The alternative was to keep my newfound injury;
My restful, sloth lifestyle.
I would still be able to reap the benefits of the farm
Without having to work.
He went on to say that I had until the next morning
To make my choice.
He placed my hand on a nearby table.
I replied that I did not believe him.
My comments angered him,
He immediately morphed into his spirit-like state
And hovered above my bed.
The incident was too much for me to comprehend.
I sank further down into my bed and
Pulled my blanket up over my head.
I shivered uncontrollably
As I felt his presence getting closer to me.
He must have taken my denial for eye contact as an insult.
He physically ripped the blanket from my clutches.
Being exposed to him struck me with instant fear.
I was not about to open my eyes
To witness what I believed to be in front of me.
I felt my body being lifted from my bed
For a brief moment and twisted within the air.
I kept my eyes tightly sealed
Until the duration of the event had subsided.
I sensed that the evil aura was no longer near.
I peered from beneath my tightly closed eye lids
And noticed that I was alone.
The conversation ended as quickly as it had begun.
With Belphegor out of my room,
I ran through my options,
It was quite difficult with my old hand pulsating on the table.
My hand was still alive just separated from the rest of my body.
My mind remained in control of my severed limb.
I witnessed my fingers move and bend from afar.
I was able to think about forming a fist,
The hand would follow through with the orders.
Whenever I believed that I was dreaming,
I needed only to look upon the table.
I was not very diligent with the goal presented to me.
I viewed it as a task and much like the other tasks on the farm,
I gave no energy to it.
My mind had followed my physical attributes
Down the bothersome path of laziness.
I decided to postpone my answer and
Retire for the night.
Belphegor had given me until the morning for my answer,
So I did not need to decide at that moment.
Why should I have bothered with the confusion?
I told myself that I would be in a better mood in the morning;
More apt to apply energy to the situation.
I awoke late in the morning
With the sun already high in the sky.
As I gravitated towards the window to look out over the farm,
I was reminded about the choice I had to make.
I still was undecided.
The art of work alone had become tiresome for me.
Someone asking me to do something
Was even more dreaded within my eyes.
I did not want to achieve anything for myself.
Why would I want to achieve anything for anyone else?
I viewed people as pesky insects;
I just wanted to swat them away.
I remember when I was open to the offerings
Especially when I was in town.
I wasted no time with helping people,
Even listening to what they had to say.
Everybody needed something from me
And now I only wanted to be left alone.
It reached the point where I desired no contact with them.
If I needed something from the town, I would send Belphegor.
If I needed to meet with customers, I would send Belphegor.
My outlook on competition had also changed.
I no longer gazed upon rivals as a challenge,
Rather as an insult to my character.
I never use to have resentment towards others.
I had grown to hate people, customers and competitors so much.
It was easier to remain in bed than to risk having a conversation with one of them.
Belphegor was different
As obviously he was not human.
That was the reason why I got along with him so well.
He was not like the others.
He demanded nothing from me;
Allowed me to be alone at the same time.
He never once asked me for a favor
Nor to help him with anything.
He just let me be.
It was the perfect relationship.
I believe that I could not have had with anyone else.
Everyone else caused me stress to even look upon.
I did not forget that he was a shape shifting demon
Who cut off my hand, but rather focused on the positive aspects.
I was allowed to live off of his labor and profit from it.
I was willing to overlook the events of the other night
As long as he continued completing his daily tasks.
The farm no longer needed me as it did in the past.
My suggestions were pointless and lacked enthusiasm.
All of the enhancements that benefited the farm came from Belphegor.
I was satisfied with that.
Developing a new idea took too much energy.
I still was the controller of the farm and all enhancements.
Most were approved without much thought
In order to speed up the process.
I entrusted in the ideas portrayed by my friend.
I no longer believed that he was there to help me.
I believed that he was there to ease my life.
He made everything easy for me.
He removed burdens from my life
By handling all aspects of the farm.
