by Mercy Brown
“Hey, hold on a sec,” he says, his eyes locked on mine.
“Oh God, I’m sorry,” I say, feeling absolutely stupid. “I thought . . . well, you know . . .”
“I’d like to do that myself,” he says. “If that’s okay.”
“Right now?”
Cole smiles like he’s trying not to laugh. He squeezes my hand.
“Come here, Sunshine,” he says, and draws me down to the sleeping bag with him. We lie back and watch the sky together, just holding hands until I finally start to relax. “Look at all those stars,” he says. “You’ll never see a sky like that in Jersey. I never knew a sky could even look like that.”
Personally, I think the stars are even bigger from the meadow behind our cottage in Vermont. But I don’t tell him that, because even I hate me for having a summer home in Vermont. I watch his face as he stares at the sky and I think can see all the stars in the galaxy right there in his eyes. He smiles at the moon, all relaxed and not nervous at all, like I am. He looks like I could have just dreamed him up here, and I feel so deep into some kind of alternate reality by now, I almost wonder if I have.
“Do you really think Travis is going to propose to Emmylou tonight?” I ask. “Or I guess Emmylou might do the proposing. I could see that going either way.”
“Travis won’t let her do that,” Cole says. “He’ll talk to her about it tonight and if she’s serious, he’ll look for a ring so he can propose to her later.”
“Wow,” I say. “So you think he really wants to marry her?”
“Yeah, I do,” Cole says. “Travis has been nuts for Emmy since he first laid eyes on her. Those two getting together was only a matter of time.”
“I know we’re adults, but I don’t know. Marriage? Seems so old to me.”
“Can’t stay a kid forever, Sunny,” he says, chewing on the end of a long piece of field grass.
“Well, look at Elliot and Miles—they’re rounding thirty, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, and they’re both married, sending money home to their wives when they tour, which can’t be much given what we’re making out here. I have no idea how they survive.”
“It seems so unfair,” I muse. “They’re easily as good as the Pumps and they work ten times as hard.”
“No, it’s not fair,” Cole says, sounding far away. “But then, it never is.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes before Cole rolls onto his side and looks at me. I will never forget the way he looks this night, cast in that moonlight with the backdrop of the lake and the sound of the . . . what? Wait. What the hell is that? A sick animal? It sounds like . . . oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Cole shakes his head and then huffs in frustration as we both hear it again, clearer this time as it gets louder.
“Ohhhhh, Trrraaaavissss. . . . Oh! . . . Oh! . . . Fucccckk!!!!!” Emmy is bellowing from somewhere in the campground, her voice echoing across the lake like a crime victim’s.
“Wow, maybe he did propose,” Cole says.
“I swear to God, if Emmy cock blocks me one more time, I’m going to swap her birth control pills out for Smarties,” I say, so frustrated I could choke. “So much for finding our moment.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” he says. “As long as you’re still breathing, there’s always another moment that comes along. Maybe an even better one.”
That makes me smile. And when I smile, so does he. Then he brushes his lips against mine, so gentle it’s like a breath, sweet against my lips. It makes me ache for him more with each soft touch of our lips, like a drowning girl begging for air. He nudges me to lie on my back and then hovers over me, kissing me so lightly it makes me wild, this slight taste when I want the full mouthful. By now I feel like I want to rip his clothes off and fuck him until he can’t walk. But it seems like all he wants is to lie here and kiss until he turns me into a raving madwoman.
“Cole?” I ask. “Don’t you want to do . . . well, more?”
“Are you kidding?” he says. “I want it all. Every last inch of you.”
“Okay, then are we going to . . .” I’m too awkward to even ask.
“Are we going to what?” He grins as he teases me. “Fuck?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to fuck you with my tongue,” he says. “How’s that sound?”
“I’m not sure, can you say it again?” I say. “Like fifty times?”
He raises his eyebrows and grins as he runs his hand up my leg until he reaches my underwear. I shiver when he rubs along the outside with his thumb, feeling how damp the fabric is before he twists them in his fingers, and pulls them down and off. When I think he’s about to put his head down between my legs, I go stiff, my stomach twists into knots, and I instinctively shrink back.
“Wait a sec, Cole?” I say.
He practically jumps off of me. “Shit, I’m sorry—I misunderstood. I thought . . .”
“No, no, it’s fine! I just feel like there’s something I should tell you first,” I say, trying to swallow my embarrassment.
“Oh, sure. Of course.” He sits next to me, and now I’m mad at myself for making any kind of deal out of this. “What is it?”
“I’m sorry—this is so dumb,” I say, my face in my hands because I can’t believe I’m now cock blocking myself. “I am so dumb.”
“Sonia, you’re not the least bit dumb. Don’t talk like that about my favorite person in the world, okay?”
“Me?” I say, sort of incredulous. “Your favorite person is me?”
“Of course it’s you,” he says. “Come on, isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re mine, too,” I whisper.
“Yeah?” he asks, all smiles as his eyes go soft and warm on me. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?”
“I just thought you should know, nobody has ever gone down on me before. That’s all. I’m a cunnilingus virgin.”
