by Cathy Sharp
‘Oh, no, I am quite ordinary …’
I wanted to escape and looked desperately for my brother, who was dancing with a very pretty girl I did not know. He was supposed to be here to protect me!
‘Allow me to differ. You are special – could be very special indeed with a little help from a friend. You have more than one talent, Amy. I could help you to develop them all.’
‘Please … You must excuse me.’
I left him abruptly, not caring that I was being rude. I could no longer doubt the nature of his interest in me, and was determined to give him no opportunity to force his unwanted attentions on me.
Leaving the marquee I went into the house, hurrying up to the room I shared with Millie. After a moment’s hesitation I took off my new dress and replaced it with a plain black skirt and a white blouse with long full sleeves that I had worn for dinner the previous evening.
I had no intention of going back to the marquee and decided that I would get something to eat from the buffet tables in the dining room and then go to bed. It was still quite early but the evening was over as far as I was concerned.
As I approached the door of the dining room I heard laughter coming from inside. Jane, her brother, Millie and Alan Bell were obviously in a merry mood, talking loudly – about me.
‘I always thought she was a little tart,’ Harry Adams drawled.
‘That’s a bit unfair, old chap,’ Alan protested. ‘I’ve always liked the girl. Mind you, that dress was a mistake for an affair of this kind.’
‘I thought she had good taste,’ Mary said with a spiteful note in her voice. ‘I’ve decided to drop her. I’ll buy my trousseau from Worth’s.’
Her trousseau! Had she managed to persuade Paul to marry her?
I turned away from the dining room, making my way to the conservatory via the hall. Paul was standing looking out into the night. I hesitated but he knew I was there and turned to face me.
‘So they got to you after all,’ he said, noticing that I had changed my dress.
‘I made a mistake with that dress.’
‘It would have looked better in town, but I liked it. You shouldn’t let them get to you, Amy. Underneath they are rotten – like the stinking filth you find in the sewers. You’re worth ten of any of them, including me.’
‘Why didn’t you give me some courage earlier?’
‘Mary forbade it. If I had taken your side …’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Will you congratulate me, Amy? I am going to be married.’
‘To Mary?’ I stared as he nodded, a wry, slightly bitter expression on his face. ‘Why? Are you in love with her?’
Paul gave a harsh laugh. ‘Love doesn’t come into this. Mary owns me, my dear. I need money rather badly and I won’t go to my father. She knows that. Besides, Mary knows things about me, things that I would rather the rest of the world didn’t …’
‘What kind of things?’
‘Things I would never tell you, sweet Amy. The kind of thing that haunts my dreams and would give you nightmares. I was drunk when I confessed it all to Mary like a fool. She has never let me forget it since.’
Now I understood why Mary had been so sure of him.
‘But that’s blackmail, Paul.’
‘Yes. Nasty, isn’t it? I did tell you we were not very nice people.’
‘What would you have done if I had said I would run away with you this afternoon?’
Paul laughed softly. ‘But of course I knew you wouldn’t. I was desperate, and I might just have gone through with it if you had agreed, my dear. However, I was quite safe. Neither of us is brave enough to make that break for freedom, are we? We both cling to what is safe and known.’
‘So you will marry her knowing …’
‘That we must never have a child. Of course you’ve worked it out, haven’t you? There is madness in my family, Amy. My sister and I escaped the curse, but my mother was suffering from dementia when she died – though it was hushed up of course. Eleanor never knew the truth, thank God. My father told me when I came back from the war. He thought I was a coward and he made no bones about the reasons for my lack of fibre. All my mother’s fault, of course. Apparently, the madness goes back several generations, but had missed a few, so it wasn’t generally known when they married. Father found out afterwards, as Mary’s father did – but Mary’s mother had a different weakness, a fondness for alcohol possibly induced by her husband’s cruelty.’
Paul’s face worked with emotion. He looked drained, a man in torment as he finished speaking. I felt the sadness and pity swell inside me so that I wished I could go to him and comfort him, but there was something in his manner that warned me to keep my distance.
