by Cathy Sharp
‘So you’re going to accept then?’
‘Yes. Yes, I have already. Joe made it clear that his offer had nothing to do with us. He still wants me even if …’ He broke off, looking at me oddly. ‘I was a bit harsh with you last time I was home, Amy. It upset me because you so obviously didn’t want to tell me about your plans for the weekend.’
‘That was wrong of me,’ I admitted. ‘I should have been open with you, Matt. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was going to Mary’s house – but I thought you wouldn’t like it and I didn’t want to quarrel.’
‘You should have told me.’
‘Yes, I should have. It was silly and wrong, and it won’t happen again.’
‘Are you going to keep visiting her?’
‘No, I don’t think so. I don’t think either of us wants that. I still like Mary, but there are reasons why I probably won’t be seeing so much of her in future.’
‘Would you like to tell me about them?’
‘Her father has started to take an unhealthy interest in me,’ I said. ‘And she was jealous because her cousin liked me too much.’
‘Liked?’ Matthew looked at me intently. ‘Is that all it was, Amy?’
I knew I had to tell him the truth, and I took a deep breath. ‘Paul told me he was in love with me. He suggested we should run off and get married, but I don’t think he really meant it – it was just a mad idea.’
I couldn’t bear to look at Matthew, because I knew I would see hurt in his eyes.
‘And what did you tell him?’
‘I said I couldn’t do that to my family or to you.’
‘That was good of you,’ he said, a note of bitterness in his voice. ‘But I dare say I would have got over it. I think I’m man enough to accept it if you’ve changed your mind about us.’
‘I never meant to hurt you, Matt. I simply got caught up in something I couldn’t control.’
‘And this Paul Ross? What do you feel for him?’
I turned to face him. ‘I don’t love him the way I love you.’
‘But you do feel something for him?’
The hurt was in his eyes once more, making me feel like some sort of criminal, forcing me to look away because I couldn’t bear the accusation I saw there.
‘I feel something for him but I can’t explain it. We would never have married, but there was a strong feeling between us.’
‘Did he kiss you?’ I heard jealousy and anger in his voice now. ‘Tell me the truth, Amy.’
‘Yes.’
‘More than once?’
‘Yes.’
‘Anything else? Did he have you … sexually?’
‘Of course not!’ I was shocked. ‘How could you ask? You can’t think I would do that.’
‘Why not? Other girls have in similar situations. He could give you all the things I only dream of giving you.’
‘Paul doesn’t have money,’ I said quietly. ‘That’s why he’s marrying Mary, because she has quite a bit of her own. Her maternal grandfather left it in a trust for her until she marries, and of course her father is a wealthy man.’
‘He sounds a really nice chap,’ Matthew sneered. ‘And you’re in love with him!’
‘I’m not in love with him. Besides, you don’t understand. Paul is trapped. Mary has him on a string – he has no choice but to marry her. I think he was desperate, that’s why he asked me to run away with him. He was trying to escape, but he didn’t quite have the strength to make the break.’
Matthew looked disbelieving, and I could see that he despised Paul – and me for caring about him. But I couldn’t tell Matthew the reasons for Paul’s decision to marry a girl he didn’t love, nor could I explain my own feelings. I didn’t really understand them myself. I just knew that a part of me had felt it belonged with him.
‘There is always a choice, Amy.’
‘You don’t understand about Paul.’
‘And I don’t want to. I’ve no time for people like that. They disgust me. They are rich, idle and worthless. If he needed money he should have pulled himself together and found a job. You said he was talented – why couldn’t he play the piano for a living?’
‘I’ve never heard him. He was scarred by the war or some private hurt and he no longer plays in public.’
‘He sounds like a wastrel to me.’
‘That’s unfair. You know nothing about him or why he is the way he is.’
‘As far as I’m concerned there’s nothing to know.’
‘You’re pig-headed and too sure of yourself. You think you’re always right and that other people don’t have a right to live their own lives in their own way.’