I came to the brutal recognition that
My help was no longer needed on the farm.
I believed that was fair, as long as I continued
To receive the profits of Belphegor’s labor.
I started to leave my room,
But had the feeling that I was forgetting something.
I looked to the table but my hand was no longer there.
I had apparently slept through my deadline for my choice
Since I did not attach my hand, I obviously chose the latter.
I was not upset at allowing my physical state to answer for me
I was going to choose my new livelihood anyways.
I viewed the whole situation with my hand and
The question regarding it would affect others in a different way,
But it did not bother me.
I had not used that particular hand in awhile.
If losing it was the worst that would happen
Then I was satisfied with that.
The idea of never having to work again
While profiting from the farm was a hard choice not to make.
Eventually, I ventured outside and
Saw that the farm was in working order.
I strolled over to the storage unit and
Saw that it was completely filled to capacity with wheat.
My next stop was the tool shed
That was unaltered by the vibrations of the other night.
I peered inside and noticed the shiny clean tools.I then walked along the irrigation system and
Followed it to each field
The sparkling water flowed within the oak canals.
All of the fields were so beautiful and compacted with wheat.
The current state of the farm was something to behold.
Everything was in perfect order,
I dared not touch anything.
All I saw from the farm was not the quality of the wheat.
By me not lifting a finger.
I walked back up to the house and
Noticed Belphegor loading up a wooden cart.
As I got closer to him,
I found that he was packing up his belongings.
I asked him what he was doing.
He responded that his time on the farm had ended.
I immediately went into a confused state.
He interrupted me and said that I had made my choice.
I tried to decipher as to how my choice involved him, but
I could not reach a verdict.
He read my confusion and
Stated that he was never here to help me with the farm,
But rather to help me choose.
He held up my severed limb and tossed it into my chest.
Instead of the once healthy appearance,
The hand was rotted and decayed in color.
I dropped it to the ground as soon as I came into contact with it.
The cold touch of it disgusted me.
Belphegor smiled at my reaction.
He thanked me for my decision, but
I told him I still did not understand.
He tried to comfort me by being very blunt in his words.
He said that he helps people to realize
That there was more to life than work;
That he tests the limits of their work ethic.
He informed me that he was only here for one task;
Not the irrigation system,
Not the storage shed
Not to cleanse tools.
His only task was to push the boundaries
Of my strong work ethic and exploit it for weaknesses.
He told me the results of his findings
Was that my work ethic started off strong.
He continued to say that the gradual lessening of my daily work
Was when he noticed a decrease in energy.
He increased his own work load in order to suffocate mine.
He saw his task threatened when I was cleansing the tools and
Feared a rebound, so he took my hand.
That proved to be the event that would derail me
Further into laziness with no hope of returning.
I pleaded with him to stay.
I asked him how I could possibly
Profit from the farm without him here.
He replied that I would be able to reap the profits
Without working for a few days
Before the tasks needed tending to.
I desperately bent down to retrieve my hand
Eagerly trying to connect it back on my arm.
I begged him to give me my work ethic back,
He informed me that he could only take and not give.
He reminded me that I had a choice.
My newly found attitude chose for me.
I dropped to my knees while holding my hand
And continued to beg him, but
He ignored my plea and focused on packing his belongings.
His once friendly personality looked to me with no remorse.
There was a time when he would do anything to help me,
He now turned away when I needed him the most.
I watched him walk away;
I was left alone on a highly productive farm
With no work ethic and one working hand.
I spent the next few days
As he said reaping the benefits of the completed tasks.
I not only lived off of the land,
I had been living off of Belphegor as well.
I could no longer support
My livelihood with my current personality.
I had adapted to require the labor of others.
That was the very trait that disgusted me in the past.
I dwelled within it and admired it so much
It would change the outcome of my productivity.
I never thought that Belphegor would leave.
I assumed he would stay on the farm forever, but
That would not be the case.