‘You’re not mad, Paul.’
‘Not yet, no – but I may end up that way. As I told you, it goes back quite a way. So you can see what a lucky escape you’ve had, my sweet girl. I would have ruined your life if you had let me.’
‘I don’t believe that. I don’t believe you would hurt anyone deliberately.’
‘Precious, innocent Amy. How I love you. Go away now, my dear one, and don’t come back. Mary doesn’t want you any more, and she can be vicious if she feels inclined. Take my word for it.’
‘You shouldn’t marry her, Paul. You will both be unhappy.’
‘I don’t think Mary cares about having children.’
‘I didn’t mean because of that. You don’t love her.’
‘As I’ve told you before, love doesn’t come into this.’ He turned his back on me, staring out at the night once more. ‘Goodbye, Amy. We shall not meet again.’
‘Goodbye, Paul.’
I hesitated for a moment, still drawn to him, still caught by this feeling between us, then I turned and went out. It was impossible, had always been so. I had my foot on the bottom stair, intending to go up to my room, when I heard my brother’s voice call out to me.
‘I was worried about you, Amy,’ he said when I turned and waited for him to come to me. ‘You’ve changed then?’
‘Yes, I should have worn this in the first place.’
‘Come back to the dance with me?’
‘No, I don’t think so. I have a headache. I’m going to bed.’
‘Are you sure?’ He looked anxious. ‘You were looking forward to this party so much.’
‘I know, but Mum was right. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t belong with these people.’
‘Thank goodness you’ve come to your senses at last.’ Terry grinned at me. ‘Shall we go home?’
‘In the morning,’ I said. ‘I’m not going to run away like a thief in the night, but I shan’t stay for lunch. Mary wouldn’t want me to. I think she may cancel her last gown. She has decided to drop me.’
‘A good thing, too,’ Terry said, walking up the stairs with me. ‘I’ll see you to your room, love, and then I’ll turn in. These things aren’t really my kind of affair.’
‘You liked dancing with that pretty girl I saw you with earlier,’ I teased.
‘I like pretty girls. But Margaret is more my sort. I’ve asked her to go out with me next week. I’m going to take her to a show.’
‘Good. I like Margaret.’
We had reached the door of my room. Terry kissed my cheek.
‘Cheer up, Amy. It isn’t the end of the world.’
‘Of course not. Both Lainie and Mum warned me it would happen. I should have listened to them at the start, but I was having fun. It was fun for a while, Terry.’
‘Just as well this happened when I was with you. Maitland is an odd fellow, Amy. If I were you I should lock your door. Don’t open it unless it’s Millie. She seems the best of this bunch.’
‘Yes, I think she probably is. Goodnight, Terry. I’m going to pack. We can leave by eight in the morning if you like.’
‘The sooner the better as far as I’m concerned.’
I laughed, kissed his cheek and went in, locking the door behind me. I would take Terry’s advice and open it only for Millie.
I left a note for Mary on the hall table the next morning. We had decided not to bother with breakfast but find a café on the way home to have a bite to eat. No one was about when Terry and I took our things down to the car, except for one or two rather exhausted-looking servants.
A very sleepy Millie bade me farewell.
‘I’ll come into the shop to talk to you another day, when I’m not so tired. I hope we can still be friends.’
‘Yes, of course, if you want to.’
‘Oh, yes, I don’t care what Mary says, and nor does Alan.’
‘Goodbye for now then.’
Terry looked at me as he started the car.
‘No regrets, Amy?’
‘No, of course not.’ I had no regrets about leaving, and only a slight ache in my heart when I thought of Paul.
