethan Stone, T. A. Chase, Sean Michael, L. M. Somerton, Morticia Knight
“I guess you could be right about that,” Jensen muttered. “I mean once I got clean, I started climbing, you know. Oh, my God, Toby, it’s amazing to be out there in the clear air and hanging from a rope and an anchor from the side of a mountain. Your entire life relying on a one-inch connection to the rock.”
“Sounds like you found something you enjoy doing.” Toby’s brown eyes dulled.
Jensen licked his lips, moving until he knelt in front of Toby. He took Toby’s hands in his then stared up into his beloved face. “To find something that saved my life, I had to leave behind the only person I ever loved.”
Stiffening, Toby tugged on his hands to try to get free of Jenson’s hold. “Oh, hell no! You don’t get to disappear for six years then come back to tell me you loved me. You don’t abandon someone you love, Jensen. You proved to me we were only fuck buddies. Nothing more.”
He wouldn’t let go of Toby, not until he’d told him everything. It was something he needed to do to complete his road to sobriety. Then he would leave, letting Toby get back to his life while Jensen found the next mountain to climb.
“Will you listen to me without interrupting? Let me tell you my truth, then if you want, I’ll leave you alone.” Jensen took a deep breath. “I know it really isn’t fair to you to have me just show up out of the blue like this, but when I took that fall a couple weeks ago, I realized I had some unfinished business with you.”
Toby clenched his jaw and Jensen saw that his former lover wanted to tell him off, wanted to send him away, but again his sense of fairness got to him. “Fine. Once you’re done, though, I get to tell you exactly how your leaving like you did made me feel.”
He had to take his lumps, whether he wanted to or not. “Of course, you have the right to yell at me or throw shit at me. I must draw the line at hitting, though. If only because I’m still healing.” He held up his right hand as a reminder.
“I don’t throw things or punch people. You know that,” Toby muttered, but there was a slight lift to Toby’s plump lips.
Jensen glanced away. He couldn’t think about how gorgeous Toby was at the moment. If he did, he would get distracted and would end up trying to seduce him back into bed. While he’d love for that to be a result of his confession, he knew better than to expect it. Toby probably had a boyfriend.
He jerked. “Fuck, Toby. Were you expecting someone to come over? Am I interrupting something?” He winced as he pushed to his feet and his ankle protested.
“No. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since my last one disappeared on me,” Toby informed him. “Just a series of one-night stands and quickies in the clubs.”
“Oh, shit, honey. I’m sorry. I fucked so much up, but I panicked. When I woke up to see that needle still in my arm, all I could think of was that I could’ve died and I didn’t want to go out like that.”
Toby fell back in his chair, staring at Jensen. Shock shone in his eyes and Jensen could also see fear hidden in the depths.
Chapter Three
“A needle?”
Jensen rolled up his sleeves to show Toby his left arm and the faint tracks marring his tanned skin. He didn’t flinch as Toby reached out to trail his finger over the scar that ran almost the entire length of his forearm.
“This doesn’t look like a needle track.” Toby shot him a questioning look.
It wasn’t something he liked to talk about, but he’d promised he would be honest with Toby about everything. He took a deep breath.
“I was in rehab for about a month when I couldn’t take it anymore. I missed the dampening effect of the drugs and alcohol.” He paused, but knowing he had to bare his entire truth, he continued. “I missed you, but I knew I couldn’t come back to you the way I was. So I slit my wrists.”
“Obviously you didn’t succeed. But you got clean and you still didn’t come back to me,” Toby accused him.
He studied the floor for a second before facing Toby. “I’ve been alcohol-free for six years. I never said anything about being drug-free for that long. I had a relapse a year ago, which is why I was in Alaska, climbing Denali.”
Toby shook his head. “I don’t get it.”
“I promised myself and my sponsor that if I stayed clean for six months, I’d climb Denali. I met Cat at the rehab center for both of my addictions. She was one of my therapists and she told me about her passion, which is mountain climbing, though she can’t climb again for another seven months or so.” He smiled. “She’s pregnant and Jigger, her partner, said he wasn’t going to let her go near even a rock climbing wall until the baby comes.”
