Willow (The Willow Series Book 1)

by Cheri Lewis

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I keep busy trying to keep Wade’s speech from playing over and over in my head. The thoughts keep wandering right back in. They’re like an itch I can’t scratch, always there and nagging. I grab another box from the attic and walk it back down placing it on top of the other three boxes I’ve already brought down. Heath likes me. He doesn’t find it hard to be my friend. Does he? But that’s not what he’s talking about is it?… I thought about going back, didn’t I? I mean he’s the one who was making fun of me with his brother. You know what? Screw him. I’m not going to let this bother me anymore. I push the thoughts from my head again for the hundredth time as I make myself concentrate on the boxes of old files I’ve been meaning to scan into my computer for a what feels like forever now.

  I become frustrated when I see I’ve grabbed some boxes out of the wrong stack. I’m not sure exactly why I’ve done anything I’ve done over the last twenty four hours. I’ve poured orange juice in Joe’s water bowl instead of water. I dropped my phone and cracked my screen. Joe woke me up at two thirty this morning to remind me I haven’t fed him and that made me to realize I hadn’t fed myself either. I tried making coffee with no water in the coffee maker and the icing on the cake is when I almost put gasoline in my diesel tank when I fueled up earlier.

  I feel like I’m asleep but I’m awake, wishing I really were asleep. I feel restless and nothing, I mean nothing, is making me feel at ease. I see an old case file that reminds me of Heath. I take a break and call him, placing my cell phone on my desk and on speaker phone while continue to run the case files through the scanning machine.

  “Hello,” Heath answers on the second ring.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Actually I was about to call you. What are you doing?”

  “Scanning in old case files.”

  “Sounds like a lot of fun.”

  “I bought this new scanner over a year ago and I scan in my new cases immediately. These I’ve been meaning to do since I bought it and I have free time on my hands so… Anyway, what were you going to call me for?”

  “I was going to check and see if you wanted to go get something to eat?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “I can pick up something to eat and come hang out with you.”

  “I guess.”

  “Or I could meet you at your house.”

  “Nah. There’s nothing to do there, besides I need to finish this, I guess.”

  “You want to come to mine and go swimming? Well, after you finish what you’re doing.”

  Joe sits up. I look over and his ears are perked up and I smile at him. It amazes me how he seems to know what we’re saying. “Yeah… we can, Joe wants to.” Though that doesn’t sound like something I want to do either.

  “I know, how about we go to Rolling Meadows?”

  I think about his suggestion and it actually sounds like a great idea. Joe can come. He’s never been and I haven’t been in months. I’ll have to concentrate on what we’re doing, too. “Yes, let’s do that and lets go ahead and go now.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you in thirty?”

  “Give me an hour. I need to go home and change.”

  I leave all the boxes right where they are and turn everything off and lock up. I speed home glad for the first time in hours that I have something I want to do. I change into gym shorts and a sports bra with a t-shirt on top then grab my neon blue New Balance shoes from the closet. I also grab a small back pack throwing a small plastic bowl and several bottles of water in for us and Joe because it’s going to get hot.

  Heath’s already waiting for me at the beginning of the trail when I park. Joe jumps across my lap to get out to greet him first.

  Heath checks his watch before he says, “We have three and half hours before it starts getting dark.”

  “Then we better get started.”

  I toss the backpack on my shoulders and follow behind Heath who’s already jogging ten steps ahead of me. Joe races after him with his tail wagging. I run, catching up with him and we set a steady pace until we reach the first obstacle course. We climb up and over two rope walls, the first being ten feet shorter than the second. Joe races around and around barking at us because he can’t come too. Heath beats me over the first but I make up for it and beat him over the second. We break out in a run down the path and around a sharp curve to the second course this one we use our feet on one bar and our hands on a bar several feet away that run parallel to each over going over a small stream. The bars extend twenty five feet and the stream itself is I’m guessing seven or eight. My stomach muscles burn as I hold on shifting myself along. Joe doesn’t mind running under us or playing in the stream as we work our way across.

