I’m not sure how much more patient I can be.
Apparently I’m supposed to create a sense of joy around Benjamin. But how on earth am I supposed to get something like joy out of a child who is as cold and distant as Benjamin?
Comment (1):
Oh, Caitlin, that must have been so disappointing! Halloween is one of the best nights of the year and you must have been looking forward to it so much! I just want to reach out and hug you!
Comment (2):
You shouldn’t blame yourself. You should blame the orphanage! They are sending kids to live with American families even if those kids are really damaged! Yours is not the only case! There was a mom at the nursery school where my child went who had adopted a baby from Russia and he was like a zombie – all day long he would rock backward and forward, backward and forward. She was a good mom! You sound like a good mom, too! I think that what you are saying is actually correct: there is more wrong with these children than we want to admit. Don’t beat yourself up about it. The fault is not with you.
Chapter 32
The (Alternative) Book of Benjamin
Well, what can I say?
Benjamin has been living with us in the United States now for seven months and I have been one-on-one with him every day.
I’ve sought the opinion of four doctors and/or therapists, and they may well be confused about what is going on, but I am not.
I have formed the view – based on my observation of my own son over seven long months – that there is actually something wrong with Benjamin and it’s going to take a radical intervention to put it right.
I mentioned in an earlier post that Benjamin had figured out how to get out of the house. That’s now become a habit, too. I’ve had to put deadlocks on both doors downstairs and I’ve taken to carrying the keys, because obviously it’s dangerous being deadlocked into your own house. What if an intruder comes through a window and you can’t get out? What if the house catches fire???
Anyway, it hasn’t stopped Benjamin. Our house is an old Colonial. It has very high ceilings. Benjamin’s room is upstairs in the converted roof space. He’s got two lovely attic windows with timber window seats, and blue-and-white striped cushions. I had them made. I used to dream of sitting there, under the glow of the moon, reading to Benjamin. I’d thought about Colby sitting there with him, maybe pointing out the stars with a telescope.
Both of those windows are now nailed shut. Benjamin was flipping the latch, gripping the pane and swinging himself up to get onto the roof. He’s still very small, but he’s no longer weak. Blame the Sustagen! He’s wiry and muscular, like a greyhound. He was getting out on the roof and climbing down the verandah posts and creeping off across the lawn, through the forest behind the house.
I have tried to explain how dangerous it is. I have said, no, no, and I’ve made him sit on the floor in the room while I nailed the windows shut to reinforce the message.
But it’s like he quite enjoys seeing my torment.
One of Benjamin’s therapists said, ‘It’s because he sees you as a symbol of everything he’s lost. And maybe it’s also a way of protecting himself from further loss. He was three when he was taken to the orphanage, wasn’t he? How does he know that you won’t take him back there one day?’
I was so exasperated. I said, ‘I’m a symbol of everything he’s gained.’
She said, ‘Not in his eyes. You took him out of the orphanage. The only home he ever knew. All those people who cared for him, gone.’
I could hardly believe it. I may have failed at getting Benjamin to love me, but he is definitely in better shape – better physical shape, I mean – since I took him into my home. All those months he wouldn’t eat at the table, I still got food into him. He’s more muscular, and he’s taller. He’s not going to win any beauty contests, but his skin looks better, and his hair. His legs have lost that bow shape. His stomach has lost that bloated look. There’s more colour in his cheeks. He doesn’t look quite as grey. He still spends most of his time looking down at his shoes. But there’s no question that physically he’s better off for living in America.
Benjamin’s problems aren’t physical. They are mental, emotional, psychological – whatever you want to call it. And no, it’s not autism. It’s not Asperger’s. Believe me, we’ve had those tests. This is something else, something more serious.
And so maybe that therapist was right. Maybe whatever kind of life Benjamin had in the orphanage, it was the life he wanted. Maybe the orphanage was home, and as far as he was concerned, I have taken him away from his home.
So, what to do? Well, having said all of that, I want to make this plain: I am not giving up.
I went into Benjamin’s room last night. He’d spent the early part of the evening tapping his head on the floorboards – just gently, but still – over and over again. Then he must have decided that enough was enough, and he was curled up in a ball on the mattress I’ve put on the floor, where the pile of blankets used to be. He wasn’t asleep. His eyes were wide open, staring at some mark on the wall.
I reached out and rubbed his back in a round circle. He didn’t stop me, so I did it again, and then over and over again, just rubbing my hand in a gentle circle, until I realised that he’d fallen asleep.
I thought, ‘Okay, I’ve soothed him to sleep. I’ve soothed the savage beast!’
It wasn’t much, but it was something.
Comment (1):
Hi, Caitlin, long time reader here but first time commentator. I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing how you have adapted to this situation. I have been reading your website pretty much since you started and I know what your dreams about your family were, and the way you keep going and trying to make things better is an inspiration to me. I just wanted to say, you go girl, because you are doing a great job and in my opinion your husband could be doing a lot more to help.
