‘I knew you would daddy, I just knew you would.’
The door swung open and my beautiful daughter jumped into my arms, her slim shoulders fit snugly inside my frame, I put my face against the top of her head and held her close, the smell and feel of her hair was exactly as I remembered. I couldn’t let go of her, she wouldn’t let go of me. She looked so tall, I couldn’t believe it, she must have grown an inch a month. I picked her up, her arms stretched around me, she buried her head into my neck and wrapped her legs around my waist. She was quietly sobbing into my jacket, unable to speak. I carried her to the sofa and sat her down on my knee. With my torch, I showed Roy where the lamps and matches were, and he gave the shelter some light. Hugging Emma warmed me up better than any fire I had made over the lasts few weeks. ‘You’re not to big for a cuddle with your dad then?’ I said.
‘I was so scared you wouldn’t come back’ she sobbed.
‘I told you I would, I would never lie to you.’
‘You’ve done amazing Emma, on your own’ said Roy.
Emma lifted her head and looked through her teary eyes at Roy, who was leaning against the work top in the kitchen. I introduced him and told her he would be coming with us, I didn’t go into to much detail about him, that’s a story for another day. I asked her what had happened to my mum and dad, she said ‘On the morning the bombs fell, grandad was taking me to school as grandma had an appointment at the hairdressers. We were listening to the radio on the way and that’s all the DJ’s were talking about, the bomb that had hit the country. It must have scared grandad because he never dropped me off, he turned around and went back home. He made me go into the shelter telling me he was just going to get grandma, and would be back soon. He promised me, but he never came back, I never saw him again. I was so scared, on my own. But I did exactly what you told me dad, I stayed in here, and never opened the door.’
‘You did great Emma’ I said.
‘Can we leave this shelter now dad? Everything will be okay now you’re back.’
‘It’s not as simple as that love, outside has changed a bit.’ After a few minutes in my arms, she fell asleep, so I carried her back into the bedroom and laid her on the bed covering her with the blanket. I stood watching her hair gently lift and drop on her breath, she looked so peaceful, completely unaware of the horror that had unfolded outside of this shelter. I really have no idea how to approach informing her, she has to understand the dangers that are around but she won’t fully understand what I’m telling her. She still believes in Father Christmas for fucks sake, how can I tell her how things really are. It’s not something I need to worry about right now, when I went back into the living area, Roy was looking through the cupboards. ‘You’re all set up here Nathan’ he said.
‘It’s done its job.’
‘You have enough food to last months.’
‘We cannot stay here though, it’s not safe.’
‘Really? It seems pretty secure to me, what are you thinking of doing?’
‘I’m not thinking about it yet, I just know its not safe here. The conditions are too dangerous to be out in the open in, and you saw the same thing I did in the forest.’ He told me he thought we should be actively seeking people we can trust, it’s a dangerous world for anyone trying to protect a female, I got the feeling George and June’s apathy towards a fight was disappointing him, he told me he couldn’t see himself settling there. Before we settled down to sleep, I made some cups of tea on the gas hob and we warmed our frozen fingers. I took the stained bandage of Roy’s hand to clean and treat it, washing away any dirt and grime that had got through with an antiseptic wipe from my first aid kit. The wound had completely scabbed over now, some bits came off as I cleaned. He still had a bit of movement in the severed finger, which he was happy about. I re-bandaged the hand, it should last a couple of days before it needs re-doing, by then we should have got back to George and June’s. We agreed to leave any decision making until tomorrow, it was late and we needed some sleep. Roy offered to take the sofa in the living area, he took his boots off and placed them under the coffee table, lifting his legs onto the sofa and covering himself with a blanket. I said good night and headed into the bedroom, I moved Emma over towards the back wall and covered her up again with the blankets. I took my boots off, put them under the bed and climbed in, June had bandaged my feet up pretty well, I hadn’t felt much pain from them during the first few hours walking, and only a little after that. I removed the bandage to examined the soles of my feet, there was just a couple of places that had bled, but they looked to be healing. I put the bandages back on and climbed into bed. I opened the door a couple of inches so I could see the ladder from my position, and with the aid of my torchlight, wrote up this diary entry.
