She flinched and shook her head.
“Evelyn, do you really love Jim? Because if you do, you need to tell him so that he can understand what’s going on.”
“I know. I just can’t right now. Everything is so complicated.” Evelyn tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Sterling was right, but part of her still felt ashamed about what had happened.
“I know you hate talking about it,” Sterling said. “It makes my blood boil if I think about it too long, but that’s exactly why you need to tell Jim and not worry about his reaction.”
Sterling knew her so well. He understood her fears. That’s what made it so difficult for Evelyn to stick with her decision. “I’ll try to talk to him.” She remembered the question Sterling had asked her. “And, yes, I do love Jim. When we were married, it was the happiest day of my life. Jim and I belonged together—that’s what everyone said. But then he was gone and you came along and were everything I needed. It was the truth when I said that I fell in love with two men.”
“I love you, too, Evelyn.” Sterling embraced her and kissed her gently. “I’ll always honor your heart.”
Evelyn whispered, “Thank you for being there for me, through all of this.”
He kissed her once more then cleared his throat and stepped back, picking up his guitar. “I guess we’d better get practicing, but there’s something that has come up.” He tightened the strings on his guitar and gave her a worried look. “My uncle is coming into town and I might not be able to make it the night of the performance. I talked to Frank and he said that he has a new guy who plays guitar. His name is Travis, and I’ve already shown him the chords.” His words came out in a rush. “Will you be okay with that?”
Evelyn stared at him for a moment, trying to sort through what he was telling her. She nodded. “Of course, it should be fine. I don’t want you to miss seeing your family.”
“I’m hoping I can still make it here, but I wanted you to know just in case.”
“Okay, thanks for working everything out for me,” Evelyn said. Could she sing without Sterling? He’d only said that he might be gone, so he’d probably still be there to play for her. And if he isn’t, that would make Jim happy. She felt guilty for the thought as soon as it came.
Sterling strummed the guitar and she began singing. Somehow she managed to make it through a few runs of the song, but by the time Harold came back to pick her up, she couldn’t hold in the tears.
“There now.” Her father hugged her when they got home. “Once you make your decision you’ll feel better. It’s this going back and forth that’s hurting your heart.”
She knew her dad was right. As long as she held onto both Jim and Sterling, no one could be happy. She was living her life in limbo.
She kissed Danny good night and stood in front of the bureau gazing into the mirror. When Jim first came home it was easy to pull out her wedding ring, put it on, and say that she was his wife. But handing over her heart had turned out to be much harder than she’d expected. Part of her was afraid to believe Jim was really there to stay—she worried that something might happen to snatch him away, and so she’d driven him away before anything else could.
The fingers of her left hand were slender, but the ring still fit perfectly. The diamond Sterling had wanted to give her flashed through her consciousness and she shook her head. Knowing that Sterling was there gave her a warped sense of security because if things didn’t work out with Jim, she’d always have Sterling. But she couldn’t do that to Sterling. Evelyn looked in the mirror, deep into the coffee-colored depths of her eyes. There was strength inside her. If only she could find the courage to make her choice.
Chapter 30 ~ Thin Ice
December 1945 ~ Jim
A sound entered Jim’s sleep; a rapping or thumping noise pulled him from dreams of chasing Evelyn. He sat up in bed and groaned. The clock ticked, moving steadily toward midnight. The first night at the inn had been terrible. Jim’s hands still ached from pounding at his headstone with a sledgehammer. Two more nights had done nothing to improve his mood.
There it was again. The noise—it was a knock at his door.
“Coming,” he grumbled and pulled on his trousers. As he turned the handle, his heart beat double-time. Had Evelyn found him? Would she take him back? When he opened the door, the blood pulsed through his veins even faster. His mother-in-law stood outside the door, her face drawn in lines of concern and heartache.
Jim slumped back against the wall, leaving the door hanging ajar. Marie had come to tell him that his wife didn’t want him anymore. He felt a hand on his arm and focused on the words Marie spoke. A gentle squeeze of her hand clarified her statement.
