by Emma Davies
‘Yes, I thought it might.’
‘And so, you stayed to look after things here for him?’
‘I did. Things had become unbearable at home. It was probably about the right time for me to move out anyway, but with everything that had happened, naturally my parents decided I must be having an affair with Amos. There could be no other reason for my scandalous behaviour and it didn’t matter what I said, they didn’t believe me. We had a furious row one evening, and I moved out. I’ve been here ever since. Amos put things on a proper legal footing so that I am officially his tenant, and the rest, as they say, is history.’
Maria took another swallow of wine, her words swirling around them as Grace sat quietly trying to take in everything. She felt utterly humbled to be in the company of this young woman who had shown so much courage and dignity, even when she herself had suffered enormously; it made Grace feel quite ashamed to have been so fixated with the material things in her life. And, as for Amos, Grace couldn’t even begin to piece together all the different emotions she was feeling about him.
The minutes ticked by until Grace became aware that Maria was watching her. The young woman smiled. ‘It’s a bit of a conversation killer, isn’t it?’ she said.
‘I don’t know what to say first,’ admitted Grace. ‘Except that I am very grateful to you for telling me. That can’t have been easy.’
‘It’s a whole lot easier telling someone who I know will understand.’
Maria’s eyes were clear and bright as she held Grace’s look and, impulsively, Grace got to her feet, her eyes filling with tears as she hugged Maria to her. The two women stood like that for quite some time until, beginning to laugh, Grace wiped under her eyes and gently pulled away.
‘I’m not sure who that hug was for, me or you,’ she said.
‘For us both. Thank you, Grace. It’s been a while since anyone hugged me.’
And suddenly Grace realised that the last person who had hugged her had been Amos, right out of the blue, and she had felt just the same way. It had felt so good to be held. A wave of longing swept over her; she was aching to see him, talk to him, touch him, but more than anything to let him know how special a person he was. She gave a sudden shiver.
Noticing, Maria took her hand. ‘Come on, let’s go back inside. It’s too cool out here now and getting late.’ Her smile turned into one of sympathy. ‘And perhaps you might like to have a bath or something? A little time to yourself.’
Grace returned her smile gratefully. It was as if Maria had read her mind. Gathering up the glasses and plates, they went back inside, Maria switching on lamps as they went. Moments later they were standing in the spare bedroom.
‘This is Amos’s room, of course,’ said Maria. ‘Although I guess you’ve probably worked that out.’ She stroked a hand across the homely patchwork throw on the bed. ‘I don’t know why I always keep it made up really, I mean he usually sleeps in the garden.’
Grace’s hand went to her heart, warmed by their shared knowledge. It felt absolutely right that she should be here, in this room, and the thought was like the softest of blankets settling around her.
‘Help yourself to whatever you need,’ added Maria. ‘I know that Amos won’t mind in the slightest, and if you need anything else, just say. I’m going downstairs for a bit so take your time.’
She stood by the doorway for a second on her way out before turning back to Grace. ‘Sweet dreams,’ she said.
The warm water of the bath felt like silk against Grace’s skin and she lay, letting her tears fall peacefully without even attempting to wipe them away. Maria’s story had left its mark and, as Grace relaxed, she let go of her emotions too. Shortly after, feeling cleansed and calm, she wrapped one of the huge towels around her and padded back into the bedroom. The curtains were still open and the moonlight shone onto the lane below. She wondered what it would feel like to see Amos walking towards her.
Crossing to the wardrobe, she took out one of Amos’s shirts, soft white cotton that felt delicious against her skin as she pulled it over her head. His presence was palpable in the room as she climbed into bed and, minutes later, she was fast asleep.
23
Grace left after breakfast the next morning.