17/11/2027 - Time 14:20
When I woke up this morning, I lay in bed for a while, just watching Emma. I had waited so long to get here, and been through so much. I couldn’t quite believe she was here, laid next to me, she looked so gentle, so vulnerable. I sat up and had a stretch, then leaned over her and kissed her cheek, I moved the hair off her face, back behind her ear. She twitched, rubbing her face in the pillow and I pulled the blankets back over her. I walked into the living area and then into the kitchen, picking up the tin kettle and placing it under the water container. I turned the tap on, filled the kettle with fresh water and carried it over to the gas hob. I placed it on top and lit the gas, turning around to lean against the work top and look out over the living area as the water gently simmered. I noticed Roy wasn’t on the sofa which was odd, he must have gone to the toilet. A few minutes went by, and with still no sign of him, I walked over to the toilet and had a look in, but he wasn’t there. I looked through the shelter but there was no sign of him, then I noticed his boots were gone from under the coffee table, he must have gone outside, why would he do that? I started to panic, I opened the bedroom door and shouted to Emma to get up, she rolled over and sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. ‘Get up now Emma, and get dressed for outside’ I shouted.
‘What’s wrong dad’ she replied.
‘Just do it, and do it quick.’
I grabbed my boots and slipped my feet in, tucking the laces down the side. I grabbed my rucksack from the floor, took my Welrod out and threw the bag onto the sofa. I took the magazine out of the chamber and threw it on the floor, and put the gun in my belt. ‘Emma’ I shouted, ‘Are you dressed?’
‘Yes daddy, I’m just putting my shoes on.’
I opened the kitchen cupboards and rummaged around for tinned food to take, they clattered onto the work top as a searched. I was struggling to get my brain working, I needed to grab some stuff and get out of there, but I couldn’t think straight. The kettle was whistling on the hob, so I took it off and put it on the work top. I got my rucksack from the sofa and filled it with tins, amongst them I found the magazine for my Welrod, which I pulled out of my belt and inserted. There was a noise behind me and I turned around to find feet coming down the ladder, I pulled back the bolt on the back of my gun and took the safety off. ‘Put your fucking hands in the air and turn around’ I shouted, as my adrenaline took over.
‘It’s just me Nathan, calm down.’
‘Calm down, are you joking? Where the fuck have you been?’
‘Will you lower the gun Nathan, it’s me.’
‘Answer the fucking question, why were you outside the shelter.’
‘I just wanted to stretch my legs’ he said, starting to lower his arms.
‘Keep your hands up, why would you go outside? I don’t understand, knowing what’s going on, the danger we are going to be under.’
‘I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry Nathan.’ Emma opened the bedroom door and peered out, dressed in her coat and boots.
‘Get back into the room Emma’ I shouted. ‘You know the situation we are in here Roy, why would you put us in any more danger?’
‘I’m not like you, just happy surviving, I need more than that.’
‘You
should have known better, I cannot afford to take any chances, what are you thinking? You know what will happen if she is discovered? You know what they will do to her?’
‘I know Nathan, I’m sorry, but this is your farm, I feel you should speak to these guys.’
‘Speak to who?’
‘The men who are occupying your house, they might not be who you think they are.’
‘Have you spoken to someone?’ Roy never said a word, but I could tell from the look on his face what had happened.
‘One of the men saw me’ he muttered, his eyes fixed on the floor.
‘He asked me what I was doing.’
‘Look at me Roy’ I shouted. ‘Where were you?’
‘Near the house.’
‘Why? What the fuck were you doing?’
‘Just looking around.’
‘What have you told him Roy?’
‘I didn’t tell him anything, I just wanted to have a look around the place.’
‘Did you tell him about this shelter? About us?’
Roy stood in silence, his eyes welling up. ‘I didn’t tell him anything.’