“Oh,” he says, and then he gets this crooked smile on his face. “Really?”
“Yeah. Nobody has ever offered to do that before you.”
“You say that like I’m doing you a favor,” he says. “I’m not offering, Sunny, I’m asking for permission.”
“Do you really want to?”
“Are you kidding? Of course I want to,” he says. “If you’re comfortable with it.”
“I . . .” I say. “I just worry about, you know.”
“About what? Like STDs and stuff?”
“God, no,” I say, and now I really do want to die. “I mean, oh Jesus. I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s good to talk about this,” he says. “Don’t be sorry. It’s true I’ve been with other people, but I’ve always used protection. And if you want to know the truth, right before we left for tour I actually got tested, just to make sure. I wasn’t worried or anything, but I figured it would be a good idea.”
“Jesus Christ, Cole, I’m not worried you’re going to give me an STD,” I say. “See? This is why I drink. Exactly this reason. I think we should paddle to the camp bar to get me some vodka before this gets any more awkward.”
“Oh, come on, Sunshine,” he says. “The Sonia Grant I know and love would want all that on the table, and it wouldn’t be any big deal, either.”
I’m not sure, but I think Cole just said he loved me. Not, like, in a direct way. But he did put that word out there, in connection with me. My heart has actually stopped, along with my brain.
“What did you just say?” I whisper.
“You heard me.” He whispers it back. I lean my head against his shoulder as he holds me. I never want to get up or leave this spot or drive to the next town, play the next show. I want to sit and stay right here in Cole’s lap and have him keep telling me I’m his favorite person and that he knows and loves me. I wish he’d say it again.
“So if you’re not worried about herpes, then what is it?” he asks.
>
I swallow and take another breath. I’m not going to look him in the eye or anything because I can’t.
“I just worry about whether you’ll like doing it,” I say. “To me, I mean.”
“You’re worried about whether I’ll like it? Really?” he says. “Yes, Sonia, I will most definitely love doing it. I can promise you that. Without reservation.”
“Well you’ve never done it to me, so how do you know?” I ask.
Cole licks his bottom lip, sucks it over his teeth, and narrows his eyes at me. “Because all I can think about since the other night is how soon I’m going to be able to get my mouth on you.”
I gulp as I feel my face flush hot. “How’s now?” I say. “Does now work for you?”
“Yeah, now’s good,” he says.
His hands are warm as they move under my shirt before he pulls it up and off. I practically rip his shirt off of him and stare at his chest, all defined like he’s carved right out of my girlhood dreams. I kiss him just under his ear, and he groans, pulls me over his dick, and now I’m the wild animal, whimpering as I feel him there, and oh, I do want him to put his mouth on me. Maybe more than I’ve ever wanted anything. He unhooks my bra and slides it off, holding me to him as he turns and lays me down. He slides my skirt down my legs and off and then he kneels at my feet, staring at me, totally naked before him, until I feel my skin sing from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.
“Cole?” I prop myself up on my elbows.
“Goddamn you’re beautiful, Sonia,” he says. “Like a dream.”
Of all the different ways this boy has undone me, this is the moment when I feel like I might break. I have to look away before I crack. When I look back, the slightest, sweetest smile is on his face.
“Kiss me?” I whisper.
He stretches out over me, covers my mouth with his, sliding his tongue over my teeth as he reaches down and nudges my legs apart. Then he tongues me all the way down, along the swell of my breast, the dip of my belly, the curve of my hip, as I grab onto his hair, urging him lower.
“Fuck, Sunshine, your skin is heaven,” he says, breathing warm against my thigh. “It makes me high.”
He kisses the inside of my thigh, holding my legs apart, and I have no way to anticipate the sweet, drowning sensation I feel when he licks me right there where I need him, spreading me open against his tongue. He starts out licking softly, slowly, and then gradually his tongue is rougher, hungrier as he strokes it up inside of me until I cry, “Cole, Cole, oh my God . . .” He swallows me whole, along with every bad memory of every other guy I’ve ever known. I’m so glad I’m not drunk, that I’m right here for this moment, because nothing has ever made me feel as adored as Cole taking me with his mouth.
“I’m never going to get enough of you,” he murmurs into my skin. “The more I get, the more I need.”
He licks, swirls his tongue over me, fills me with it, and then he licks up and over my clit, sucks it into his mouth and tongues circles over it until I writhe. He holds me steady, pinning my hips to the ground until I plead and pant, right on the edge of explosion.
“That’s it, Sunshine,” he says. “Come on my tongue.”
Three . . . two . . . one . . . he tongue fucks me, rough and persistent, until I’m coming hard and calling his name loud enough even Travis and Emmy can probably hear it wherever they are. When it’s over and he kisses me, it’s the first time I ever taste myself on a guy, all sweetness and salt on his lips, on his tongue as he dips it into my mouth. He pulls his face from mine and grins.
“So, how was it?” he asks.
“Oh my God, it was . . .” I start to say when there’s suddenly a loud crackle and a flash in the sky, accompanied by the shrieking whistle of a Roman candle, and the “BANG!” echoes off the lake. Cole rolls off me and we sit up and watch the fireworks against that perfect Tennessee summer sky, while out in the middle of the lake, Anton and Miles sing “God Bless America” from the other canoe.
