“Mostly His.”
She shook her head. “No, Brian. Did God allow it to happen? Maybe. But did He do it? No. You have so much guilt wrapped up inside, that it’s destroying you. If anyone should be suffering, it should be me. I’m the one who wanted a baby.”
“And I didn’t?” he snapped.
“You know what I mean.”
“Which is why I can’t forgive myself. Or God.”
Rhonda sighed. “Then you’ll never get better. And I need you better. I would like my husband back.”
“How can I?” He flipped over on his back and stared at the ceiling.
“You know, Brian, bad things happen to good people because of our sin.”
“My sin?”
“No, our sin; the world’s sin. But I like to think that Lara is in heaven playing with the angels. I get excited, because I know that someday I will see her again. But, Brian, I’m sad because I know you won’t be joining us. If that bullet had killed you, that would be it for us. I’d never get to introduce you to the child who once lived in my womb.” Emotion seemed to clutch her throat, and her voice became raspy. “But I know a way that you can find peace and forgiveness from your guilt. I know a way that someday you can meet your daughter.”
Tears cascaded down Brian’s cheeks.
“You just need to turn your life over to Jesus. Let go, and let God take care of your sorrow.” Rhonda kissed his damp face and whispered, “You need to pour out your heart to the One who can carry your pain.”
“I don’t think I can.”
Rhonda climbed into the narrow bed alongside of him, placed her head on his shoulder and said, “Jesus died and rose again, so that you could live.”
Brian shivered. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
26
Ray looked at the address book on his phone. Danielle’s name stared at him, daring him to push send. But he couldn’t. What would he say? That he was an idiot. All night, when he should have been concentrating on praying and comforting Rhonda, regret clutched his gut.
He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. Now was not the time. He snapped his phone closed and stuffed it in his coat pocket.
Rhonda had mentioned Brian was awake and free for a visit. That took precedence.
He’d think about Danielle later. Or at least, he’d try to make it later. He stood and walked to Brian’s room.
Brian was sitting up.
“Well, you’re looking much better.” Ray smiled.
“Really? I feel like an armored tank used my stomach as a roadway.”
Ray chuckled. “Do you need anything?”
“Actually, I’d love that pillow on the floor next to you,” Brian said pointing. “I can’t bend at the waist yet, so if it falls, it stays there.”
Ray reached for the pillow and put it behind Brian’s head. “Look, I know it’s been a hard year for us, but I’d really like to work it out. We were best friends once and—”
“If we’re such good friends, why’d you have to sell me out? I trusted you and you used me to make yourself look good.”
Unbelievable. Ray sat across from him with narrowed his eyes. “Is that what you think happened? That I sold you out?”
“Well, didn’t you?”
“No, man. Not at all. When things started getting crazy, I defended you. I even asked Dr. Jai if I could handle your case. I figured if I was involved, I could buy you more time and try to help you come to grips with what was going on. Obviously, I failed you.”
Brian seemed to consider this before responding. “What happened to me, Ray? And be straight.”
And there it was. Ray took a deep breath before answering. He didn’t want to hit Brian the same way he socked Rhonda. “This isn’t going to be easy. It may even be hard to believe.”
“I doubt anything you say could stun me.”
“We believe you may have schizophrenia.”
Brian blinked.
“It appears that for several months now, you’ve been living in a make-believe world.”
“Schizophrenia? But how’s that possible? I’m almost forty years old. Schizophrenia manifests itself in someone’s character in their early twenties.”
“I don’t know,” Ray ran his hand through his hair, “but that’s not the only thing that has us baffled.”
“What else?” Brian asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Well, your MRI didn’t come back conclusive. As I’m sure you know, with schizophrenia the lateral ventricles are enlarged. Though you show all the symptoms outwardly, yours aren’t any larger than a normal person’s.” Ray sat in the chair next to Brian and leaned forward. “You also show symptoms that resemble DID. We’re looking into that, too.”
“Well, I can’t be both.”
“Yes, but you’re also a human being, not a textbook. We’re trying to figure this out. But it could take some time.”
“Maybe I’m neither.”
Ray shrugged. “I don’t know, Brian. You have to be something. You know, as well as I do, that no one shows signs of altered realities without some sort of psychosis.” Ray sighed. “But the one thing that we’re pretty sure about is why it revealed itself.”
“Rhonda’s accident,” Brian said, matter-of-factly.
So, he was talking about the accident. Ray tried not to smile. “Yes, and as you know, schizophrenia is triggered by fear and… “
“What am I afraid of?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping you could shed some light on that. I assumed the accident triggered your condition, but I can’t explain the fear.”
Brian stared at the ceiling.
“The guilt you’ve harbored shows that you felt responsible for what happened. Maybe you feared what that could mean. Maybe it’s just the trauma of the whole thing. We’re doctors who work from theories. Like I said, people are not textbooks.”
“What was make-believe?” Brian asked.
“As far as I can tell, I would say the personalities of Lara, Jake, and Dr. Raven.”
Brian thought for a moment and then asked, “And I told you about all of those people?”