“Is that how you got into climbing?” Toby rubbed his thumb over Jensen’s suicide scar. Then he asked, “You missed me?”
Jensen snorted. “The only good thing I was addicted to here in New York was you, Toby. You were the only person I cared anything about while I lived here, but I wasn’t the right guy for you. I couldn’t stay away from coke and that led to the night when I shot up heroin. I hid who I was from everyone, even the guy I could see myself loving the rest of my life. But how could I do that if I didn’t love myself?”
Toby inhaled sharply then removed his hand from Jensen’s. Before Jensen could ask what he was doing, he shot to his feet to press a kiss to his lips. Not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, he wrapped his arms around Toby’s waist, pulling him close. He nibbled along Toby’s bottom lip, begging him to open to him. When Toby did, Jensen swept his tongue inside.
Toby moaned and seemed to melt into his arms. Jensen wanted so much to take him up on his offer, but he knew he had to finish telling him the whole story. Then they would find out if Toby still wanted him or not.
He eased away, working on catching his breath while he did so. Toby stared at him, his chest heaving and a question on his lips. Jensen smiled softly.
“I want to tell you my story, Toby, then you can decide if you want to kiss me again or not.”
Taking a seat again, Toby grabbed his glass then swallowed the liquor in one gulp. After returning to his seat, Jensen took a sip of his water then he cleared his throat.
“I started drinking when I was sixteen. It was the best way to dull the pain, you know. It’s weird. People always told me how great a life I had and my parents were awesome. But I never fucking felt that. Maybe they were. Maybe there’s just something deficient in me that doesn’t allow me to be happy.” He shrugged.
“You’re happy when you’re at the summit of a mountain, aren’t you?”
Toby’s question caught Jensen off-guard. He thought of when he’d stood at the top of El Capitan in Yosemite National Park and how at that moment, he felt like he’d conquered the world. Then he thought of the sadness that had overwhelmed him when he’d realized he couldn’t tell Toby about it.
“I’m happy up to a point, then my excitement dulls and I wonder what I can do next to keep the rush going,” he admitted.
Toby acted like he wanted to ask him something but then shook his head. He motioned for Jensen to keep going.
“Anyway, I was a functioning alcoholic by the time I left college and started at the securities firm. I’d learned how to hide it well.” He thought about the bottle of scotch he’d kept in the bottom drawer of his desk and how he’d lace his coffee with it in the mornings. “Shortly after I started at the firm, I was introduced to cocaine to help keep me up when we worked such long hours then went out to the clubs afterward.”
He jumped to his feet again, pacing from the bar to the couch over and over again. He didn’t stare at the bottles lined up in front of the huge mirror. Jensen kept his gaze on the hard wood floor he walked over, not wanting to fight the urge to walk behind the magnificently carved bar and grab a bottle to drink from. Jensen understood his limitations and while he could deal with being in a club or pub, hanging with people who drank, he knew if it was just him with a bottle, more likely than not, he’d be passed out on the floor before too long.
“I still remember the first time I met you,” he told Tob
y. “You’d just been hired and all I could think about was your mouth. How much I wanted to taste your smile and see if you looked as good naked as you did dressed.”
He chuckled as he caught a faint blush color Toby’s cheeks.
“Imagine how thrilled I was when I saw that you did.” Stopping in the middle of the room, he remembered how thrilled he’d been when Toby agreed to go home with him. Then joy and peace that had swamped him after they’d come and were curled around each other in his bed. “You were the only time I knew peace without the alcohol and drugs.”
“But I never knew any of this,” Toby murmured.
“I couldn’t let you know, so I hid it. I was so ashamed. I knew I was destroying myself, but all I could think about was that I needed to be better for you. And in my twisted mind at the time, it meant I needed to make more money, have nicer cars, and live in an expensive apartment. I had to take you on fancy trips and give you pricey gifts.”
