by C. S. Janey
Nothing else was said as he withdrew his hand, then started driving once more. A few minutes passed in a more companionable silence before Bradley pulled into a driveway.
Instead of getting out as I imagined we would, Bradley took my hand in his and turned to face me in his seat, frowning. “There’s something you should know. Well, two things.”
I know better than to respond by now so I wait.
“First, I’m not an only child. I have a sister who is two years younger than me. She will probably be here.” He lifted a brow as if I should say something, so even though I was surprised I merely nodded and he continued. “Second, my last name isn’t the same as my parents. I took my mother’s maiden name as my own after…”
By this point, I failed to really be shocked by anything Bradley said. It was obvious that his life had been split into two parts: before marriage and after death. Before Rebecca and after Rebecca. He’d done everything to distance himself emotionally, physically and otherwise. Changing his last name? Really? Who does that?
A man who didn’t want to deal with his feelings, that’s who. And if his reaction to my coming here was any indication, he still doesn’t want to deal with his feelings.
But, too bad, because he was about to face them head on.
~*~
There are moments in life when you know something has changed.
You don’t see it coming. You don’t know it’s going to happen.
But when it does…wow — you can’t help but be amazed.
Perhaps Bradley’s mother and father didn’t want to believe he would show up until he actually did.
When he walked through the door and into the living room where they sat, the air seemed to have been sucked out of the room.
I stood in the doorway behind him as he set down his bag, then straightened and remained still, facing them.
Nobody moved for what seemed the longest time, even if were only a few seconds, but my eyes were on Bradley’s back.
And his eyes were on the people across the room — his mother, his father, and his sister, I guessed — who stared back at him as if they couldn’t believe their eyes.
I saw the defensiveness of Bradley’s stance, then slowly, he relaxed his shoulders when they continued not to speak. With a slight turn, he looked back at me and held out his hand to me.
I stepped forward and put my hand in his. He interlaced our fingers, pulled me close to his side as if he needed my support, and looked back at the still stunned group of faces across the room with a smile. “We’re not late for dinner, are we?”
Nobody answered.
Instead, his mother stood up, putting down whatever lay on her lap, and rushed over to us as fast as she could without running. I stepped aside a moment before her arms wrapped around his neck and she sobbed into his neck. I couldn’t see his face as he reciprocated her hug, but as I glanced at the crumbling faces of his father and sister as they tried to hold back their own tears, anger is what I felt.
And when I heard him whisper ‘I’m sorry’ — which only made her sob harder — the ire inside me grew.
I wondered what sort of man I married and how someone whose family loved them so much could just leave them hanging for twelve years.
Twelve fucking years with only phone calls being the way to connect.
And it pissed me off as I stood there watching him hug his mother who hurt as much as he did, knowing he’d made the pain of his wife and son’s deaths all about his own, seeming to have totally ignored the pain of his family.
I didn’t know if I had the right to feel as I did, but at least my feelings were honest.
Looking down at my hands, the affliction of tears that seemed to have taken over everyone else found its way to me, and I sniffled, swiping at my eyes.
“Lucy?” My head flew up at my name, my gaze connecting with his mother’s, who still had her arms wrapped around her son’s neck. “Thank you.”
I knew why she thanked me, but I also knew I didn’t deserve it.
“No need to thank me.” I moved my eyes from hers to his, lifting my chin as I glared at him. “After all, Bradley made it quite clear he never does anything he doesn’t truly want to do.”
His eyes widened at having his own words from prior to our wedding thrown back at him at the same time confusion became clear in his face. He didn’t understand why I was angry, but he would find out.
I just wouldn’t say anything in front of his parents.
“If you’ll excuse me?”
I turned and exited the room, not sure where I was heading, but needing to leave.
Chapter Eighteen
A good twenty minutes passed before Bradley came out onto the porch where I sat.
Taking a seat next to me on the swing, his hand stole over mine and closed his fingers around it, trying to make it impossible for me to get up and walk away.
I refused to look at him, continuing to gaze off into the distance.
After a few moments, he sighed. “I don’t know why you’re so angry.”
“Really?” That was enough to make me turn and glare at him. “Did you see their faces? Nobody should look at their living, breathing relative and appear as if they’ve seen a ghost. You should’ve visited them years ago.”
“It’s not that simple—“
“Yeah, Bradley, life is that simple. You’ve had twelve years to come here.” I yanked my hand out of his and stood up. “My heart didn’t break for you in there. It broke for them. You weren’t the only one in pain. You weren’t the only one who lost someone. Only they didn’t just lose their daughter-in-law and grandson, they lost their son at the same time.”
“Lucy, we’re not going to argue about this here.”
“Yes, we are.” I walked over to the railing and peered out, unable to even look at him. “Apparently, there is never a good time to discuss things with you, so now is as good a time as ever.”
He didn’t say anything for so long, I looked back thinking he had left, but he hadn’t. He sat there, staring off into the distance, reminding me of the day he proposed. I turned back around and spoke.
