“Well…yeah.” Mia shrugged like she was stunned by Zoe’s reaction.
“Oh my god. You have no idea, Mia. You’re so caught up in your stupid little love bubble that you don’t have a freaking clue how much shit hurts people outside it. You want to talk about Spencer, you want to take that walk down memory lane and dredge up all the bullshit I went through. Everything Derek went through. Well then, be my guest. Ask Derek, ’cause I sure as shit am not going to sit here and relive that. Once was enough. Sorry, Holly. I just…I can’t do it.” With that Zoe signed off and the screen went blank.
Everyone exchanged curious glances with each other. I found myself wondering if I was the only one in the room who didn’t know the whole story. From the look on Carly’s face, she knew enough that she felt extremely sorry for Zoe.
“Well…”
“Well, on that note,” Josie began as she stumbled to her feet, still cradling her sleeping daughter in her arms. Matilda moaned and wiggled but didn’t wake. “I’m going to take this Munchkin home and get her into bed. Mia, want a lift?”
“Sure.” Mia was obviously deflated. Zoe’s words were harsh, yet more than likely true, and they’d done an incredible job of sobering Mia up.
I never did find out what happened with Spencer and part of me was glad for it. Obviously it was bad. Worse than what Josie had been through with the whole being pregnant and abandoned thing. Worse even than Payton. I couldn’t imagine being dumped by my fiancé and having to start again. Good thing for me was I knew I’d never be in the position to find out. I wasn’t going there. There was no way in hell I was going to let some boy close enough to hurt me. And thankfully, I had four bodyguards who’d help me keep that promise, even if it was only a promise I made to myself.
***
Now here I was, Monday morning, and climbing in Ryan’s ute so he could drive me to school. I knew having to be driven in each day was an inconvenience for them, and more than once I’d offered to stay home. All that did was earn me a bunch of groans and lectures. They didn’t get it. I doubted they ever would. Instead, they figured out a roster and each day someone would take me.
“I like my hair,” I stated firmly. I don’t know how or why, but for some reason having a new haircut and colour made me feel almost like a new person. Fresh. Like I could start again. At least that’s what I was hoping.
“It’s very…um…red.”
“Yep!”
Gone were my long boring brown curls which were now replaced by a bright red bob. I couldn’t help but flick it back and forth. It’d been so long since I’d had short hair, it was kind of a novelty for me. One that hadn’t worn off yet.
Thankfully, Ryan let it go and focused on driving. Instead he asked how my therapy was going and if I needed anything. I dodged most of his questions but Ryan had this innate way of getting me to open up and say things I didn’t even know I wanted to say. Soon enough I’d confessed that while Skyping with the doctors every couple of days was still happening, it wasn’t really helping. Mainly I felt like I was going around in circles, not moving forward. It was frustrating as hell, but I’d promised I’d try. It was the only way the boys were going to let me come home instead of ending up in some mental home.
We turned onto the street, and up ahead I saw the school filling with people. The bus was emptying and the guilt weighed heavily on me. That bus drove right past our front gate every morning. All I had to do was put my petty bullshit aside and climb aboard and I’d save my brothers over an hour each day. I just had to stop being such a selfish cow and get on. I just…I couldn’t do it. Not yet anyway.
“You going to be okay?”
“Yep,” I lied way too enthusiastically.
Looking over at Ryan, I knew he didn’t buy my lie, not even for a second, but thankfully he kept quiet. Instead he just handed me a twenty from his wallet and squeezed my hand. “Walk up to Payton’s after school. She’s coming out tonight to cook dinner…”
“Payton’s cooking?” Now I really was excited. I hadn’t eaten a meal that Payton cooked yet where I hadn’t gone back for seconds like a big pig. My only saving grace was my brothers were even more obnoxious and often helped themselves to a third and even fourth serving. Thankfully she didn’t cook for us every night, ’cause if she did, my ass would be as wide as the bus I couldn’t bear to ride.
“Yep. Her and Beau want to talk to us about something.”
