by Nic Saint
“Who is this Kim Kardashian?” asked Leigh. “Is she also an enlightened master?”
“Oh, sure,” said Strel. “Kim is the most enlightened person in the world. She enlightens me, for instance, and there’s not a lot of people that have that effect on me.”
Stien gave a snort, and Strel fixed her with a scathing look.
“You have to teach me the ways of this Master Kim,” said Leigh. “Master Dam has been hinting that he might retire to the great beyond soon, and I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. This Master Kim might be a good replacement.”
“She doesn’t live from light and air alone, though,” I said. “And she doesn’t live in a cave, either.”
“Oh, no? What does she do, then?”
“Well, she posts stuff on the internet. Pictures of herself, mostly.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And… that’s pretty much all she does.”
“She’s completely detached from material possessions, like Master Dam?”
“Um… not exactly,” I admitted. “Though I’m sure she’s getting there.”
Sam was shaking with silent laughter, so I elbowed him in the ribs.
“I honestly think there are other masters out there who are better suited to you, Auntie Leigh,” Gran finally said.
“Of course,” said Auntie Leigh. “We all have the master we deserve.”
“Then Strel definitely picked the right master,” Stien said dryly, before ducking a bread roll aimed at her head.
Mona Oats walked into the kitchen, followed by Dunlop Ward. “I found this young man wandering around upstairs,” she announced. “When I asked what he was doing there he said he was looking for the light of his life.” Her face was contorted into a disapproving scowl, indicating she did not take kindly to young men searching for the light of their lives outside her room.
“Oh, there you are, pumpkin,” Dunlop said, spotting Strel and streaking over. The two young lovers collided halfway and kissed passionately. We all turned our heads away, except for Mona, who shook hers disdainfully.
“In my day lovers didn’t display their affection quite so openly,” she murmured.
“Well, times have changed since our day, Mrs. Oats,” said Leigh pleasantly. She offered a capsule to the woman. “Spirulina?”
“No, thanks. I’m not a great believer in the healing power of stones, a fact which I already made clear to you this morning.”
“Oh, but this isn’t a stone,” said Leigh. “It’s an algae. It’s very potent and very healthy. See.” She popped the capsule into her mouth and swallowed it down. “It contains the complete spectrum of amino acids. If necessary, you could live on Spirulina alone.”
“Better than to live on light alone,” Sam quipped.
“Never mock the holy men of this world, young man,” said Leigh. “They know things you will never know.”
“Right,” said Sam with a quick glance at me. I gave him a reassuring nod. He hadn’t insulted Auntie Leigh. I didn’t think Leigh was capable of being insulted, actually. She was such a kind soul.
I looked over to where Strel and Dunlop were still making a spectacle of themselves. Mona’s words had alarmed me. She’d found Dunlop sneaking around upstairs? What the heck? Maybe I was right after all, and Dunlop was one of those guys attracted by the legend of the Fallon Safflower treasure. Had he been secretly looking for it? Hoping that while we were all downstairs in the kitchen he might have the house to himself? Well, he was definitely in for a disappointment. There was no treasure, except maybe for that old Walkman I kept in my room, and some other stuff that had been hip in the eighties. He would definitely never be able to find Fallon Safflower’s old witchy stuff, as Gran had put a spell on it so that no one could find it, not even me or my sisters.
Stien, who’d caught my gaze, shook her head. I knew she was thinking the same thing. Dunlop was a guy we needed to keep an eye on. And then I noticed that Sam and Gran were also studying the young man, and I remembered what Sam had said: that Dunlop just might be Johnson’s killer.
Whatever he was, innocent boyfriend or vicious killer, one thing was for sure: judging from Gran’s grimace, she was going to make sure Dunlop Bard would never pose a threat to Strel.
Chapter 22
The moment dinner was served, Glenn Kerb showed up, displaying his sense of perfect timing. This time he looked just like himself again, minus the makeup and the funny hat and the weird facial appendages. Stien’s face lit up the moment he walked in.
