by Karin Baine
She took a deep breath, refilling her lungs and doing nothing to allay his worries that there was a serious problem here. ‘I’ll admit I wasn’t the kindest person to you on meeting for the first time but I, uh, might’ve held a bit of a grudge against you.’
‘Oh?’ It didn’t come as any great surprise but he was interested to know the reasons behind it.
‘Well...you kinda ruined my life.’
They were the words Hunter had always expected to hear from someone but they still hit hard. He didn’t know what he’d done to Charlotte to deserve them but he wasn’t in any doubt that he did. After all, ruining people’s lives was what he’d done best before he’d turned his own around.
He was staring at her as if she’d gone stark raving mad. Maybe she finally had. It would explain why she was about to spill her biggest, most humiliating secret but it was now or never. She couldn’t avoid this any more when he was opening up to her and showing he was just as human and flawed as she was. Perhaps after this confession, whatever the outcome, she’d finally be able to move on from that chapter of her life. As long as he kept the story to himself and saved her from prolonged mortification.
She gulped in another breath and prepared to unload her greatest shame. In the middle of a busy hospital, waiting for news on the fate of one of their players for goodness’ sake. She was beginning to think she should’ve told the whole sorry story from the outset and saved herself a whole heap of trouble. After this bombshell he wouldn’t be so keen to get up close and personal with her.
‘It might sound dramatic but teenage girls are, and when the one thing they love falls apart their whole world collapses. You have to realise ice hockey coming here was a big deal. When they built the arena, drafted in all of these handsome Canadians and Americans to play in that first team, it was like a hurricane sweeping in through our town. It was dangerous and exciting and turned everything upside down. I needed something to cling to while my home life was in freefall. In the lead-up to their divorce my parents were constantly fighting and hockey became my escape.’
‘Did I do something to hurt you? It was a difficult period for me. I wronged a lot of people and I’m doing my best to make it up.’ There was genuine confusion creasing his brow into a frown but how could she clear this up without coming across as the pathetic, sad case she’d been?
‘We only met in passing at fan events, signings and such. Nothing you’d remember.’ Why should she, a gangly wallflower, have stuck out in his mind when there’d been so many confident, beautiful women tugging at his jersey?
‘Sorry,’ he said, the need to apologise for his past so deeply ingrained he wouldn’t even know what he was saying it for.
Charlotte ached for the young boy who, like her, had probably grown up taking his parents’ disinterest to heart, believing he’d been at fault. It put a different perspective on the rebellious player he’d been, whose misdemeanours now seemed so obviously a cry for help from someone suffering tremendous pain. His return here, facing up to those he’d hurt, had taken a lot of courage and she hadn’t given him enough credit for it.
‘It’s not your fault. Really. I invested a lot in the team. Some might say too much. When you got tossed out of the championship match and we lost, I took it personally. A decade later and I guess I still couldn’t shake off that disappointment when we were first introduced. I was afraid you might let us down again.’ That wasn’t half the story behind her initial resistance but it was the least humiliating half.
‘It’s understandable. I was a mixed-up kid and I let a lot of people down during that time. All I can do is apologise and hope you’ll forgive me.’ With that lopsided smile, that resignation as he accepted any blame that could be apportioned to him, it was impossible not to forgive him anything.
‘I’ll hold my hands up and say you’re not the person I feared you were. I’ve seen what you’ve done for the team already, how you’ve handled Anderson and, of course, tonight when we fought to save Colton. There’s no question of your commitment.’
‘But there’s obviously something else going on I don’t know about when you keep running out on me.’ He took her other hand, forced her to turn around in her seat to face him. Close enough for him to see through any lies.
She swallowed hard. This was where things got tricky. ‘You were a big name in a small pond when you came here the first time. Exotic. Irresistible to a vulnerable teenage girl whose life seemed like it was falling apart. I might’ve developed a bit of a crush.’
That was putting it mildly but even that admission managed to raise his eyebrows and widen his grin.
He rested his hand on his heart. ‘I’m flattered.’
‘Don’t get carried away. I had a crush. Past tense. There’s no need to get all big-headed about it.’ His ego didn’t need to know adult Charlotte was beginning to develop more mature feelings on the subject. He’d probably worked that out for himself by now anyway.
‘We never met or went on a date?’
‘No. I just invested a lot of faith in you and let myself get carried away. I was genuinely devastated when you got thrown out of that game and we lost the championship.’ With hindsight she was able to see that her lonely teen self had been dealing with so many intense emotions at the time she’d probably transferred some of that onto his shoulders, believing that he’d failed her too.
It was a relief knowing he didn’t think she had a screw loose, that he was on her side, but that didn’t make the situation any easier for her to come to terms with.
‘Do you see now why I gave you such a hard time in the beginning?’
‘I do. All I can do is say sorry. Again.’
‘I guess seeing you back here awakened all of those old feelings. It didn’t help that I’d got it into my head you were hiding the real reason for your return. As I said, my issues.’
