by King, Imani
“For once,” I whispered, “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.” I threw my bags in and started the car, rolling out of the garage and onto an empty Richmond street.
There were news vans parked all along the street, reporters filing into the building, one after the other.
“No one will know where we are, baby. And nothing can get any worse than this.”
The sky lit up with the sunrise, the reds and yellows of fall greeting me as I turned onto the highway. I drove on, blissfully unaware of just how vindictive Janice Howell could be.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
October 29, 2016
Eight Days until Election Day
I pulled my beat up Subaru Forester out of the parking garage of the Jefferson. There was a packed suitcase in the back seat, containing only what I’d brought with me to Richmond. I’d have to sneak into Target and buy enough stretchy pants to last me until May 31st. When the baby came.
Just in time for Mother’s Day.
“Fuck everything,” I muttered, turning out onto the street, the car unfamiliar. I sighed deeply and turned on the radio, the low mutter of NPR in the background as I made my way to the highway. At this time of morning, I could go south and make my way to North Carolina before noon.
“Goodbye John, I gotta be somewhere people won’t come and find me. At least not right away.” The way the media had made it sound, people would be journeying to find me even if I flew to my grandparents’ place in Jamaica. I sighed and zoomed along the morning streets, just beginning to buzz with commuter traffic. I sailed along to the highway, the autumn trees expanding out before me.
“Finally free,” I muttered.
And the campaign. The damn campaign. Like I’d said to Kelly, it was all rotten. I’d fucked it all up. My phone buzzed, and I saw John’s name flash across the screen.
“You? No, absolutely not. You know what John? I’m going to turn this damn phone off and then block your number when I get to North Carolina. I might have been stupid to sleep with you. But hell, you were even worse.” I clicked my phone off and threw it on the passenger seat, leaning back in the driver’s seat and placing my hand over my belly as I zoomed past the traffic making its way into DC. “It’s okay, baby. I’m going to protect you. I don’t know if you’re a little girl for sure, but whatever you are, I’ll be with you every step of the way. And your mama will always protect you.”
Even if my baby was going to be the subject of the tabloids for the next months, she would be born into a world of unconditional love. That was decided, as certain as anything I’d ever known. She would have her granny and her granddaddy and her mama. And she wouldn’t need a man who seemed to care far more about his campaign, his privacy, than his wife and child. I grew red as I thought about his dismissive voice, telling me to go if I wanted. Telling me to throw away my career. And to think, I’d been trying to protect him all along. A true man, a real man... he wouldn’t have done this.
“Maybe I wasn’t the one who made it all rotten. Maybe I wasn’t the one who screwed everything up. I’m kind of thinking not, right baby?” In the past days, I had started to expand. My muscles and my skin, even my bones... it all felt completely different. Like I was making space for something new. The world around me seemed to fade out, and I kept my eyes focused on the road. The vision of the little girl flickered through my mind again, her twirling golden skirt, her beautiful green eyes on mine. The spark of love I saw there. Had that future ever been a possibility? Had John ever thought that we could be a family? I shook my head and pressed down on the pedal, bound for North Carolina.
***
I pulled my car into the driveway in the tiny, old neighborhood where my parents had lived for the past thirty years. Their life was so far away from mine, and I’d hardly visited in the time since I’d moved to Virginia for graduate school. They came to see me once every few months, using the opportunity to eat at the famous restaurants in the city and tour the Smithsonian. But I hadn’t come home in over a year, almost like I was denying this part of who I was. Maybe like I hadn’t considered it in far too long. Growing up here, I’d been a tomboy and a student, just as at home playing soccer in the field behind our house as I had in the run-down elementary school at the end of the street. In a predominantly black, middle-class neighborhood, I’d never stood out all that much. And in a small town that valued hard work and high morals, I’d been valued by everyone around me.
“I guess it took going somewhere else to see just how little a man can value a woman.” I turned the car off and opened the car door, my limbs heavy with exhaustion, my mind heavy with sadness. If this had been some kind of fairy tale, John would have run after me. He would have told me just how much he wanted to give it a try. He would have told me about the love he already felt for our child, about the life we would have together. He wouldn’t have looked down and sent me away. And he never would have left me to fend for myself against Janice, against the media, against everything that we were facing. I saw my father walking up to the car from the shed, and tears sprung to my eyes.
“Well, if it isn’t my darlin’, come home to see me. You came to see me right?” He winked at me and walked up to the car, drawing me into a hard hug. “That’s what your mama said.”
“Daddy, if you’ve seen the news...”