In the past, I was able to oversee the farm
And duties all by myself,
However, the increase in production was too much.
I should have at least checked on the supply
During the few days following Belphegor’s departure,
I opted to sleep instead.
My once strong work ethic was in such disarray.
My laziness continued well after the wheat crop ran out.
The output of my farm decreased.
It was felt by the towns that I supplied.
I did not realize how many people depended on my product
Until my farm stopped furnishing them.
I could hear people complaining and knocking on my door.
They meant nothing to me.
I only viewed them as beggars and trespassers.
I misread how my work level affected others,
At the same time I did not care.
I fully intended on supplying them with wheat
When I managed to get around to it.
Over time my prosperous fields
Became overgrown with weeds and shrubs
That choked the life from the beautiful crops.
The algae infested canals of the irrigation system
Clogged the flow of water.
My productive farm had deteriorated and wasted away.
New rival farms formed all around and
Fulfilled the demands of the people as
I could not provide for them anymore.
I wanted nothing more but to provide a high quality product
For the citizens of the region
Through my strong work ethic and excellent crop.
But at that moment, I only wanted to sleep.
~
I am growing tired of writing now.
The darkness of the cave and
The constant flickering of the candle
Wears heavy on my eyes.
The frustration of not knowing
The details of the events
That I transcribe about is increasing within me.
The ability to read my own pages
Would help me with the boredom that I often feel.
I am finding myself very lonely
Especially since my shadowy friends
Are diminishing; another one has vanished.
I suppose I should view this in a positive manner,
Instead I feel sorrow for their departure.
It is difficult to have a positive demeanor
On my situation as there is not much to look forward to
Within my darkened cave.
I am somewhat saddened
That I am alone with my thoughts.
I never imagined life without any companionship
Would be this devastating on my mind.
If only I could converse with a single living organism.
My friends in the shadow get me by,
But they do not respond to me.
I try to befriend them,
Even greeted them on one occasion, but
It appears that my acknowledgment
Frightens them deeper into the darkness.
Am I not allowed to ask
For the simple conversation
So that my mind stays healthy?
I know no one will answer me and
It fills my heart with emptiness;
My mind with severe depression
To know that I am the only one
Who will respond to my words.
I am starting to question
My understanding of my situation.
My religious beliefs are also changing
As I believe more due to my present state.
However questions still plague my mind and
Cloud my judgment about the heavens.
If there is a God, the
n why is there suffering on the planet?
Why do people hunger and thirst?
Some things are beyond my realm of thought, but
That does not stop me from pondering the questions.
If I could just walk outside of this cave;
Breathe air that is not comprised of dirt and dust.
I promise I would not venture far,
I just desire to feel the warmth of the sun
Or even the cool wet of rain.
I am growing so tired of my surroundings.
My mind is beginning to lose control.
I often find myself laughing uncontrollably for no reason.
My mind is budding with more power.
It feeds from the confinement.
I am still in control, but I have to scold my mind
To stop the rapid patterns of thought.
I know it is working against me and
Trying to lure me into a chaotic state.
Sometimes it is tempting to release my control,
To allow it to guide my soul,
But my body resists the notion.
The thought patterns and rapid images
Are so strong that I pound on my head
To relinquish them, but fail.
If I close my eyes,
The images worsen and become more realistic.
They are showing me visions of death
That are so vivid they are producing emotions
Of sadness and despair.
Is it not enough that I am confined
And stricken of my life to be a servant?
Provide me with my sanity;
Provide with an understanding.
I do not ask for much,
I only ask for some sort of consultation.
Please slow my mind so that I may relinquish the battle within.
Please make them stop, I beg of you.
I have done all you have asked of me.
Please spare my mind from any wrath
You may require of me as the pressure is intense.
I need release;
I need to get the thoughts out of my head.
If no one will help me,
Then I will take matters into my own hands.
I will use the solid wall of the cave
The Sinner 01 The Sinner Page 11