Comment (2):
Plus ONE! I totally agree with the comment above. It sounds like you’re doing all the hard work and your husband has just washed his hands of the situation and that is not acceptable in this day and age. I really think he should be doing more to help you because you are doing all the heavy lifting and adopting a child was a decision that the TWO of you made, not just you alone.
Chapter 33
The (Alternative) Book of Benjamin
The title of this post is ‘My Life Is Falling Apart’.
I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while. I’ve had a bit of a shock. It’s okay. It’s not about Benjamin. He’s fine. He’s the same.
It’s me that’s not fine. I’m a wreck. Colby is having an affair.
I realise that’s not going to surprise some people. I realise I’ve hardly talked about him, and my regular readers – bless you all – will know that almost everything I do with Benjamin I do by myself, and that’s because Colby lost interest a long time ago. To be honest, on some level I suppose I’ve known for some time that there must be another woman. I just couldn’t afford to face the truth. I didn’t want to face the truth.
Now the truth is staring me in the face, I guess I can’t avoid it anymore.
I won’t say the woman’s name because I suspect that she reads this website. It’s just a feeling I get from some of the nasty comments that get left. But it’s somebody from Colby’s work. I know, right? Who would have guessed? Like, you didn’t see that coming? They were both working at Carnegie during 9/11, so they’ve known each other for years. She was actually very good to me in those weeks after 9/11 when I didn’t know anybody in Manhattan except Colby (we had another friend, Robert; he was killed). She helped find a counsellor for me when I was supposed to be going home but I couldn’t get on the plane.
I wonder why she was so keen to see me get on that plane!
I remember after 9/11, she told Colby she was going to go back to her home state, Maine. Her parents were very worried about her, and wanted her to find a job out of the City. It was around the time that anthrax was turni
ng up in the mail, or maybe I’m wrong and it was around the time the sniper was working in Washington DC, shooting people in Home Depot car parks. It was something like that. I mainly remember that Colby talked her out of it. I was a bit suspicious at the time and he told me not to be so ridiculous.
I was trying to think this week how old she is. I’m pretty sure she’s older than me but I don’t really know. I do know she isn’t married and she has her own apartment in the City. She’s all very Sex and the City. The conversations I’ve had with her over the years have tended to be how she loves work and she loves shoes. Well, good for her. Now it seems that she loves my husband.
Like I said, I have been curious about their relationship for quite a while and I’ve actually asked Colby a few times in the past whether he wasn’t getting too close to her. This was when I had suspicions and he was telling me not to be stupid. He told me he felt this loyalty to her because of what they went through rebuilding Carnegie after 9/11. Loyalty! I remember saying, ‘Well, promoting her into a job where she earns about $200,000 a year, isn’t that loyalty? I mean, a salary like that is amazing when you realise that she’s never been to business school.’
You’re probably wondering how I found out about the affair. Or, more accurately, how I had my suspicions over many years confirmed. It’s the oldest story in the world. I found out from his cell phone.
I mentioned a little earlier that Colby has started coming home even later than usual. I have tried not to make too much of that. I realise that our home isn’t exactly filled with happiness right now. Life with Benjamin is extremely challenging. But I was a bit suspicious. So, I asked him what he was doing and he said, ‘Oh, things are frantic at work,’ but sometimes I could smell alcohol on his breath. On those occasions, he’d say, ‘It’s no big deal, Caitlin. I just had a few beers with some colleagues after work.’
I suppose that could have been true, but I don’t know, I just didn’t believe it. So, when I saw the message alert on his phone go off one evening while Colby was in the shower, I checked his phone – and there was all the evidence I needed.
There were ten messages, maybe more, from this woman, and that’s only counting the ones I was able to flick through before I heard Colby turn the water off.
Clearly, she thinks they’re in love.
I didn’t have time to check his end of the messages – the Sent folder – but, once you know you know. What more do I really need to find out?
I can’t say it surprised me. Thinking back on it, this woman has been a thorn in the side of my marriage for quite a while. I remember when we first started the process of adoption, I was looking through Colby’s email for something – a document I needed – and I found one of his emails to her. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like: ‘I don’t know what to do. Caitlin is adamant that she wants to adopt, but there’s no way we can do it. Things just aren’t good enough between us.’
This woman had replied, saying, ‘Well, what are you going to do about that?’ And Colby had said, ‘I’m encouraging her to stick with her counselling. But she won’t listen. She just says, “Oh, no, everything’s fine.”’
I was furious with him, firstly for discussing our plans with somebody who is a stranger to me – and who was probably already trying to undermine me – and also for running me down. And I made what was probably a critical error, in that I didn’t confront Colby with that email. I just pretended I hadn’t seen it, and pushed on with our adoption plans. I couldn’t see how the problems we were having had anything to do with this woman, but if he wanted to confide in her, what could I do about it?
It was harder to ignore the messages on his cell phone.
There was nothing explicit, but there was enough there, believe me, to confirm my suspicions.
I’ve been thinking about whether to confront him. On the one hand, I want to know everything: how long it has been going on, and where they have sex. Every single detail. I’ve had some horrible dreams about them having sex in Colby’s office. How romantic! I wake up feeling like I’m going to throw up.
