by C. C. Kelly
“Right, so?”
“So, so vampires are way, way older than Moses, so, uh - crosses don’t do a goddamn thing to us, pun intended.”
Tim watched Holly listen, her eyes sparkling in the candlelight, an increasingly pleasant distraction.
“We are, like, any other species on earth. Well, we are the top species, top of the food chain so to speak, king of the jungle and all that, but still, just another critter filling one of Darwin’s niche’s.”
“I think the idea is that you are evil, children of Satan, that sort of thing.”
“Satan? Nope, no Satan.”
“Isn’t it a Curse?”
“I suppose you could call it that, though most vampires think of it as a blessing, so we may have a perspective issue here, just saying.”
“So religion has nothing to do with anything?”
“Nothing at all, well, our enemies over the centuries have usually been Church cultists, but vampires as a species, nope.”
“What makes you a vampire then? I mean, if it isn’t Satan or a curse, is it a virus?”
“Actually, that’s the best way to think about it. When you’re turned into a vampire, it’s like a fundamental change at the DNA level or something. A very small change I’m told, but enough.”
“How long does it take? To change I mean?”
“Perhaps we should save that discussion for a different day?”
“Or evening?”
Tim smiled, “Yes, or evening.”
“So what’s it really like?”
“Can’t really explain what it’s like, but I can tell you the real stuff.”
Holly rested her chin back on her hands and stared wide eyed fawning attention, but to be honest, she was rather curious.
“Stop that,” Tim said
Holly grinned, but didn’t stop.
“Okay, the real stuff. First off - the blood thing?”
She stared expectantly.
“Yep, totally true. Any mammal’s blood works, but something about human blood makes it tastier, more nutritious - less fatty or something.”
Holly smirked, but didn’t interrupt.
“Like, you can live on cheap grocery store tacos, but a real Mexican is better.”
“You mean Mexican food?”
“What did I say?”
“Never mind,” Holly found her cheeks beginning to ache from all of the grinning.
Tim looked slightly bewildered, Holly thought it charming.
“Are you stronger than humans?”
“Way, we are wicked strong, really, fast and strong. Not throw cars around strong or break the sound barrier fast mind you. Ever notice that in the shows, like True Blood? Vampires go running off clear across the goddamn county in like a second, defying physics and natural laws.”
“Natural laws? Seriously? You’re a vampire, what do natural laws have to do with anything? Besides, I totally love that show and I don’t care what you say about it.”
“I bet you do, probably like Jessica the best, huh?”
“Maybe. I see I’m not the only one watching. So that reminds me, what about werewolves? Oh, or other supernatural stuff?” Holly wiggled her fingers in the air as she asked.
“Yeah, there’s weird stuff out there.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t understand all of it anymore than you do. Vampires sense things at a deeper level than humans, but doesn’t mean we get it.”
Holly thought about that for a moment, “And werewolves?”
“Well, we don’t have an eternal fucking feud with them.”
“Does that mean they are real?
“I didn’t say that.”
“Inferred?”
“Not necessarily.”
“You’re being intentionally irritating. Honestly, are they real or not?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll protect me if any unreal werewolves show up?”
“Yes,” he said it quickly and earnestly.
Holly’s heart skipped a beat just then, she was warm all over. She studied his face again. He was very ordinary this Tim. She felt that if she took her eyes off of him in a crowd, she would never be able to spot him again, but then again, there was something about him that touched her and she couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Can I ask you a question?” she prodded.
“Sure.”
“Why do you swear all the time and talk and act like this? It’s not you, I can tell. And what’s the deal with that cap?”
Tim smiled, “No comment, but the swearing, it bothers you?”
“Yes, seems unnecessary don’t you think, for someone your age I mean? You sound like you are on one of those reality television shows.”
“I apologize and shall try to refrain from such vulgarities in the future,” he smiled and tilted his head toward her in fealty.
“And take off that hat!” she laughed.