She’d known as soon as she woke that Amos wasn’t coming back. She had slept well until about four in the morning when she came to with a start and, without even thinking, crossed straight to the window to look down into the lane beyond. As soon as she saw the empty road she understood the turmoil that must be filling Amos’s head. He couldn’t come home, not just yet anyway. He had left the farm because he was terrified that his secret was about to be revealed but, from what Maria had said, Amos was also realising that he couldn’t outrun his past forever, and that maybe the time was right to finally face and lay down his guilt. That being the case, would his home really be the place to do that? Maria was here, someone he trusted and cared about, but so were all the memories and emotions that he had run from in the first place. They would crowd his head, giving him very little space to think things through rationally.
Grace had tried to put herself in his shoes, to understand how he must be feeling, but all she could think was that he would need to be in a place where he could reflect and put things into perspective. But where? And then it had come to her. Amos had spent years travelling from place to place, criss-crossing his path back and forth, but if you were going to finish a journey, to bring it full circle, what better place than where it all began? Particularly if there was someone else from whom you sought forgiveness…
As soon as she’d put her idea to Maria, she could see her eyes light up in agreement, and she dashed off to find a map.
‘It’s near here,’ she’d said, pointing at a collection of lanes on the map that made up the nearest town. ‘Go straight through, past the market square and just after, turn right towards Marcle. The village isn’t huge, so you’ll find it easily enough, just stay on the same road and you’ll drive right by.’ She folded up the map and gave it to Grace. ‘Take it,’ she said. ‘I’ll make us some breakfast.’
It had been all Grace could do to sit still and eat it. Every part of her was itching to get on the road, and the delay felt excruciating. The more she’d thought about it, the more she was certain that the village was where Amos had gone and she was desperate to race after him, but she couldn’t refuse Maria’s kindness. She ate as fast as she could without seeming rude, until, in the end, Maria just laughed, whisked Grace’s plate out from under her and cried, ‘Go, go!’
They hugged fiercely and Grace knew without a doubt that she would see Maria again, very soon.
‘I’ll ring you,’ she said. ‘As soon as I know anything.’ And with that she was gone, navigating her way carefully down the narrow lane away from where Amos had made his home. It took several minutes before Grace’s heart stopped its ferocious pounding and she was able to relax and settle into the journey without crunching the unfamiliar gears. She had a feeling she was going to remember every mile of it.
Even with stopping briefly in the small town, it took Grace just twenty minutes to get there; she hadn’t driven fast, crawling along to see if she could catch sight of Amos along the way. Her stomach was tying itself in knots. She was so close to her destination but, despite her earlier desire to race ahead, now she just wanted to slow everything down.
At the moment she still had hope. There was still the possibility that everything would turn out all right. But what if Amos wasn’t there? Or what if he was there but didn’t want to talk to her? A sob caught in her throat. She thought of the time they had shared together since he arrived at Hope Corner; his kindnesses, his quirky sense of humour, his wisdom and the ability he had to make Grace feel so alive. She couldn’t bear the thought that all that could be over, that she might never get to share those things with him again. How misguided she had been over the past few years, and now, just when she had realised how to set herself free, she stood to lose everything.
> Heart pounding as she drove, her eyes scoured the countryside for any sign of him, but the road ahead stayed empty and, as she pulled into a small layby, there were neither people nor cars in sight.
The sun was warm on her arms as she pushed open the lych-gate and walked inside, following the path that led off to the left, just as Maria had described. She was vaguely aware of birds singing, of flowers along the path, but she scarcely registered them, intent on her search. Her feet carried her forward, not caring where she was walking until suddenly she stopped, one hand moving to rest against her heart.
She looked down at the flowers in her other hand, and with tears welling in her eyes she took the final few steps of her journey until she was kneeling beside Amos.
Gently she laid the roses she’d been carrying beside the young woman’s grave. ‘Hello, Beth,’ she whispered, ‘I’ve heard so much about you.’
She thought at first that Amos hadn’t heard her. His head remained bent, his hands loosely clasped in his lap. But then he looked up, turning slightly, and his eyes went straight to hers, widening and then shining in delight with a warmth that wrapped itself around her as a slow smile lit up his face.