The colour slowly drained from his face. He edged back in his seat, regaining his personal space, and it was then she realised then she’d touched a nerve, that she might be on the verge of unravelling the truth behind his sudden reappearance. She instantly regretted this whole honesty thing. Whatever he was hiding, she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like it.
Hunter was so overwhelmed with the information, so conflicted about how he should react, he was beginning to wish he’d waited until they were off the premises for the emotional edition of show and tell. If at all.
The line of this conversation deserved a dark, quiet corner somewhere with a stiff drink for both of them.
He hadn’t suspected there was a history of anything other than his damaged reputation and it was almost worse, knowing the truth. It wasn’t only the possibility of him failing her that had made her wary, it was the fact he already had. There was nothing he could do to rectify that except be honest about who he was now. He couldn’t go on letting her think it was solely her paranoia keeping them from making any sort of commitment to each other.
That brought him right back to the subject he’d been avoiding. Alfie.
‘I haven’t told you the real reason I came back.’
She flinched, preparing herself for the worst and making him feel as though he was about to throw away that game all over again.
‘I knew it.’
He could already see the barricades shutting down around her. Usually she had no problem telling him what she thought of him.
That defensive stance she’d taken instead might’ve been a better course of action for him than lashing out or self-medicating with alcohol. It could’ve saved his hockey career. Then again, it wasn’t good to keep things bottled inside and isolate yourself, letting everything build up until some day it exploded and caused chaos, or slowly killed you from the inside out. He didn’t want either for Charlotte, only for her to be happy.
‘It’s nothing bad. At least, I don’t think so.’
Any earlier playfulness had vanished, any hint of a smile now evened out to a harsh thin line across her lips, and Hunter knew he should’ve found the courage to tell her about Alfie earlier. It didn’t matter whether she minded if he was a father or not now, the damage had been done with the omission.
‘I have a son, Alfie. I came back for him.’
He waited for a response but she said nothing.
‘I didn’t know he existed until a few months ago. My ex, Sara, was pregnant when I went back to Canada and didn’t tell me. We all know what a mess I was back then so I can’t blame her for not wanting me around. She died in a road accident last year and her parents got in touch. They thought Alfie should have one parent in his life at least. Although they aren’t keen for me to have custody until they’re one hundred percent sure it’s best for him. Hence the move back to Northern Ireland and the need for a steady job.’
‘I’m sorry to hear about Sara. I’m sure it all came as a great shock to you.’ The news he had a son had all but rendered her mute so she could only imagine how floored he’d been on finding out. It took any sort of relationship between them to a different level, one she wasn’t sure she was ready for. Although Hunter hadn’t been given a choice in the matter either by the sound of it.
He would have had every right to be angry about being denied the opportunity of that father role all this time only to have the responsibility dropped on him without a moment’s notice. It showed the true strength of his character that he was trying to do the best thing for his son and put him first.
Discovering this new side of him had its pros and cons. It made her warm to him even more when the circumstances had just become even more complex.
‘This was supposed to be a chance for me to make amends with all the people I hurt.’
‘You seem to be doing pretty well with that as far as I can see.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this up front but let’s face it, we didn’t exactly hit it off at the start. I understand why now, of course, but at the time there didn’t seem the need to get involved in each other’s personal lives.’ He held his hands up but she knew that first day must have been akin to walking into the lions’ den for him, with the lioness fiercely defending her territory.
‘I understand.’ She really did. If he’d announced he’d come back for his illegitimate son she probably would’ve imagined it was some sort of ploy to gain sympathy during those first days when she’d still believed the very worst about him. Actually spending time with him had taught her he was the new man he’d proclaimed to be after all.
‘It’s still early days for me and Alfie. I’m struggling to bond with him as it is without bringing someone else into his life. It was never my intention to get involved with anyone whilst I’m working towards gaining custody, and his trust. Despite the ridiculous urban myths, I’m not some sort of Lothario who’ll welcome a string of aunties into his life.’
‘No?’
‘No. I’m deadly serious about all of my responsibilities these days.’ He held eye contact with her until she saw the sincerity of his words reflected there.
She gave a tiny shiver, realising the significance of his decision to tell her about Alfie if he didn’t invite just anyone into his son’s life.
‘It’s my eternal shame Sara decided it was better to raise Alfie alone in secret than have his reckless, volatile father in his life. A decision I’m sure was very difficult for her to make and I don’t want to hurt anyone to that extent again.’
‘So, what’s the problem between you and Alfie now? Is he having trouble coming to terms with having you in his life?’ Charlotte understood that his ex had been trying to protect her son from the kind of questionable parenting she’d been subjected to but the very idea Hunter was considering other people’s feelings already made him a better father than hers had ever been.
‘Quite the opposite. I think I’m a bit of a novelty given he’s never had a father figure in his life before. Not something I’m proud of and I desperately want to make up for lost time but I am a bit out of my depth. It’s not helped by his overprotective grandparents who daren’t let him out of their sight.’