Tim reached up and pulled off the cap and let his brown nondescript hair fall to his shoulders and ran his fingers through it.
“Better?”
“Better,” she replied, “you desperately need some conditioner though,” she paused and tilted her head slightly, curls falling across her shoulder, “You know I can’t let the ‘no comment’ thing go right, why the act?”
Tim’s eyes drifted across the room at the other couples, and then sighed. He wanted to share, wanted her to know more, but at the same time he was scared. He suddenly felt very foolish.
“Remember I said I was with the circus for a while?”
“Yes.”
“So this was nineteen forty-seven. We were traveling through New Mexico, Oklahoma and up into Kansas. It was hot that summer. We traveled around in trucks and put up small tent cities for the shows. Sometimes we had our own tent, sometimes we shared. The circus back then was full of misfits, you know?
“People coming and going, like castaways from the rest of society, sometimes they got rescued, most didn’t. I felt, it was like home in a way. Not like back in Mass, but I belonged just the same.
“Mass? You mean Massachusetts? Is that where you’re from?”
He nodded his head and then continued, “Anyway, this guy shows up one day outside of Clovis, don’t know where he came from or where he disappeared to at the end of the summer. He was really tall, a giant back then, maybe six foot seven or eight, and solid, not fat, but, you know - solid. He was a clown, always had his makeup on, white face, red lips, some green and red designs around his eyes, red tipped nose and a red Mohawk,” Tim motioned with his hands as he explained.
“Sounds scary.”
“He was intimidating for most people, before you got to know him, but the kids saw right through it - they loved him on sight, they followed him around like the Pied Piper. The thing is - he was kind and gentle and always working to make people laugh. No, not just laugh - it was more than that, deeper. But he wasn’t entertaining, spreading good will or whatever just at the shows, but everywhere, he was always like that all the time. Not sure what his name was, we called him Ayjay.”
“A.J.?”
“No, like ‘Hey Jay!’, but one word, Ayjay.”
“So you were friends?”
“In a way, but not really. You know, probably as good of friends as we could be under the circumstances.”
“What circumstances?”
“I’ll try to explain. See, the shows could be dangerous back then, not sure if they still are, I don’t go anymore. But I watched him save three kids outside of Tulsa. An elephant got spooked and took off towards the seats, and this guy just comes out of nowhere and grabs these three kids in his great big arms, like he was waiting for it or something. They were maybe six or seven years old, little guys, you know?
“All of a sudden he was just there and then the kids are safe and out of the way, but this guy, he goes down under the elephant - gets rolled really bad. We all thought he was dead for sure. It was ugly. So we all run in, stop the show and slide him onto a blank
et and carry him back up to old Doc Smith’s tent.
“Now the Doc, he was a crotchety ass, but he kept everyone stitched together pretty well, so we put up with him. Anyway, he sends us all out and then there he is later that day, Ayjay I mean - smiling and being silly for the kids like nothing ever happened.”
“I don’t understand.”
“That’s just it, none of us did. I could sense his pulse was almost gone, he should have died. He did that three times that summer.”
“What, nearly died or saved other people?”
“The saving thing, all kids - five of them. The first time was the second day he was with us, then that day with the elephant and one more time up in Kansas, the day before he disappeared. I remember him giving me a weird look that day, a funny smile - like he knew something I didn’t. It was only the one time in Oklahoma that he got hurt. Like I said, it was as if he was waiting for the accidents, you know? Like he knew something, he was a saint if there ever was one Holly.
“So friends? Not so much. You couldn’t get close, not close like that anyway. But respect? Yeah. The thing was, the kicker I mean, was I’ve never met a more broken man in my life. It was tragic.”
“Broken how? Disabled?”
“No, his soul. He had secrets, dark ones. They were like a wall. Some of us could feel it; I felt it most of all, what with my condition and all. I don’t know what crushed this poor guy, but it was evil, I know that. Unmerciful.”
