She wished she could talk it all through with someone. Pour out her heart to a person who cared about her. Her mother would listen, but her mom was so eager to be a grandmother, there was no way she would be objective. She’d want to get off the telephone as quickly as possible so she could rush to the store for yarn to start knitting booties for her granddaughter.
And her girlfriends? They’d no doubt react as Kathy had. They’d view the whole thing as a fun adventure, encouraging her to go for it so they could be aunties with license to spoil the new arrival.
Well, she thought dryly, as she got to her feet, turned off the lights and locked the door behind her, she could always go home and pro and con the dilemma with Oreo. As long as she fed the cat first, Oreo was a very good listener.
Oh, who was she kidding? She knew who she wanted to talk this all through with. Mark Chandler. But she had told him to focus entirely on Joey this weekend, which was exactly what he should do.
No, the decision about the baby was hers alone to make.
Chapter Eight
The next afternoon, Cedar sat at her kitchen table scrutinizing the papers spread out before her. She’d spent the morning roaming through model homes at a new subdivision a few miles from where she now lived. She’d collected a handful of floor plans, price sheets, advertisements from institutions offering varying mortgage rates, as well as flyers from interior decorators, landscapers, and on and on from the pile of material in the model being used as an office—an office that featured a large sign stating that the homes were being built by Chandler Construction.
The woman in the office had made clear that the floor plans of the existing models were simply suggestions. Buyers could dictate the size of the rooms, their location within the house, and make any other changes to suit their needs.
Cedar pulled one of the floor plans forward, realizing that it was the third time she had reached for that particular design.
“Master bedroom,” she said, tapping the labeled area on the paper with one fingertip, then moving her finger to another area on the sheet. “This room would be an office and guest-room combination and…” She shifted the paper closer and smiled. “…here is the baby’s nursery, complete with bunny wallpaper.”
Cedar plunked one elbow on the table, rested her chin in her hand and stared into space.
How strange was the human mind, she mused, or perhaps, in this case, the human heart. She’d gone to bed last night a befuddled, gloomy mess, so tired her bones ached. But when Oreo had nudged her awake early this morning announcing it was time for breakfast, everything changed.
She’d registered an immediate sense of rightness and inner peace about adopting Cindy’s baby girl. While sleeping, her subconscious had taken over…perhaps with the help of whispering angels?…and the answer was waiting for her upon awakening. She was going to be a mother. It was meant to be.
No, she would never be a wife, but regaining half of her shattered dream was wonderful, and she was very grateful and excited about the impending birth of a daughter.
Oh, she wasn’t kidding herself, she thought. Being a single parent was not going to be easy, but she’d deal with problems as they came and find solutions, just as the multitude of single moms did everyday.
A baby, she thought, sighing wistfully. A precious miracle to hold in her arms, just as she’d held special little Joey. Oh, how she adored that boy.
Thanks to Puncho, the clown, Joey had turned an emotional corner and was now on the right path toward healing the pain of losing his parents. There were still rough times ahead, but she’d be there to help Mark and Joey smooth troubled waters.
Cedar swept her gaze over the papers before her. Of its own volition, it seemed, her hand floated outward and slid another floor plan over the one she had been scrutinizing. This design was of a much larger house, with more and bigger rooms.
“Master bedroom,” Cedar said, tapping the paper. “And this is the nursery, here is Joey’s room, and over here is another room with enough space for a guest bed, plus two computer tables, mine and Mark’s. Living room, family room and—oh!”
Oreo jumped onto the table and sat down on the piece of paper. The cat stared at Cedar, then me-owed.
“Okay, okay,” Cedar said, “I get the message. I’m being silly and fanciful and you don’t approve. Well, I have news for you, fat cat. I don’t approve of you being on the table, so move your tush. Oreo, go.”
The cat jumped back to the floor and strutted away, tail held high. Cedar looked at the floor plan again and shook her head in self-disgust.