“We don’t hardly turn that damn thing on, anymore. Well, we watch Netflix. But no news is good news, if you ask me. At least these days.” There was a twinkle in my eye. My dad grabbed the bag from the car and took my arm, leading me up the old cement steps of their 1950s brick rambler. The lawn was freshly mowed, even though it was getting towards mid-October and the grass had probably stopped growing. My throat tightened, and I knew my father had mowed it for me. Such a simple kindness, a gesture of love. And he and my mama had kept the TV off, just like I’d asked. I walked inside to the smell of apple cobbler, picked fresh from the trees that surrounded our small town.
“She made your favorite,” my dad said, patting me on the back. “Thought you might like it after you had some meat loaf and green beans. Canned ‘em this summer from the garden. She’s had ‘em cookin with some fresh sausage.” I laughed. My mom had gone all out and cooked a dinner with two meats.
“What’s the occasion?” My father sat my bag down in the hall and looked at me, taking me by the shoulders.
“She said you needed to be fed. And that you were home because you had some wonderful news that the TV would make into something not so wonderful.” Heat pricked at my eyes, and the tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Daddy, I’m sorry—”
“Hush, Sonia. Life happens, and ain’t nothin’ you can do to prevent it. We’re just so damn glad you’re ours. So pretty and so smart. Just so funny too. But you never needed much of anything. You always did it on your own. Your mama said there’d be a day you needed us, and well, I didn’t believe her. You still might not. But we’re right here.” He drew me into a hug, and I clutched him hard, sobbing against his shirt. My mom walked into the living room where we stood, my sobs loud and relentless. I felt her cool hand against my neck.
“We have a feast for you. Got all your favorite things. I have blueberries frozen from the spring, and we’ve got apples. So many apples.” She lifted my hair and leaned up to kiss my cheek. “Come now, no tears.” I reached out my arm and pulled her in to me.
I was far away from my big home in the city now, and it was love that had pulled me back here. And it was love that would sustain us, the little family that would be mine. Love would pull me and my baby through as I gave in and let my life be redesigned, as I imagined everything all over again. My mom and dad ushered me over to the dining room table, laid out with immaculately prepared food for a decadent midday feast. My tears turned to laughter as I took the first few bites and my parents joined me at the table.
“I never thought food could taste this good,” I said, the salted green beans bursting with flavor in my mouth.
“It’ll get even better
‘fore it’s all over with, Sonia,” my mom said, looking at my father and catching his eye. My father cleared his throat.
“Sonia, your mama said you have some news for us, like I said.” I took a sip of sweet tea and swallowed slowly, nodding.
“Mama, I guess you already told Daddy.” She nodded. “But he’d like to hear it.” I looked back and forth between the two of them. My father already had tears in his eyes.
“Mom, Dad... It’s not quite the way I would have wanted it to happen. And it’s not quite the way I meant for it to happen... but I’m having a baby. And I’m raising her. Maybe here, even.” I looked between the two of them and took a bite of meat loaf, grateful that I was finally able to sit down, to say it all, without shame, without fear. Without scandal following me at every turn. My mom put her hand on mine and took it in hers.
“Well, you weren’t ever much of one for doing things someone else’s way, Sonia,” she said.
“Guess not.”
“Whatever way you do it,” my father added, “You’ll be a wonderful mother.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I ate my meat loaf as my parents chatted on, each of them carefully avoiding the subject of John. After lunch, exhaustion took me over, and I went back to my childhood bedroom, throwing my bags on the old braided rug. Several of the pictures I’d painted in high school still hung on the wall by the door, placed alongside my diplomas from the University of Virginia.
“And to think, they’re still proud of me.” I looked at the bag that contained my laptop and phone. “Hell naw,” I said. “Not now.” A great weariness washed over me and I fell back into the twin bed I’d used as a little girl. I pulled the covers over me and stared at the wall until I fell asleep, finally resting after two months of anguish and anxiety.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Halloween, 2016
Eight Days until Election Day
I rolled over in my childhood bed and opened my eyes, bleary and full of sleep. The sunlight filtered in through the canted blinds, casting lines over the braided rug. I stretched and reached for my phone, clicking it on to see eleven phone calls from John and just as many from Kelly. It was eleven in the morning—I hadn’t slept that late in years. I put my phone back on the bedside table and turned back to the wall.
“Y’all can wait til I’m awake. And then maybe I’ll text you back. I quit my job, remember?” I closed my eyes again and buried my head in the pillow. My parents’ voices drifted down the hallway. My father’s voice was hushed.
“I know she told us not to look, Annette. But I did. We couldn’t stay away from this news forever...” His voice trailed off, and I heard my mother sigh.
“Honey, please don’t even show me. I can’t bear it for her.”
“It’s worse than it was. The first stories just say she’s pregnant and that’s why they were married in secret.”