“You mentioned them on occasion, and I saw you talking a few times when you checked out.”
Brian struggled to turn on his side. “What have I put my wife through the past year? She must think I’m crazy.”
“She didn’t know.”
“But she knows now, right?”
“Yes,” Ray answered.
“So, when did she find out?”
Ray sighed. “After you shot yourself.”
Toying with his lip, Brian didn’t respond right away. Finally, he asked, “Can I ask who found me?”
“Danielle.”
His face went pale. “Is she OK?”
“Yeah.” Ray shifted in the chair, debating if he should say what he was thinking. “I have to admit, I thought the two of you were having an affair.”
“Danielle and me?” Brian shook his head. “No. I may have flirted a little, but I never had any real intention of doing anything. I think she kind of liked someone else.”
Ray tried not to smile. “Well, I know the truth.”
“What truth?”
“That you didn’t have an affair.”
Brian glanced away to the wall.
“What is it?”
Brian didn’t look at him. “I did. With a client.”
Adrenaline pumped through Ray’s veins. He must have heard wrong. “What did you say?”
“I kissed a client.”
Ray sat back, stunned. “Who?”
“Krissy Stephens. Jake’s girlfriend…” Brian stopped and wrinkled his brow. “How could that be, if Jake wasn’t real?”
Relief washed over Ray like a warm blanket. “She must have been just one more way to cope.”
“So, basically you’re saying I’m nuts.”
“Now, Brian, you know better than to put it that way.” Ray smirked. “But in psychological terms, yes.”
“Crazier than some of my
patients. That’s what Dr. Raven said.”
Ray’s smile faded. “So you remember him?”
“It comes and goes.” Brian wiped at the beads of perspiration that lazed on his upper lip. “Kind of like the memory of a bad dream.”
“I know there isn’t much I can say to comfort you. But I promise you’ll be getting some of the best counselors to help you get through this.”
Brian sighed. “But I’m done, right? I’ll never be on the counseling side of the couch again.”
“I don’t know. Only time and lots of prayer will tell.”
Brian shivered despite the tepid temperature.
“Are you OK?” Ray asked.
“I think I need a drink.”
Ray shook his head. “Not going to happen, my friend.”
“I know, but I must be having withdrawals.”
“How much do you think you drink a day?” Ray wasn’t sure he wanted that answer.
His friend pulled the covers to his chin and visibly shivered. “I don’t know. Probably a bottle.”
“A bottle of what? Of beer or whiskey?”
“The latter. But if you must know, I preferred bourbon.” Brian tried to smile, but his teeth chattered.
“For how long?” Ray grabbed an extra blanket from the empty bed, and placed it over him.
“I drank occasionally before. Not that Rhonda ever condoned it. But the downing of bottles...that has been since the accident.”
“A bottle a day for six months? You’re in for quite a ride.”
Brian’s head bobbed. “I know.”
Ray touched his head. “Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?”
His eyes welled up with tears. “Please,” he croaked.
“Then I won’t leave you until you’re snoring.” It hurt to see his friend so broken, but also a sense of peace had begun. A new hope that Brian was seeking help. Ray pushed the button on the bed which allowed Brian’s body to move down to the prone position. “Good dreams.”
“Right,” Brian laughed sarcastically, and allowed his eyes to close.
Ray sat back and watched Brian wrestle for two hours. Finally, his breathing slowed, and Ray breathed again.
****
“What was that?” Brian sat alone in his dimly lit hospital room. Sweat poured down his face, and yet, he couldn’t get warm. Every time he closed his eyes, he seemed to hallucinate.
Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw something. He turned his head side to side. His skin crawled. No! Spiders crawled all over him. Brian threw off the covers, batted at his skin, and scratched madly at his face, until it stung. He pushed the call button several times frantically.
The nurse flipped on the overhead light. “What’s wrong, Dr. Manifold?”
Brian looked up at her, panic-stricken. “Kill them!”
She glanced around the room nervously. “I’m sorry, what did you say, sir?”
“The spiders. Kill them, please!”
The nurse grabbed his chart from the door and cautiously approached with the clipboard held high over her head. She searched all around his bed, before responding. “I don’t see anything.”
“But they’re everywhere.”
The nurse glanced at the chart in her hand. “Oh.” She nodded. “I think you’re just experiencing the effects of alcohol withdrawal. Just try to relax, OK? I promise you. There aren’t any spiders in here.”
A furry creature rushed by his leg. How could he relax? “Can you give me something, please? I can’t sleep with insects crawling all over me.” He hit his neck, and then scratched at his arm.
The nurse shook her head. “I can’t give you anything, but the doctor will be doing his rounds in half an hour. I’ll have him stop by. OK?”
“Thank you,” Brian said, weakly.
She turned off the light, closed the door and left Brian to contend with his hairy, impalpable friends.
****
Danielle tossed around in her bed for hours. She opened her eyes for the umpteenth time. It was hopeless. She knew her body needed sleep, but her brain was vigilant. She couldn’t relax. Her heart was heavy for the Manifolds.