“I’ve come to help you. I know Evelyn loves you.”
Jim blinked and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. She loves Sterling more.”
“Do you want your wife back or not?” Marie demanded. She pushed past Jim and turned on the lamp in the shabby room. “Don’t worry about competing with Sterling right now.”
Jim closed the door and slouched onto the edge of the bed. “What do you mean? He’s the one standing in my way.”
“You need to talk to Evelyn. If she trusts you, she’ll choose you. She’s already chosen you anyway. Her heart never left you. It’s been so difficult for her because she’s worried about what will happen to Sterling if she leaves him alone. Sterling is the one who saved her.”
“Saved her?”
Marie pursed her lips and Jim noticed how her hand trembled when she lifted it to her brow.
“With everything happening, she hasn’t been able to bring herself to tell you. She blames herself for what happened, no matter that it’s about as far from the truth as possible.”
Jim held up his hands and clenched his fists. “How can I get her to trust me? Whatever’s happened to her has changed her—she’s afraid of me.”
“I know it seems that way, but it’s not you she’s afraid of.”
Jim thrust his hands through his hair and sighed. “How can I win her back when I don’t know what’s going on?”
“For starters, you need to apologize for the other night. You scared her out of her wits.”
Jim folded his arms. “I know it was drastic, but I meant it. I can’t believe she would run to him while she’s wearing my ring.”
“Don’t let your pride keep you from doing what needs to be done,” Marie said. “Love and pride can’t live in the same heart.”
The creases in Jim’s brow deepened and he stared at the floor. Marie walked to the door and gripped the handle. “Don’t wait too long. She practiced with Sterling last night and came home crying. She’s singing on Friday at the lounge and it’s your song she’ll be singing.”
~*~
The fibers of the carpet swam before his eyes as the click of the door reverberated in his mind. Jim lay back on the bed and gazed at the ceiling. The anger roiling in his chest had lost its steam. He should have been more careful with her, but he didn’t know what he was up against.
He showered and tried to ignore the smell of his clothes. He gave the last of his cash to the frail-looking man at the counter and left the inn. The sun seared his bloodshot eyes, and the white of the snow blinded him for a moment.
With one glance at the seedy bar next to the inn, Jim trudged back to the house filled with completely different emotions than he’d left with a few days before.
He found Evelyn in the kitchen, a ragged blue apron covering her green housedress. When she saw Jim, the plate she had been washing clattered in the sink. Her eyes were red, and the skin around them looked splotchy. Danny pushed his wooden train along the floor making motor sounds as he drove around her legs.
“Evelyn, I’m sorry.”
The current of tension running through the kitchen didn’t go unnoticed by Danny. He stopped and looked from Evelyn to Jim. “Hi, hi,” he said.
Jim smiled and knelt down. “Hi Danny, I’ve missed you.” He reached into his pocket. “I brought you
something.”
Danny squealed when Jim handed him a small metal airplane painted steel-gray with the bright red-and-white colors of a US flag emblazoned on the side.
Jim touched the wingtips and then the end of Danny’s nose. “Daddy used to fly up in the clouds in an airplane like this.” Danny giggled and Jim smiled.
The dishtowel Evelyn held was wound as tight as a crank, she let go when Jim looked at her, and the towel swung from side to side as it unwound. She wanted to speak, but the words stayed lodged in her parched throat, raw from crying too many tears over her husband.
After practice with Sterling last night, she’d promised herself to give Jim a fair chance by telling him about Harlan the next time she saw him. She had cried over whether the next time would come when Jim still hadn’t returned that afternoon. The resolve she had felt only hours ago seemed to crumble as the tension increased.
Jim stood and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m really sorry about the other day. For yelling at you—for that morning in your bedroom. When I held you, I felt like no time had passed at all and we were back in Colorado Springs in that little apartment.” He lifted his head to meet her eyes and murmured. “It seemed like only our love kept those walls standing.”
