by C. S. Janey
It wasn’t until we reached their graves, sharing one headstone, that I noticed the picture frame in his hands.
He sat on the ground, placing the frame in the middle of two other objects: some flowers and a small teddy bear.
It was hard to hold back the tears when I realized he must’ve put both on the grave the day before, but I did. I read the words silently in my mind, kneeling beside him as he traced the lettering on the headstone.
Rebecca Marie and Lucas William Pickard. Beloved mother and son, gone from this life too soon, loved for eternity by many.
When Bradley finally spoke, he directed his words at me. “I never expected to come here. Nor to sit here like this, holding your hand, not consumed with hurt or anger as I have been for so long.”
“Too long.” I pointed at the picture frame. “It will always hurt, Bradley. Sometimes, when I think about Annalina’s father, I still hurt and I know I didn’t feel anything for him like you did for your family. But just because it hurts doesn’t mean you let it consume you and prevent yourself from living your life. Rebecca wouldn’t want that, nor would your son.”
He picked up the photo and tugged on my hand as he stood up. “You’re right, they wouldn’t. Although I’m not sure the ache will ever go away, at least it feels more bearable now.”
I rose, then placed my hands on his chest over his heart, and smiled up at him. “It’ll get easier, and if you want to talk about them at any time, I’ll listen.”
He covered my hand with his, and with one more glance at their headstone, lifted my fingers to his mouth and kissed them. “Thank you. I’d like that.”
Moments later, we headed to the airport.
And when we arrived home, Bradley placed the picture of his family on the mantel of the fireplace, a tangible reminder of his past now visible to those closest to him.
One step at a time.
~*~
Annalina walked into the kitchen the next morning, sitting down at the table with a yawn.
“Morning, sleepyhead.” I squeezed her shoulder as I walked past and opened the refrigerator. “Did you two get in really late? I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Mmhmm.”
Pulling out some things to make for breakfast, I laughed at seeing her resting her head on the table as I closed the door. Turning on the coffee pot, she continued to watch me as I prepped the food.
“Did you two have fun? How’s your uncles and their families? Was it weird without me?”
“Too many questions,” she muttered, making me smile even as she sighed and sat up straight. “Everybody got together at Cody’s house. It was loud, all those kids, but there was nowhere to hide! And yah, it was weird not having you there mom.”
Splitting the eggs up on two plates, I buttered the toast and teased, “I’m really going to miss you if you become one of those teenagers who doesn’t want to be around their mom, y’know.” I caught her eye-roll out of the corner of mine and laughed, carrying the plate over to her along with a glass of orange juice, then got mine and sat across from her. “Honey, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open as she stared at me. “Is it what I think it is?”
It only took me two-seconds to realize what she thought I was about to say and I shook my head. “No, no, not that!”
“Oh.” Her eyes dropped to her plate. “What is it then?”
“You look awfully disappointed.” I covered her hand with my own. “We can talk about that later. What I really want to tell you is that I met Bradley’s parents, and his sister.”
“Will I get to meet them?”
“Yes, they are coming here at Christmas.” I took a bite and contemplated how to tell her the rest without giving too much detail, then just decided to go for it. “Listen honey, you’ll notice there’s a new picture on the mantel. Bradley…” I bit my lip, watching her face closely, “Well, he was married before a long time ago, and had a son. Both his wife and son passed away about thirteen years ago.”
Her fork clattered to the plate as she gasped. “That’s awful!”
“It is. But I wanted to tell you before you saw it. It’s…difficult for him to talk about it, and I didn’t want you to see the picture and wonder what the hell it was.”
“Okay.” She paused for a second, then slid her hand out from under mine and covered it. “Hey mom, I actually wanted to ask you something…” Her voice trailed off before she squared her shoulders. “Well, ask you first before I asked Bradley.”
“You know you can ask me anything.”
“Okay, well, um…” She cleared her throat and looked down at her lap, then back at me, speaking in a rushed manner. “Do you um…well, do you think Bradley would be willing to come to my school for a…um…father-daughter day?” Her voice squeaked near the end.
It’s hard to explain the emotions that surged through me at her question and I didn’t even get to process them all before he spoke from the doorway.
“I’d love to.” Strolling in and pouring himself a cup of coffee, he sat in a chair on the side of the table that placed him between Annalina and me. “Why does it seem like I always find you two talking about me when I enter the kitchen?”
“You have impeccable timing?”
“Something like that.” He grinned at me and winked before turning his focus on Annalina. “When’s father-daughter day?”
“Next Friday!” Jumping up from the table, she threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you!”
I saw Bradley stiffen at the unexpected contact, then immediately relax his body and awkwardly pat her shoulder as he tossed me an amused look. She didn’t seem to notice though, pulling away and with a final thank you, said, “I have to go tell Emily!”
She ran from the kitchen, leaving us alone.
Bradley continued to drink his coffee and picked up the newspaper to read it. I stared at him until he looked over at me, raising a brow as he asked,“What?”
“I told her I had something to talk to her about and she asked if it ‘was what she thought it was.’ When I told her no, she seemed disappointed.”