A pleasure boat was passing. It hooted its horn and the people on board waved. Neither of us waved back, we were both feeling too miserable.
‘And you are a spoiled, silly girl who doesn’t know what she wants.’
I glanced at Matthew. He was glaring at me.
‘There’s nothing more to say then, is there? I think we’ll postpone the wedding, Matt. We are obviously not suited.’
‘My thoughts exactly.’ His eyes flashed with temper. ‘You need to grow up before you’re fit to marry anybody.’
‘I’m not sure I want to get married anyway. There’s more to life than washing shirts and changing nappies.’
‘Just as well we found out before it was too late then.’
I jumped up and walked quickly away, leaving him sitting on the bench alone. The tears were very close and I felt wretched, but there was no point in continuing the argument. Matthew was so sure he was right, and perhaps in a way he was. Perhaps I was just a silly girl who didn’t know what she wanted from life.
I only knew that I was hurting inside, but I wasn’t sure why.
Ten
After more than a week of complete rest my father seemed much better and I decided to return to work. Lainie had visited with flowers and fruit, spending most of her time chatting to my mother over a cup of tea in the kitchen.
‘Everyone has been asking after you,’ she told me before she left. ‘Are you coming back to us soon, Amy?’
‘You should go,’ my mother said. ‘Joe says he’s coming downstairs tomorrow, so I shan’t be up and down all the time.’
‘I’ll go then,’ I agreed. ‘If you want me you can always telephone me at Lainie’s.’
‘I’m sure Joe is much better. There’s no need for you to worry about us, Amy, love.’
‘No, of course not.’
My mother had friends who would help her if necessary and my father was looking less tired. Lainie obviously wanted me back, and I’d missed working with the other girls and the customers.
‘A letter came for you the other day,’ Lainie said as she was leaving. ‘I meant to bring it for you but I forgot. I hope it wasn’t important.’
‘I’m not expecting anything in particular.’
‘Oh well, I’ll put it in your room and you’ll find it there when you come.’
The only person who wrote to me as a rule was Matthew but my aunt would recognize his hand, so it must be from someone else. Besides, I didn’t think he would write for a while after our quarrel. So far I hadn’t told anyone the wedding was off but I would have to soon – unless we both thought differently after we’d had time to calm down.
I was reflective as I went to bed that night. A part of me wanted time to live my own life and sort out my feelings, and another part of me missed Matthew so much that it hurt.
It took me ages to get to sleep that night. My mind kept running over and over the things that haunted me, keeping me restless, and when I did finally sleep it was only to toss restlessly on my pillow.
I woke from the dream with a start, hot and sweating, staring fearfully into the darkness. It was the first time I’d had the dream in months. I had thought it gone completely, but this one was worse than all the others, because I now knew the man with the staring eyes.
And he was dead.
Terry took me to Lainie�
�s in the car the next morning. He studied my face thoughtfully for a moment or two as he took my case from the back and handed it to me.
‘You’re looking a bit peaky this morning, Amy. Something wrong?’
‘I didn’t sleep well, that’s all – a bad dream.’
‘Do you still have those? I remember you screaming as a child. Got a lot on your mind?’
‘No, not really.’
‘Have you heard from Mary at all?’
‘No, but I didn’t expect to while I was at home. She doesn’t know where I live. Besides, I expect she’s still angry with me.’
I had wondered if my letter might be from Mary but I didn’t mention that to Terry. I wasn’t sure how I would feel if she had written to me. Our friendship was over. I doubted it would be sensible to try to renew it.
‘You won’t go running after her again if she does?’
‘I’ve never run after her,’ I told him. ‘I don’t intend to start now – but I shan’t be rude if she wants to be friendly.’
I gave my brother a quick hug, told him not to worry and waved him off, then used the back stairs to go up to Lainie’s flat. As I went into the sitting room I saw a girl standing by the desk. She had the top drawer open and was looking for something, and I knew she hadn’t heard me come in.
‘What are you doing, Peggy?’
She whirled around, fear and guilt in her face.