Why had she sat there playing let’s-pretend about something that would never ever happen, she wondered. She should be counting her blessings about becoming a mother, not daydreaming about having more, greedy woman that she was. Surely her subconscious hadn’t planted that seed of hope during the night. No, that was ridiculous.
The telephone rang and Cedar got quickly to her feet, glad to be pulled from her nonsensical thoughts. She snatched up the receiver on the kitchen wall.
“Hello?”
“Cedar? This is Mark.”
“Oh.” She snapped her head around to look at the floor plan for the larger house, a warm flush staining her cheeks. “I…hello, Mark. Is something wrong?”
“I have a problem and I really need your help.”
“Is it Joey?” she said, her hold on the receiver tightening.
“Yes. No. I mean, he’s fine at the moment, playing with his Game Boy in the living room, not holed up in his bedroom.”
“That’s good,” Cedar said. “So what’s the problem?”
“Moose just called. He went to one of our sites to receive a shipment of bathroom fixtures from a guy who rolled in from Tucson. The thing is, they are the wrong ones. The guy said he’d take them back down there, but couldn’t make the return trip until late Monday because they limit his overtime. We need those fixtures on the job first thing Monday morning to stay on schedule.”
“And?” Cedar said, narrowing her eyes.
“Moose can’t go to Tucson because it’s his kid’s birthday today and he promised to be at her party. So, well, I’m going to make the drive. My sitter is busy, so I was wondering if, maybe, you could take care of Joey? I thought about hauling him along with me, but it’s a pretty boring stretch of highway and how many hours can a kid play with a Game Boy?”
“Mark, I thought you understood that all of your attention should be centered on Joey this weekend because of what happened with him in my office yesterday. It’s important that you stay close to him in case he wants to talk.”
“I know that, but he hasn’t said one word about his parents and you said not to push him. I’ll only be gone for the day and this is an emergency. Give me a break here, Cedar. I had Chandler Construction before Joey came into my life. I can’t put my business on the back burner at the drop of a hat. I have a reputation to protect, future job opportunities that depend on my maintaining a level of excellence. I’m talking about financial security for me and for Joey in the years ahead.”
“Can’t someone else make the drive to Tucson?” Cedar said. “You’re a father now, Mark, just like Moose is. Joey shouldn’t be put on the back burner, either.”
“I’m doing this for Joey,” Mark said, an edge to his voice. “Every dollar I put in the bank is security for what he will need down the road. There won’t be any dollars if I start blowing my reputation of bringing jobs in on time. I’m the boss. I own the company. It’s up to me to step up when there’s a problem like this one.”
Cedar sighed. “I think you need to examine your priorities a bit, Mark, but this isn’t the time. Yes, all right. Bring Joey over and I’ll take care of him. I hope this doesn’t upset him.”
“Hey, he’s crazy about you, Cedar. He won’t care if I leave.”
Joey definitely cared.
When Cedar opened her front door, Joey stomped past her, his arms crossed over his chest and a stormy expression on his face. He marched into t
he living room and slouched onto the sofa.
“Hi,” Mark said, producing a small smile as he entered the house.
“Mmm,” Cedar said, glaring at him.
“Emergencies happen, Cedar,” Mark said, keeping his voice low. “Don’t look at me like I’m an axe murderer or something. Joey’s old enough to understand that things don’t always go as planned.”
“He’s very fragile right now, Mark,” Cedar whispered. “He needs stability in his life and promises that get kept. What did you tell him you two were going to do together this afternoon?”
Mark hooked a hand on the back of his neck. “Buy a kite and fly it over at the park near our house,” he said. “He flew kites with Moose’s kids when we were there for Thanksgiving and really liked it. Hey, I told him we can do that tomorrow.”
“You don’t get it,” Cedar said. “You just don’t get it. Later, when Joey is more steady on his emotional feet, things can be postponed or changed because of circumstances beyond your control, but not now.”