“I didn’t want any of that stuff.” Toby rolled his eyes. “All right, so the trips and gifts were nice, but I could’ve bought those on my own. I didn’t need you to have money or cars or an apartment. All I really ended up wanting was for you to keep me. To actually spend a night in my arms instead of bolting away as soon as you could after we fucked.” Toby bit his bottom lip.
Jensen could see it cost him something to admit that. Jensen went to Toby, kneeling again. He rested his hands on Toby’s knees, pleading with his eyes for Toby to believe. “Do you understand a little why I couldn’t stay? I had to get my fix and have my drinks. I couldn’t do either of those at your place. I never allowed myself to bring my drug of choice into your apartment. In some way, it was like if I did, I’d be desecrating your sanctuary. I’d leave you in the middle of the night, berating myself the entire time I drove to my dealer for the coke and hating myself when I returned to my empty apartment to do some lines and drink some shots.”
His heart leaped when Toby covered his hands with his. “Why didn’t you try to stop?”
“I didn’t know how and while I hated myself on the nights I crawled out of your bed, the rest of the time I truly thought I had things under control. I was making money hand over fist in the stock market and hedge funds. I told myself that my drinking and drug use weren’t affecting anything.” He glared down at his left arm, glad for once that a brace covered the right one. “Then someone introduced me to heroin and things went downhill from there.”
“The night you disappeared. What happened?”
Jensen rocked back on his heels then wiped his trembling hand over his mouth. He hated reliving it because he hated admitting he’d been so weak. “It was stupid. I’d decided to finally tell you about my problems and that I needed help. I was going to ask you to wait for me while I went through rehab. I had it all set up to go. Then I went to Casper’s party to meet you and I saw you flirting with some guy.”
He saw Toby narrow his eyes and he knew he was trying to remember who the man was. Jensen tapped Toby’s hand to bring his attention back to him.
“It doesn’t matter now whether you were flirting or not. Or whether you meant anything by being so friendly to him. It was what I saw and thought that mattered at the time. I was becoming increasingly paranoid that someone was going to find out my secret. Also, that you were going to realize how much of a waste of time I was.” He closed his eyes for a second. “Again, it was my delusional state that put me into the situation I ended up in. It really had nothing to do with you and if I had been in my right mind, I would’ve simply come and talked to you.”
“I wish you would have.” Toby’s voice was soft.
Jensen thought he might have heard a hint of sympathy in his tone.
Wishful thinking.
He gathered his scattered thoughts and said, “I went to my dealer and got a shit ton of bags. I was convinced you weren’t interested in me anymore, so what did it matter if I got high or anything. After getting home, I cooked some of it and shot up. I passed out and lost track of a whole lotta time. I’m lucky I didn’t die. When I came back to myself, I saw the needle still in my arm and fucking panicked. It was as though I’d heard a voice while I was out that told me I had a second chance, but that I needed to leave New York.”
“So you left,” Toby stated.
Jensen nodded. “I caught the first flight I could down to Miami where I checked myself into rehab. It took me over a year to get to the point where I could function without any kind of drug, even prescription ones. I learned to climb because I saw how much peace it gave Cat. After I was released, she became my instructor. We traveled the world and I discovered the best natural high was scaling a mountain, using my own muscles and sweat to get from the bottom to the top.”
Toby smiled at him. “I can tell you love it.”
“Only one thing can compare to what I feel when I’m on a mountain. Making love to you.” Jensen sighed. “I know you probably thinking I’m bullshitting you, but I’m not, Toby. Making love to you was the only time I flew without chemicals.”
Toby slid to his knees and into his arms. Jensen couldn’t believe he wasn’t imagining this whole thing. Toby cradled his face in his soft hands and Jensen nuzzled against his palm.
“I know I should let you finish, Jensen, and I’ll probably regret what I’m about to do, but come to bed with me.” Toby rubbed his thumb over Jensen’s bottom lip. “Let’s see if we can fly again without the drugs. Just you and me, then maybe afterward, you can stay and not sneak out like a thief.”
