by R. A. Rock
I shuddered.
“We’ve already seen a bit of what people will be like and it’s only been a week. Imagine how much worse that will get when people are starving, Ness.”
She picked at the dead grass between the gravel on the shoulder of the road where we sat.
“That’s exactly what I thought,” she said, glumly. “I was hoping for an easy way out of all this mess.”
“Besides, you won’t be alone at the lake. You’ll have me.”
There was a second of quiet.
“And my mom,” I added hastily in case she got the wrong idea, like that I wanted more of her kisses. Which I totally did. But if she had changed her mind, I wasn’t going to beg. No way.
“Our numbers are getting pretty low to have any strength in them,” she said, clearly disheartened. I agreed completely, of course, but I needed a way to cheer her up — and maybe myself along with her.
“Well, think of it this way,” I said, a grin cracking my face as I thought of something to make her smile. “We’re less likely to get eaten by a bear with them gone.”
“True dat,” she said, an amused expression peeking out from behind the gloomy look on her face. “Guess I might as well keep going. I don’t have anything else to do.”
She held her fist up. I smiled wider and gave her a fist bump. It might only be the two of us from here on in but I had to admit. There was no one else I wanted to be lost in the wilderness with.
Nessa
I walked back to James and Carlynne with Matt beside me. The sun had come out again and its weak light was cheering if not particularly warm. It felt like a good omen. Like I had made the right decision to go on and the sun was blessing us.
“You’re not coming, are you?” Carlynne said, looking disappointed. “I can see it on your faces.”
I shook my head.
“I guess we’re parting ways. We each have our own road to follow.”
Carlynne’s eyes filled with tears.
“I’m going to miss you,” she said, surprising me.
She gave me a hug. Then James gave me a one-armed hug, being careful of his bandaged arm.
“You guys stay safe.”
Matt gave them each a hug, too.
“Make sure you tie your food up in a tree,” he said. “And get off the road if you see people or cars.”
“Yes, Dad,” James said, a warm smile on his face for his friend.
“I just want you guys to be safe,” Matt said.
“We’ll try to remember what you taught us,” Carlynne said. “You be safe too.”
I wanted to tell her to text when she got home so we would know that they were alright but I realized that those sorts of comforts weren’t available to us anymore. Unless someone brought the message, we wouldn’t know what happened to them. It made this parting all the more serious.
Well, until the power came back on, anyway.
Carlynne gave us each another hug and then we all shouldered our packs and headed in opposite directions.
I faced south with renewed determination. The cold wind blowing from the north was at my back and I counted that as another good omen.
This journey might require more of me than I had expected. But I was stronger than I knew. And I was up for whatever life was going to throw at me.
WELL, EVERYTHING EXCEPT a snow storm in April.
I was up for everything except that.
Really, Mother Nature?
Are we really going there?
It was entirely within her repertoire. I had seen snow at the end of May or beginning of June here, when I was a girl. There hadn’t been too many cold spells like that lately, though, so I guessed we were due.
I refused to complain, though. I didn’t want to be like Carlynne. Plus it was a waste of energy. And it made me miserable. So I lifted my chin and sucked it up. I wasn’t going to act like Carlynne and beg him to make camp.
Surely he would suggest we stop soon.
But we walked on.
The cold wind cut through my coat, which was supposed to be wind proof and water proof. Soon there was snow hitting my face like tiny spears and I narrowed my eyes to slits. I pulled out the tuque I had stuffed in one of my extra pockets, not really expecting to need it on this trip, and yanked it on my head.
Damn it was going to be cold tonight.
I did a tally in my head of the clothes that I had.
Long underwear, T-shirt, pants, long sleeved shirt, sweater, tuque, hoodie, sleeping bag, oh and I could wrap a couple of those insulating blankets I had bought at Canadian Tire around my sleeping bag.
I pursed my lips, contemplating.
Maybe, just maybe all that would be enough to keep me warm without Matt. Because it was going below zero tonight, for sure. And I was fairly certain he wouldn’t be sharing any of that lovely body heat with me tonight because of the whole kissing-the-guy-with-a-girlfriend catastrophe. So wearing all of my clothes would have to do to keep me warm.
No one had ever died of shivering, anyway.
Right?
WE WALKED ON through the afternoon. It was hard to tell what time it was because the sky was grey-white and the air was filled with snowflakes. I could hardly see and I wished I had brought my scarf and mitts, too. Sheesh. I was lucky I had even thought to throw in my tuque, which I had only brought because I had remembered how cold my head always gets at night when I’m camping.
The ground was getting white as the snow covered it, sticking to the grass but still melting on the asphalt. The highway held enough heat that the snow was puddling on it but by tomorrow if the temperature went below freezing, it would be an ice rink.
We didn’t speak, only soldiered on through the snow storm.
“You think we should make camp?” he said, finally and I nearly burst into tears, I was so miserable.
“I thought you’d never ask,” I said, my voice breaking a little.