‘Grace,’ he said. ‘You came.’ And then he stood, pulling her with him, pulling her closer, and his arms welcomed her in as he cradled her head against his chest. ‘You came,’ he whispered again.
Around them the world continued to turn, the birds sang, the breeze rustled the trees at the churchyard’s edge, but for Grace there was just a quiet and peaceful, perfect calm. She was home.
They stood that way for a few minutes, Grace revelling in the warmth of his skin through his tee shirt, but then she pulled away and stood, looking at Amos, drinking him in; his hair, his dark eyes, his red boots. He looked the same, but different. Or perhaps it was just the way she was looking at him, or he her. They stood for a couple more moments until suddenly Amos laughed and it was just like the day they first met when he came into the village shop and she had rescued a bee from his shoulder. A bee that hadn’t wanted to be rescued at all. She now knew exactly how it felt.
‘How did you…?’ he began, but then he touched a hand to her arm. ‘Maria. Of course.’
Grace nodded. ‘How else would I know where you were?’
There was a pause while time seemed to stand still again as Amos’s eyes searched hers. His face softened. ‘And do you love her just as much as I reckoned you would?’
‘I do.’
She slipped her hand inside Amos’s and rested her head on his shoulder. ‘And although I’ve never met Beth, from what Maria said, I think that I’d have liked her very much too.’ She lifted her head. ‘Maria told me how close they were, so very different in looks but in all other respects two peas in a pod.’ Her eyes searched Amos’s, and he nodded, just slightly. ‘And she told me what happened, on the day that Beth died.’
Amos’s fingers wound tighter in hers. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply, head bowed.
She stared at him. ‘Whatever for?’
He didn’t answer but gazed out across the churchyard.
‘What, Amos? For leaving? For keeping your past a secret from me? Or for killing Beth?’
He flinched but held her look. The seconds ticked by and he still didn’t answer. He didn’t need to.
‘And how long are you going to continue being sorry for? Your whole life?’ She sighed and touched a hand to his face. ‘Let it go, Amos,’ she added. ‘You’ve suffered enough.’
‘I know…’ His voice was barely above a whisper. ‘But I don’t know how.’
‘By setting your guilt free, Amos…’
‘Grace, I—’
‘No, let me finish. I can’t begin to imagine what that time must have been like for you, or how you ever move on from something like that, but what I do know is that you’ve let your guilt be your prison. You couldn’t see a way to live without it, so you took it with you everywhere you went, like a snail sheltering inside his shell, praying that some blackbird wouldn’t crack it wide open.’
He gave a rueful smile. ‘I never pictured it quite like that,’ he said. ‘But you’re right, I know that.’
‘So then you also know that every once in a while it’s okay to put down your burden and take the weight off your shoulders. Or let someone else carry it for a while… someone who knows how precious it is and will care for it just as you do…’ She touched a hand to his cheek. ‘No one can wave a magic wand, Amos, and these feelings aren’t going to leave you overnight, but Maria is right, it’s time to forgive yourself. And, knowing how alike Beth and Maria were, I know that Beth wouldn’t have wanted you to live your life like this either, Amos, she’d have wanted you to live…’
Amos closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Grace brought his head to rest against her chest and they clung together, a shuddering sigh giving way to quaking sobs as Amos finally released the pain he’d had tethered inside him for so long.
When Grace could feel his breathing start to ease, she straightened slightly. There was a question she needed to ask, although she was rather afraid of what the answer might be.
‘Amos… I know that Paul recognised you from his time on the news desk and that he threatened to reveal what he knew, but why did you leave the farm? Was that the only reason, because you were scared?’