I thought I would always carry the faint scars of my brief friendship with Paul and Mary. Paul had warned me at the start and I should have heeded his warning. But it could all have been so much worse …
Mary had turned against me because she had sensed the attraction between Paul and me, but I wasn’t sure what that attraction actually was. Paul had spoken of love, but it wasn’t the kind of love I felt for Matthew. It was something wilder, strange, inexplicable, a fatal attraction that I had always known was wrong. I knew we could never have married. Paul would never allow himself to have children and that would have broken my heart – his too if he truly loved me. He was right when he said that he should never marry.
How big a burden it was to carry the knowledge of his mother’s dementia, to know that the thread of madness was in his blood, waiting like an evil seed to be passed on to his children.
But perhaps it didn’t matter to Mary. She wanted Paul, had used blackmail to get her own way. Perhaps she didn’t care that he would never give her a child.
‘You’re very quiet, Amy,’ Terry said when I had been silent for a long time. ‘What’s on your mind?’
I couldn’t tell him the truth; it would have been disloyal to Paul. ‘Nothing really. I was wondering what I shall do if Lainie sells the shop, that’s all.’
‘Is she thinking of selling?’
‘She might if she gets married. I don’t know for sure yet.’
‘You could always find another job. I am sure Dad would help out. He has loads of contacts, probably knows a few people in the rag trade if you asked him. There are openings with small fashion houses for designers like you, Amy.’
‘I’ve sent loads of designs out but no one has answered.’
‘Maybe you’ve been trying the wrong places,’ Terry said. ‘The bigger houses probably wouldn’t be interested, but there are scores of small manufacturers in the East End. Dad is bound to know a few. He could maybe ask around a bit, find out if anyone is looking for a great young designer with new ideas.’
‘Oh, Terry,’ I said, and laughed as he had intended I should. ‘You make me feel so much better.’
‘As I’ve told you before, it isn’t the end of the world, Amy. Mary and her friends aren’t the only ones who would appreciate your designs. If I were you I’d have another go at sending them out, but to different places.’
‘Yes, perhaps I shall,’ I said. ‘I hadn’t bothered because I was too busy doing the embroidery for Mary’s gowns, but now I shall have more time to myself again.’
My spirits had lifted and I knew Terry was right. I had enjoyed my time as Mary’s friend, but it was over and I would just have to think about other things now. Not least what I was going to say to Matthew when he visited the following week.
Lainie asked me if I’d enjoyed myself that weekend. I told her it had been a nice party but that I didn’t expect to be visiting Mary much in future.
‘Well, you’ve had some fun,’ she said apparently not particularly interested. ‘If Mary cancels that gown we’ll put it on the rails, Amy. I’m sure we can sell it to someone else.’
‘Yes, I should think we probably can. I’ll tell Margaret to carry on then?’
‘Yes …’ She looked at me thoughtfully. ‘Amy, I’ve made up my mind to marry Harold, but not until next year. I need some time to decide what to do about the shop. I’ve got several choices. Matthew has offered to lease it from me for a men’s outfitters and I might let him have it. Or I might sell.’
‘You’re the only one who can decide that, Lainie. You’ve ruled out keeping the shop and employing someone to run it then?’
‘I think I would rather lease or sell.’ There was a hint of apology in her eyes as she looked at me. ‘I know I did say that you could run it for me, Amy, but I’ve decided it’s best to be in or out. John was right about that. I don’t need to work and I don’t see why I should.’
‘I see. Well, thank you for telling me. At least I know where I stand.’
‘Oh, don’t look so stricken,’ she said a little impatiently. ‘You’ll be married by Christmas anyway, that was one of the things that decided me. Matthew won’t want you to be running a shop once you’re his wife. Some men expect their wives to stay home, and he’s definitely one of them.’
‘Supposing I decide I don’t want to get married for a while?’
‘Have you quarrelled with Matthew? Oh, Amy, I hope it wasn’t over that stupid dance. Matthew loves you and I thought you loved him.’
‘I do but I’m not sure I want to get married just yet.’
‘I don’t understand. You were the one pushing for marriage. It was all you wanted.’
‘Yes, I know. But now I’m not sure. I might prefer to wait for a while.’