“Glenn!” she called out. “How was your day? I saw the picture of a stray dog you posted.”
“I had a great day,” the actor said. “I talked to William a great deal and he taught me some more tricks of his trade. I think it’s safe to say that from now on I will never be recognized again if I don’t want to be. And all I needed were a few extra props and a crash course in bum makeup!”
“Bum makeup?” asked Sam with a frown as he passed me the gravy. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Glenn met a homeless person today,” I explained. “And he hired him as his consultant. He thinks he can teach him how to look completely inconspicuous.”
Sam’s frown deepened. “That homeless person is probably homeless because of a personal tragedy. Are you sure you want to exploit the guy’s misery just so you can hide from paparazzi, Glenn?”
It was a valid question, and one that obviously hadn’t occurred to the actor.
“Well, I like to think I am doing William a favor, actually. With the money I’m paying him he can turn his life around. Buy himself a decent meal. A decent set of clothes. Maybe even find a job and some genuine prospects. So no, Detective. I don’t see this as exploiting the homeless. Not at all.”
“Well, I do,” said Sam, who was never shy to speak his mind.
“I think it’s wonderful what Glenn is doing,” said Leigh, munching the beef stew, which, I had to admit, wasn’t as tender as I would have liked it to be. “He’s spreading love, light and kindness in the world, and Lord knows we need all the love, light and kindness we can spare right now.”
“Amen to that,” said Dunlop, lifting his glass of wine and heaving it high for a toast. He grinned at Leigh. “So you’re Auntie Leigh, huh? Glad to meet you, ma’am. Strel’s told me a lot about you.”
“Only wonderful things, I hope,” said Leigh.
“Oh, for sure. Strel says you’re a holy woman.”
A snort sounded from the direction of Mona Oats.
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” said Leigh. “I try to lead an enlightened life, and to encourage others to follow in my footsteps. It’s not an easy task which I’ve set for myself. Then again, real change has to come from within, of course. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink.” She directed a pointed look at Mona, who answered it with a dark scowl.
“Who are you calling a horse, you silly old woman?”
“Oh, I’m not calling you a horse, Mrs. Oats. I was merely explaining that you are very reluctant to accept guidance. That you’re one of many mired in mud and refusing to reach for the light.”
“I’m not stuck in the mud. I’m perfectly happy,” grumbled Mona. “And the moment I stop tripping over those silly rocks of yours first thing in the morning I’ll be even better.”
Auntie Leigh laughed. “Oh, you should see you face, my dear Mrs. Oats. You are so hungry for spiritual nourishment and yet you deny it so fiercely.”
“I’m not yearning for anything,” Mona snapped. “Well, maybe for this meat to be less chewy.”
A blush crept up my cheeks. She was right. The meat was very chewy.
“I like it,” said Sam, leaping to my defense like a knight in shining armor. “In fact it’s just the way I like it. Meat should be a little chewy. Good for the gnashers, eh, Auntie Leigh?”
Auntie Leigh bobbed her head. “Right,” she said vaguely.
“Speak for yourself,” said Mona. “My gnashers aren’t what they use
d to be.”
“That’s because you refuse the call of the higher power,” said Leigh.
“That’s because I refuse to be outfitted with a pair of dentures,” Mona spat. “Can’t afford them.”
Gran looked up at this, and I could see the gleam in her eye. With one flick of her finger she could outfit Mona Oats with the kind of dentures she yearned for. I caught her eye and shook my head. No matter how noble the gesture, Mona would notice when her teeth were suddenly perfect again. Gran rolled her eyes and ate on. It’s hard to be a witch in modern times, her expression seemed to say. Well, it had been hard to be a witch in ancient times, too, I could have told her. At least nowadays witches didn’t end up dangling from the gallows or burned at the stake.
“So are we still on for tomorrow?” asked Glenn. “Do I have three lovely dates for the big festival?”
“Yes, you do,” said Strel happily. “We just have to take care of a few minor details and we’ll be at your disposal.”
“What’s this festival?” asked Dunlop, interested.