“Evil? I’m sorry, you’re being cryptic.”
“I don’t mean to be. I spent a lot of time with him that summer. He stayed with me for a while, you know in my tent, and he never once left character, always cheerful always living the role. I’m pretty sure his makeup was tattooed on, permanent. I felt some strange stuff with him around.”
“Like what?”
“Vibes, ‘The Willies’ people used to call it. We should have all been scared of him, even me. Like I said, he carried something evil around with him.
“I hadn’t thought much about it since, but now that I connect the dots so to speak, there was a lot of weird stuff that happened that summer.”
“Weirder than what you just told me?”
“Yeah, I mean no,” Tim took a breath and then began again, “We had a bearded lady with the show, Lucy. Lucy Tradell, she was beautiful, but had some condition so her face was pretty much, well - bearded. Anyway, Jake Stumper was a supplier for us. Followed the show around in an old rusted pick-up and bought and sold rope, wire, tenting, just stuff we needed.”
“Let me guess, he was sweet on her?”
“Oh yeah,” Tim laughed softly remembering, “He kept asking her to marry him, but she felt unworthy or something, always said no. Then one day, I guess it was around the fourth, she lost her beard.”
Holly laughed, “Lost it?”
“Well, she was cured of her condition I guess. She ran off with Jake the same day.”
“You think Ayjay did it, cured her somehow?”
“Yeah, I do. I didn’t think about it at the time, but now, yeah. Maybe he was atoning that summer.”
“Atoning?”
“For past sins, something bad he had done or whatever, spreading happiness around. But through it all he taught me something,” Tim said through a suddenly sullen expression.
Holly listened with concern at his mood change.
“Why do I dress like this? It’s my costume, my role. Just like Ayjay, I don’t think about the past, all of the bad stuff. I stay in character, the clown, the misfit, the one who doesn’t remember. It’s like armor or a shield. Maybe today I’ll help someone, maybe I won’t. Maybe, I just don’t know. Maybe it keeps the evil at bay or lets me forget about it. Like AA, I won’t remember today.”
“Are you atoning? For your past sins?”
“Maybe. I’m not the saint Ayjay was. I’ve done some things I wished I hadn’t and other things I don’t want to think about or be reminded of, this helps. That may sound stupid or cowardly, but I don’t give a f-, it doesn’t bother me. Reliving tragedy does. So there it is.”
He finished and looked away, eyes glistening in the candlelight, jaw clenching.
“I don’t think you are being any of those things,” she reached across the table and gingerly touched the back of his hand, “Its something else though isn’t it, not past deeds, something else?”
Her fingertips were electric. He pressed his face into his free hand and then ran his hand back across his brow and through his hair and sighed.
“You said being a vampire was amazing, I don’t understand? You don’t sound happy.”
“Not at the moment, but I think that’s going to change soon enough,” he sighed again and then gave Holly a gentle smile, “It is incredible, but like everything else, it has a dark side.”
Tim’s smile faded to a shallow grimaced as a new silence settled over the table; he was a different person now. And she understood, at least in part, the transformation. He was still closed off; hiding behind his own walls, but the emotion was there, the unexpected vulnerability. She wanted to know more of him and what he was hiding, and she thought she knew, so she asked.
“Can it be someday yet?”
Tim looked into those deep brown eyes again and they held an insistence in them, a quiet confidence - an expectation, but mostly they were brimming with compassion. He studied her face and then returned his gaze to her eyes and then looked through her, past the circus days, before the wars, even before the turning - into the old days and somberly nodded.
He spoke softly, Holly had to lean in and almost still her breathing lest she miss something.
“It was mostly wonderful. Everything was slower, calmer and more chaotic at the same time. There was plenty of time to read and relax and having fun took no effort at all. I worked the wharves in Boston before, before this,” he said motioning to himself.
“Mostly?”