‘You will be a fool if you lose Matthew,’ Lainie told me. ‘I thought you had more sense, Amy. If your head has been turned by all this nonsense with Mary you need to straighten yourself out quickly, my girl.’
‘It isn’t anything to do with Mary.’
‘Another man then?’ Lainie frowned. ‘I was a fool once, Amy. There was a man I cared about who loved me very much. But I let someone else turn my head with false promises and it led to heartbreak. Don’t let it happen to you. This dress designing is all very well, but a good man, marriage and children are far more worthwhile. I know what I’d do if I had my time again.’
‘Did John come to stay this weekend?’ I asked because I wanted to change the subject.
‘No. He telephoned to say that he had to work and couldn’t make it, so you needn’t check to see if anything is missing.’
‘I wasn’t going to.’ I stared at her unhappily. ‘Are we going to quarrel over this again?’
‘No, of course not. I’m sorry if I was touchy – but it would hurt me a lot if I thought—’ Lainie broke off as the telephone rang and she got up to answer it. ‘Bridget? Yes, of course she is here. Oh, I see. I’m so sorry. I’ll hand you over to her now.’
I was waiting for the phone even before Lainie turned round.
‘Mum, what’s the matter?’
‘Now don’t panic, Amy. Your father has had a slight heart attack. He is all right. The doctor came and examined him and he said he was better off resting at home rather than going to hospital, but I wanted you to know.’
‘I’m coming home now.’
‘No, don’t do that this evening. Joe is asleep and you would only worry him if you turned up late at night. Come over tomorrow if you want.’
‘I shall come home to stay for a while, Mum. I’m sure Lainie can manage without me for a few days.’ I looked at my aunt and she nodded emphatically. ‘I can help you at home while Dad is ill. Just for a few days.’
‘You know there’s nothing I would like better than to have you at home, love – but what about the dresses you are making for that girl?’
‘She will have to wait,’ I said. ‘But I think that is probably over, Mum. You were right about the Maitlands; they are not very nice people. I don’t think I want to design anything for Mary any more.’
‘He didn’t do anything to harm you?’ My mother sounded alarmed and I laughed.
‘I had Terry there to protect
me, remember? No, nothing happened for you to worry about, Mum. I’m fine. Just worried about Dad – and you.’
‘Well, you don’t need to worry about me, darlin’,’ she said. ‘And the doctor says your father will be fine if he takes things easy for a while. That’s going to be the hard thing, keeping him from going off to do one of his deals. If you are here he may be more content to sit around and rest for a few days.’
‘I’ll be there in the morning. Take care of yourself, Mum.’
‘Bless you, me darlin’,’ she said, suddenly sounding very Irish, which told me that she was desperately upset and trying to hide it. ‘There’s not the least need for you to be worryin’ your head over me.’
‘I love you, Mum. I love both of you.’
‘And we love you, Amy. I’ll see you tomorrow then.’
Lainie was looking at me oddly as I turned to her. Her face was very pale and I could see that she was concerned.
‘Mum says he’s going to be all right. He just needs to rest for a while.’
‘That’s good,’ she said. ‘Did I hear you say that Mary’s name was Maitland just now?’
‘Yes. I’ve known for a while now, but I didn’t think it was important …’ Lainie sat down abruptly, her hand shaking on the arm of her chair. ‘What’s wrong? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.’
‘Is her father’s name Philip – Philip Maitland?’
‘Yes, I think so.’ I frowned at her. ‘Did you know him too? I’ve been told my father did – and he didn’t like him much.’
‘I hate him,’ Lainie said. She raised her head and looked at me, her eyes dark with remembered grief. ‘If I had known … If I had guessed that she was his daughter, I would never have let you go there. You must promise me that you won’t go there ever again, Amy. He is evil – a wicked man.’ She gave a little cry and covered her face with her hands. ‘To think that you have been staying in his house …’
‘Terry was there. Besides, I was quite safe. He respects Mary’s friends …’
