by Shelly Crane
“Why don’t you want to tell the other me this?”
“Because, she hates my family. And I…don’t want her to be right about them.”
I cupped his face and lifted it. He was so vulnerable. I hated that I wasn’t able to be the person he needed when I was awake. But I had to have a reason. “I’m…” I licked my lips and tried to think of something, “sorry that I’m not what you need when we’re outside of this place. I wish I was. I don’t…know what else to do. I feel like I’m failing you.”
I felt like crying.
“No,” he shook his head, “no, little bird.” He wrapped his arms around me and drew me close. “She has her reasons for doubting me. Don’t be harsh with her for that. Things happened. I have her and I have you. For now, that’s all I need. The yin and the yang. You’re going to help me.” He leaned back and smiled. “You’re going to help me make her see that her life isn’t the disaster she thinks. That it’s right on track. That I’m what she was meant to find. Right?”
I nodded vehemently, feeling that urge to cry bubble up again. “Yeah. Seth?”
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
My heart beat hard. He felt it, pressing his hand over his chest and letting out a groaning breath. “Thank you.”
“What for?”
“For not giving up on me.”
His smile was one of pure happiness. “Return the favor? Don’t give up on me, Ava.”
Eight
My alarm clock woke me early. I had classes today, which I didn’t want to go to. I lay in bed, looking at the ceiling and tried not to groan at the ache in my body and my heart. He hadn’t come last night. He’d chosen his family over me and I know that he must have thought it was really important. I get that. They must have made it seem really important for him not to come. But still…he chose.
And he chose wrong.
I felt the first tear crawl across my cheek and reached up to wipe it away. I shook my head, feeling the tug and pull in my back and arms as my body protested. I refused to sit here and feel sorry for myself. This was my life now. I may as well get over it, right?
If the universe wanted me to be the Juliet to his Romeo, then fine. I’d take his touch when I could and live my life the rest of the time. We needed to figure out what his family was up to because they were definitely up to something. The summit was coming in a week and a half. I’d bet my right hand they were planning something.
I rolled out of bed and wasn’t able to stop the groan this time. It wasn’t better the second day. Not even close. It was worse, in fact. Way worse. Probably because I hadn’t seen him since yesterday afternoon. I scoffed as I moved about the room, slamming drawers as I dressed as quickly as I could. If he wasn’t here like he promised me, I’d drive to his house and...
He was here. I just knew it. I could feel him.
That made me move even quicker, moving through my routine in the sloppiest and most uncoordinated I’d ever done it, but the job was done. But then I rethought some things when I looked in the mirror, seeing my handy work. Why would he even want to come back when this was the picture I was giving him?
But then I gritted my teeth and shook my head. That was such bull and I scolded myself for even thinking it. He doesn’t get to jerk me around and then dictate how I dress myself on top of that! No, no, no.
With my hair piled in my messy bun, the way I was definitely leaving it, but never wore it to school, my jeans, Chucks, and a tight-fitting green long-sleeve thin thermal shirt, a little make up, and a lot of anxiety sitting in my belly, I made my way as fast as I could out into the living room to grab my school bag.
“Whoa,” I heard. I turned to find my family sitting at the breakfast table and Rodney on the verge of laughter. “Someone’s high strung.”
“Leave her alone, Rod,” Dad ordered and look at me, his eyes softening. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” No one believed me, not even me. My voice shook.
“He’s in the driveway,” Mom said and smiled. “He’s been there since four in the morning, just sitting in his truck.” She lifted her eyebrows.
“I told you he’d come,” Dad told me and tilted his head.
“He’s a little late,” I muttered and scuffed my shoe.
“Hear him out,” Mom said. “In the meantime, I want you to be careful. Don’t go anywhere without your phone. If he’s not going to drive you to school, then I want Rodney to. Or text Drake or Jordan—”
“Mom—”
“Do you not remember what happened here the other night?” she said harder. “Good,” she spouted, not waiting for me to answer. “Then I don’t want to have to worry about you. He may not know it, but the Watsons are planning something. I know it. They aren’t going to just give up because he said so.” That’s what I had said, too. “We need to be extra careful. If you want to bring him in, I’ll explain that to him.”
“No. It’s fine,” I said quickly.
“I thought so.” She smiled. I rubbed my neck, my breath puffed from my lips painfully. “What are you doing, Ava?”
“Stalling,” I whispered and turned to look out the window at his truck. Just seeing him out there made my ache even worse, knowing he was in withdrawals, too. I groaned a little.
“I know. But why?”
“Because I’m afraid he’ll disappoint me. I’m afraid that he’s not what I think he is. Most of all, I’m afraid he’s exactly what I think he is.”
I felt her hands on the tops of my arms. “You’ve waited for this your whole life, Ava. And now that it’s here, you can’t run from it just because it’s not exactly what you expected. Life never is. If you run from a challenge, then you’ll always be running. Look at Seth. From the first day, he has faced this. He came here, to this house full of strangers, who he knew were going to probably hate him—and he did that for you. He’s out there now for you. Don’t give up on him, Ava.”
I gasped a little, the breath getting caught in my throat.