One corner of Evelyn’s mouth lifted and he chuckled. “I remembered how it felt to kiss you and hold you and I kind of lost my head. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
He moved to take a step closer to her and then halted. “Maybe I should just go. I went too far with that headstone.”
Evelyn tried to think how to explain why she had flinched when he began moving toward her. He had seen it, and the ease of the moment was gone. The blood pulsed in her ears as she pushed the faces of Sterling and Harlan from her mind and tried to focus on Jim.
“No, please don’t. You were right.”
“Can you tell me why you’re afraid of me?” The strain in Jim’s voice seemed to add an extra layer of tension to the air.
Evelyn bit her lip to keep it from trembling. She wanted to tell him that she feared all men, even the closeness she shared with Sterling held its own fragility. She wanted to tell him how she felt—like she was walking along a thin sheet of ice, and with each step the sound of the pressure on the ice increased. Her heart was as delicate as the ice with its jagged lines of superficial cracks threatening to shatter at any moment, breaking wide and swallowing her whole.
But if she told him, would he recoil? Would he blame her for getting herself into the predicament like some of her own friends had? Evelyn shuddered. What if he thought she secretly longed to be with another man and so hadn’t been forceful enough to turn off Harlan’s advances?
Even as the thoughts crossed her mind, she knew Jim wasn’t capable of any of those feelings. She looked into his eyes and felt weaker than before. The old Jim wasn’t capable of those feelings, but what about this war-torn, damaged soldier? There was something behind his eyes that suggested he’d suffered much of the same things Sterling had described. How had it changed him?
The silence stretched too long while Jim waited for an answer. “I am afraid. I try to tell myself not to be, but . . .”
“Let me help you then,” Jim said. “You don’t need to be afraid.”
“You’re right. I know you’re the last person I should be afraid of, but even when I tell myself that . . .” She shook her head. “It’s like being afraid of the dark, even when you know exactly what’s in the room. It’s impossible to make sense of fear.”
Jim clenched his jaw and nodded. “Could we sit for a minute?”
“Let’s go in the front room.”
Danny followed them, the airplane in one hand and the wooden train in the other. Jim motioned toward the sofa, and Evelyn sat on the plush gold-tone cushion. “I started dinner already so we can talk for as long as we want.” She patted the cushion and waited for him to sit beside her.
Jim eased onto the sofa and faced her. “I’ve been thinking and I want to tell you something.”
“I’m listening,” she said.
“There are parts of my life I’ll probably never remember. Like the exact details of how I got these.” He pointed to the scars running across his scalp. “I’m okay with that. I don’t want to know. But there are some things I do want to know.” He paused and picked at a piece of lint on his shirt. “I hope you’ll understand that because of this—the not knowing—it’s really hard for me to be patient when I know you’re keeping something from me. I’ll try, but I want you to know why I feel the way I do.”
Evelyn interlaced her fingers with his and he gripped her hand and pulled it to his chest.
“Thank you for telling me that. And thank you for understanding that I need a little time.”
She wanted to say more. She wished she could spill her secrets right then, but a shiver ran up her spine when she thought about reliving the moment Harlan attacked her, and she shrugged off the urge to confide in Jim.
“So, will you forgive me?” Jim asked.
“Only if you’ll forgive me,” Evelyn whispered. “I’ve been through some terrible times. It’s hard for me to talk about.” She patted Jim’s leg and leaned closer. “I know you’ve had troubles, too. In some ways, we’re different people now.”
The look of surprise that crossed his face at her nearness added shame to her guilty heart.
“I wish I could undo the past, but I can’t so I want to get to know you now as well as I did then,” Jim said.
“There’s so much to sort through,” Evelyn murmured. “I hope you’ll understand that it’s going to take some time.”
“Time is all I have right now.” He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it.
They watched Danny play with his toys, and when he ventured closer to Evelyn, she picked him up and sat him on Jim’s lap. “Show me the airplane Daddy gave you.”