“Really?” Now I was intrigued.
“Anyway, can you walk to the bakery? Payton said she’d bring you home when she comes out. You okay with that?”
“Absolutely.” I liked the idea of getting some time with Payton on my own. She was easy to talk to. She was probably the one person who knew more of what was going on inside my head than anyone, including the expensive shrink. I don’t know if it was the cookies she bribed me with or if it was just the fact that I actually believed she cared, but for some reason as soon as I got near her I found myself spilling my guts.
“Okay then. Have fun.” I jumped from the ute and shut the door. Just as I was about to step through the gate, Ryan called out, “Holly! If you need anyone, Gage is closest today.”
My heart sank.
It wasn’t what Ryan said, he’d be the last person on earth who’d ever try and hurt me, but damn, did it sting. I loved my brothers, but sometimes, I wanted to strangle them where they stood. I got it. I’d been an idiot. Washing down a handful of pills with a bottle of scotch didn’t exactly help my case, but I was better now. Well, I wasn’t, but I was working on it. Sometimes though, in their attempts to protect me, they just made me feel worse. Ashamed. It was like this life changing event, an event that’d changed all of us that we couldn’t get past. It was horrible. And haunting me.
“Thanks,” I confirmed with a wave. The absolute last thing I needed right now was for Ryan to see the way his words affected me. See how broken I still was. This wasn’t something I could mend overnight, no matter how much I wanted to. It’d take time. And I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that it would be all smooth sailing. I could pretty much guarantee, that at some point, I’d stumble. At least that’s what the shrink assured me was normal. I doubted he even knew what normal was anymore.
Hitching my backpack higher—damn, these books were heavy—I walked towards the gate. Thankfully, in our negotiations of getting me to come to school, the boys had agreed they’d only take me to the back gate. The last thing I needed was the whole school seeing me get dropped off each day. I was already an outcast being the new kid in town, I didn’t need any extra attention.
As I walked through the gravel parking lot, my anxiety kicked in and I was quickly spiralling. I was oblivious to everyone and everything around me. I had a maths quiz this morning, that although I’d spent most of last night studying for it, I was pretty sure I was going to fail. Math was not my friend. I had a double session of History, thank god, where I could sit and lose myself in Ancient Rome. I think it’d become my favourite. Maybe it was because the teacher actually treated us like adults, not morons. He asked for our opinions and seemingly, he listened. It was definitely something I wasn’t used to. The years I’d spent at boarding school, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d been asked for my opinion, then when I’d offered it, it’d been shut down and declared wrong. No wonder I never spoke up. Then I had English. I didn’t want to go. In fact, I’d pretty much do anything to avoid ever having to step foot in that class again. The thought alone of facing those people, stole my breath. Stopping where I was, I hunched forward and sucked in some deep breaths.
“You okay?”
A hand touched my shoulder and I screamed blue murder as I jumped ten feet in the air. Okay, maybe it wasn’t ten feet, but it scared the ever-loving shit out of me and wiped five years off my life.
“J-Jack?”
“Holly?” He looked genuinely shocked. I guess he should. With the heavy eye makeup and the now bright red hair, I didn’t look like the girl he ran into a couple of d
ays ago.
“Oh, hey.” With my heart still racing, I had to shake my head to force away the blurriness.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. You just scared the crap out of me.”
“Sorry.” He shrugged, looking apologetic and something else. Something more. I might not know Jack very well, but all it took was one look at him to know something more was going on. Maybe his parents were being assholes again. From what he’d told me, that wouldn’t surprise me at all.
Holding my hands against my chest, I willed the oncoming panic attack to subside. Six months ago I didn’t even know what a panic attack was. Now, not only were we well acquainted, but I’d had to come up with ways to try and combat the sneaky bastards. Those dumb ass breathing exercises everyone raves about…yeah, they’re complete bullshit.
Jack must have sensed something wasn’t right. He moved in front of me, blocking the view of the group of guys who’d been standing behind him, and took hold of my shoulders. After forcing me to straighten up, he lifted my chin and looked me dead in the eye. My insides shuddered at the look of pure pain on his face. A pain I was causing him.