“I have a business to run,” Mark said, his voice rising.
“Shh.”
“Well, cripe, I happen to think that financial security is just as important as…as emotional security, or whatever shrinky-dink term you want to use. Chandler Construction is going to make it possible for Joey to have everything he needs, including a college education. The money his parents’ estate left for him won’t last forever. I’m making certain he won’t do without one thing.”
“Except your time and attention.”
“This is an emergency!”
“Fine,” Cedar said, throwing up her hands. “I give up. I can’t get through to you. Go get your cute little faucets or whatever it is that is so vitally important.”
“I intend to,” Mark said, frowning. “May I have a drink of water before I hit the road?”
Cedar swept an arm toward the kitchen, indicating very clearly that Mark should get his own glass of water. He strode toward the kitchen, glancing quickly at Joey who hadn’t moved since flopping onto the sofa. Cedar looked at sullen Joey, as well, then followed Mark into the kitchen, where she found Mark staring at the papers on the table.
“What’s all this?” he said, nodding toward the materials.
“I told you I wanted to get a newer house because this one is driving me crazy,” she said. “This morning, out of curiosity, I explored that subdivision going up near here. It would be quite a challenge to have a home built from scratch with all those decisions to make.”
Mark smiled. “Well, you wouldn’t have to worry about the quality of your home. I happen to know that Chandler Construction is the best of the bunch.”
“Do tell,” she said, laughing in spite of herself. “Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.”
Mark’s smile disappeared.
“I’ve earned my top-of-the-line reputation by dedication and hard work, Cedar,” he said. “At some point, I’ll be able to ease up on my responsibilities, delegate more, but not yet. Not until I reach my goal of financial security.
“In fact, I need to reevaluate that goal because of Joey. That ease-up phase of my life may be pushed back.”
“But Joey needs you now, Mark.”
“I take off early to get him to the appointments with you. Don’t I get any credit for that?”
“Yes, of course, but…never mind. We’ll talk about this another time. You need to get going to Tucson. Did you have your water?”
“Water?” he said absently as he picked up a sheet from the table. “Yes. I had plenty.” He paused. “This is the floor plan for a pretty big house. Is this the one you’re considering buying?”
“I…um…no. I don’t need something that large. I’m not even certain I want to take on all the details of a brand-new place like that. It boggles my mind.”
“I’d help you if you really wanted to have a home customized to your heart’s desire. I’d walk you through the whole process. You deserve to have what you want, Cedar.”
What I want, she thought, feeling the unwelcome prickle of tears, is that house on the paper in your hand. I want to fill it with love and laughter and a family made up of you, me, Joey and the baby that’s on the way. What I want, Mark, is not to have fallen in love with you, but I did, I know that now, and I’m so mad at myself, I could just scream. So, go get your dumb faucets and leave me alone.
“Cedar?” Mark said, dropping the paper back onto the table to stare at her. “Where did you go?”
“What? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about houses and…stuff. I need to get this monster on the market, too.” She paused. “Well, try to make peace with Joey before you leave.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Mark walked to where she stood, dropped a quick kiss on her lips, then headed into the living room.
Cedar pressed the fingertips of one hand to lips that still tingled from the kiss. Then she went to the table, turned the floor plan for the large house over with a smack and went into the living room.
“He’s not speaking to me,” Mark said. “Nothing. Nada. Nope.”
“Joey,” Cedar said, “I know you’re disappointed about not flying the kite today and…” She glared at Mark. “…for good reason. However, that doesn’t give you a free ticket to be rude. Say goodbye to your Uncle Mark.”
“’Bye,” Joey said, staring straight ahead.
Mark threw up his hands and headed toward the front door.
“Whoever said women are difficult hasn’t dealt with a ticked-off seven-year-old boy,” he yelled. “I’m outta here, people. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I love you. Adios. Goodbye.”