  Heath waits for me since he beats me to the bars but once I’m off I don’t wait. I take off like a rocket and I find myself smiling as I hear him and Joe chasing behind me. When we get to the red barrels we’re both dripping in sweat. I let Heath use my leg to catapult himself up on top. He stays up to help me up and over. We have to do this three times before the path picks back up. We do four more obstacles before we reach the swinging steps. Heath and I are both out of breath. We’ve run almost three miles now and my right side is hurting but we don’t stop. Ten wooden planks made into small swinging steps are what I have to climb to make it to the top of a platform before using a fireman’s pole to get back down to the ground. On the forth step my foot slips and my hand burns as I slide down the rope trying to save myself from hitting the ground below. I hang on and I feel Heath grab my arm trying to help me up as he swings on a step beside me. I look up at Heath and all it once it hits me like I’ve been punched in the gut with a sledge hammer. I let go of the rope and fall the short distance to the ground knocking the air from my lungs but thankful the ground is soft and more forgiving than it could have been.

  “What the fuck did you let go for?” he yells from above me. Joe is already sniffing all over me like he’s a medical doctor making sure I’m okay. I push him back, stand and brush myself off as I walk to the other side of the course. Leaning against the platform I wait for Heath. He slides down the pole. “Are you okay?”

  “Do you think I push people away on purpose?”

  I feel him stare at me while I watch Joe look between us. Joe’s not the least bit tired. He wants to keep going I can tell by the way he’s dancing but he’s hassling heavily.

  “Willow.”

  “No.” I look up at Heath. “I mean it. Do you think I push people away that like me on purpose?”

  He leans against the wall beside me. I pull the backpack off and hand Heath a water then take the bowl out and pour Joe some too and he laps it up. I take a big gulp before pouring the rest into Joe’s bowl as he continues to drink. “Does this have to do with Wade?”

  “You know by you not answering me, you’re really answering me.”

  “It’s not that simple, Willow, and you know that. We’re different.”

  “Is that why you’re my friend?”

  “Is that why you’re mine?” he retaliates agitated.

  “It’s just, Wade said some stuff and I can’t get it out of my mind.”

  He takes another drink from his bottle. “Willow, one day there’s going to be somebody that makes us forget all the hurt we’ve been through.”

  My eyes pain as I force back the tears at his unusually sweet words. Sweet words that I’m not usually sensitive to. “Heath I don’t know if I want that. I’m fine being alone.”

  “You’re just scared.”

  “I’m not scared.”

  He looks at me expressionless. “I’m scared. How do I know someone won’t leave me? How do I know they’ll love me enough to stay?”

  It sounds like he’s saying the same thing but I get it. It’s two totally different things and it’s the truth. But where is this coming from? He’s so open about it. Why is he telling me these things? I mean he’s the only one I could see myself discussing these feelings with but this isn
’t our normal conversation. I look at him and he knows what I’m about to ask. “I’ve been seeing a counselor. It’s mandatory that we see her every ninety days for work and it’s paid for by the station with all the shit we see and deal with daily. About six months ago I asked if I could see her more. So I go once a week.”

  “You’ve been seeing a shrink and you didn’t tell me?”

  He shrugs. “It wouldn’t hurt for you to see one too.”

  “Do you have to lie on a couch? Is that how she solves all your problems?” I ask sarcastically.

  He frowns at me. “No I sit in a chair.”

  “Does she ask how you see yourself? Are you a winner or a loser Heath? Or do you blame yourself for how screwed up you are? Or if you had different parents, do you think your life would be better?” I ask again with way too much sarcasm.

  “Not really… we just talk about stuff.”

  “Does she make you talk about your sister?”

  He shakes his head and I regret it. Okay total bitch move. I’m such a bitch.

