Mark nodded.
“I just want to say, Mark, that I respect you very much for realizing your priorities were off-kilter before.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll probably always worry about whether or not I have enough money stashed away for the future, but I’ll just have to live with that concern because I know now that Joey needs my undivided attention.”
Cedar folded her hands on top of the table and frowned slightly. “Why are you so centered on the need for financial security, Mark? Hey, it’s better than spending every dime you make and getting deeply in debt, but you’re definitely on the opposite end of the pole.”
“It’s a long story,” he said, then drained his glass.
“I’ll listen if you want to share it.”
“Who will listen?” he said, frowning. “Cedar the shrinky-dink, or Cedar the woman?”
“Cedar the woman,” she said quietly.
Mark stared at her for a very long moment, then nodded slowly.
“Okay,” he said finally. “Here it is. My father was an alcoholic. Big-time. He was fired from every job he had because of his drinking. My mother worked two jobs trying to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. There was never enough money and I hate to tell you how many times my sister and I went to bed hungry.”
“Oh, Mark, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, well, that’s how it was. When I was twelve and Mary was fourteen, my father got into yet another brawl at a bar when he was roaring drunk. He fell, hit his head, and died.”
“Dear heaven,” Cedar whispered.
“I got a paper route to help out. Mary babysat whenever she could. But even with my mother working two jobs and us contributing, we were continually evicted from shabby apartments because the rent wasn’t paid. I made up my mind then,” he said, his voice gritty, “that I would fix things, take care of my sister and mother, and never, ever go to bed hungry again. Focusing on that vow got me through high school.
“When I graduated, I went to work for a construction company and the owner took me under his wing and taught me every aspect of the trade. I was young, still making minimum wage, but I knew I had a future in the field that would enable me to provide my sister and mother with a decent home and allow my mom to stop working so hard.”
Cedar nodded, her gaze riveted on Mark. She could hear the pain in his voice, saw it in his eyes as he shared the bleak memories of his childhood. She blinked back threatening tears.
“My sister married very young, but John was a good man. They moved to New York and she sent money to my mother whenever she could. Mary was safe and I knew she had enough to eat. I was still determined—driven, really—to make it possible for my mother to stop working, and have a nice house.
“When the owner of the construction company decided to retire, he allowed me to buy him out with installment payments. He was a helluva fine man. The father I never had. I renamed the business Chandler Construction and worked eighteen-hour days to make it bigger and better, still focused on doing right by my mother.”
Mark stopped speaking. He pushed the crumbs from his sandwich around the plate, then drew a shuddering breath.
“But I didn’t work hard enough or fast enough,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “My mother got pneumonia, and because she was so exhausted and in such poor health, she…she died.”
Tears misted Cedar’s eyes as she reached across the table to cover one of Mark’s hands with her own.
“The years went by,” Mark said, looking at their combined hands, “and I paid what I owed to my mentor, built myself a big house, put money in the bank and into a retirement portfolio. It was security for the future, but I couldn’t forget the ghosts of the past, all the nights I went to bed hungry.
“Yeah, I wanted to get married, have kids, but I was always edgy, worried I didn’t have enough money put aside. I’d wake up at night in a sweat, scared out of my mind that if I did marry and have children, something would happen and I wouldn’t have the money to take care of things. I would be too late, too damn late to meet the needs of my family just as I’d been too late to save my mother.”
Unnoticed tears spilled onto Cedar’s cheeks.
“And there you have it,” he said, meeting Cedar’s gaze again. “The saga of Mark Chandler. Thanks to you, Cedar, I finally understand that Joey needs me now, more than he needs my money.
“Hell, I’ve got enough put away to put Joey through college twice. It will be tough for me to ease up on my work hours because it’s the only life I’ve known for so damn long. But I’ll get a handle on it…even though I’ll probably still worry myself into a couple of ulcers because I’m not stashing as much away.”