“Herb, stop—”
“Annette, honey. Our friends, the church. Everyone will know, and everyone is going to be talking about it. Look, it says here that there’s proof he paid her off to leave. Says there are multiple deposits to her account, and some proof that that John man was having her followed.”
“Herbert—stop it right now!” My mother shouted. But my father kept on.
“And it says no one even knows where she is. ‘Foul play expected.’ What does that even mean? Do they think that man hurt her?” My heart pounded, whooshing in my ears. I bit my lip and pulled the covers over my head. I wanted to will it all to go away. I was so stupid—we were all so stupid—to think that Janice couldn’t do worse than she already had. I wished my parents could make it better, make it all go away. I sat up, my body heavy and tired. I sighed and put my face in my hands, my head swimming.
There was a soft knock at the door. “Sonia? Honey?” I could see the shadow of my mother’s feet reflected across the hardwoods.
“I heard, Mom. I heard. I’ll... I’ll come out later. I’m not feeling so great.”
“Sonia, you need to let that man know where you are.”
“He made his bed. He can lie in it now.” I sank back into the soft cotton sheets, my body desperate for the warmth, the comfort. For once, I wasn’t going to jump up and handle this situation for everyone. The press would eventually find me, yes. And it would be murder for John’s campaign. But if he wasn’t willing to step up and say to the world that we married for more than money, for more than secrecy... well, I wasn’t willing to help him out. Not this time.
Under the covers, I rested my hand on the growing bump. Soon, I would feel her moving. And already, she was the only thing in my life that held purpose. John was hot and cold, running to me and then retreating as fast as he could. I wouldn’t subject my child to a father like that—and I wouldn’t subject her to a mother who fell for any kind of bullshit. The media, Janice’s cruel attacks on my character... it was all just noise. The only thing that was real was the life inside of me.
The future was uncertain. But I knew, for the first time, that the future held a love far greater than anything I’d ever hoped or imagined. I held that bright and beautiful thought in my mind, wrapping myself in it like a cocoon. John hadn’t given me many favors, but I had this one.
“Jessie,” I whispered. I drifted back into sleep and dreamed of the girl with the golden-brown hair.
***
“Sonia. Sonia, wake up. You’ve been in this bed since you got here. You haven’t even opened your laptop. Baby, I’m worried about you.” My mother sat down on the bed and put a soft, cool hand to my cheek. I picked up my phone and checked the time. I’d been in bed for two days, getting up only to go to the bathroom and eat the sandwiches my mother had left at the door.
“Mama, I don’t have anything to do. No homework. No school.” She laughed and brushed my curls behind my ear.
“Honey, there’s a lot going on, and you’ve got to face it sooner or later.”
“I don’t want to. For the first time in my life, can’t I let someone else deal with it?” I buried my face in the pillow.
“I wish you could. It’s a mess, Sonia Bug. But it’s not just you now. You made a commitment.”
“That marriage was a lie, Mom.” I looked up at her, her warm brown eyes meeting mine.
“I wasn’t talking about the marriage, baby.” She put her hand on the tiny bump. “It’s about this little boy or girl who will need to know that you stood up for her daddy, even if he was acting like a fool. There’s probably no saving this election, but you can sit up, put some clothes on, and act like the lady you are. Show them that’s who you are.”
“Mama, I can’t. It’s too much.” I pulled her hand into mine. “Just let me go back to sleep, please. Just let me.”
“I can’t make you do anything, Sonia. You’re a grown woman. I’m just telling you what I think you should do.” My mother patted my hand and stood. I heard her footfalls across the floor, then the door closing behind her. I slid out of bed.
“Why’s she always gotta be so right?” I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and put my hair into a messy bun. My curls needed some attention, but they would have to wait. I picked up my phone and turned it on, then dialed out.
“Darling? Where in God’s name are you?”
“I’m in North Carolina, Kelly. I went home.”
“That’s where I thought you might be, darling. But the media won’t have any of it. The Post called your parents, and the phone is off the hook. Some people are concocting some sort of story with you disappearing at the center. Janice got ahold of your bank account and—”
“I know. I haven’t even looked at it. I’ve been asleep for the past twenty-four hours. We underestimated how much she could do, didn’t we?”
“Yes darling. We underestimated her... and we underestimated how interested the American people might be in all of this. Greg was this enthralling mystery, and now he’s even more interesting. First the girlfriend—that Sabrina woman is even talking to the press, saying that she supports Janice for Senator, telling
everyone that John proposed and left her in the dust. I think Janice hired her, darling. And then there’s the secret bride, hidden pregnancy, disappearing wife. So very scandalous, the lot of it. It’s all anyone can talk about. I’m so sorry, darling.”