‘Are you sure he didn’t watch you come back here?’
‘I was careful, I made sure he didn’t see.’
‘God damn it Roy, I just don’t know what you are thinking.’ His head was down, tears running down his face. ‘I’m sorry Roy,’ I said, choking on the moment. ‘I just cannot trust you any more’ He raised his head as I lifted the gun, his eyes widened as I pulled the trigger. The back of his head exploded against the wall behind, he slumped to his knees and then onto his side. The bullet hit him between the eyes, a pool of blood was growing on the floor around his head. I put the safety back on, and put my gun back in my belt. Emma was screaming, I got hold of her and tried to calm her down. ‘Emma, just listen to me, we are going to have to go now, concentrate on me. Do not look at the body, keep your eyes on me.’ She stood in the bedroom doorway, holding her cuddly elephant under her arm, with a look of terror on her face. I grabbed my rucksack and threw it over my shoulder, picked her up and carried her over Roy’s body and put her on the ladder. She climbed up one step at a time, at the top, I climbed over her to lift the trapdoor. I had a quick look around and then threw the door over, we climbed out and just ran. I held her hand and we sprinted in the direction of the A702, there were voices and shouting coming from different directions, I only looked back once and saw torch lights moving swiftly from ground to sky as though in the hands of someone running. The ground was hard which helped, but Emma tired quickly, I had to drag her through the final stretch, her shoes scraping through the ash top. When we arrived at the A702, we sprinted straight over the road and jumped into the ditch on the other side. I took my Welrod out of my belt, pulled the bolt back and released the safety, putting my head above the ditch I watched in the direction we had come from, for any sign of movement. We didn’t move for over ten minutes, my eyes fixed on the horizon, giving Emma time to recover. I’m not sure she fully understood what had happened, she was still a bit teary eyed and emotional. I needed to move us to somewhere more secure to sort a few things out before we hit the road. Thirty yards further into the field we were sitting, was the trailer from an articulated lorry used to advertise an adventure park three junctions away. We quickly made our way across the open field to the back doors of the trailer, and climbed in. The inside was dark and damp, black fungus was climbing up the walls and droplets of water were falling to the floor through rusty holes in the panel roof, and pooling by our feet. Looking at Emma, still clutching her cuddly elephant, in a bright pink coat and purple pants, it would be obvious from some distance away she was a girl. I was going to have to find some boys clothes for her, which would mean a dangerous trip into a town centre, or a housing estate, but until then we would have to make do. I took her coat off and turned it inside out, fortunately the reverse was a dark grey, so I zipped it up and put it back over her head. Her pants were the same colour inside out, so there was nothing I could do about that. When it came to cutting her hair, it upset me, her long blonde hair looked and felt like her mothers, watching it fall into the dirty puddles as I chopped it off with my scissors was heartbreaking. She loved having long hair and was crying herself. The last thing she wanted to look like, was a stinky boy, but I told her she had to do, as there were men who would take her from me if they discovered she was a girl. ‘Why would someone take me? Would I see you again?’
‘No, you are going to have to be incredibly careful Emma, do everything I say, when I say it.’
‘I always do what you say daddy.’
‘I know you do love, but it has never been more important.’ I got my map out and tried to find a small town on route, but it wasn’t detailed enough, I would have to play it by ear. She had a few questions about what happened, I knew she would, never one to be afraid of speaking up when she had something on her mind. ‘Why did you shoot that man dad?’
‘I had to, I’m sorry you had to see it.’
‘But why? I thought he was your friend, you said he was going to come with us.’
‘I know what I said, but things changed.’
‘Did he do something wrong?’
‘He put us in danger.’
‘What kind of danger?’
‘The kind I don’t want to talk about right now. I’m sorry, I didn’t have an option.’
As the rain started to play a tune on the metal roof, I sat down for a little rest before setting off. I couldn’t get comfortable, something was bugging me in my back pocket, I reached in and pulled out the bullet I had wrapped in a hanky. I took the magazine out of my Welrod and clicked the bullet into the remaining space, I thought about it for a few seconds and then clicked it back out, handing it to Emma. ‘We only have five bullets left for my gun Emma, I want you to keep this bullet for yourself.’