I love you, too, Mark, Cedar thought, then cringed as the front door slammed. Because Mark’s declaration of love had been directed toward Joey, not her, and she knew it. There she went, playing mind games again. Ridiculous.
“Well, Mr. Crabby Apple,” she said cheerfully, “have you had your afternoon snack yet? I happen to have Rocky Road ice cream in the freezer.”
Joey’s head snapped up. “Really? Rocky Road?” He slid off the sofa. “Cool.”
“Joey,” Cedar said, when he reached her side, “your Uncle Mark wouldn’t be going to Tucson if it wasn’t an emergency.”
“People shouldn’t break promises, Cedar. They shouldn’t. He promised me that we’d get the kite and fly it. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Promises are important. They’re like forever stuff, you know?”
“I know, sweetheart,” she said gently. “Well, come on. Let’s dig into that ice cream.”
Mark managed to concentrate on maneuvering the truck through the city traffic. But when he took the off ramp and joined the parade of vehicles moving at a steady pace along I-10 toward Tucson, the words he had spoken as he left Cedar’s house once again occupied his mind.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. I love you. Adios. Goodbye… I love you. I love you. I love…
“Damn,” he said, smacking the steering wheel with the palm of his hand.
Cedar would assume that his declaration of love had been directed only at Joey. But that wasn’t the case. Nope. The truth had come right out of his mouth.
He was in love with Cedar Kennedy.
A knot had tightened in his gut when he saw the floor plans on Cedar’s table. He didn’t want Cedar to buy a new house, move into it with just her cat Oreo. He wanted her to pack up and settle into the home he was sharing with Joey.
That was what it would be if Cedar was there, a home. They’d be a real family. Mom, Dad, son and more babies to come in the future. They’d be Mr. and Mrs. Mark Chandler. Cedar Kennedy Chandler. It had a nice ring to it.
He sure was painting a pretty picture in his mind of all of them together, Mark mused, but it wasn’t going to happen. In the first place, he had no idea how deeply Cedar’s feelings for him ran. It really helped if the bride was in love with the groom, which might not be remotely close to how she felt. Plus, they’d agree that a serious relationship was not in the cards for them, that any feelings, emotions,
whatever would not be mentioned.
Second, it was the wrong time in his life for where his wayward thoughts were taking him. He hadn’t yet reached his financial goals.
Third, he was already wiggling things around to make space for Joey in his life, to learn how to be a father to a troubled and sad little boy. Love between a man and a woman had to be nurtured, like a…flower garden. Geez, how corny, he thought, but true. The way things stood now, he was just barely keeping up with his paperwork by working in his home office after Joey went to bed. He’d fallen behind by taking off early to get Joey to his appointments with Cedar, and he couldn’t allow that to happen.
A husband and a father spent his evenings with his family. He got home in time to have dinner with them, no matter what. He devoted the remaining hours of his day to his kids, and his wife. He didn’t work weekends, that was for sure.
He knew all that, knew how it should be. The problem was, there weren’t enough hours in the day for him to fit in everything and everyone. Chandler Construction was still growing, and he was grateful for that. Each bid he won, each new project he started, represented money in the bank, security for himself and now for Joey.
But, damn it, he was in love for the first time in his life with a woman who was more fantastic than anyone he had ever hoped to find. What about that?
Mark’s shoulders slumped and a headache began to pound.
What about that? his mind echoed. It didn’t matter. He’d found the perfect woman at the wrong time in his life. He wasn’t ready, hadn’t reached his goals, couldn’t even dream about a future with Cedar because there wasn’t going to be one.
He’d have to settle for whatever they shared before they decided to call it quits and went their separate ways. He’d have to settle for memories and the taunting thoughts of what might have been.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. I love you. Goodbye.
Mark sighed and pressed harder on the gas pedal. He would get back from Tucson as soon as he could. But he wouldn’t be saying ‘I love you’ to Cedar.
Home Again Page 10