  “You don’t like what you’re hearing so you going to push me away now too, like you do everybody else? Do you think you’ll ever allow anyone to ever love you or at least like you?”

  His displeasing eyes and smart retort feel like a double edge sword piercing my heart. My jaw drops. I can’t believe he said that to me. I shouldn’t have said what I said but… He replies without me even having to say a word. His face has changed and he looks wrecked and pissed. “Well, Willow, I can’t believe you said that to me either. But, to answer your question, no, we haven’t discussed her or her dying in my arms while I was in charge of taking care of her. No, we haven’t talked all about the sores or the gross stuff. Damn bugs we ate because we were hungry. Or the throwing up or diarrhea that I couldn’t stop coming from her before the light went out in her eyes. Or how I was with her for hours begging her to breathe just to breathe, again, so I wouldn’t be left alone.” Tears stream down his face as he clinches his jaw. “For once, Willow, let your damn guard down. And shut the fuck up!”

  Heath leaves me and I feel lost immediately… alone. I just hurt him for no reason and I did it because I’m hurting. I was looking for a fight and I got one. The wrong one. Joe follows Heath but looks back to me waiting for me to follow. I bend over placing my hands on my knees. The wind has been knocked out of me and I can’t catch my breath. All I can do is picture Heath as a child the day I first met him, his face red because all he did was cry. He cried for weeks and now I understand the full truth as to why. He’s never told me how she died or that he was with her. I just knew he made it out and she didn’t. I start putting one foot in front of the other chasing after him. Joe races ahead of me so I know Heath isn’t too far. I run as fast as I can until I catch him.

  “Sorry isn’t enough!” I yell a pitiful apology. He stomps a few more feet and I yell again, “Please, Heath, I…” He stops spinning around. His eyes are red. He’s crying and now I am, too, full blown blubbering mess as I beg for an attempt to make this right and an apology isn’t going to be enough, “You’re my brother. You’re my best friend and I just treated you worse than my parents ever treated me. Worse than I’ve ever treated anybody in my entire life. I’m so sorry, Heath. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “I tried to help her you know. I tried to save her.”

  “I know and she knows. She knew you were there to help her.”

  “But I didn’t, did I? I let her die!” he yells with such anger and hurt.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “It’s not?” he lets out a mad laugh spreading his arms wide. “Oh thank you so much, Willow. Thank you for your worthless opinion on my life and what I’ve dealt with.”

  He bites down on his jaw and the rage is roiling off him. “Heath… I—”

  “Have you ever wondered why I’m your only friend?” I swallow the large lump in my throat. I know he’s about to lay the truth on me and I know I’m not going to want to hear it. “It’s because I’m a doormat and I’m too scared not to be your friend. You push me away all the time. Me… after everything we’ve been through together, you still keep me at arm’s length. Who will I have if I don’t have you? Huh? Who will ever love me after they know the truth of what I’ve done? Why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I look out the window one day earlier? Somebody might have seen me then… She might still be alive.”

  All I can hear are Heath’s sobs. I push him away. I push everybody away and I know what I have to do. I open my mouth and the truth begins to pour from me. Things I’ve never spoken aloud to another living soul. If I didn’t talk about it, it never happened. But it did. “My mother let my uncle have….me,” the words tremble as I say them. He looks up and I force myself to look him in the eyes as I continue, “She told me it was a game. I’d get a candy bar or a toy and she’d get her little baggie with white pills. Her ‘medicine’ as she called it. She let my uncle hurt Jaime, the only other friend I’ve had besides you, when she came over to play one day. When it came time to go to court, I lied. I told the court that Jaime told me her own father did it to her. My mother said that was the only way we could stay together otherwise I’d never see her again. I lied so I could stay with my mother who was using me to support her habit. I possibly ruined an innocent’s man’s life by lying. I didn’t realize what I was doing then but I know it now. I wanted to help her because she said I was the only one who could. I believed that you know, that allowing myself to be used was helping my mother and I wanted her to be okay. I wanted to believe that she loved me.” I shrug and wipe the tears, sweat and snot off my face with my t-shirt. “I don’t ever want to be used again.”