Don’t give up on me, Ava…
I waited a few beats to catch my breath.
“Thanks, Mom.”
I hoisted my bag up and left without another word or a look back. I heard Rodney call out over his cereal. “Is that really what you’re wearing?”
“Bye, Rod!” I yelled with a laugh.
I barely made it two steps out my front door when he was opening his door and stepping out of his big Dodge truck. He didn’t look so good either. I mean…he looked amazing. If men were edible, he would be breakfast. He was scruffy and I determined right then that I liked scruff. He hadn’t shaved last night, obviously if he slept in his truck…for me…and his jeans and fire station ‘22’ t-shirt looked a little unkempt, but he looked so good that way. But he also looked as if a regular person, like Rodney, would call him on it for looking a little rough.
His eyes went up and down me a couple times. “Wow, you look…” Okay, maybe Rodney was right… “Really good. Even in the mornings, when this withdrawal thing really sucks.”
Oh. He was just being nice.
“I’m not just being nice.”
“Will you stop?” I whispered. “It’s too early for you to…be in my head.”
“I’m not,” he promised and smiled. “It’s all over your face.” He smiled wider. “I brought breakfast. Somehow I knew you wouldn’t eat.”
I hadn’t noticed the coffee and bag in his hands. We may as well go ahead and get this over with. It was going to be awkward no matter what, right? He knew I was angry. I knew he was sorry, but there was nothing he could say to make it better. He chose when I asked him to choose me. So I may as well take the breakfast, take his touch, and then go to school. We could hash this out later.
I reached forward, feeling the painful tug in my back when I did it. I groaned a little and saw his face watch my every move as I let my palm slide against his neck. The second his skin hit mine, it was like a wave of calm settled over me, a shocking ease and fog that crawled through my veins. I felt his sigh in
my hair as his arms reached around me. The bag crumpled in his grasp.
“I’m so sorry about last night. I know I hurt you and I wish that there was a way that it could have been different. It seems it’s destined to be hard for us.”
“Why does it have to be?” My arms were trapped between us and I gripped his neck in my hand, but I surprisingly didn’t mind as much. My anger was there, but it had tamed some. It was corralled now, understandably. My pain made my anger and frustration worse. Now that it was gone, I could focus on how I actually felt. Right this second? I just wanted to be near him. I just wanted to stay like this. “Why can’t we just keep our promises?”
He leaned back and licked his lip. “My mom—the woman who raised me—had a heart attack last night.”
My heart jumped painfully for him. “But…why didn’t you just tell me that? I would have—”
“You would have tried to come,” he confirmed.
I realized he was right. There was no way I could have laid there all night, knowing he was hurting like that and not gone to comfort him. My significant body wouldn’t have let me. I let my eyes fall to his neck, but his used his finger under my chin of the hand holding the coffee to bring it back up.
“And I would have loved you for it.” I gasped a little. “But I was with her at the hospital and you would have been waiting for me sometimes. A lot probably. And…as much as it pains me to admit it, I…don’t think you should be around my family alone. Not like that. Not yet. I’m sorry. I know you thought I was just blowing you off, or picking them over you, but.” He left it at that.
“I did think that,” I admitted and felt guilty. Even Mom said I should have faith in him, have more faith in the process that finding my significant is what I was meant to do. Why would I wait an entire lifetime for him and then throw him away the second I find him? I wouldn’t. “I’m sorry. You told me not to give up on you and I won’t. Let’s just…” I pushed him back a little and laughed a little awkwardly, “take things as they come, okay?”
He let a powerful breath go and smiled that smile that knocked the breath from me. “That’s the best thing I think I’ve ever heard you say.”
I laughed and squinted. “Um, okay.”
He shook his head, getting that I didn’t understand. “That you’re not giving up on me.”
I nodded, biting my lip shyly, just as his phone dinged with a message. I said he could get it and he opened it smiling, but the smile quickly drained away.
I had so much fun last night, S. I’ve missed you. Don’t worry about anything. Everything’s going to be okay. Love you. – Harp
“Fun? Last night?”
Had I said that out loud?
He exhaled harshly. “You don’t want to get inside my head, but you’ll read every text message that comes through, no problem,” he said angrily.
I looked up at him, clearly shocked. What a one-eighty…
His face fell and he closed his eyes for a few seconds. “I’m angry because it looks like I was lying, but I wasn’t. It always looks like I’m lying or have something to hide with you and it’s…” he gritted his teeth, “driving me crazy!” He put the breakfast down on the bench by my mom’s flowerbed and paced. “I don’t know what the hell is going on,” he barked. “It feels like I’m being sabotaged.”
“Maybe you are,” I said under my breath.
He turned, though I don’t know how he heard me. “What?”
I changed directions. “What did she mean? What fun did you have?”
“The family all went over to my mom’s house. We…played video games and stuff, as a family.”
The Watsons play games?
“Is that something you always do?”
“No. Never. I think they were trying to say they were sorry for what they did, trying to smooth things over. Everybody was there. Everybody was being really awesome.”
I couldn’t help it…couldn’t stop it. “And Harper?”
“Yeah. She was there, too. She’s my family, Ava. Anyway, then my mom just started having chest pains, right at the time I was supposed to leave to come see you.” He grimaced.