‘Miss O’Rourke sent me to fetch something for her.’
‘No, I don’t think I believe that,’ I said. ‘You were looking for money, weren’t you? You took money from the desk once before – and from my bedroom.’
‘I didn’t! I didn’t steal anything. I was only going to borrow …’
‘I think we had better go and ask Lainie why she sent you up here, don’t you?’
‘No! Please …’ Peggy burst into a flood of noisy tears. ‘I’ll lose my job, and I needed the money so badly. My baby has been ill. I took the money to pay the doctor. It’s all right for you, Amy. You’ve never known what it’s like to be desperate.’
‘I’m sorry …’
‘Don’t believe her.’ Lainie’s voice was harsh as she came out of her bedroom. ‘I suspected Peggy as soon as I knew money was missing, but I hoped I was wrong, that we’d merely mislaid it.’
‘It’s a trap,’ Peggy said, her face deadly white. ‘You said you were going out. I heard you telling Margaret …’
‘Yes, it was a trap for a thief and you fell into it,’ Lainie said. ‘I’m not a hard woman but I won’t keep a thief on my premises. I’ll give you your wages and you can leave now, immediately.’
‘Please …’ Peggy sobbed. ‘How am I going to find another job? No one decent will employ me without a reference. I shall ’ave to go back to that sweatshop I worked in afore, and that’ll be the death o’ me.’
‘You should’ve thought of that before you stole from me. You’re lucky I don’t hand you over to the police.’
‘Amy! Help me!’ She looked at me fearfully. ‘I can’t go back to that dreadful place …’
I felt pity for her plight as she sobbed but I knew there was nothing I could do to help her. Lainie had given her a chance and she had abused her trust.
‘Go down and collect your things,’ Lainie said. ‘In a few minutes I shall come and give you your wages.’
Peggy looked at her in silence for a moment, then turned away, leaving without another word.
‘I’m glad you saw that, Amy,’ my aunt said. ‘I hope you’re convinced now that it wasn’t John who took your money.’
‘Yes, of course. I apologize to you and to John. I jumped to conclusions and I shouldn’t have done. I’m sorry.’
Lainie nodded her satisfaction. ‘We’ll forget about it now. I didn’t say anything to him, so he doesn’t know he was under suspicion. I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell him.’
‘Of course I shan’t. I feel awful.’
‘There’s no need for that. I wondered if it might have been him myself for a while, but then I remembered Margaret saying they were short in their tea money in the workroom just after Peggy first arrived.’
‘Well, I’m glad you’ve sorted it out. What will happen to her now?’
‘She’ll find work or she’ll have to go into the workhouse.’ Lainie shrugged her shoulders. ‘Don’t waste your pity. Peggy isn’t our worry. There are hundreds of girls who would give anything for the chance I gave her.’
‘Yes, I know. She let you down. You couldn’t do anything else but let her go – but I can’t help feeling sorry for her. Especially if her baby was ill.’
‘She made that up to get your sympathy.’ Lainie frowned. ‘I’ve got something else to tell you. Mary Maitland came in this morning asking about her dress. I told her we wouldn’t be making it for her and asked her not to come here again.’
‘Oh, Lainie! You were a bit harsh. Besides, the dress is almost finished.’
‘I’ve already sold it to Miss Adams. It needs some alteration but Margaret is working on it. Miss Adams bought two dresses from the rails, on which she would like some embroidery – and she wants you to make something special for her if you will.’
‘Of course I will – for as long as I can.’
Lainie was silent for a moment, then said, ‘Margaret has decided not to leave us. She was suspicious of the working conditions at that other place. She thought she might be expected to put in extra hours for nothing whenever they needed her, and she can earn as much here if she does extra work for you.’
‘Until you sell the shop.’
‘If I do,’ Lainie said. ‘I was hurt and angry when I made my decision to sell, Amy. Harold says I shouldn’t be too hasty. London isn’t so far by train these days, and until you have children … That’s if you want to carry on?’