“I’m angry because I thought I was marrying one type of man, only to feel as if you’re really another in hiding.” When he didn’t say anything, I kept going. “I married you because I loved you. That was stupid. You were broken a long time ago, and you tried to use me to fill in that empty space, but it won’t work Bradley. You’ve never dealt with their deaths. You changed your last name! What the fuck did that accomplish by the way? You kept your distance, you won’t get rid of the house you lived in, you paid me to be your companion and had all these stupid rules. Did they really protect you?”
I laughed and shook my head, not even daring to look at him because I felt like I’d lose my resolve to tell him how I felt.
“You were angry at me the moment you found out I spoke to your mother, but you came here anyway. ‘I never do anything I don’t want to do’ — that’s what you told me when I questioned you about marrying me. You wanted to come here, so why didn’t you? Instead, you make me feel guilty for pushing you into it, but that’s what you wanted isn’t it? Someone to make you. How childish!”
“Lucy—“
“No!” I whirl around and leaned against the rail, tears streaming down my face as I finished what I had to say. “What do you see when you look at me Bradley? Do you see me, Lucy, or do you see someone who will never be the family you lost because you haven’t let them go?”
“What kind of question is that?” He stood up, and before I could move, trapped me against the railing with an arm on each side of my body. “I see you. I’ve always seen you. I’m not delusional, I just…I never dealt with my grief.”
“Finally. An honest answer—”
“I’ve never been dishonest with you.” His words cut through mine, rough and harsh. “I didn’t tell you about my son before we got married, and I’m sorry, but I blamed myself for his death and…and hers. I continue to blame myself.
I punished myself and I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I still do it. I should’ve seen how much pain my wife was in—“ His eyes watered as he removed his gaze from mine, staring off once more into the distance, his jaw tight. “My parents always knew it wasn’t them I punished, but myself. They wanted to come see me many times, but I always used work as an excuse. I wanted to forget they died so I focused on work, and it became my whole fucking world because doing my job became the one thing I could control.”
He didn’t look back at me, and even though our bodies touched, I never felt as far away from him as I did in that moment. But I could see how such a thing would affect a man like Bradley, who needed to have control and yet, end up having none. End up losing two people he loved more than anything else while he was away from home, trying to figure out a way to ease his wife’s burden.
“Ten years, Bradley,” I whispered, and he turned his face back to mine. “Then all the sudden you decide…what? You’ll just pay someone to keep you company? Why then? Why me?”
“Loneliness.” He leaned into me, lifting a hand up to cup my cheek, frowning. “I work and slept. The years passed by fast, and on the day of what would’ve been my sons thirteenth birthday, I realized how empty my life was. I signed up for the site because I didn’t know how much I could handle, but thought even the company of a woman who needed a little help financially might ease my pain.” He smirked, although it was more sad than amused. “I avoided women, not including Amanda, completely. I laughed when you told me what those women said at the charity because I’d heard the rumors for years. My nickname at work is ‘Ice King’ — I’m not kidding.”
“You could’ve explained…”
He shook his head, mouth twisting as he shoved his other hand through his hair. “No, I couldn’t. What would I say? ‘I’m sorry, but my wife killed our son, then killed herself, and took my heart with her’? Or tell them how I stopped feeling human, and only continued with my life because I wanted to save others like I couldn’t save them?”
My heart squeezed at that. It all made sense now, but he was mistaken about one thing. “She didn’t take your heart with her, Bradley. It might’ve broken and froze in it’s million pieces, but it’s still there. I know; I’ve seen glimpses of it.” Touching him still wasn’t an option. I didn’t know where we would go from here, but I knew one thing needed to happen. “You need therapy. You need to talk to someone, Bradley. You have to let go and stop blaming yourself.”
“Talking won’t help. I went after it happened, made it through my fellowship, and went a bit more when I moved for my job.” He pulled me into a hug, and knowing he needed the comfort, I didn’t stop him. “I know I need to go into the house, I need to get rid of it. I need to go to their graves and…I don’t know. I don’t know the answers.” He sighed, running a hand down my hair, and kissed my neck. “As for when I met you, I never knew it would go this far. I just wanted some company; I wanted to connect with someone I didn’t have to work with or see on a daily basis, and who didn’t know what happened.”
“You had to know this would happen when you asked me to marry you. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”
“Honestly, I didn’t think about it.” He draws his head back until our faces are inches apart, our lips nearly meeting. “I wanted more and knew the only way that would happen is to marry you.”
Tears pricked my eyes as I asked the question I needed an answer to the most. “Out of everyone you could’ve picked, why choose me? You wanted to help someone, you said that, while you helped yourself. Did you just feel sorry for me or what?”
“God, no.” Pressing a soft kiss against my lips, he held himself there for a moment before pulling back. “Your profile caught my eye. I hadn’t contacted anyone before writing you, even though lots of women wrote me trying to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear. Then, I saw the picture of you, read your profile, and knew you were perfect. Your answers were so open and honest.” He chuckled, eyes crinkling at the corners as he stared into mine. “I read so many profiles, but that’s how I knew you weren’t a pro. I wanted real, and real is exactly what you’ve always been.”