“Breathe, Holly. Just breathe.”
I wanted to tell him I was trying. I wanted to tell him that with every breath I sucked in, all I could smell was him, and it was overwhelming and comforting all at the same time. Instead I sealed my lips shut, determined not to make a fool out of myself. Well, not make it any worse than it already was. When he tugged my shoulders towards him, I knew what he was doing. He was going to wrap me in those strong arms and hold me until the moment passed. I didn’t want to want that. I shouldn’t want that. But I did. Damn, did I ever. Instead, I fortified myself and stepped backwards out of his grasp. Jack’s eyes widened at my movement but he thankfully remained silent.
“You ready to head in?” I asked, acting like nothing had happened.
Stunned, Jack looked around at his mates waiting for him to make the call. It was like he was the king or something. They didn’t move unless he approved it. It was kinda sad to watch, really. And it brought back some horrid reminders of boarding school and the cliques there. Shaking off the memory, I checked with Jack and pleaded with him silently. I could seriously fall in love with this boy. Without a word, he seemed to understand what I was asking and nodded to the group. Together we walked through the gates and into the quad.
I should have felt scared…intimidated even. Walking around in the middle of a group of guys I didn’t know, them all towering over me. Instead I felt the calmest and safest I’d felt in months. Even with my brothers around me, I’d never felt this.
One of them, I think his name was Zach, told some corny dad joke and they all cracked up. Dad jokes seemed to be their thing. Who could tell the worst one. Within minutes they were flying back and forth so quickly I could barely keep up with the punch lines.
“Come on, Holly, join in. Surely you’ve got one for us?” one of the guys asked. He had a head full of curly red hair and a splattering of freckles covering his nose. His eyes were hidden behind silver aviator shades and his cheeks were rosy from his laughter.
I didn’t want to let them down. From the moment I came home I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Sure, Payton and Carly had brought me into their gang, but they didn’t have a choice. Not really. They were pretty much family. But being accepted by Jack’s friends, that meant something to me. More than they’d ever know.
“You can’t handle my jokes,” I teased back, hoping they’d let me off the hook. No such luck though.
“Come on, Holly. Pretty little private school girl like you. Surely you’ve got a good one stashed away.”
I looked at Jack for saving, but the smug bastard just shrugged at me. “Fine, you wanna hear a joke, here’s one. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?”
They all exchanged confused glances, and I couldn’t help but notice their cheeks turning pink. What did they expect? I might be a girl and tiny in comparison to them, but that no way meant I was naïve and innocent.
“Well?”
“Condoms have evolved. They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.” Their jaws dropped and I threw my head back and laughed. I laughed so hard it hurt my sides and sent tears flowing down my cheeks.
A huge guy stepped up to Jack and thumped him on the back so hard I felt Jack stumble forward beside me before righting himself again. “Where’d you find this one?”
“On the side of the road,” I answered quickly.
“Keep her, Jack! I like her.”
“Yeah, yeah. Come on. Let’s go before we get our asses busted again for loitering.”
“Again.”
Adjusting my heavy bag on my shoulder, I fell in step amongst Jack and his friends and let them lead me towards the gate. I should have been intimidated. I’d met these guys all of five minutes ago and I barely reached their shoulders, yet I felt completely comfortable. Before I’d had the chance to take ten steps, my bag was pulled off my shoulder as Jack slung it over his like it weighed nothing at all. Damn show off.
“Holy hell, Holly. What the hell are you hauling around in this thing?”
“Your balls,” came a snicker from behind me. I couldn’t help but giggle. They were all so at ease with each other. Yep, they said some things which could be interpreted the wrong way, and could end up with someone sporting a bloody nose or a black eye, but it rolled off their shoulders like it was nothing. I guess to them it wasn’t. I think deep down, I was just jealous that I didn’t have someone like that standing beside me who I could have that type of conversation with. Maybe one day.