He was silent for quite some time before answering, lifting his head to look at her. ‘I was just listening to your heartbeat,’ he said, finally. ‘And I think I’m finally beginning to listen to mine… but that’s a scary place for me, Grace. I’ve travelled all over the country, some beautiful places, some run-down, desperate places, but I’ve never been anywhere as daunting as the place that’s inside of me. In fact, I’ve tried to deny it even exists, but since I came to Hope Corner Farm I find it’s been poking at me, inviting me to visit, and there’s only one reason for that, Grace. And it’s you.’ He looked around him, spotting a bench a little distance away and motioning towards it.
Grace waited until they were seated before continuing. ‘That didn’t quite answer my question,’ she said.
Amos hung his head. ‘No, I know… I was scared about what Paul would tell you. I was terrified actually. That’s why I left in such a hurry, something I promised I’d never do. But you’ve been let down enough and… well, I couldn’t bear the thought that you might think I’d let you down too. That everything you thought about me was a lie, and in a way it was.’
‘You never lied to me, Amos. In fact, everything about the way you’ve acted only points to the goodness of the man inside, not the other way around. But that wasn’t the only reason, was it?’
‘No,’ said Amos quietly. ‘I wanted to stay… I wanted to stay with you, but Grace, you’ve seen the way I live. I can’t remember the last time I slept in a bed and I’ve got used to that, the freedom, the open road and the possibilities that opens up. What started off as a means to assuage some of my guilt has also allowed me to discover who I really am, and I enjoy that way of life – not being tied to one place – the materiality of possessions but I—’
‘I’ve lost the house,’ said Grace, abruptly.
Amos’s head shot up, his eyes full of apology. ‘Oh my God, the weekend…’
‘Yes, it seems our friends from America were rather more perceptive than I gave them credit for. Amos, the weekend was never about putting the icing on the cake of the deal as everyone had assumed. It was really the other way around – to check if what they thought about Paul held water, or whether he would prove them wrong. Sadly, it didn’t turn out quite that way.’
‘And I was one of the reasons for that… I’m so sorry, Grace.’
‘No! Zac didn’t like the way Paul treated you, it’s true, but you didn’t make them change their mind, it was already made up. They were lovely about it, actually, I really liked them and I’m not sorry about their decision. It’s about time Paul was taken down a peg or two. He behaved appallingly and now he’s realised that maybe he can’t get away with it afte
r all.’
‘And you’re certain that’s the only outcome? Is there no way Paul would change his mind?’
A ladybird was crawling along the back of the bench and Grace watched it for a moment, feeling a little unsure of herself.
‘I don’t know for certain, because when Flora rang to tell me you’d gone, I’m afraid I rushed off…’ She broke off, blushing slightly. ‘I was so desperate to find you, I threw my apron at Paul and told him he could cook breakfast by himself. Believe me, it was worth it just to see the expression on his face… But that was the deal, Amos, you know that… I can’t see why Paul would change his mind now. It was his last threat as it happens, just before I left…’
Amos was quiet for a moment. ‘You know, Grace, your home is not four walls and a roof, it’s what you carry inside of you that makes it so. You have a peace and serenity, an inner state of being that fills any space you occupy. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with you…’
He looked up, smiling, the same depth of emotion shining from his eyes as she hoped was shining from hers.
‘But you make the mistake of thinking that way of being comes out of your home. It doesn’t, it never has. It has always come from you. You could make your home anywhere and the effect would be the same. You just need to realise that whatever is within you flows outward too.’
She opened her mouth to speak, leaning forward in her eagerness, but Amos held up his hand to stop her.
‘I didn’t finish just now, when you asked me why I left. It’s true, I was feeling that I would find it difficult to stay in one place all the time. Your way of life is very different from the way mine has been but, bizarrely, as soon as I left I realised I no longer felt that way. Perhaps it’s just that I’ve finally realised it’s time I stopped running, that I no longer need to, but I suddenly find myself, if not exactly longing for comfort and security, at least being able to appreciate its merits.’ He smirked. ‘I think I might be ready to settle down, Grace, is what I’m, very badly, trying to say.’