“Oh, Glenn is taking us to Manhattan in Motion,” said Strel. “We’re going to interview—”
“A few people,” I quickly cut in. There was no need to discuss this murder case in front of one of our main suspects.
“Oh, right,” said Dunlop. He looked slightly displeased that his girl would be going to meet the stars of Hollywood. I could see his point. A Brooklyn bar owner probably can’t compete with the likes of Brad Pitt or Matt Damon or the other luminaries we were hoping to catch a glimpse of.
“All three of us are going to be his date,” I explained.
“It’s a rare honor,” said Glenn graciously. “And one that I will thoroughly enjoy.”
Not helping, Glenn, I thought as Dunlop’s face sagged.
“Wait,” said Gran, as if she just thought of something. “If the three of you are going to this film festival, who’s going to open the store tomorrow?”
Strel, Stien and I shared a look of horror. We’d totally forgotten about Floret et Bloom!
“Girls!” Gran said reproachfully, putting down her knife and fork. “You have to consider your priorities. The store is your business now. You can’t just close it up whenever you feel like it. That’s no way to run a business.”
“I know,” I said ruefully. “We just…”
“…didn’t think…” said Stien.
“…this through,” Strel completed the sentence.
“As usual,” said Gran with a weary sigh.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Beadsmore,” said Glenn. “If I overstepped my boundaries, please accept my deepest apologies.”
“It’s not your fault, Glenn,” said Gran warmly. “They have to learn that they’re businesswomen now, not butterflies that can flit from flower to flower without a care in the world.” She laced her fingers. “So. What’s it going to be? How are you going to solve this problem?”
“I’ll stay here,” I said.
Sam frowned at me. “But I thought you were going to interview…” His voice dropped away as he caught my anxious look.
“Yes, I think it’s important Edie goes to the festival,” said Stien. “So I’ll stay behind to open the store tomorrow.” She looked pretty crestfallen as she said it. Accompanying Glenn was her dream.
“No, I know how keen you are to go to this festival, Stien,” said Gran. “So you’re definitely going.”
“I am?” asked Stien, radiant once again.
“Of course. So it’s either Strel or Edie that will have to stay behind.”
Strel was fighting an inner struggle, I could tell. Then Dunlop placed his hand on hers, and said, “I think Strel doesn’t mind not going, don’t you, Strel?”
The look she gave him made him remove his hand as if he’d touched a hot stove. Oh, Strel wanted to go. In fact she was dying to go. She’d read somewhere that all the Kardashians were flying in and she was not going to miss this chance to meet her great idol for anything in the world. She directed a pleading look at me, so I relented.
“I’ll open the store,” I said. “I’ll manage,” I added when Sam frowned at me once more. Strel and Stien would have to interview this Dolphus Wooler guy, there was no other option.
But then Gran smiled, and said, “I know how much this means to you girls. Why don’t I open the store tomorrow?”
We goggled at her. “Would you?” I asked.
“Of course. It will be fun to be back in my old habitat. See if I still have it. Whatever ‘it’ is.”
And then I saw what was going on. Gran couldn’t wait to be in the store when Tisha Lockyer tried another one of her dirty tricks. “Gran,” I said carefully. “You have to promise to behave.”
The others all laughed, clearly thinking I was cracking a joke, but Gran’s lips twitched into a smile. She knew exactly what I meant. “Oh, I will behave,” she said. “But only if she does.”
“If who does, dear?” asked Auntie Leigh.
Gran waved a careless hand. “Never mind. How about a nice piece of pie? Edie made it herself.”
I could have been mistaken, but I thought I heard a collective groan travel through the room.
Chapter 23
The house was quiet and not a creature stirred, except for three sisters who were plotting to get their hands on Gran’s secret spell book so they could glam themselves up for the festival tomorrow. Problem was, since it was night, Gran was in her room, fast asleep, and if we snuck in, there was no doubt she would wake up and catch us in the act. Gran has a tendency to know everything that goes on under her roof, especially when we’re involved, so how would she not know what was going on in her own room?