He looked at me for a moment, confused, before he realized what she thought I’d meant, and put down the paper slowly. “Are you pregnant? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
“No. I’m not.”
Taking another sip of coffee, he placed the mug down on the table and covered my hand with his. “So, what’s the problem?”
He seemed calm, his eyes were steady on me, and he looked very interested in my answer. I contemplated what I wanted to convey in the simplest way possible. Not because I thought him stupid, but because I knew this was a very delicate issue, especially after all I’d learned recently. Problem was, there was only one way to say what I wanted to say…so I said it.
“I’d like to be.” He quirked a brow, and I clarified, “Pregnant, that is. I’d like a baby…with you.”
It was weird. We sat there staring at each other, his hand covering mine, and I felt as if we were mulling it over together even though we weren’t. After all, I stated what I wanted, and he was the one who had to say yes or no. I’d already thought it through. I knew his fears, as well as my own, and even though I wanted to fill the silence with assurances that all would be fine, I didn’t.
When his mouth finally moved, he smiled and said, “Okay.”
His answer was so reminiscent of my response to his marriage proposal that I laughed, then asked, “Are you sure?”
“No.” He took a shuddering breath, kissing my hand before releasing it, and picked up his coffee once more. “I’m terrified. But there’s only one way past it.”
“I’ll tell you.” I waited until he met my eyes before I spoke again. “If anything is wrong, or I feel bad, or if I feel like you need to know something, I’ll tell you.” This time, I covered his hand and smiled. “I was fine with Annalina, and I’ll be fine again. But hey, it might not even happen.”
“Sure
. It’s also possible you’ll get pregnant with triplets.” Amusement laced his voice as he tugged on my hand. “Come here.”
“Oh, don’t be silly,” I whispered, standing up to move toward him, then perching on his lap, and wrapped my arms around his neck. “If you’re going to go for it, might as well aim high. How about quadruplets? Or sextuplets?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he captured my face between his hands and placed his mouth upon mine, tracing my lips with his tongue until I opened up and let him in. He kept his hands cupping my cheeks, our mouths melding as we did nothing but kiss until we were both breathless — then kissed some more. I slid my hands up into his hair, and felt simple glee when he didn’t flinch or try to remove my hands, but instead just let it happen. Let me touch him for the pure joy of it.
And because of everything that happened recently, I needed to ask one more time. Just to be sure.
I pulled my lips away from his enough to whisper, “I have to make certain. I want you to be positive, and ready for it, and—“
“Shh.” He moved a thumb to cover my lips, caressing them as he said, “I’m forty-five, and you’re thirty. We’re not exactly young, especially when it comes to having children, in terms of peak fertility. I’m positive this is what I want, and I’m glad you asked me. Am I ready for it? I don’t know, but is parenting ever something you’re really ready for?”
I nipped at his thumb and he slid it back to my cheek. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Yes, I know.” Pressing a soft kiss to my lips, he pulled back and gazed at me. “I know as a man I’m supposed to be tough and not admit things like this, but it does terrify me. When it’s me and me alone, I can control almost everything involving my life. But like you said — and I’ve acknowledged — that’s not living; that’s just surviving. If I say no, if I live in fear of us having a child and…” he swallowed, voice wavering for a moment, “And in fear of losing one or both of you, then I know I’ll be missing out on something amazing. Because you’re a great mother to Annalina and I know you’ll be a great mother to our child, too.”
“Children. Quadruplets, remember?” I joked, hoping to ease his mind a bit, but he merely smiled at me with a serious look on his face. “And thank you. You’ll be great, too.”
“Having children means you’re stuck with me. Are you sure?” He smirks, his eyes and words filled with humor.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m all yours.” I relaxed in his arms, beaming as the tension in his body went away as well. “So, it’s official then? I’ll stop taking my pills?”
With a nod, he kissed me again, but we didn’t get too into it since not even a minute later, my mother walked into the kitchen and muttered, “Get a room, you two.”
So, with a laugh, we left the kitchen and quietly did exactly as she suggested.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The weeks flew by faster than I’d ever experienced before and soon, Christmas Eve had arrived.
I woke up early to begin preparations for the next day.
Both our families would be showing up for dinner on Christmas Day, so we’d decided to have our gift giving a day earlier.
I wasn’t feeling too well, however.
When Bradley and I decided I’d stop taking my pills, it had been a long time since I had PMS symptoms. And boy, had I forgotten how much I hated them.
I had definitely woken up grumpy this morning and I didn’t see my mood improving, especially alongside the cramps I currently experienced. However, I tried really hard not to take my bad mood out on him or my mom and daughter; I really should’ve received an award for my efforts because none of them seemed to notice anything off about me all day.
Annalina practically jumped up and down in her seat at dinner in excitement, patience gone as she waited to open presents. My mother seemed to watch her reaction with amusement, as this would only be the second year in a row where she received more than the bare minimum for Christmas. Of course, we would balance out of personal gift giving by helping out at local shelter the day after Christmas, which was a tradition we did every year.