“Vroom-choo,” Danny said and held the airplane next to Evelyn’s face.
Jim blushed with pride as he held his son, and again she felt a twinge of guilt as she thought over her actions of the past week. She had pushed Jim away because it was easier than having to face him and tell him about Harlan’s attack. Even now as she considered telling him, the anxiety squeezed at her throat. She had to take a deep breath to calm herself. She remembered what Sterling had said, that she needed to tell Jim. She closed her eyes in a silent prayer, pleading for the strength to confide in her husband.
Supper was awkward with Marie and Harold trying to make small talk and everyone trying to pick up the pieces and push the image of Jim’s broken headstone from their minds.
“I’ll get that taken to the dump first thing tomorrow,” Jim said during an uncomfortable stretch of silent chewing.
“I don’t know. Don’t you want to keep it as a souvenir?” Harold chuckled.
Jim gave him a rueful glance and shoveled in another forkful of Evelyn’s meat loaf.
“I think Danny will be ready for bed early tonight,” Evelyn said.
“No night!” Danny said and banged his spoon against the table.
“Danny.” Evelyn’s voice held a stern note and he paused before striking the table again. She smiled. “Would you like Daddy to help read you a story?”
Jim’s head jerked to the side and he glanced at Danny. The toddler scrunched his eyes and then nodded. “Stories, blankie.”
The look of gratitude Jim gave her later as he rocked Danny and read him a story brought remorse to her soul. She couldn’t deny Danny his father, and she knew Jim would be a good dad. Pretending to adjust a ruffle on her skirt, she wiped the tears from her eyes.
Evelyn listened to the wind blowing outside, shaking the tree branches. In the morning, the yard would be littered with bits of dried leaves and twigs, the face of the snow would be changed again. The wind would reshape the snowdrifts, covering and uncovering different areas of the ground. In a way it was like her heart, she could try to hide and shelter it from the wind, but eventually the power would overcome and uncover
her innermost thoughts and feelings. She only hoped Jim would love her still when he saw the deepest feelings of her heart.
Chapter 31 ~ Confession
December 1945 ~ Evelyn
The eggs sizzled in the pan, and the aroma of bacon wafted through the kitchen. Marie pulled the biscuits out of the oven and Evelyn buttered one for Danny. She hadn’t seen Jim yet this morning, though she had been awake when he crossed the hall and stood outside her door before heading downstairs and outside.
Harold stretched and began dishing up his plate. “Jim’s going into Callaway Grove next week to look for a job.”
Evelyn sucked in a breath, and Harold nodded as if he guessed her reaction. “You need to tell him before he hears it from someone else.”
“I’ve tried, it’s just . . .” She covered her face with her hands. “Oh, Daddy, what if he—”
“Jim loves you. It doesn’t matter what happened. He loves you and he’ll understand.”
“Your father’s right,” Marie said. “Don’t waste another minute. I’ll watch Danny after breakfast and you talk to your husband.”
Evelyn opened her mouth to speak but clamped it shut as the back door swung open and Jim entered. His cheeks were flushed from the cold and his blue eyes appeared like the sea before a storm. He dusted the snow from his coat and stamped his boots. As he bent to remove them, he smiled at Evelyn and her stomach fluttered. She turned and handed Danny the other half of her biscuit.
“The physical evidence of my death is gone.” Jim cleared his throat. “It’ll take some time to convince the government though.”
“Will you have to go up to Colorado Springs?” Harold asked.
“I probably should’ve already, but I’ve had more important things to do.” He glanced at Evelyn.
“Danny, don’t crumble your biscuit,” Marie said.
“Yeah, son. These are too good to waste.” Jim tickled Danny’s ear and the boy giggled. “I sure have appreciated staying here and getting to eat real home cookin’. I haven’t said thank you enough, but I want you to know I’m grateful to all of you—Marie and Harold.” He paused and reached for his wife’s hand. “And Evelyn.”
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