“Well everything smelled pretty bad and depending on where you were, there was always violence in the air, you know? Looking back, a sense of danger hung over everything, but even then it was exciting. I think partly due to the danger, but also due to the unknown. Remember, no one had really been out West yet, not really. Africa was unknown. The world was still a mysterious and mostly unexplored place back then. Medicine was still more voodoo than science.”
“I’m imagining all the tall ships in the harbor, masts reaching up, people working everywhere, ships sailing out to sea with the wind in their sails, it sounds so romantic.”
“Romantic? Maybe, at the time it was hard work, but to be fair, it was honest work. Then, then I became a vampire and everything changed, for the better I think - no, to spite what I just said - I know. Everything is more vivid, sounds more distinct, senses heightened. Like I said, it’s impossible to explain really.”
“What about your family? They were in Massachusetts?”
“Yeah, we lived in the country, small farm west of Boston,” Tim’s eyes were downcast as he spoke. “I remember we had a few barn cats, a cow and a few chickens. I guess we were well off for the time. My parents, a brother, two sisters and me lived there, worked there - it was our life. Then one night some Indians or outlaws, I don’t know, someone came. My father hid us, but I was the only one left come morning.”
Holly was touched, “They died?”
“I buried my brother and father and put up markers for them, never saw my sisters or mother again. Not sure what happened there and not sure I want to, you know? I always thought I should have searched for them, but I was only twelve and human at the time. I didn’t even know where or how to start. Three hundred years of grief and regret would be one of those down sides I was talking about.”
Holly nodded with moist eyes and reached across the table again and took Tim’s hand in her own, squeezing lightly.
Tim loved the softness of her skin, the gentle touch of her fingers - the warmth.
“Yeah, so then I made my way to Boston, lived on the streets and when I was a litt
le older went to work on the wharves. Hauling stuff mostly, but learned a little bit about your tall ships and sailing. I was happy I guess, had a roof, food and lots of drink,” he winked, “and then one night I met a girl who changed me forever, the vampire Tim now at your service.”
“What happened?”
“Now that, I don’t want to talk about, it wasn’t bad, just deeply personal, I can’t explain it.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“You didn’t, its fine,” he said toying with his napkin with his free hand.
“What about after?”
“Think about it, I watched the birth of a nation and of a people. I watched history happen. The things you read about in books, I lived - I saw General Washington speak, Lincoln too.
“I fought in the Civil War and The Great War, sat out the second one. I watched Gone with the Wind on opening night in Atlanta.”
Holly gasped, “I love that movie, this is all breathtaking, and to think you saw it all, lived it all.”
“Well, a lot of it anyway. Some of it was hard, but overall it was incredible. Riding a horse and then switching to automobiles. Watching the moon landings and now we have cell phones and the internet. I wish I could share it with you somehow.”
“This is overwhelming. Did you travel, I always wanted to, but never got a chance on my salary.”
“Library not doing it for you, huh? Travel? I’ve been everywhere, every continent, hunted lions and rhinos in Africa, with a rifle and without. It’s been lonely some of the time, fun at other times.”
“Did you, do you have a girlfriend or whatever you call them?”
“When I was turned I did, but she couldn’t understand or accept me, so I had to flee the city for a while. I wasn’t sure how to defend myself and couldn’t bring myself to hurt anyone - nearly starved to death, well not death exactly, but you get the idea.”
“What about the one who made you a vampire? Didn’t they help you? Or were you attacked? I’m sorry, you said…”
“No, nothing like that, its okay. Circumstances, just circumstances - wasn’t her fault, but no, I was alone for a while there.”
“And after?” Holly nudged.
“Two. One human, the other a vampire, both long gone now. I can tell you one unpleasant thing about being a vampire, emotions run deeper than in humans, way deeper. You never quite get over the loss, that’s why most of us bury those feelings and don’t have relationships like that.” He pulled at his jacket to remind her of his costume, the clown, and then reached for the napkin again.