“Okay, that was awesome,” Cole says.
“Let’s never go home,” I say.
“Deal,” he says, leaning in to kiss me again. I climb onto his lap and reach for the button of his pants, tug them open, and slide my hand down until I feel him, hard and thick and Jesus, oh so huge.
“Fuck,” he groans. “Sonia.”
“The yellow bag is in my backpack. Can you reach it?”
“Yeah,” he says, but he doesn’t. So I reach for it instead, but he puts his hand over mine.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, confused.
“Nothing,” he says. “I just want you to be sure.”
“Am I sure I want to fuck Zeus under the Tennessee stars after you just gave me the best orgasm of my life? Yeah, I’m pretty clear on that.”
“The best in your whole entire life?”
I roll my eyes at him. “Like you don’t know that?”
The way he smiles assures me he does.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
He takes my face in his hands and holds it, studying me. Then he kisses me, and the way his mouth is on mine, I know, I can feel, can taste how much he wants me, and that only makes me want it more. I kiss his neck, then down his body, down to that wooden plank of a stomach covered by the softest, sweetest skin that tastes a little like salt and smells like some other specially patented Cole chemical the CIA probably keeps in a lab somewhere to snare international spies, because I breathe it in and my mind goes numb. All I want is that skin in my mouth, between my teeth. I nudge the waistline of his boxers down and tongue his hip bone, nose along that happy trail of his. He puts his hand in my hair. His fingers stretch out over my scalp as he gently encourages. Then he reaches for the backpack. I hear the zipper, the other zipper, the crinkle of the foil packet as I pull his jeans and his underwear down to his ankles. He kicks them off and now, finally, Cole is completely and gloriously naked in front of me.
At first I can’t even look so I just look at his face, the way his lips curve as he studies me. Then I finally get the nerve to look down, and I just look at him. Look at him. I mean, Jesus, look at him. His cock is fully erect and beautiful and, well, big. Long and straight and thick as can be. For a second I wonder how that’s going to feel going inside of me and whether I can handle it. But I’m sure willing to find out.
“Holy shit,” I say. “You really are Zeus.”
He laughs but stops real quick when I take him in my hand and start to stroke him, slowly and with just the right kind of pressure. I don’t have the most experience with guys, but I’ve given my share of hand jobs and I can tell this one is doing it for him. Cole’s skin is so soft I want to put my mouth on him and I’m about to when he puts his hand over mine and says, “Hold on, let me get the condom on, all right? Stop or you’ll make me come right in your hand.”
“Okay,” I squeak.
He tears the condom wrapper open and I stare, wide-eyed as he rolls the latex down and covers the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen. Will likely ever see. I nervously position myself over him, ready. Slightly terrified, but ready.
“We’ll take it slow,” he reassures me, caressing the side of my face. “As slow as you need, okay? You’re in charge.”
I nod and kiss him, all set to start fucking him. But then I hesitate.
“Wait,” I say. “I’m sorry, but this just isn’t right.”
“Okay,” he says, looking concerned. “No problem. We don’t have to . . .”
“No, no, that’s not what I mean.” I take a deep breath. “Look, I’ve imagined this moment a million times, and you’re always on top.”
“A million times, eh?”
“That’s a conservative estimate.”
Then in one swift move, he rolls me onto my back, and now he’s pressed right against me, ready to fuck. I’m so wet I can feel myself drip onto my own thighs. I dig my nails
into Cole’s back, waiting. Just waiting. Oh fuck, Cole, please do not keep me waiting.
“Like this?” he asks, his breath hot against my ear.
“Yes, yes, exactly like this,” I somehow manage to say, but I sound as high as I feel.
“What else did you imagine?” His voice is low and rough and oh, so fucking sexy. “Tell me what happens next.”
“You already know,” I whisper. “All the very good, very wrong things.”
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Okay,” I say through my teeth. “You fuck me until I forget my own name.”
“Wrong,” he says. “I fuck you until the only name you know is mine.”
His mouth is rough on mine, like he’s been holding himself in check for so long that he loses control, and he isn’t so gentle now. He’s all the way inside of me on the first thrust, much faster than I’m expecting, and oh fuck, he is big and it hurts. I cry out in surprise, like it’s my first time, and it may as well be because this feels like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
“Sunny,” he says, hoarse as he strains to hold himself still. “Oh fuck, are you okay?”
“I . . .” I just try to breathe as the pain recedes and transforms into some other sensation—a very, very good one. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I manage to get out, but my voice shakes, my eyes fall closed, and my mouth falls open as he stays perfectly still inside of me. Then I feel a wave build from the deepest, most remote part of me and it starts to spread throughout my entire body. At first I don’t quite understand what’s happening, but every part of me hums a long, slow, sweet buzz. I had no idea you could come with your entire body, but I think I’m doing it. I feel so utterly full with him inside of me that every single muscle I have twitches, squeezes around him, silently pleads with him for more, more, more. I feel his eyelashes flutter against my face as he puts his lips to my neck, breathing warm, soothing breaths against my skin.