‘Why do I need one.’
‘If I’m not around, and someone takes you.’
‘Why would you not be around daddy?’
‘I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, if I die and you are left on your own.’
‘You’re not going to die though are you?’
‘I might, I just want you to be prepared for the worst that could happen, and hopefully it never does.’
‘I cannot shoot someone daddy.’
‘It’s not for you to shoot someone, it’s for you to shoot yourself.’
‘Why would I shoot myself?’
‘Because if you get caught by one of these men, what they will do to you would be worse than dying. If I cannot protect you, I need to know you can protect yourself from anything like that happening.’
‘I wouldn’t know what to do dad, I don’t think I could do it.’ I took the magazine out of the chamber and moved next to her, I took her cuddly elephant out of her hand and replaced it with my Welrod. ‘It’s easy, you put the bullet in the magazine like this, and push it into the chamber.’ I gave her the bullet and she inserted it into the magazine and then into the gun. I then removed the magazine and placed the gun in her right hand, moving her left hand to the bolt and showing her how to pull it back. ‘When it clicks, you know it’s ready, just flick the safety off with your thumb and it is ready to fire.’
‘I cannot shoot myself though’ she sobbed, her emotions getting the better of her, ‘It would hurt.’
‘You wouldn’t feel a thing’ I said, lifting the barrel of the gun to her mouth. ‘As long as you do it right. Open your mouth, and put the barrel right to the back of your throat and aim at the sky.’ I put my finger over hers as she hovered over the trigger, ‘There’s no bullet in the gun, just press the trigger, it would be instant, you wouldn’t feel a thing, you need to be able to do it yourself.’ After a few seconds, there was a click as she pulled the trigger, she removed the gun from her mouth and gave it back to me. I gave her a cuddle and tried to change the subject to something a bit more suitable, Ella the elephant was in need of some tender loving care. I should probably
tell you a little bit about the history of Ella as Emma and the elephant have been inseparable for the past three years. Ella had been my favourite cuddly toy as a child and had gone everywhere with me. When Jane died and I brought Emma back to my farm, my mum found Ella and thought Emma would like her, and they have never spent a night apart since. She’s a bit worn now with one eye a bit loose, but she’s been worth the weight of her blue fur in gold. When the downpour had moved over, we left the trailer heading for George and June’s farm. It was very cold, there was a bit of rain in the sky, and the ground was hard and scorched. I found the walk much more mentally straining than any previous journey I had made, I didn’t know what to do with Emma, I had to make sure she wasn’t seen. In the end I settled on her walking directly behind me in case we met anyone on the road, I was always looking, searching, making sure to check every possibility. If we did meet someone, I wanted to be in control of the situation and know exactly where she was. Emma found the walk particularly hard, I tied a piece of rope around my waist with the length trailing behind me, she would hold onto it helping her to keep up, and I could tell if she was there without looking. But our speed was significantly slower, around half what Roy and I were walking. I found the right speed for her through a bit of trial and error, whenever she couldn’t keep to my pace she would let go of the rope, after a bit of stop starting we found the speed she could keep to. The first obstacle we faced was the adventure park which loomed into view after a few miles of fields, the design of the park was mostly foliage, which had been burnt away, leaving long and winding paths with burned out attractions. We had visited the park on many occasions, living that locally, so I knew it like the back of my hand. It’s always busy with children running around, having fun, it seemed surreal walking through it when it was deserted. I knew where the different food halls were, and we headed towards the nearest one. When I got there, I found the buildings metal security shutters were pulled down with a padlock on the handle. I took my crowbar off its attachment, and put it through the metal chains, I turned the crowbar until it put pressure on the links, and they began to burst. ‘Don’t do that dad, someone might see you’ said Emma.
Aftermath: The Complete Collection (Books 1 & 2) Page 14