“You were waiting for me to call a halt?” he said, looking so cute in the tight, beanie-style, navy tuque that he wore.
“Yeah, so?”
“I was waiting for you to suggest we stop,” he said, laughing in a rather unhinged fashion, I thought.
“Christ, we’d better get set up before the storm gets any worse.” I looked around for a likely spot.
“There.” He pointed, having already scoped out a spot before he suggested we stop.
We worked as quickly as we could, with Matt snapping the poles together and me clearing as much snow as possible and laying out the tent. Then we each held an end of one pole and bent it into an arc, putting the end of the pole in the metal grommets. We did the same for the other pole, making a dome. I attached the hooks that held the tent to the poles, while Matt added the fly on top. And it was done.
“I’ll hang the packs,” he said and I dug what I needed out of my bag and threw it inside. I gratefully gave him my backpack and headed to the bushes to go pee. I was not getting out of the tent tonight — not for anything — so I better not have to go to the bathroom.
Let’s just say that peeing behind a bush in a snowstorm is the opposite of fun. It is so far in the opposite direction that it has come around the other side in terribleness. It sucks to be a woman peeing in the bush, I just have to say.
When I got back to the campsite, Matt was tying off the rope after he had hoisted the packs into a tree that was far enough away that if any animal got interested in it, the nuts left in my bag wouldn’t lead the creature directly to us.
I shivered, thinking about how not-fun sleeping in a tent was going to be tonight. Though it couldn’t compete with the not-fun-ness of peeing in the woods in a snowstorm.
God, I missed indoor plumbing.
And running water.
And hot baths.
And baseboard heaters to keep my house warm.
Shut up, Nessa, I told myself. You’re just making it worse.
In my irritation, I couldn’t help commenting to Mark.
“I do envy you your e
quipment,” I said, as he crawled in making the space about a thousand times smaller than it had been without him in it.
“My equipment?” His brow furrowed in confusion. “You mean my camping equipment? It’s not that much better than yours.”
I struggled to pull my sleeping bag out of its stuff sack, noting that it was good and damp.
Great. Just great.
No complaining, I reminded myself.
“No. Your equipment down there,” I said, glancing at his crotch and then wishing I hadn’t as all sorts of images flooded my brain, giving me a stab of lust that I really didn’t need at the moment. “You men don’t know how easy you have it with your fire hoses for aiming.”
He stared at me for a moment and then burst out laughing.
“It’s not funny, Matthew,” I said, feeling petulant. “You also have a inordinate amount of body heat, that I also envy.”
“Well, I can’t share my equipment,” he said, and the way he looked at me when he spoke made my blood heat. “Not in that way, anyhow.”
Jesus, in what way was he willing to share his equipment then? I thought I knew and I clenched my legs muscles, my heart rate speeding up at the thought.
Then just as suddenly I remembered that he probably had a girlfriend. And he had no right to be flirting with me.
Damn, that sucked.
“But I can share my body heat,” he said. “You’re worried about being cold, aren’t you? Like the other night?”
“It wasn’t even below zero that night,” I said, pulling on layer after layer of clothing.
“Don’t worry, Ness,” he said, pulling off his shirt and baring his chest for me. “I’ll make sure you’re not cold.”
I was stunned by the sight of all that muscle and I was unable to respond for a long moment. Then I unfroze, wondering again about the money belt.
“Thank you,” I said, and then had to ask. “What’s with the money belt? It’s not like you’re going to need money anytime soon.”
He looked down at his torso as if he had forgotten about it.
“Oh. That’s where I’m keeping my mom’s medication. I don’t want to lose it, have it stolen, or have it get wet. I almost forgot about it, I’ve been wearing it so long.”
“Ah, now it all makes sense. I was wondering.”
I wiggled into my sleeping bag, wrinkling my nose at the dampness of it but trying not to complain, not even in my mind. I should count my blessings. Some people were much worse off than me right now. I hoped James and Carlynne were safely in shelter and that Gideon and Oona had arrived back at his house or wherever they were staying in town. And that my family was somewhere safe, too.
When I was settled comfortably on my side, facing away from Matt, he slithered over and fitted his body in against mine, spooning me. Totally platonically, of course — equipment comment notwithstanding.
I gave a tiny sigh that I hoped he didn’t hear.
This would be so nice.
If only I knew how he really felt about me.
And whether or not as he snuggled with me, he was thinking of her.
Nessa
I woke up with Matt’s back pressed against mine. We were both in our sleeping bags and it was so cozy, I almost wanted to snuggle in and go back to sleep.
If only it could be like this every day.
I sat up suddenly, jolted by the thought.
That sounded an awful lot like I was falling for Matt.
Again.
I was not going to fall for Matt-who-probably-had-a-girlfriend. That was a bad idea. It was a terrible idea. It was definitely the worst idea ever.
I had been a mess for years after high school. I was finally in a place where I was content… sort of. And I didn’t want to upset that balance. Sure, I wasn’t happy. But I wasn’t totally screwed up, like I was before. And I didn’t want to go back to that. There was no way I was ever going back to feeling that bad.