It was a problem Strel hadn’t considered, and neither had the rest of us.
We were in Strel’s room, drawing up a plan of campaign. Strel’s room is pretty much what I imagine the home of a fashion model to look like: there’s clothes all over the place, and articles of makeup liberally strewn about. In fact Strel herself wouldn’t be a bad reality star. She’s feisty, funny and a real live wire. If the powers that be in Tinseltown ever decide to turn Keeping Up with the Flummoxes into a show, I’m sure it would be a big hit. Of course then we would have to be even more careful not to mention that teensy tiny detail that we are, in fact, three witches.
“Okay, so how do we do this?” asked Stien, stifling a yawn. It had been a long night. After dinner, instead of going straight to bed, Glenn had decided to make it another movie night, featuring one of his favorite movies. And to my surprise Auntie Leigh and Mona had wholeheartedly agreed. Maybe because he’d picked a Cary Grant classic: To Catch a Thief, providing a running commentary throughout, much to the amusement of the two ladies. Well, and to us, actually, for he was a pretty entertaining guy. Leigh and Mona had argued about Cary Grant being British or American, and Gran had been the only one to turn in early, since she had a flower shop to open in the morning, she’d added with a pointed look at us, and that had left the three of us up until now, plotting desperately.
“I think we should wait until tomorrow,” I said. “She’ll be gone before dawn—you know how she is—and that leaves the coast clear for us to sneak into her room, look for the Book of Secrets, and sneak out again. She will never know.”
“Oh, she will know,” said Stien somberly. “Gran always knows.”
“She won’t know until it’s too late,” said Strel. “At least we’ll have something decent to wear at the festival.”
“What if we really need the Book of Secrets?” I asked. “Like, to solve this Johnson Junqueras murder?”
“We’ll just look for it again,” said Strel.
“Yeah, but what if Gran won’t let us, because we abused the book for something silly like fancy dresses to some Hollywood party?”
“It’s not a silly thing,” Strel argued. “Fancy dresses are very important, and it’s not just some Hollywood party. It’s the biggest film festival this city has to offer. There’s going to be all kinds of celebrities, may
be even…” She heaved a wistful sigh. “Maybe even… Her.”
I rolled my eyes, and so did Stien. “For God’s sakes, Strel,” said Stien. “You sound like you’re talking about the Queen of Sheba. It’s just a person. Not a saint or something.”
“Like Master Dumb Dumb,” Strel giggled. “What’s up with that?”
I shrugged. “Maybe Master Dumb Dumb really is an enlightened person?”
“I googled him. Auntie Leigh was right. He really lives in some cave in the mystic mountains of the Himalayas, and claims to live without food. It’s the weirdest thing.”
“Nobody lives without food,” said Stien. “It’s scientifically impossible to sustain the human body without proper nourishment.”
“Well, apparently this dude’s managed to crack the code,” I said.
“There is no code,” Stien insisted. “The human body is a very delicate bio-machine. It needs to be fed the right diet or it will break down and perish.”
“But wouldn’t it be cool, though?” asked Strel. “I mean, never to have to eat again? Never to have to diet again?”
I gave her a level look. “I like to eat. For me not to eat would be tantamount to torture.”
“Yeah, for a lot of people it would be impossible,” said Stien. “Not for me, though. I could do without food. I don’t even like food all that much.”
That, I could believe. Of the three of us, Stien was the one who was most detached. “What if Glenn Kerb invited you to dinner?” I asked. “Would you tell him you can’t take nourishment?”
She thought about this. “I think I would sacrifice my enlightenment if Glenn asked me out.”
I smiled. “I wonder if Master Dumb Dumb would sacrifice his enlightenment if KK asked him out.”
“Oh, definitely,” said Strel. “Without question. Nobody can resist the allure of KK. Not even some old guy in a cave.”
“Especially some old guy in a cave,” said Stien. When we looked at her, she added, “The guy hasn’t seen a woman in decades! The moment KK steps into that cave, it’s game over. He’d follow her everywhere, even to the mystic mountains of Calabasas.”