Mark reached over and drew a thumb through the trail of tears on Cedar’s cheek. “Hey, I didn’t mean to make you cry with my tale of woe,” he said. “I thought you shrinky-dinks had tougher crusts than that because of what you deal with every day.”
“But it was Cedar the woman who listened to you, Mark,” she said, taking a trembling breath, “who is so very sorry you went through what you did, who knows that Joey is blessed to have you as a father.”
The woman who loves you with every breath in my body. Loves you and your son.
“Even though I make gross scrambled eggs?” he said, producing a small smile.
“Even though,” she said, nodding.
“Ah, Cedar, you’ve done so much for me, for Joey. I realize that he and I still have a long way to go, and we’ll continue to need your help, but I want to thank you for all that you’ve given us. Don’t say that it’s all in a day’s work because I sense—no, I know—it’s more than that.”
“Yes,” she said softly, “it is.”
Mark got to his feet and pulled gently on her hand so she would rise and meet him at the side of the table. He looked at her questioningly and she answered by stepping close to him, freeing her hand, and encircling his neck with her arms.
He lowered his head and kissed her, lightly at first, then intensifying the pressure. A groan rumbled in Mark’s chest. A whimper of desire caught in Cedar’s throat.
Mark broke the kiss and spoke close to her lips. “I want you, Cedar. I want to make love with you so damn much.”
“I want you, too, Mark.”
“Joey?”
“He’s sound asleep and Puncho is watching over him.”
They went up the stairs to Cedar’s bedroom, their pace quickening with each step as urgency engulfed them. In a hazy blur, they shed their clothes, Mark swept back the blankets on the bed, and they stretched out on the cool sheets, reaching instantly for each other.
Mark kissed Cedar deeply, causing hearts to beat with a wild tempo and heat to swirl, then tighten low in their bodies. They ended the kiss only long enough to take much-needed breaths, then Mark’s mouth melted over Cedar’s once again.
Mark finally broke the kiss to enable hands to roam, caress, explore. Lips followed where hands had been, suffusing them with a sense of awe as they savored the familiar that was somehow so gloriously new.
But they each knew that their true feelings, the love for the other that filled their hearts to overflowing, should not, could not, be declared aloud, as the spoken words might shatter the magical spell. They were simply Cedar and Mark existing in the moment, the now, not allowing the future to intrude.
When their desire reached a fever pitch, they joined bodies, becoming one, meshed into an entity that made it impossible to know where their separate beings began and ended.
They moved in a perfectly matched rhythm, rocking, holding fast, whispering the other’s name. Heat consumed them as they soared, burning with exquisite pain that carried them up and up, then flung them into oblivion seconds apart.
“Mark!”
“My Cedar.”
The cool sheets beckoned them to return and they did so reluctantly. Mark shifted off Cedar and she nestled close, resting one hand on the moist curls on his muscled chest, feeling his heart returning to a normal beat
beneath her palm.
I love you, Cedar, Mark thought.
Oh, Mark, how I love you, Cedar’s mind hummed.
As they began to drift off to sleep, Mark forced himself to release his hold and sit up on the edge of the bed.
“Mark?”
“If I sleep now, I’ll be out for the night,” he said, looking at her over his shoulder. “It’s been a long, exhausting day. I can’t be here in the morning because Joey will think he was right and we were wrong, and we’re all going to live together. Get the drift?”
Cedar nodded.
“I hate to make you get up, but I want you to lock the door behind me when I carry Joey out.”
“Yes, of course,” she said, slipping from the bed and reaching for her clothes. “And Puncho. You mustn’t forget Puncho.” She paused. “I wish…well, I wish you could stay.”
“Oh, lady,” he said, chuckling, “so do I, believe me.”
Soon, much too soon, they were at the front door, a sleeping Joey propped against Mark’s shoulder, Puncho tucked under his other arm. Mark kissed Cedar, then she held the door open for him so he could maneuver his cargo through.