‘You know I do! Oh, Lainie!’ I hugged her. ‘You don’t know how much this means to me. Especially now …’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m not going to marry Matthew, not for a while anyway. It’s not that I’ve stopped caring for him, I’m just not ready yet.’
‘Well, that suits me. It’s selfish to say so, I know, but you’re young, Amy. You’ve plenty of time to marry later on.’ She looked at me thoughtfully. ‘This doesn’t mean you’re going to start up with Mary again, does it?’
‘Not as a friend, no. But if we’re going to develop the design side I wouldn’t turn her down as a customer.’
‘You’ll have plenty of those. I’ve had six ladies in asking about you while you were away. They were older women, not young girls. One of them told me she saw the dress you wore to Mary’s dance and loved it. She wants you to make something similar for her.’
‘Good gracious! Are you sure?’ I was so surprised that I stared at her with my mouth open like a fish out of water. ‘I thought everyone was saying I looked like a tart that evening.’
‘Well, apparently some of them thought you looked divine – her words, not mine.’ Lainie smiled. ‘People are talking about you, Amy. You undoubtedly have talent and Mary isn’t the only one who knows a good thing when she sees it. We shall charge more for your work in future. If there is a demand for something it’s worth its price.’
Lainie looked quite excited and I thought the upsurge in business was probably one of the main reasons she had changed her mind again.
‘It sounds as if we are going to be busy. We shall have to take on another seamstress again.’
‘Next time I’ll make sure she’s honest.’
‘Yes, please do.’
Lainie said she had things to do in her office and I carried my suitcase into my bedroom. The letter Lainie had told me about was lying on the dressing table. I picked it up and opened it, frowning as I read it through twice.
Apparently, one of the fashion houses I had sent a design to had decided they wanted to use it in their next collection and were offering me twenty pounds. It was a considerable sum of money – far more than I had ever earned before
– but that wasn’t all. I had been invited to take along a portfolio of my work. If it was satisfactory I might be offered full-time employment.
I felt a surge of excitement, but then I read the letter again and began to wonder. I did not recall submitting a design to a firm called Rosemary Fashions. It seemed a little odd and I decided to take my letter downstairs and show it to Margaret.
Sally and Margaret were having an earnest conversation when I went into the workroom, but they stopped when they saw me.
‘Has Peggy gone?’
‘She was crying,’ Margaret said, looking upset. ‘She wouldn’t tell us why she’d been dismissed. I thought it might be because I had decided to stay on.’
‘No, of course not. If anything we shall need at least one more girl, perhaps two. We’re going to expand the design and made-to-order business if we can.’
‘Oh, good,’ Margaret said, looking happier. ‘I’m glad I decided to stay then. I felt guilty when Peggy was so upset.’
‘Why was she sent off?’ Sally asked.
‘She was caught trying to take money from Lainie’s desk upstairs. It wasn’t the first time she’d done it, so Lainie had to let her go.’
‘She’d borrowed from both of us,’ Sally said. ‘Told us her mother was dying once, and her rent was overdue another time. I reckon she was a liar as well as a thief.’ She sniffed her disapproval. ‘If you want another girl I’ve got a cousin looking for a good place. She don’t like it where she is ’cause ’er boss is a bit nifty wiv ‘is ‘ands if yer know what I mean?’
‘Yes, I do,’ I agreed. ‘Where does she work now?’
‘It’s a classy manufacturer’s down the Portobello Road. Knows all the tricks of the trade, does Alice. She’ll be able ter ‘elp wiv the cuttin’ as well as the sewin’, I reckon.’
‘Ask Alice to come and see us. If Lainie likes her she sounds just what we need.’
I turned to Margaret, taking the letter from the pocket of my skirt to show her. ‘I wasn’t sure … Is this the firm that wrote to you?’
She glanced at the letter in surprise, then nodded. ‘Yes, just the same. Miss O’Rourke told you I’ve turned them down? I didn’t like the look of things there – something not quite right about it. I thought it was odd right from the start, offering me all that money.’