As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I knew Amber and Caitlyn were not going to be a part of that friendship circle. Across the mostly deserted quad they were glaring at me so hard I could almost feel the hate beams shooting from their eyes. Normally I would have been jealous at the way they looked, I mean, it was hard not to be, with their perfectly styled hair and a face full of makeup. The way their simple white button down school uniform shirts pulled across their boobs just enough. Not too much to be slutty but just enough to hint at what was hiding beneath the cotton. Their skirts were short, showing off their long, lean legs, and even their boots, knee high black boots with a heel I couldn’t even imagine pretending to walk in, it all just fit. Looking at them you’d never know they were farm girls.
Jack must have noticed my discomfort because he tugged me close and whispered in my ear. His warm breath on my neck sent a shiver down my spine. “Don’t worry about them. They’re all talk. We got your back.”
It was kinda frustrating. For him, it all just seemed so simple. He had my back. His buddies had my back. Why the fuck did someone need to? Surely I should be able to come to school, do my thing, and get the hell out again five days a week without needing a bodyguard. Or in my case, half a dozen of them.
The bell rang again and I was officially late. Tugging my bag from Jack’s shoulder, I jogged across the concrete, almost tripping and falling on my face more than once as I raced towards the classroom.
Lunch couldn’t have come soon enough. I was starving. I’d missed so many meals—that wasn’t unusual for me—but right now I could eat a horse. Escaping the monotony of the classroom, I headed out the door into the sunshine. It warmed my face the moment I stepped into the sun. After rifling through my bag, I dug out my fake Dior sunglasses and settled them on my face before heading across to the playground. At the foot of the huge old gum tree, I leant back against the trunk and stuffed my face. Thankfully Payton had thrown in a couple of extra cookies for me today. That woman was a saint.
It didn’t take long for my usually quiet and sheltered spot to become overrun with people. And in a school this size, that was saying something. Apparently today was soccer day. If you had two feet and a dick, it was a given that you were playing. With a weird fascination I watched as teams were picked quickly and play began. It didn’t take long before the entire school’s female population found their wa
y to the field and took up their positions as cheerleaders. I had no desire to join in with, well, any of it really, but sitting back and being an observer was something I didn’t want to give up. After all, I was here first.
As I finished my juice box, I set the empty wrapper down beside me when I noticed two feet standing beside me.
“Uh hi?” I mumbled, looking up. Because of the angle of the sun I was forced to cover my eyes with my arm to block enough of the bright light out so I could see the face staring down at me.
“You’re Holly, right?”
“Yeah?” Being the shiny new toy sucked ass sometimes. It seemed everyone knew my name and thought they knew my story. They didn’t. In fact, they had no idea. Some of the shit I’d been through, they couldn’t even begin to imagine. It was the stuff of nightmares.
“I’m Brian. I was with Jack this morning?”
Taking another look, recognition sunk in. Brian was the one who hung back. Probably not deliberately, but more because of the fact he was on crutches and couldn’t keep up. Explained why he wasn’t out there running around and beating his chest with the rest of the school’s Neanderthal population.
“What happened to your foot?” I blurted without thinking. Sometimes I needed to check my filter. Some days it didn’t work. Today was obviously one of them.
“Motorbike accident.” He shrugged as he dropped his crutches to the grass before hopping around and sinking down beside me.
I felt kinda awkward. Pretending to be stuffing around with my empty lunch wrappers, I shuffled about, putting some distance between us. While Brian seemed like a nice enough guy, I didn’t know him. And I definitely didn’t want to give him the wrong idea that I liked him. Nor anyone else for that matter.
“Bad?”
“Bad enough the bike’s totalled.”
“That sucks.”
“Yep.”
For a few minutes we sat in silence, both lost in our own thoughts. I was staring vacantly across the field but not really paying attention. For some reason I started thinking about my mum. Fuck knows where it’d come from, but suddenly I was overcome by this sadness that wrapped around me like a blanket trying to suffocate me.
Fighting Back (Meet the McIntyres Book 3) Page 10