  We stare at each other a long time both crying. I don’t know if I’m crying for myself anymore or at what Heath admitted to me. He takes a step forward then we both walk to each other. He wraps his arm around me and I hug him tight, burying my face in his chest. We hug for a long time and both cry for different reasons, but they’re the same. We’re damaged. Screwed up and damaged.

  When our tears subside and we’ve both calmed down a bit, he pulls me back. “You know, I’ll never use you right, Willow? You know that.”

  I give him a hopeful smile and wipe my tears. “I know. I swear I know. I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. And I hope you know I love you enough to never leave you.”

  He lets out a sigh and a smile. “You wouldn’t have any friends if you did.”

  I let out a snort laugh thankful to hear him making jokes as I wipe my face again with my shirt. “I’m sorry, Heath.”

  “Me, too.”

  We aren’t apologizing for our fight that I caused either. We’re apologizing about everything in our lives that’s happened to us. Every rotten, low down, terrible thing that’s landed at our feet during our years on this earth.

  “I feel like we’ve run a marathon and did combat fighting. I’m exhausted,” Heath says.

  “I have a headache.”

  He pulls back and looks at me. “When’s the last time you’ve eaten?”

  “Yesterday at lunch.”

  “You going to tell me what happened between you and Wade?”

  I groan thinking back over it. My nose sounds stuffed when I speak, “I handcuffed him to the bed and left him there.”

  “You didn’t.” I look up at him and he smiles his eyes puffy and nose is still red. “Oh, yeah… you did.”

  “I guess I have to stop pushing people away.”

  “I’d start with apologizing to him first.”

  “I don’t even know where to start with him.”

  “You’ll figure it out. You always do.”

  “Heath?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re not my friend because you’re too afraid not to be?”

  He half smiles. “Heat of the moment remark.”

  “I’m just saying I think I’m a pretty good friend.”

  “The best.”

  “I don’t deserve you.”


  “I know.” I hug him again because I know how lucky I am to have him.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  After our come to Jesus argument Heath and I got some supper and went back to my house. We watched movies and hung out the rest of the evening. It feels different between us now. Not in a bad way but a healthier way. We both released things that had been haunting us for years. Things we’ve both been too afraid to admit aloud. We’re not fixed, but we’re better. The sores from the past have healed a little more.

  Heath volunteered to take Joe home with him tonight and watch him tomorrow since I’ll be gone all day doing my community service. It’s a foreign feeling but I don’t want to let Joe go. He’s my dog and should be with me. The suggestion that Heath could come by here tomorrow and get him is on the tip of my tongue but the thought of Heath having Joe keep him company tonight washes that suggestion away. When they leave it’s late and I’m stuffed. We ate after we left the trail and then ordered pizza and wings while watching the movies. Between being full, mentally and physically exhausted I fall into bed I drift right to sleep.

  The next morning I arrive fifteen minutes earlier than the thirty, Chuck, my supervisor, said I needed to be there so I can get checked in. I watch as people begin arriving, all looking as aggravated as I feel and still feel like I’m swimming from the emotional hurricane yesterday. One by one men and women enter the back door at the sanitation department. When I open my truck door I frown too. The wonderful aroma of garbage fills the air. I feel like I’m in a garbage dump instead of a nice parking lot with a well-manicured lawn. I see the culprit as I make my way to the back of the building, hundreds of trashcans and dumpsters set in a caged area to the side and damn do they stink.

  I toss my coffee cup into the trash can by the door and enter. An overweight, short, balding man is standing with a clipboard calling off names. He has to take a big gulp of air through his mouth after every other word like he’s having trouble getting enough oxygen. “... Sanchez.”