“Thank you,” he said, turning to look at her from the porch. “I…well…thank you.”
Cedar smiled. “Good night, Mark.”
She stood in the doorway until she could no longer see the lights of Mark’s truck as they disappeared into the darkness. She closed and locked the door, then slid down to the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees, and wept.
She cried because she was deeply in love with a magnificent man but couldn’t tell him because she couldn’t bear the thought of his rejection if he knew she—no, she couldn’t even bear to dwell on her secret because it hurt too much.
She cried because she loved Joey, too, but she’d never be his mother because she would never be Mark’s wife.
She cried because hovering within her was the chilling fear that Cindy might change her mind about allowing Cedar to adopt her baby and that dream would be destroyed, too.
She cried for all that was just beyond her reach, and suddenly she felt so very, very lonely.
She cried until she had no more tears to shed.
Chapter Ten
Cedar was in the middle of a stress-induced cleaning-of-the-house frenzy the next afternoon when the telephone rang.
“Hello, darling,” her mother said when Cedar answered. “How are you?”
You don’t want to know, Cedar thought miserably. “Fine, just fine,” she said, forcing cheerfulness into her tone. “How are you? And Dad?”
“Well, we’re having second thoughts about going on the cruise at Christmas with the other couples we planned the trip with.”
“Why?” Cedar said, carrying the portable telephone into the living room so she could settle on the sofa. “That’s your dream vacation, Mother. What’s the problem?”
“We just hate the thought of your being alone during the holidays,” Joyce said. “Our departure date is getting closer. As it does, we keep picturing you having a bleak time all alone.”
“Don’t you dare cancel that trip because of me,” Cedar said, sitting up straighter on the sofa. “Thanksgiving went by without me even noticing because I’m so busy. Plus you know from past years that I need to be here at Christmas in case my clients experience any crises. Last year I didn’t fly down to see you until several days after Christmas, remember?”
“Yes, yes, but still—”
“Mother, you and Dad are going on that cruise,” Cedar said firmly. “I have so much going on right now, I’m not even certain I could get to Florida until after the new year.
“I’ve decided to put this house on the market and get something new that isn’t a money pit.” Cedar laughed. “Dad will love the chance to say I told you so.
“My practice is growing beyond my wildest hopes and my days are so full and—have I convinced you yet that you’re worrying for nothing? I’ll be just fine through the holidays. They’ll zoom by. Okay?”
“Well, if you’re certain that—”
“I am. Have you gone shopping for wonderful clothes to take on the trip?”
“As a matter of fact, I did go on a spree with two of the other women who are going on the cruise. Oh, my, we found some lovely things. There’s one dress, Cedar, that is scrumptious. It’s…”
Cedar managed to comment in all the right places as her mother chattered on. A part of her mind, though, was carrying on a mental dialogue with her mother that she knew she couldn’t say aloud.
Mom, I’m in love with a fantastic man. His name is Mark Chandler and I’ve lost my heart to him and don’t know how to get it back. He doesn’t know that I love him because there’s no point in telling him. I don’t know how he feels about me, and even if, by some miracle, he is in love with me, he would back away if he knew my secret.
And there’s Joey. Oh, you should see Joey, Mother. He’s seven years old and so sweet. His parents were killed in an accident and Mark is his guardian. I’m helping Joey deal with his pain and I’ve come to love that little boy, too.
As if that wasn’t enough on my emotional plate I might be adopting a baby girl. Can you believe that, Mom? Me, a mother? I’m not going to tell you because I don’t want you to be disappointed if Cindy changes her mind. I won’t believe it’s really true until Cindy has the baby, signs the papers, and I’m holding my daughter in my arms.
So, you see, it’s better this way, your going away for the holidays because I’d probably burst into tears the moment I saw you and Dad, and spill the beans about everything and that would never do.
“You will, won’t you?” Joyce said.
“Um…”
“Keep us up to date on your doings?”