Matt didn’t like me in the girlfriend sense and I had to remember that. He already had a girlfriend. If I thought I saw anything in his behaviour, I was probably just reading into it.
“Everything okay?” Matt said his voice raspy with sleep.
“Yeah,” I said, struggling a little to get out of the sleeping bag. He sat up and watched me in silence.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, Matt,” I said, finally freeing myself. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
He lifted one eyebrow.
“So to speak,” I amended.
There would be no more bathrooms for a while. I hoped I wouldn’t pee on my jeans. I stepped out of the tent and was hit in the face by the harsh cold. The sun was about to come up and the forest seemed to be waiting for the event. I took a deep breath of the fresh, invigorating air. The ground was covered in frost and it was so cold that I could see my breath. I walked into the bush, looking for somewhere that was far enough to give me some privacy but not so far I got lost.
When I found a place where two bushes and a tree made a little area where I could pee without someone or some animal coming up on me from behind, I took off my pants, undies, socks, and boots squatting down reluctantly with my bare feet in the snow. There was no way I was risking peeing on my pants no matter how damn cold it was.
Unsurprisingly, I managed to splash my feet a bit.
God, how was I going to do this for the next however long it took to get to my cabin where there was a toilet seat?
Oh shut up, Nessa, I told the whiny part of myself. There are people a lot worse off than you. Peeing on my feet was not the worst thing that could happen to a person. I grabbed some leaves from the ground and swiped at my feet, not really improving anything. I decided to put on my undies and pants. I would wash my feet in the river and then put my socks and boots back on.
I walked barefoot on the frozen ground back towards the highway and found a fairly big puddle of meltwater in the ditch, dunking my nearly frozen feet in the frigid water. Then I balanced on one foot, drying the foot on my pants and then putting on each sock and boot.
When the whole ordeal was over, I decided that I wouldn’t eat or drink anything until I got to my cabin so that I could avoid having to go pee again.
Then again maybe there was a better way. Maybe I could ask Matt. I thought about the awkwardness between us since the kiss.
Oh God. No, I wasn’t going to ask Matt-who-had-a-girlfriend-but-who-I-had-kissed-anyway about how to pee in the woods. I rolled my eyes at myself, feeling grumpy.
I didn’t want to have to pee ever again.
I sighed. It was going to be a long day.
Matt
The morning had dawned grey and Nessa came back from the river a little irritable, kind of snapping at me when I offered her water and breakfast, so I left her alone.
Soon, we were walking along the wide open ditch because the highway was too icy and we were worried about falling. Yesterday, it had rained before it had changed to snow and it was still below zero this morning, so there was lots of ice with snow on top. Very slippery.
There was even ice on the ground where we were walking, but because there was so much more traction, we figured our shoes wouldn’t slip as much with all the dirt, rocks, and plants.
The air was as cold as in winter and we could see our breath. We walked all day, mostly in silence and I cursed myself again for letting things get awkward between us.
Soon it would be time to make camp and I began to keep an eye out for a good spot while my head went back to the thoughts that I couldn’t stop thinking all day.
See, I couldn’t wrap my head around this thing with Nessa.
Whatever it was or wasn’t.
That kiss. That kiss.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her lips.
And I shouldn’t be thinking about any of her body parts. Not with the way things were going with this trip. What with losing four of our group. And most of our food. And the snowstorm yesterday. And…
And why
the hell had I been flirting with her last night? Talking about sharing my equipment. Christ.
(My brain just wouldn’t let it go.)
If anything was going to happen between us, right now was probably not the time for it.
Still, she had kissed me.
I sighed, feeling pissed off at myself that she had made the first move. I was the guy. Wasn’t that my job? Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind that she had kissed me and I had definitely enjoyed it. But the whole reason for coming back here had been so I would stop chickening out with her. And here I had done it again.
Give me a fish on a line, an animal in my sights, a lake to swim across, or a tree to climb and I was your man. I considered myself brave and strong. I was no weakling. But this one small woman had me completely undone. And I didn’t know how to get over my fear of rejection. Nothing for it but to tell her straight out how I felt. No matter how she reacted it would be better than feeling like I was a coward.
I vowed that if there was going to be another kiss, I would initiate it. But I wasn’t sure she wanted another kiss. And sometimes she was giving me strange looks that I didn’t know how to interpret.
It was almost as though she didn’t trust me but I didn’t know why she would have any reason to distrust me. And after some of the crap that we had been through together, I would have thought that we would be closer.
Damn. I should probably just ask her what was wrong.
I would. I would ask her today.
Soon.
Well, sometime, anyway.
“Matt, about the other night,” Nessa said, her eyes meeting mine.
Oh, here we go.
“Yeah?”
I held my breath.
What was she going to say?
“It was just…” She paused searching for words. “I guess I just got carried away. It was a mistake.”