“I can do that,” Jensen promised, meaning every word. He could stay because he no longer had anything to hide from Toby and he had six years of being gone to make up for.
“Good.” Toby scrambled to his feet, offering his hand to help Jensen up. “Do you need some aspirin for your ankle and wrist?”
He shook his head. They ached a little, but he was used to the low level pain and he didn’t want to risk taking even over-the-counter pills. “I’ll be fine. When we’re done, I’ll just put a pillow under my ankle before we go to sleep. It’ll be all right in the morning.”
“Somehow I don’t believe you.” Toby gave him a narrow-eyed stare. “But I’ll let that pass because I think it might have something to do with pills and your past. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
“It would be my problem to deal with. Not yours.”
After he stood, he let Toby escort him down a hallway to a set of double doors. He gasped when Toby pushed one open before they entered Toby’s bedroom. While it was a very masculine room with its dark wood furniture and black satin comforter and sheets, there were small touches of bright colors softening the overall appearance. Large throw pillows in yellows, oranges, reds and pinks were scattered on top of the bed. Long rather gauzy curtains hung over the windows.
“Toby, this entire place is beautiful. I can tell you decorated it all on your own. You always had such amazing taste. Well, except when you decided to throw your hat in with mine.” He turned in a slow circle, checking out the paintings on the walls and the books on one small bookshelf.
“A few of my friends thought I was crazy to get involved with you as well, and when you disappeared, you proved all the naysayers right.” Toby began to unbutton his shirt. “Are you going to stand there or are you going to get naked?”
“Getting naked sounds like a great plan to me.” He winked at Toby as he tugged at his Henley.
Chapter Four
Toby watched as Jensen maneuvered his shirt off without removing the brace on his wrist. He hissed softly when a faded yellowish-green bruise was revealed running along the right side of Jensen’s chest. After approaching him, he touched one area of the skin softly.
“How long before you could take a deep breath?”
Jensen chuckled. “Just last week when the wraps came off. You wouldn’t think broken ribs would be so much trouble, but it was the second time in a year that I’d damaged them. It was the first injury that got me using again.”
Toby pre
ssed one of his fingers to his mouth. “No more talking about any of that right now. I just want to feel you inside me again. I’ve dreamt about you all these years and I’m going to take advantage of your reappearance.”
He shuddered. Jensen wrapped his lips around his finger then sucked on it. Clamping down on his desire, he smiled at Jensen as he gestured toward Jensen’s jeans.
“Start getting those off then sit on the bed. I’ll help you so you don’t hurt yourself further.”
Toby stripped off the rest of his clothes quickly then crouched in front of Jensen to remove his boots. He made sure to take care not to twist Jensen’s ankle. Once they were both naked, he stripped the covers down to the foot of the bed then supported Jensen as they wiggled and climbed into the middle of the mattress. Toby used pillows to prop Jensen up because he didn’t want Jensen to strain himself in any way.
“Are you feeling all right?”
Jensen grabbed his hand then tugged him down beside him. “I’m fine, Toby. I’ll let you know if anything hurts. I want to hold you.”
He lowered himself into Jensen’s arms, making sure to keep his weight on his left side. Their lips came together and Toby loved how he tasted. Without the alcohol that usually masked Jensen’s flavor, he tasted minty and a little sweet.
The thought of alcohol shot through his mind and he pulled a few inches away. “Is the alcohol on my breath bothering you? Do you want me to go brush my teeth?”
Chuckling, Jensen shook his head. “No. You’re fine, Toby. I’m not going to fall off the wagon just because I kissed you after you had a drink. It’s funny. Alcohol was my first addiction, but it was the easiest for me to control.”
“Good.”
His reassurance was all Toby needed. He dove back in, bringing their mouths together. Jensen slipped one hand to the back of Toby’s head, holding him still while they nibbled and sucked. Toby relearned all the little spots that made Jensen moan, and he groaned. Jensen palmed his ass before flexing his fingers into Toby’s muscle.