I suppose they talk about me.
I can imagine Colby saying, ‘Oh, I’m in love with you, but how can I leave Caitlin?’
I can imagine this woman saying, ‘Just take your time, we’ll figure out a way.’
My problem is, what am I supposed to do now? I really can’t see myself saying, ‘Okay, tell me about this stupid woman at work that you’re seeing behind my back?’ Because what would that do? All that’s going to do is open the can of worms. It’s going to give Colby a chance to say, ‘Caitlin, you’re right, I’ve been cheating on you, and maybe I should leave.’
Which is what he wants. He wants to leave. So, why should I confront him and give him the excuse he needs to walk out on me?
Some of you are probably thinking, but you can’t just ignore it. What kind of marriage is that, based on lies? I understand – but look at it from my point of view: Colby has done the wrong thing because he’s not happy at home. And why is he not happy at home? Because we adopted Benjamin. As tough as it is to face, that’s the truth of it. And I have to take some responsibility for that. I was the one who really wanted this. And I intend to face up to my responsibilities, even if Colby can’t.
Comment (1):
What terrible news! I can hardly believe what you’re going through. Excuse my French but your husband must be a bastard! He must be able to see how hard you are working with Benjamin and now he gives you this to deal with as well! I could smack him. I hope he’s reading this!! Then he’ll know for sure that you are a woman of decency and he’s just a jerk!
Comment (2):
I’m in awe of you, Caitlin. You are so brave and so strong. Plenty of people would cave under the pressure you’re under and you keep looking for solutions. Keep going!
Comment (3):
No, I’m sorry, but I cannot believe how selfish you are. This is not about Benjamin!!!! This is about YOU and your marriage. Have you stopped to think that your husband might actually be in love with this other woman? What if their relationship is the real thing? You seem to be suggesting that he should remain unhappy forever because of a stupid decision YOU made to adopt a child. But why should he have to live his life for YOU? Do you really think it’s appropriate to put all your personal details online? Don’t you understand that this is the World Wide Web – and ANYONE in the WORLD can read what you’ve written – including all your husband’s colleagues and clients and his business partners, his family, his friends and his mistress too???? I can hardly blame him for wanting to get away from you!
Comment in Reply (posted by Caitlin):
Well, you seem to know quite a bit about us, but I notice you don’t give your name. I’m used to that. It comes with blogging on the internet. But maybe now I should ask: who are you? Why don’t you leave your name? Is it because you are too scared – or maybe you know more than you are letting on. Maybe I know you! And maybe you know me? I bet I’m not wrong …
Chapter 34
The (Alternative) Book of Benjamin
Well, I have spent a long time thinking about what I should do and I decided after the last post that I would not let Colby’s affair get the better of us.
Why should I let another woman with terrible morals destroy our happiness?
Why should I give up the wonderful life we could have together? I am going to fix the problems we have in our home. And then I am going to forgive Colby for being stupid. And Colby is going to come back to me.
But before I can do that, I have to fix the problem of Benjamin. There’s just no way forward with Colby while Benjamin behaves like he does. Obviously it is going to take some time, because all the obvious treatments have failed, and now radical action has failed too.
I’d better explain: after I found out about Colby, I decided, okay, let’s quit all this mucking around and let’s get serious about this problem. And I went into a bit of a frenzy, searching the internet for places
that might be able to help us.
One of the first places I found was called Sam’s Happy Camp. According to the website, it’s specifically for children who have been adopted from overseas, who haven’t been able to connect with their new families.
I thought, ‘It’s tailor made.’ Because Benjamin is definitely not able to connect with us.
As soon as I started reading the website, I fell in love with the way the founder and director – there’s actually two of them, and both are called Samantha – described our problem. Samantha said, ‘Living with one of these children (meaning, an adopted child) is like living with a wild animal. They might look cute when they’re sleeping, but you, as the parent, know that they’re just waiting for an opportunity to tear your face off.’
Finally somebody who tells it like it is!
Samantha’s theory is that these kids have an ‘attachment disorder’. She says, ‘As parents, you think because you took them out of the orphanage and because you’re giving them everything, that will be enough.’
Amen to that.
She says, ‘You’re basically thinking, “Love will be enough.” But sometimes love isn’t enough. Some of these children are so badly damaged – so disturbed – that they will never become attached to your family, unless you take radical action.’
Well, I was certainly ready to take radical action!! So I raised the idea with Colby. I have been finding it difficult to find time to sit down and talk to him – and you can guess why he’s never home – so I opened my laptop to the Sam’s Happy Camp page, slid it across the table to him and said, ‘Look at this.’
The website had images of adopted children – they had Chinese faces or Hispanic faces – cuddled into the arms of their white parents. I tried to explain the philosophy to Colby: Samantha believes that most of the damage to these children is done when the ‘bonds of birth’ are broken. They are taken from their mothers and put in orphanages, or else their mothers break the bonds themselves, by leaving them on the side of the road. What Samantha tries to do is take children back to the womb, and then it’s our job to let them be ‘born’ into their new families.
Can You Keep a Secret? Page 23