“At the time you were supposed to leave...”
“They can’t make someone have a heart attack, Ave.” I jolted. He tilted his head and smiled a little. “What? You don’t like it?”
He gives me a nickname while we’re in the middle of talking about Harper? Harp?
He deflated so fast.
“I’m going to be late for school,” I said softly.
“Can I take you?” he asked hopefully, but the look on his face held no real confidence.
“Yeah.” His eyebrows rose to his hairline. “My parents don’t want me to be alone right now.”
“Ah. My family,” he realized. “So it was either me or Rodney, right?”
“Pretty much.”
He grabbed the breakfast off the bench and started for the truck. “Well, even though you’re pissed at me, I’ll take being the lesser of two evils to be able to drive you.”
He wasn’t smiling when he said it. He wasn’t angry either. I didn’t know what he was.
I didn’t know what we were.
I climbed into the truck, not easily I might add, and shut the door. He turned on the heat and radio immediately and I realized he had a serious thing for music. As Vega 4’s Life Is Beautiful started to play through the truck cab, I felt a hard hit in my chest as I listened to the lyrics.
Life is beautiful, but it’s complicated.
Would he eventually not want to keep fighting for me? Would I eventually just not be worth the effort anymore?
“No.”
I looked over sharply, not realizing how hard I was breathing. “What?” I barely whispered.
“No.” He stared stoically. “That will never happen.” He put the truck in reverse, putting his hand on the headrest behind my head, and backed up from my driveway. “Eat your breakfast, Ava,” he told me softly and smiled a little as he pulled onto the highway.
I caved, if for no other reason to give me something to do, taking the cup from the cup holder. I noticed he had one in his also. I took a big gulp, knowing it wasn’t still hot after all that time wasting in my driveway.
Hazelnut.
I looked over at him and noticed the little smile he was wearing. So he remembered how I took my coffee.
Okay.
I opened the bag and was hit with a waft of blueberries. I may have groaned a little out loud. I didn’t look over to see if his smile grew or not. I reached inside to find a wrapped blueberry bagel with…blueberry cream cheese. I whipped my gaze over to find his smile still small and knowing. “I thought you said you weren’t going to dig around in my head?” I accused softly.
“I didn’t.”
“Then how—”
“You look like a blueberries kind of girl,” he said innocently. “Seems I got lucky.”
I continued to stare at him. I would have known if he’d been in my head. I would have felt him. Unless he snuck over while I was sleeping and if that was the case, why not just take my touch, too, to keep from being in withdrawal? No, it wasn’t that. That was just too ridiculous. He really guessed my favorite bagel?
“We’re supposed to be able to figure each other out, right?” His eyes swung over, hitting their mark, right on point and staying there a few seconds, before going back to the road. “Isn’t that what we should be doing?”
I nibbled the blueberries, not answering him. “How’s your mom? I meant to ask before, but you kind of blindsided me. Sorry.”
“She’s okay now. It was a minor heart attack. Kind of freaky, really. She’s never had any problems before and now she seems to be doing just fine. They’re releasing her today.”
“Are you and your mom close?”
“Um…” He rubbed his neck. It pulled his arms in his leather jacket so the right way, but I couldn’t even enjoy that because I heard it. The tone. The one I was learning faster than I had picked up angles and l
ines—something I loved from the moment we did it in class, and I knew then that I’d work with Grandpa and not Daddy that day. I knew I’d be an architect and I knew that Dad would be okay with that. “I mean, not really, but we’re not not close, you know? Her and my dad are just not really the touchy feely type.”
“What about grandparents?”
He cleared his throat. “Donald would have been my grandfather.” He looked over for just a second. “I hear he was a…real winner.” That surprised me. So far he’d been so gracious of his family. He chuckled a little. “He’s kind of seen as the one who ‘failed them’.” He smiled a little like it was funny, but I couldn’t even think in that moment, couldn’t even breath. I tried not to project my thought, my feelings, my epiphany so he wouldn’t get wind of it. I knew it would just make him feel conflicted, but it was no use. I didn’t know how to do this yet, how to be this side of me, and it blared through even as I turned to look at the window.
He said ‘them’. Not ‘us’. The one who failed them.
I heard his breathing as he tried to keep it steady, in and out, but I could tell it was all an act, a façade of calm. And then his thoughts hit me for the first time full-on without me trying to read him, and I was sure without him trying to push it to me.
What the hell did I just do?
I’d only ever heard one word. Ava. My name. That’s all I’ve ever heard that was his voice in my head. Everything else has been flashes and visions, pictures, feelings, thoughts, intuition. But his voice…
His voice in my head was like a punch to the very thing inside me that makes me who I am. Even though the words he’d spoken were in anger and he was probably seething over in his seat, I couldn’t help but be in a completely different world over in mine with my revelation. His voice—soothing like music, deep as if tied right to his soul, dark like his coffee, calm like an embrace. His voice…was made for me. He was made for me.
I smiled as I felt a warm tear escape and wiped it away with a curled middle finger. I shook my head at myself. When did I become such a sappy girl? Oh, yeah…