“You hurt me,” I said softly as a tear slid down my cheek at his words. “This is the first time you’ve been this close to me in a week. You’ve been distant, doing to me what you’ve done to your family all these years, only you couldn’t ignore me. I wasn’t going away.”
“And I don’t want you to go away.” Sliding his hand up from my cheek into my hair, he clutched some with his fingers, tugging my head back to bare my neck as he spoke between gentle kisses. “I’m sorry. I was angry at myself, not you.” His free hand slipped down to my leg, then up and under the skirt of my sundress. “I’ve missed touching you. Please forgive my stupidity.”
His hand slipped between my legs as our mouths met with a mutual moan in the surrounding darkness. Apologizing with his mouth, teasing with his hand, and little by little, easing the ache in more ways than one. I wanted to stay angry, but I couldn’t. His pain went deeper than I could imagine, and for better or worse, helping him deal with his grief was part of my duty as his wife too.
I giggled into his mouth as my stomach grumbled and placed my hands on his chest, pulling my mouth away from his. “I’m hungry.”
Perfect timing since someone cleared their throat from over near the door.
Bradley kept his body close to mine and I dropped my hands as he inquired, “Yes?”
“Dinner’s waiting.”
It was his sister, and she didn’t wait for us to respond before going back into the house, the screen door banging into the frame.
I let out a whistle, and in an effort to bring a little levity to the situation, joked, “Looks like you got some ‘splainin to do.”
He busted out laughing at my reference to I Love Lucy, kissing me a final time before taking my hand in his and leading us inside more united than when we first arrived.
Chapter Nineteen
There was something awkward about sitting at the table of the family your husband hadn’t seen in twelve years.
His sister — I learned her name was Monica — remained rather quiet while his mother and father made small talk.
Monica favored her mother with her brown hair and blue eyes while Bradley favored his father. Looking at him gave me a glimpse at the future and what Bradley would look like as he aged. While I hesitated to consider his father good looking, Bradley was quite handsome and took care of himself, leaving me with no doubt he’d age well. I learned his sister was divorced with one child, and that his family’s last name was Pickard.
Blackwell definitely suited Bradley better, I decided, but I still wasn’t ready to forgive him his deception.
However, in front of his family, I would play nice. I pretended I’d been overcome with emotion at their reunion — which in truth I had — but they didn’t know it was in anger. Bradley’s private business was still private, no matter how much anger I felt for him at the moment.
“So, tell us how you two met,” his mother requested, beaming even as she arched a brow at Bradley. “And about your wedding.”
I nearly choked on the food in my mouth at the unexpected question, which prompted my chuckling husband to slap me on the back, then hand me the glass of water. His sister gasped, his parents looking horrified at his reaction, and I coughed to clear my throat. He kept his arm around me, hugging me to his side as he said with a straight face, “We met online.”
You would think you told them the world ended.
“You did not!” His mother’s exclamation had me laughing through the cough, which only made me cough harder, and made Bradley start laughing once more. “Dear god, is she going to be all right? What’s so funny?”
After a few more coughs, a drink, and a few gulps of air, I give his family a watery smile. “I’m fine. I didn’t expect your question, which was silly of me. He’s not kidding; we met online.”
“Interesting.” Monica chimed in then.
“What do you do for work, Lucy? Something that keeps you busy while my brother never takes a breather, I hope?”
I got the feeling she didn’t approve of me. I don’t know what it was; perhaps the way her question was worded, or her aloof manner since we arrived. I opened my mouth to tell her that I actually hadn’t even graduated high school when Bradley stepped in.
“Lucy works for me. That’s the whole reason we met.”
I liked how he protected me right then, and our relationship, but didn’t like him stepping in to answer the question for me. I knew he would hardly want his family to know he’d married a woman he paid for companionship, but while I knew his parents were pleased he moved on, his sister just seemed pissed off. She reminded me of the women at that charity party, who put me down without even knowing me, based on their preconceived notions about our relationship.
“I never thought of you as one to mix business and pleasure, Brad. Actually, didn’t you always say it was bad form?”
With that comment from his sister, I couldn’t help it. I laughed out loud. A moment later, Bradley joined in, and his sister’s mouth fell into a grim line.
Picking up my drink, I lifted the glass and nodded at her, then took a sip before commenting, “I think the only one with bad form here is you.” Sitting the glass in front of me on the edge of the table, I twirled it between my hands as I refrained from glaring at her. “Since I’m sure you’ll try and Google your little heart out to find info on me, I’ll tell you right now I didn’t even graduate high school. I became a single parent at the age of seventeen and worked my ass off to provide for my daughter, eventually taking on the care of my mother as well. I may be fifteen years younger than your brother and not nearly as educated, but I’d never lack class enough to dare question my brother’s judgment when it comes to who he chose as his wife.”
The look of utter shock on her face told me I nailed it dead on: she thought me a gold-digger. I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for her, or for Bradley and his sister’s obvious lack of trust in his decision making skills.