“Oh. Yes, of course, I always do, you know that. I’ll talk to you again before you leave on your trip. Oops, there’s my kitchen timer ringing. I have a chocolate cake in the oven. Gotta go. Love you. Tell Dad I love him. ’Bye for now.”
“Goodbye, darling,” Joyce said.
Cedar’s shoulders slumped as she pressed the off button on the phone. She wished she really did have a chocolate cake in the oven. A chocolate binge might perk up her gloomy mood, she thought, leaning her head on the top of the sofa. Goodness, she was feeling sorry for herself today.
Christmas would be here before she knew it, and she hadn’t even thought about gifts for her parents and Bethany and—
Cedar sighed.
Wouldn’t it be fun to shop for Joey? And she’d spend delicious hours going from store to store to find the perfect gift for Mark. As presents to herself, she’d buy baby things: soft, cuddly sleepers, blankets, a little dress with matching booties, sweater and bonnet. And wallpaper. Bunny wallpaper for the nursery.
“Keep this up,” Cedar said, getting to her feet, “and you’ll end up baking that chocolate cake and eating the whole thing yourself.”
She’d decided to return to her cleaning frenzy when the doorbell rang. She marched to the front door and flung it open.
“Oh,” she said, surprised. “Moose. Hi. Come in.”
“I should have called first,” Moose said, entering the house, “but I took a chance that you might be home. I’d like to talk to you, Cedar.”
“Sure. Let’s go into the living room.”
Moose settled his enormous self onto the sofa and Cedar sat opposite him in an easy chair.
“Would you care for something to drink?” she asked.
“No, no,” Moose said. “Thanks. Listen, it’s about this house.”
Cedar sighed. “The one that’s falling apart.”
“It’s a super house,” Moose said, smiling. “I was talking to three of my buddies about it. We’d love to restore this baby to what it once was. There is so much potential and we have the skills to do the job and turn this house around for a nice profit. Would you consider selling it to us?”
“Oh. Well. Goodness. I mean, sure, Moose.”
“Would whatever it’s appraised at
be a fair price for you?”
“It wouldn’t be fair to you,” Cedar said. “An appraiser wouldn’t know all the things that are just waiting to go wrong.”
“We’ll pay the appraisal figure,” Moose said, “and we won’t rush you to move because we know you have to figure out where you want to live. How’s that?”
Cedar narrowed her eyes. “Are you my fairy godfather in a great big body?”
“There you go,” Moose said, laughing. “My wife will love that description of me. Do we have a deal?”
“Oh, yes, we certainly do,” Cedar said. “I think you and your friends are cuckoo, but I’m not about to argue with you.”
Moose got to his feet. “I’ll have the papers drawn up. We’ll pay for the appraisal, too, so don’t worry about that.” He paused. “Mark said you were looking at those new homes we’re building close to here.”
“Well, yes, I went and took a look at them,” she said, rising.
“You can’t go wrong buying a place built by Chandler Construction,” Moose said. “Did you see a model you really liked?”
The big one, Cedar thought. The one that had room for her, Mark, Joey, the new baby girl, Oreo and even a dog. Yep, that was a dandy house.
“I’m still mulling,” she said.
Moose started toward the front door. “My wife is into mulling. She says women need to think things through more than men do. I’ll agree with that one. Women are very complicated creatures.”
“No, we’re not,” Cedar said, laughing. “We make perfect sense to ourselves…most of the time. Well, what can I say to you, Moose, but thank you.”
“No, we thank you,” he said, opening the front door. “My buddies and I are going to get a real kick out of this project.” He paused. “So, um, I guess you’re seeing quite a bit of Mark these days. You know, because you’re helping Joey and…Mark says you’re doing a terrific job with that little dude. Yep, Mark says a lot of great things about you, Cedar. He smiles more lately, too. How about you, Cedar? Are you smiling because you and Mark…what I mean is…ah, heck, I’m not doing a very good job of this.”
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