When Brian was catatonic, Rhonda probably thought it was only temporary. This current dilemma was far from temporary. Hours talking with Rhonda broke Danielle’s heart. First, Rhonda lost her child. Now her husband would be institutionalized. How would she survive?
A knock at the door made Danielle’s heart skip a beat. She glanced at the clock. Who would be here at this hour? Pulling on a robe, she looked through the peephole.
Rhonda.
Danielle unlocked the lock and chain, and opened the door. “Hello. Come on in.”
Rhonda offered a wan smile. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t sleep. Can I come in?”
“I couldn’t sleep, either.” She stepped back and allowed Rhonda to enter her small apartment. “Would you like some herbal tea? I have a few flavors.”
“That would be lovely,” Rhonda said.
They went into the kitchen, and Danielle put on a kettle of water.
“Thank you for the clothes.”
Danielle waved a hand in the air. “No worries.”
“Do you like chai?”
“Love it,” Rhonda said, pulling off her sweater. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m here, in your home, in the middle of the night.”
“I can guess.” Danielle grinned, set two teacups on the counter, and then went for the box of sweetener.
“This is going to sound crazy, but God told me to. He said there is something you’re supposed to tell me.” Rhonda pinched her lips together, letting her gaze drop to the counter.
It took only a moment for the answer to come to Danielle. “For the past month, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to some intense dreams. A sort of urgency to pray. I never knew for whom, or the reason. I just knew I was supposed to pray.” The teapot whistled, and she turned off the stove and poured water over the bags resting in the china bottoms.
“Go on,” Rhonda urged.
“Then tonight, I had the familiar stirring, only this time it was different. This time I saw your face. I was supposed to pray for you.”
Rhonda stopped mid-sip, and stared at her new friend.
“I know that’s odd. I hardly know you. But our God knows both us, and He knows our needs. The same Spirit Whom you asked for help, came to me in my sleep and asked me to pray.”
“Thank you.” Rhonda began to softly cry.
Danielle reached across the counter and touched her hand. “I promise to continue to pray, if you promise to not give up.”
Rhonda nodded.
The two women, practically strangers, hugged. It was as if they had known each other for years.
27
The first time it was spiders, and then ghosts. Now, Brian wasn’t sure what they were. He closed his eyes in an attempt to block them out, but they were there, too. He couldn’t stop shaking. He’d asked for something to help him sleep several times, but they hadn’t come yet.
A psychiatrist had seen him earlier to evaluate his condition and Brian assumed the man had told the staff to let Brian sweat out the withdrawals. He couldn’t be angry, because he might have done the same thing.
“I can’t do this!” Brian yelled at the dark.
“I told you,” a voice said from a gloomy shadow in his room.
Working to clear the sweat dripping into his eyes, Brian squinted, but saw nothing. “Who’s there?”
Silence.
“Come on. I’ve got enough problems. Just tell me who you are?”
Silence.
Brian frantically pushed the nurse’s call button. The sound of feet clomped down the corridor.
Brian sighed with relief when the door opened.
A different nurse than before flipped on the overhead light.
Brian glanced at her, and then back to the corner.
Nothing.
“What’s wrong, sir?�
�
Brian continued to watch the corner. Where could it have gone? What had goaded him?
“Sir?”
He glanced at the woman, not really wanting to look away from the corner. “Can you leave the light on?” he asked.
The nurse glanced at the corner suspiciously. “Sure,” she replied. “Is that all?”
“Can I have something to knock me out? I asked earlier and the nurse said a half hour. It’s been at least two hours.” His voice shook, as he added, “I really need it.”
“Let me check with the doctor. I’ll be right back.”
The nurse left, and Brian stared back at the corner. “I know you’re there, coward.” He studied the room.
In the corner sat a mauve metal chair and a small gray trashcan. To his left a TV, a shelf, and to the right, a window and a bathroom door. Even though the room appeared empty, he wasn’t convinced. Voices still echoed in his mind.
Ray had said that Brian was possibly schizophrenic and if Ray was right, then it could be assumed that Brian would hear voices. He would also hallucinate. Not to mention, Brian was in detox.
The soft patter of the nurse’s shoes approached his room.
The thought comforted him.
She entered with a white pill cup and a glass of water. “Here, take these.”
Brian’s hand trembled as he brought the glass to his mouth. Some water spilt out, but he managed to get the small, pink pills down his throat. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now, I hope you can sleep.” She turned to go.
“Wait.”
“Yes, Dr. Manifold?”
“Do you have to go?”
She stared at him for a moment, before answering. “I’m sorry, sir, but I have to make some rounds.”
“Yes, of course. I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time adjusting.”
“I understand. I’ll come back and check on you in a few minutes. But hopefully, those pills will have kicked in by then.”
Brian nodded.
“Do you still want me to leave the light on?”
“Yes, please.”
She nodded and closed the door.
Alone again.
Brian looked around the room, relieved that his eyes felt heavy.
Dark Cognitions Page 17