‘Okay, so he likes you, he wants to spend time with you... Surely they wouldn’t mind if the two of you spent the afternoon together? Maybe somewhere local so they don’t worry too much?’ It wasn’t fair that he should still be made to keep something of a distance when he genuinely wanted to be part of his child’s life. She would’ve been devastated to find out her father had been kept from spending time with her. Unfortunately the opposite had been true for her. Her father had wanted to forget she’d ever been born so he could pretend he was still young, free and single.
‘This is all new to me too. I’m not sure what kids’ activities are age-appropriate for an eight-year-old. I don’t have any experience of adventure playgrounds or family days out. At that age I was already practically living at the skating rink.’
‘Can Alfie skate?’ That sense of escape on the ice was something they definitely shared. As the son of a hockey player she would’ve imagined Alfie would’ve had that desire tenfold too.
‘I don’t think so. I don’t know for sure. Sara wasn’t into hockey and I doubt I did anything to persuade her otherwise.’
‘Why don’t you bring him to the rink? If he can’t skate, I’m sure you could teach him. What eight-year-old boy wouldn’t want to do that with his dad?’ She put forward the suggestion with a shrug. It was all she’d ever wanted to do, with or without adult supervision.
‘You’re right. I’d have done anything to have had someone take me by the hand and lead me around the rink, showing some sort of affection, or even interest. Like all those other childhood skills, I taught myself how to do it because my parents hadn’t had the time to spare. You know, I think they regretted my adoption because I got in the way of their self-indulgent lifestyle. They probably hadn’t meant for me to be much more than a cute accessory, when I’d been a living, breathing little boy in desperate need of a loving home. That’s why it’s so important to me to get this right for Alfie.’
‘I get it. We have neglectful fathers in common. Mine seemed to think divorcing my mum meant ending his relationship with me too. He threw nineteen years of marriage and family away for a fling with someone half his age. The one person I thought would always be there to protect me was the same person who broke my heart, and my mum’s. I guess I was too much of a reminder of his failure as a so-called family man but he just walked away, leaving me confused about what I’d done wrong and why we weren’t enough to make him happy. That betrayal of trust is hard to get past.’
‘It is. I don’t think I ever truly gave myself to Sara because I was always waiting for that final kick in the teeth. I needed to hold part of me back. Just in case.’
She nodded. ‘I understand. I didn’t even date until university because I was so cynical about the idea of love after the divorce. I missed out on those silly things young girls do at that age. There was no snogging in the back row of the cinema or hanging out in the local park in the dark for me because I didn’t want to get close to anyone again. I couldn’t go through that trauma a second time.’ She shrugged. So much time had passed it shouldn’t really hurt as much as it still did.
‘See, this is why I want to be the best parent I can be for my son. I don’t want to be the cause of him suffering that same uncertainty and fear. We need time together but just the two of us in the middle of that arena seems a bit intense. There’s no distractions, you know, unlike the cinema or something. Maybe I should take him there instead then there’s no pressure to talk. I don’t even know if we’ve got anything in common other than our DNA.’
‘You need to talk, to get to know each other the way we are.’ She nudged his elbow to stop him fretting even more than he had been about the situation.
‘It will help you bond m
uch quicker than sitting in silence in a dark cinema. Listen, if it would help I could pop by and say hello, see how you’re getting on. If all else fails we can break out a DVD at your place or something.’
Hunter was trying to do the right thing. All he needed was a little push in the right direction and if it meant one family could be saved some heartache she was happy to help. He deserved to have someone fighting in his corner and it might salve her conscience a fraction about her initial treatment of him.
‘I’d really appreciate that, Charlotte. Exactly when did you get so good at dishing out advice to new fathers? Did you take a parenting class or something?’
She snorted at that. ‘Definitely not. It’s come from years of experience in how not to raise a child.’
‘I’m sorry you had to go through it to be able to help me now but I am grateful to have a wingman for my first dad date with my son.’
‘I’ll pass on your thanks to the man who made it all possible if I ever see him again.’ It was highly unlikely. Last she’d heard he’d started a new family and the last thing he’d want would be his adult daughter turning up and spoiling the doting dad illusion.
‘So, as far as keeping secrets are concerned, am I forgiven?’
‘You’re forgiven.’ How could he not be when he’d welcomed her into that sacred circle of trust?
This should’ve been the moment she’d wished him good luck and backed away. He and Alfie were a package deal and accepting that meant leaning towards the kind of commitment she’d always tried to avoid. She preferred her life uncomplicated but now there was a child involved it would change everything. She couldn’t imagine the range of emotion he must’ve gone through on finding out he had an eight-year-old son he’d been denied all knowledge of but he’d accepted the role without blame or recriminations and had shown a maturity he’d been lacking during his last days here. Family hadn’t worked out well for her in the past and this had bad idea written all over it. Except his determination to make a better life for his son made him the noble, loving sort of man she wanted to be around more.