Even Bradley would be helping out, having taken the day off at my request to join in, and making me exceedingly happy in the process.
He sat next to me at the table, watching my daughter and mother discuss what they could’ve possibly gotten for gifts, and held my hand underneath the table. Our fingers entwined, he seemed to pay more attention to me than the rest of the food on his plate.
“I think you will enjoy my gift,” he said in a low voice, leaning in to speak close to my ear. “You’ll never guess what it is.”
“Probably not. You already spoil me enough.”
“As you should be.” He lifted our hands and kissed the back of mine. “After all, you may very well be the mother of my child here soon. Your comfort is my number one priority.”
“Shh. I don’t want them to hear anything about babies until it happens,” I admonished, blushing all the while. “No need to spoil me until then.”
“I like to begin as I intend to continue. I’ll spoil you and you’ll like it.”
“Is that a command?”
“Yes.”
A smile stole over my face before I could stop it, and I squeezed his hand. “So, what did you get me then?”
“Why don’t you go get dessert so we can finish the meal, then we’ll begin the gift giving?”
“All right.” I released his hand and stood up, which made Annalina and my mother gaze at me with expectant looks. “Just going to get dessert. I’ll be right back.”
Once in the kitchen, I opened the freezer and pulled out the ice cream cake — my favorite kind of cake because it always held two things I loved in one — and placed it on the counter.
I crouched down, intending to look for a platter to place the cake on, and opened up the cupboard. Even though the kitchen was well lit, I stuck my head in just a little as I looked for a specific item, as laughter reached me from the other room.
“Mom?”
The unexpected voice of my daughter had me misjudging the distance to safely lift my head, and I smacked the back of my head against the frame hard. I swear I heard something crack.
“Shit!” I lifted my hand to cover the area and rose to my feet, only to grab the counter as a wave of dizziness hit me. “Um…”
I looked over at my daughter as the world wavered in front of me, my eyes watering, and saw her open her mouth and say something, yet heard nothing.
The last thing I remember is falling, the floor rising up to meet me.
~*~
It’s interesting when you know something has happened, but you’re inside your head, unable to respond to the things you hear around you.
You only manage to get bits and pieces, then you try to fit those parts into what happened, and what is going on right in that moment.
I used to watch enough t.v. to know that the one thing they tell you to do with coma patients is talk to them. I didn’t know if I was in a coma, but I couldn’t manage to lift my eyes.
Yet I felt someone holding my hand. I heard a mumble of voices around me, going in and out, yet unable to make out what they were saying.
My head throbbed but otherwise, I felt no pain.
I had to wake up. People were waiting for me, and I was going to be late to dinner. I didn’t even get to eat my cake.
The voices murmured again, and someone squeezed my hand, kissed my cheek.
I didn’t know if I was awake or not, but I was so tired, I drifted off.
~*~
Small brain bleed according to the CT.
Brain bleed?
I tried to open my eyes at the word, but they still wouldn’t cooperate.
Swelling seems to be lessening on its own. We’ll wait before deciding if surgery is needed or not.
Surgery?
Why can’t I speak?
Where’s Bradley? Annalina?
Could be a week or two, but we’ll keep a close eye on it. As
long as there is improvement, no need to worry.
How can that be true? They aren’t the one laying here unable to move or say anything or lift their eyelids.
…Coma…everything looks fine…otherwise…no…
Ugh, my head pounded again, words became jumbled, and I needed to sleep once more.
~*~
Come on Lucille, wake up. I demand it.
Bradley!
I tried to get my hand to move, but it wouldn’t cooperate.
It’s been nearly two weeks. You’re in a coma. I need you to wake up. So wake up.
Two weeks? I missed Christmas and New Years?
I wanted to cry, but even that is something I can’t do in here.
I begged my hand to move to show him I’m listening, because I know he’s holding it, but nothing happened.
I can’t work with you laying here. Your daughter and mother are worried. I’m not even sure you can hear me.
I could, I wished I could say I did.
The swelling has gone down. You had a small brain bleed. Who knew my cupboards could do that much damage? I thought your head was harder than that.
I hope he knew I’d smile at that if I could.
Mom, I love you. We all love you. You missed your present. It was a big one.
The tears in her voice tortured me as I felt her hand on mine next.
I wanted to ask you if we could really be a family, if Bradley could adopt me. He said he would but I had to ask you, ‘cuz you're my mom and it’s up to you.
God, my love for that man grew tenfold. It knew no bounds.
I really want to hug my daughter right now, tell her it’s absolutely okay with me.
I tried to move my hand…and succeeded with a few fingers.
Did you see that?! Her hand moved a little! Mom, do it again.
I did, but I must’ve fallen asleep because I don’t remember anything else.
~*~
It was rather dark in the room when I finally got my eyes to obey and open. Probably a good thing — I didn’t think I could handle any bright lights anyway.
It surprised me to discover nobody else in the room with me.
Surrounded by beeping, I moved my head a little to look around, lifting my hands to look at the IV’s, then up to my nose where I found what I figured to be a thin feeding tube.
